My diary 2020
Hi all. I'm okay with this being public. I feel like stress and sadness is just in my DNA. I'm in early 20s and going to an interview on friday. Entry level sales. I dont know what my fate is, my path. I want to be religious...I want to be spiritual. But it's like no one in my circle is very open to trying it with me, or supporting at all. They are just quiet. All are selfish; and I rationalize that no one should care about me.
So I dont really have strong strong interests. I dont remember my childhood. But I dont want to be a robot. I want to juggle interests, and have a different thing to look forward to everyday.
I really really need to clean. I want to be held accountable that today, in 6 hours, I would have had the main table cleared, as well as my room table. I want to put on my Himalayan salt lamp because I haven't opened it yet. I want reading to be an evening habit, and then journaling. And then before I sleep put my outfit out for work.
I'm already imagining I work at the place. It should be fun. That's how we manifest what we want, right? So who else is on journey of finding career they want, and of manifesting and believing in higher power. What can I do as a "beginner" to have faith and hope when I can't remember my past, and the future is so daunting, where I feel I'm incapable.
Doing better. Still feeling too alone. On days off work. I texted a co worker to see if we can hang out on our days off but she hasn't responded. It made me so anxious to text her and also I wanted to meet up an old coworker guy...ugh I just envision how awkward it will be when we are silent. How the relationship will so sour and I will hate them but hide it. I am looking my room a little more. I will aim to get rid of my old curtains today and have white ones so it's nice and refreshing feel in my room. I will have it ocean wave theme: white frothiness to the blue ocean. I'll buy a side table soon. I have a broken wood one. I've been using the salt lamp its aight. Bought Crystals because I thoughtd it give me good cleansing energy. Work has been pretty good. Getting compliments although I've found a least favorite duty: stacking pillows correctly. so I bought incense from my store. I am quite afraid of using matches lol always has the flame going up onto my finger. so I haven't used incense yet. My rocks are selenite. Rose quartz. Opaline, citrine, jade, and labradorite. Some are for calming some for courage (lab)
Room has a lot more work to do.
I just feel so sad that I have no one to talk to. They just have to be a perfect person. Someone who doesn't respond back the way I want, just angers me
I'm putting myself and my gut feelings first **** I just find cursing to be cathartic but I won't offend anyone. I need to be consistent in one thing. And retail teaches you alot of things. Being able to multitask is so darn important and I want to learn to juggle ok. Being fast with my hands at the register is a skill ok. And my grandma is here saying study to he a teacher....ugh that's so far from freedom in my opinion I mean every job you are controlled and you need to find a way to adapt and appreciate what is in front of you.
When I was "good" around kids, it's just because I need to fulfill the need of being seen and played with as "the favorite" why the fck would I want my whole life to be, pout pout I want them to look and listen to me. That's fcked up. But my grandma just doesn't see "skills" in me and whatever. She doesn't even know how little they are paid. Like whyyyy tell me why you want to take control of my life.
Whys it so hard to put down the mask in front of family. Ugh. I just can't imagine being truthful, to say I'm not well. It's not like I want to change parents that are more willing to hear...but I guess I do
I dressed up to go to an after work party. Again, I do like the place. It's a family. I'm still not good at cash register and I dont think I can't everything I put into the bat, argh argh but I dont want to tie up the customer any longer so I let it be. Had past experience at uniqlo and them telling me my cash register is missing money.
My ezcema making me itchy. Probably not everyon I like going to after party. Not really gonna be food. My dad doesn't want to help me out for me, he only does so sometimes, so he's not driving me to work. Hum hum. Wanna do something reckless but the work crowd be boring hum hum
I still don't see anything wrong with me exploring what's my face ever. I'm planning to bring a mini cooler with beer from the market Yay cheap! Yay new flavors, from Poland! And see if another co worker is up for trying it with me
I don't want to be judged :( just trying to try to spice up my life and see what's fun. I dread no fun....
Hello all. I've finally connected with a good counselor that just suits my needs. (5 days ago, will have our next video session in 2 days) I don't like cringey things but I want to say a whole bunch. It (life) feels a little less lonesome finally. But I get jealous that no one belongs to me...that's why I don't have a boyfriend yet. My mind is divided too much, and that's what causes me to be stuck. I don't think it's important to fill my time working just yet. Idk I will soon....but argh not yet. So DV, I'll call him that, is so sweet, he speaks kinder and more down to earth than his picture makes him look...so I'm thankful I still chose him even if he looks cold in his picture. We text almost everyday, and on the inside...I want to text him more, like send a goodmorning text, but I yell at myself to be independent y'know. All I waant are texts back. I have only one friend and she's always working. I'll let her know soon that I've reached and am getting help...she hears me go back and forth about my bouts of depression.
So I text quite long passages to DV and he has just yesterday decided to put a boundary between us. I got a little mad, like wanting to throw something, but yeah, he said those words, and was saying how I was texting other situations while he was focusing on another, and he as like i'm confused, let's not text until tuesday.
