My diary 2020

Turning a new chapter now. was november 4 when i started. its now dec 12. so more than a month of sessions with DV. and he ended it. i talked to my sister relaying my messages and then his. she sees that it made sense he felt threatened. his job was threatened. fck..i dont think im threatening, when he did say we need to end this and that i feel threatened, i apologized and said i didn't mean to. he literally copied and pasted the thing he said earlier, still saying he felt threatened. this is scarring, y'know, realizing the way i speak hurts people this way, so i shall never speak again. i was asking about a psychiatrist snce he says he can't diagnose so he goes ahead and answers. in the time between response, i went through a lot of sht. i had been accused by my grandma as being stupid, etc. just unable to do tasks correctly (so that leads me to think I have ADHD). anyway. i told him that i was feeling hated and worthless by my grandmas words. i left a decently large paragraph but nothing too crazy, i think. i then left in a sentence saying if you dont like me texting in this way, then we may have to cancel our sessions.

I was trained in my MLM (multi-level management) that i had now left, to like...speak for other people. in this way, i had spoken for him saying you won't like how i speak...or you will continue the sessions. i guess i left no middle ground, and it was wrong for me to not wait for his response before saying "i don't think you;ll like this vent" because if you look at above posts, he did once or twice say that i like to keep chats in the weekly sessions instead of daily even though there is the capability to do so.

my communication is flawed. that's that.

Sooo i have some things to update. The job has been putting me on the back burner. Only me and another Asian guy are put OFF schedule. Maybe the lady who does the schedule is racist? For two whole weeks I haven't worked. That's 0 dollars while UNEMPLOYED people are getting 1200! 1200 in two weeks !I want to cry out of frustration for me being lazy and not just quitting so I can MAKE money.

Today's basically the first day I feel motivated to do stuff. But I'm not quitting. Just gonna drink and have happy hour in afternoon in Manhattan. I love Manhattan

Also update: since January 6 I think, I've started anti depressants. So haven't drank until today. But I did research. There's no possible side effects other than increased drowsiness. Im not driving. I just want to feel a lil okay. I also never tried Heineken i likey. My sister is more of a fan of Stella and modelo but nah I don't like those flavors.

I feel shit and I feel scared. I just want to live simply but its so hard. My sis bought me a bike the other day. Todays my third day riding . I'm all alone. Gonna aim to ride to the local beach. But I feel empty cuz my battery on my phone is low already and I just feel scared. I'll try my best to be in the moment and read. I brought books with me. Let's not be scared please

I felt like I had a pretty good 4th session with my third therapist. Blehhh they all see my frustration, and so what? All they do is get worried I'll just fall flat on the ground because I keep hoping for quick change. I don't know what it is I WANT. I want to feel related to...what's the word? Like others going through the same thing, and yeah 7cups is good but it still keeps me thinking like life is a race and still compare myself to others who are either coping better or worse than me. Its just too hard to think of life as just my own.

So main takeaways from therapist is to build more structure and do more stuff in the day. For months I've just had one day a week doing something solo, like taking the train to a new market, and I wouldn't tell my family where I've gone for the day. I'd lie saying I've gone to work even though it was day off. I just...didn't really feel that much peace but, some peace, doing solo adventures. But I know I want to grow up. Have a passion for a job. And my therapist said having structure of going to a job every day and seeing people other than immediate family will help me just get outside the negative thoughts. The recurring thoughts that nothing will change and I'm the worst for not trying. So by Friday ill have looked at job sites and just figure out what to write on my resume and Tuesday apply to 3 jobs or a school degree program. Still frustrated and scared but the fear is just...something I can get through since my therapist says I can ask my previous college' career advisor about suspicious job titles. Also about my grandma, just know it's her personality to have high standards and feel her family can't live up to it. No matter what I do she WILL have some thing to complain about it not meeting perfection. So its up to ME to respond in a way to move myself forward and do what's best for me not her. So for me right now its to try jobs..

Therapist says I'm doing a good job with what I'm being handed. Depressjon is real and being patient and filling myself with love and care is the way upward. I just have this knee jerk response to not congratulate myself and all I want is others to congratulate me. By next week I do want to ask my former boss for recommendation and so my next work place will be a new store in soho. Also I do want to ask this boy what he thinks about dating me. Just like that. I have a unique sense of comfortablity with him and I think that's good idk I am quirky and cool with multiple guys and maybe thats my mania from bipolar speaking, saying I'm so so amazing with my personality and looks but yeah, I'm cute. Anyways I will try my best to foreshadow the future and just take steps slowly.

