My diary 2020

Finally had a morning that felt more healed. Today's Monday. I'm still not good at Journaling daily. I mean stickers are SO cute. It would be cute to every morning write in a journal, look at s blank page and make it more decorated. Bruh I AM an artist. Someone told me my room looks like an artists room. I will, I will...one day soon, go to a local psychiatrist and therapist to get officially diagnosed. Because I really do feel I have adhd with all these..I want to put these words together, I know I can do it! My day felt good, let me explain it! And then the train stops. I don't want to write. And then I force something to come out onto the page and then its going left, going right....I want to talk about everything. Is it coming out ok? He said I had an artists room. The he I'm talking about is Oa. I will nickname him. We elected "awws" when we held hands in the streets we walked. On our first date. We both got carried away drinking. He was constantly offering...one more drink? Which could be a bad sign. Idk. People want to be drunk..right? But he could see I was still the same old quiet me. I must not be having fun. So two more drinks came. and the change was made. I fell on the floor walking. I reached out for him, not the other way around. I still remember everything so that means I wasn't that drunk. He really liked holding my hand. We're a foot difference in height. He, like another Bumble meeting, had said because I didn't display my height on my profile they assumed I would be a giant. And then proceeded to call me tiny. It was fine. Its obvious I am shorter than average and tiny is good. So we met Friday. He made sure to get me all the way to the door of my house before leaving (hour train ride. Extra money needed for him to get home ofc) I was just surprised the whole day that I was able to keep him there and not call the night off early. We went to 6 different bars. We were in sync about wanting to walk and get more drinks. We sang while walking. All the songs that we knew. He really easily breaks the barrier of physicality uncomfortableness by leaning in even within the first hour of meeting, like we were on a picnic blanket and he introduced the cute idea of us bringing a book, and exchange and the one exchanged is what we read aloud. I read rushed and was nervous about not sounding relaxed. But it was fine. I had bugs crawling on me lol and he pulled some out my hair. So few days later he still says fren. Like friend. Shrugs shrugs. I found a cute post on Instagram for labeling your mood. It went from bad feelings like stuck in a loop, to good feelings like excited. And he went ahead and messaged me first. That he feels excited. I'm just shocked once again. Like he didn't need to dm me. I didn't even ask why. We just decided to talk about food. But I wanted to know what work he does cuz the only reason why I feel bad is because I'm unemployed and it's causing worry in the household. Grandma wants me to have my head on straight. I keep going the wrong path. She says they're here to help but I keep going the wrong path. She's so upset. The way her eyebrows go so low and scrunched up, feels terrible to see that I caused her anger. Then we resume walking and she doesn't turn back if I'm falling behind. Its good she's selfish. I find the three of my family selfish mostly. And I totally am too. Its my own right that I keep off job searching. So I can clean up fully. Anyways. I rate oa a 7. He just seems immature when seeing his face but text, sure, he seems mature. He's been through alot. A divorce in parents and then his new stepdad committed the big S when oa was in his teens. Oa made sure his brother didn't see his body that was thrown off the building. That just really sucks. But in person I feel like he cares so much about being funny and in turn I feel I need to be funny but I don't want to be. He's very adorable. Poking his stuffed animals and the way he leaned on his hands when looking at me etc. But I did keep wanting to see the deep side of him and not feel like I should go the easy route and keep skimming the surface and do small talk constantly

I look so elegant. Wowow. Long hair makes such a difference on your appearance. I had long hair only in elementary school and I would never comb it so it never looked elegant. More ratty. I knew I had depression at a young age. And there just seems to be no way I can think differently other than the mindset I grew up with, which was based on fear and then leading me to not do my best. I don't need to come my hair because it just gets knotted again. And there's no way guys would look at me anyways. Anyways. St. John's wort is really really great in my opinion. On third day now. I feel happy when I look in the mirror. Gosh damn I look like a princess. And I really like wearing grey shirts. Such an interesting color. A soft and muted color. Will have to think about living my best birthday. My grandma is really sweet and kinda overlooks things like her anger towards us entire family, and puts a smile on her face and makes sure we have cake and that's pretty much it. the amount of anger she has when she talks to us on a regular basis. Out of this world. Her face scrunches. Sighs angrily in between each sentence. She was angry my dad talks in a way that is accusatory although its not. Simply asking, so you use all the soap in one month, and she goes berserk and says why should I count the days. Idk. Zodiac clashes lol one is a dragon the other a tiger.