Two days ago he gave good advice about just not fighting against the wind..or in the ocean, thrashing around which can make you drown because you're tired out, so instead float...because I'm like WHAT DO I DO? Everyone's telling me to go find work ( a second job, because my current one only gives 5 hours a week sometimes), panic panic, what to do, I feel drained, etc, and he can see that I don't actually feel ready to go to work so he's telling me to just rest, and the direction I need to go will naturally come to me, and suggested meditating. I'll try it yet again, sighs, and then after I want to buy pumpkin beer. Or wait until work...or go to the blink gym and then after buy some. Really feel the need to try some because i'm 23 and just found out they put out seasonal beers in stores.
I want to drink so I am more open, for my next session. Probably bad idea but I don't care about labeling ideas as bad or good, it's an experience I want to tip my toes in.
What's helping me come to terms with who I am, and these mental illnesses, are two podcasts: 10% happier with dan, and the psychology podcast with scott.
When we deny the permission for ourselves to feel out emotions, there are negative outcomes. Ex: eating disorder, self harm, not commuincating well with others, learning (our brains are in survival mode, and may fail in school because poor decision skills and just deciding to skip)
It's hard feeling relief and comfort from others. I want to scream and curse. I need to be alone, huh? What the fck is the point of a counselor? Counseling should help patients, feel not like patients but normal people having a hard time dealing with daily things, but still take them SERIOUSLY, and when they feel in distress actually comfort them , etc...I'm here feeling high maintenance and AWFUL from the last text I got from my counselor.
Fck...I am having to resume my lengthyyyyyyy search again argh. I didn't start therapy here; I started on another online site, and the first one re read my profile and said, without having a first session with me, that I should seek someone else because I said I wish I could be diagnosed...looking back it was simply that I didn't know mental health counselors don't diagnose...they treat those who are already diagnosed, and are welcome to listen to those who haven't been yet, but still help them understand their worries, etc. But I felt like she was heartless to just disengage with even one conversation
I give too much and expect the same back. Why why can't I change the way I give, and be ok and accepting with the small amount...the selfish amount...of care from others. I need to accept it
@Skyy0
What he said was to put all my thoughts about a family member bothering me, or my responsibilities bothering me, etc., in my journal. I dont get it I even questioned him outright, bluntly, since this is the second time he said that to me I asked what's the POINT of having this texting capability, when you REFUSE to provide help OF ANY SORT! He ignored my message and focused again on saying I am only maintaining a professional relationship with you. I asked if I am a part of his life, because I feel hurt and etc., and he responded with please respect my boundaries. Doctors CARE and want the best for their patients just like counselors should, is he money hungry or just dumb?
He pushes like I made fault in not booking an earlier appointment session WHEN HE'S FULLY BOOKED! He says helloooo I have a 3 day buffer period minimum WHY haven't you signed up, because all this shit you're saying could go in your JOURNAL. Blablabla I can't even with him, just tell me to take deep breaths. That I am worthy. That i have to be patient for many reasons etc idcidc
Fck. I'm caught in the cross roads and both sides are tugging me bit I'm more so tugged to keep DV. Argh. I just need a professional. I already said so much of my story. So I'll just be patient and wait so every week we can unload it all. But he's just not up to solve shit during the days between. Idk what it's there for. It's ok it's ok I'm here for me i have these lovely candles and Crystals. I'm strong for this. I have music to listen to. We'll see it pay off soon enough argh argh. I have to do it calmly. The way he talks in video chat is really nice...just a nice normal person who has things to reference to, just what I like. It's just that he's booked...I can work around that because I have strength.
Different things work for different people. Time is just ...not important on your fcking journey. Why don't people get that? Told my aunt and other people that I've been speaking to a counselor for 3 weeks and how I dont feel good. Everyday same of me not fulfilling tasks just all these negative feelings of "pointless" "not good enough" etc etc
So I expressed my frustration how therapy (online...where they feel uncomfortable diagnosing. Like wtf my guy kinda sounds dumb with just telling me do it...idk argh I cry too much in sessions and idk I'm doing so so getting my point across) so I expressed it and my aunt and others literally suggested I change counselors...I mean no one said pain is supposed to be part of the process. I'm opening up. That's for certain. Why would changing who I open up to, make me feel better? Idk idk he's kind of a perfectionist idk in some ways..he's like this is how it works. Dont text me during week idk argh he said do what I want but three times said "journal it" it doesn't become processed by him, in my opinion
But yeah I told him that I would feel urge to compare self to others. Look at these people saying it isn't hard to get story across ...not supposed to he like this. And he said I have year clients. Its journey in accepting your life, improving it introducing Joy's and lessening the suffering. That just sounds so nice.
I cried so much in last session. So many points of discussion...I feel like a bad person, like I was asking wtf why didnt u let me know about extra charge for two times a week sessions and he's like you sound accusatory. I mean I actually used that "i" not "you" by saying I expected you to tell me lol that lessens the blow and I heard that works alot and yeah I felt that, but anyway I just said sorry after.
I still want therapy to work faster with more worksheets. He says try your interests. Without seeing my obstacles. I feel lots of blockages like not getting why I need to be more...be a role in society..