A bit of the highs a bit of the lows. Still dislike mornings but this morning was a bit different. I'm taking note of how racing my thoughts are in the morning; I still have something blocking me from daily meditations but I CAN do the 5 senses grounding technique everyday and do things that help me notice my surroundings and notice the solid things, the things I should be proud of and grateful instead of what and how scary anything can possibly be. I just have thoughts of, how scary and mean will my grandma be today; how will I xyz...and I just punish myself for example holding my pee while I do a little decluttering in my room. I just HAVE to punish myself. It's bad. When my grandma talked about letting me go home ahead of her since I needed the bathroom (separate occasion) I got so mad and just, of course, I have the responsibility to make sure she gets home safe so I yelled and said my need to pee doesn't matter! I'm getting you home! And she just recoil from my loud outburst. Idc. She says how I am the weak one too and how attackers would attack me if I'm on my own. I just want her to shut up. I can run. I run from the attackers. I've gone through so many scenarios in my head. Running to any store. And just hiding. Calling police etc. So shut up grandma. Anyway. The highs of this week. I feel like such a Leo. Lol. Attention seeking and loving my body. So it's good I'm just looking at xyz of me and being like heck yeah. Anyways. Zeke is the boy I'm interested in and we're all friendly and continuing to be on good terms. I finally meet someone who apologizes for being away from the phone yknow for the full day. And I tell him it is okay. Anyways. We send our cat pics. I make sure he feels supported. And he makes sure I feel supported. We met once in person. Started knowing him through the internet. We can meet again soon. An hour travel time isn't crazy to me. The way he says make sure you get home safely , and the way he says thanks for understanding brosky makes me feel special. Theres no way he even has time to talk to other people we talk so much. I want to pet him. His brown hair. And I'm sure he wants to pet me. Me with my cat shaped eyes and coy cat like smile. Anyways if he's not interested in actually dating me I don't know how ill feel. We're only as friends right now and I'm okay with that. Maybe next week I'll ask him officially if we can be exclusive and all that.

Well I have another guy, whose name also starts with a J....in my eyes. To chat with. I like how he's up to talk about anything and I already know he sees me as different from other girls, just how J #1 saw me. I am myself. Anyways. I am giving myself freedom to nap as much as I want today. Wanted to put on perfume to see if that will make me feel happy and want to go out but I induced my own headache oops. I'm just hot and cold with reaching out to people and I'm pretty sure this was here before j #1 did this terrible thing of ghosting me forever and out of my life forever..? Who knows I might see him while I'm in Manhattan. Its weird he said he makes sure to go out and walk and stuff but then says he's a hermit. So yeah, idc if I see him again. This j#2 is so similar to him, I mean his good traits...already...anyways ill post when I meet him for the first time, I want to have a sushi picnic in central park and go to a barrrrrr

Well well well, I accomplished getting fully vaxxed with Moderna. I shared with my therapist that my goals, in order, are to get an appointment, show up, then after that i will go back to linked in and indeed and spend time applying to jobs and sitting for interviews. Some days are positive, but only do because I'm thinking about boys. I want so bad to be paid attention to, and thought of as an amazing girl. I am zesty. That is what Z said. Then he felt I was too much. I suppose. He was busy with exams and I was here asking for dates, but I was patient and told him only if it was convenient for him. I met two others after him. I really am lucky for matching with pure gentlemen. The conversations faded naturally and I couldn't imagine spending more time with them y'know. Their interests were too different; one loved drinking and the other loved his work. Me? I'm in the middle, I care more about experiences that are different than that. So then came along Ti... that's not his name but whatever. He looks so ugly in pictures lolol but yeah he's got nice blue eyes I think. We did nature things. Park things. He says he enjoys chatting with me, and always thanks me for the fun times.

Spending the day alone. When I'm in my room, apostates from family by a mere door, that's not! Alone! And for some reason I thought that was a good plan. For a day off. Heck no. Not good. No fresh air no anything but my mess on the floor. The abandoned so called hobbies. So that was two days ago. Today went to Bryant Park. I know last month was when they took away the ice rink. So today is the first time I see the lawn. Nice. I decided to lay down on a bench. Nice hard bench is good for your back in Asian culture. My bed is a spring bed and my east Asian friends have wooden plank beds. Anyways. Hearing conversations about unemployed middle aged people. Yknow just struggling. But still... getting nice confirmations from friends that they aren't alone and blablabla life goes on. So it's comforting to know that no matter what maybe we won't be satisfied with work that we do. So make the most of today. I can hear jazz from an outdoor seating restaurant. I have a Bumble friend I'm chatting to about a Korean drama and their favorite cafes. Life can be smooth and just what you want. If you just breathe.

I love shopping so much haha. New inspiration and invigorated. Want some loafer, pump , hybrid I tried on a size too big, but now I'll keep an eye out for that show brand more. Things have been good. My breathing got more shadow which is bad I think. Meditation and deep breathing must be implemented but I never want to. Anyways I do weekly group therapy but not therapy. It's a zoom for self reflection. My skin since late may have gotten better thanks to dupixent. And today night an exfoliater glove. It actually worked. Knees are soft. So are arms. My Bumble friend is applying to jobs. Sadly got rejected one. I haven't applied. Doesn't feel like the right time. I'm in break. Discovering self. Need no distractions. I'll look into research that it paid like consumer research or psychology research. Yesterday I helped neighbor. Nobody asked me to. And I was thanked. I was in my head about how wrong it'd be to hand something without explaining how is fine and then explaining done like even more work so let me just do it for them. We got talking some too so I feel like my social skills are ok now. Idk