Something is missing. Something is off. I don't feel human, is that weird? I went to a funeral a few days ago. I don't fear death anymore. Before I really really feared it (3 years and before that). But everytime I closer my eyes to sleep I feel I'm in a better place so dth won't be different. It's not nothingness. It's another place. I watched some youtube videos and now ghost hunters are something I watch. Heaven and hell is real, spirits are real etc.

Haven't found a job yet but I'm a bit more comfortable to look back at my resume again. I've had a traumatic experience in my last two jobs. I put too much of myself in a job but at the same time I feel I don't work hard enough. The depression has been not as strong for this past two months. Things just feel off and strange but I don't want to lose myself from this earth. I'll get therapy in person after I am on some road to health insurance. My online friends kind of are just so far away again. I'm going to go swiping again. I just don't like the old friends I have. Once again.

Finally sitting up in bed after I wake to be on my phone rather than lay down. Its awful how I felt my body weaken more and more as I got more and more addcted to watching YouTube...like I really like some creators there but why WHY does it feel like the unhealthiest media lol probably tiktok is worse bc of how quick and how you just forget what you just watched...the shorter the media the less effort for both the consumer and the creator of the piece. I guess I am quite passionate about media. I graduated with a BA in communications and I just get mad at myself now and then because I want to be nothing...I want to not have a job bc there's no way I'd feel I belong anywhere. No way I'd feel I have enough passion to work something without having recurring negative thoughts of...hey I'm not doing this fast enough. I hear my sister and grandma tell me I'm not working smart and fast, on everyyyy house chore. I dislike working alone so so much, if it's someone doing it with me I get paranoid that we're not working together and she will do it better and faster than me. You can see I have alot of paranoia right? So thats the obstacle I was facing. Then last night I did something different than my 2 hour youtube consuming and downloaded scrabble go. I played it months back and I t really was giving me achievement feelings. I couldn't believe I was actually good and that they kept giving me sucky players so I decided to uninstall but yeah felt like playinggg with someone so I couldn't find anything else to play thats not big commitment or big comparing to other people like rpg. I'd love to play rpg but its not right I give myself a fun game to play if I don't have a job. I applied to a handful of jobs so I diddd reach my goal of applying to jobs before my vacation. Will be back home in a week. So I applied when I was almost done with a scrabble game. Beat her yayyy ahaha I like to do a bunch of things at once. I felt accomplished to quickly apply and then finish game so its like two in one and not as much pressure about omg why should I apply here ahahahahhh. Anyways. Room is 25% more clean too as I cleared the room this morning. I'm healthy btch

Quite anxious and feeling something is wrong. Wrong with me. With what I do with my time. With my family. They are wrong. I am wrong. I'm stuck because of myself. But yesterday I made quite some progress right? With cleaning the floor and applying to 5 jobs. But I fell down again. Its so scary to keep momentum. How can I feel like I deserve a job etc. Going to Boston now and I want to be not with family while I'm there. It'd by nice to make new friends there and do new things. So much culture and I love culture. I love Boston. History of American wars and things like that. The brick exposed things are always the best. But nooo I made myself stuck where I don't have enough willpower and money to travel on my own. Today ill he there glued to the hip with my grandma who elicits emotions out of me lol I just really have to smile idkidk but yeah going to only stay a few hours to grocery shop nd then go to new Hampshire where boredom and weirdness awaits. Being in the lingo of I don't want to play with family but I need to play play play something

