My diary 2020

I feel so pointlessly anxious. So frustratingly small. So angry. So isolated. But new things are coming. I saved some movies in my YouTube list. More Ewan. But movies end. So thats why I'm on apps again for people. Two are talking. I am short and cute. Thats my only quality theyll see and ill be happy with that. My hair is so so healthy with the function of beauty conditioner. Can't live without it. I asked for it to provide nutrients or something. And its smooth without feeling heavy. So thats a very high point if today after yesterday's shower. Anyways. I remembered the alarm code now, finally understanding where the number came from. Like what made them think of that. Anyways. Things are frustrating in the store. Where are the boxes where are the x and y and z. Solution to that will be taking a picture of the room and asking but I feel embarrassed for that too. Will def take ashwaganda tomorrow. And drink again every two weeks maybe. Its really hard. Feeling so small. I also messed up by not asking if they're a member. I succeeded by not being lazy on down time. I restocked everything and took down large things cuz they uglyyy . So yeah I'm off to trying to he happy by setting up plans to meet A girl and M girl and original M girl and Lisa.

Im my own best friend and best company these days. I had best day at work yesterday and close to my worst day today. I want have a worst day. Every day I'm blessed to have good trainers that are empathetic etc. I finished my job for the day by adding sweaters so that there were three everywhere. Obviously had to have her pull it out for me bc I am new to that item. But yeah. My head little hurt from it. Not bad. Just simply cuz I slept with excitement ish. So yesterday I was alone for like 6 hours or I would call the associate to bring me an item but it was just me keeping self company mostly and saw steady amount customers. Finished the task of that day too which was have a new display of the 4 or something we had to do. Took munch and munch from downstairs so that helped me survive omg. Always good idea to bring sandwich on Sundays where I don't have a break. And out mayo and ketchup! A good saucy sandwich is perfect. Didnt need lettuce but that would be nice I guess. Going home to more food now!

Hard to feel at ease. Like wtf is she talking about but I don't want to be asking and opening up convo ever. Just talking about C boss and how she didn't tell me about keeping this here don't touch it, and don't touch this too. But I just assume I should put it where I think it goes because that's how things should be. We have post its for a reason. And all she says to me is stop doing things your way . Pretty sure I've heard my grandma say that too a while back so now I'm just angry I'm not changing and improving. I'm so secretive and it pisses me and others around me too. Got this text message while laying in bed. Just a habit to not come down from my room on my days off until 11 so I'm just trying to cope with negative feelings by watching a movie in the morning. Watched once bitten. Was good.

Just on my last threads type of mood today. Had to yell at grandma a few times. Just blood boiling. Dad covered his ears when I was loud but not mad at him just frustrated at repeating myself with maa. Looking for a therapist. Zocdoc is just not a good site. Not having many. My heart is tired af. I'm listening to a soft r n b Playlist which is minhyuks faves so I'm kinda cool with it. And its cool I watched a movie for myselfff. Other than that I did stuff for family. Like shopping for things. I'm gonna be okay. Just keep saying to self. You'll get through this. Sunday will come. Therapy will come. I am proud of what you've done girlll. But am I. Feeling like 2 out of 10. Haven't tried meditating in awhile again. Back hurts like crazy. Need to beat it with something yknow it's that feeling of stiff

Tired but still wired. Mad. But I should feel happy workday is over. On most days I'll find somewhere to sit outside for 2 hours. Sometimes ill do scrab le. Today I'm at a train station. Its just gorgeous. The city skyline. Manhattan is just an island. So small. It's really supernatural to see moving ads on train stations. Lmao. Let's play scrabble to get my mind off being a lame-o! Cl had to give me a talkkkk about me doing things without asking. She's the one who keeps taking bathroom breaks etc ugh I just enjoy "seeing what I can get away with" too much. Will talk about it with a therapist. Proud of the 3k we made. Proud there's no error in register! Thought the coins messed up. But it was right. Anyways. Last time I appreciated a rainbow. Today bc I'm not just sitting in a train. I get to appreciate a Yelloww moon

Work is getting more enjoyable sometimesss. Just manager C is really not a nice girl with firing so many and gave me one talk of , I've never had to fire people who work too hard but can you slow down? Bladida. Water under the bridge now hopefully. I hated asked Anne I need to extend the hours bc I need health insurance. I hate long texts I have to send. They must hate reading. But yea da said I should add emphasis on why I need to b fulltime but it makes me seem mean bc if they don't like me they have the right. Or do they. Yesterday smoked smelly lettuce. I mean I breathed out green. But they say you have to light it out every time? Bc of the size of the pipe so maybe it was bad. But I am totally fine. Had 3 drinks I poured myself. The rest weren't as bold. Anyway. Tipsy at night. And fine in morning. Normal headache. Felt so comfy in bed in morning. Laying on back. Anyway.