Hi! Its been 2 weeks. Sipping on some warm coffee now. I just love multitasking and doing a bunch of lunch prep while my coffee chills out...but I found out I dooo like hot coffee ack. Room for improvement I guess. But yeah coffee makes me feel better like a normal person I just feel clear headed. Yeah..I feel like I want to end maybe a while after but only cuz I can't sit with my dad for long any more. Umm..too many thoughts to say. But yeah my grandma scolded that I'm lazy like my dad and I yelled back I'm trying and that applying for jobs is a valid process and I'm in that right now. But ywah...I don't mind sweeping so ill do that and I want to clean my fish tank ...sad face...some fish died it was awful. My dad said it is my job to take them out and it stayed there over some nights and the stink was awful and my grandma had to deal with that too. But yeah. Jobs. Sales. Is something I care about. It was quite fun taking indeed tests to add that I am proficient in sales skills. Being in that team environment where we help eachothwr is much better than the past pyramid scheme I was in. This furniture store looks nice...they say 25 per hour plus commission tips thats craazy but I actually feel I am capable for that. This magical feeling did kind of come overnight. Just took the steps to apply to those things and finding out I can say yes to those qualifications of wanting to help people etc and get them their favorite products. Life is easier with the right product

Greetings from a Brooklyn Park. Is nice. The workers recently cut the grass but left so there's the smell without it going into your eyes. Wonderful. Love the smell. It rained alot yesterday too so it feels like a new sky a refreshed sky. Got its tears and anger of lightning and thunder out. Went to bookstore alone yesterday. Will finally get to read Oscar wilde. I think he writes smoothly, and just nicely. I finished this romance novel a friend suggested. I bought it! Lol less than 4 bucks but I really can't stand to have it in my home, it made me mad. A man with his demons , umm I guess simply a woman who was scared of him when he slept with her and was forceful only because thats how he is...but anyways he didn't want to get close to any other women, but it didn't make me empathize with him, just made me angry with how he treats this woman he likes with coldness and even asked her to marry him but wasn't nice about it at all, and rightfully she said no. Chapters later she calls him her lover and he only laughs when he's with her. Its just gross. Idk j only like adventure and fantasy books if its a modern novel , if its a classic then yes a love story is great. Anyways. Want to shop for new sneakers because the two that I have have holes. And buy fish food too. My pet fish are alright but they still make me angry too. Idk. How to resolve that. Its just they require care and I don't really care to care. Same as house work. Well maroom isn't that bad. A plant next to me in the bookshelf. Named it aziela , its a dragon something plant... and the table is clear except for three decorations which include fake roses from my sister. Put makeup today sitting there too, for the first time. In the day time. I used to play with makeup at night. I will be going to my last round of interview tomorrow at yet another retail store. Will be my third one. But I feel retail is a good place for me, just transiting to an office building and all of that is eekkkk ewwww. I have to shadow and prove my worth and be professional anddd friendly? Too much forcing. So yeah. Not. That. But with retail you don't gotta be friends with coworkers it comes naturally. In the office its more forced to work together I think. Independence is allowed in retail so its good

So it's been a full week working this children's clothing place. Humans are nice. I guess. Aiya. It's crazy they expect only one person to go downstairs etc, such terrible scheduling. Anyways. I have depression but like... my other co workers are also so easily exhausted wtf being human sucks. We have energy ... never. Want a drink. But it's a good place I guess. This work. Very slow paycheck honestly. I did make more door to door ... but the whole boundary setting off this is work this is off work, here, is great

Going to sleep with a different feeelinnngg. Just felt good. Already felt good before my super nice friendly manager said good job today. She was off work. And she saw amount of sales this coworker and I made. I did 0 calls. But its okay I know how to handle them pretty well now from watching Ja do it. Just pick up, ask them to give ref number type it in our system and say yeah we have it just give me your name and number and I'll hold it for a day. If its not in our system I say, okay let me take your number and see if I can organize a pickup for you at our Madison etc location. Like bruh unprofessional 3rd Avenue I think it was, that did not pick up. Anyways. 2 days ago I'm like wah why aren't they teaching me, why do I feel like jazmin is above me...but she messes up thoughhh..wahh. and I was at the same time thinking noo don't teach me I don't wanna do hard things. Turns out its enjoyable to fulfil orders for people start to finish. But yeah today was a completely different day than usual. Felt fast , like I did think please don't come in please don't come in a few times, but when they're in, I do feel good to talk to them at checkout, just asking if they're having a good weekend, and being shocked with them that there's so many baby showers etc. Again my best skill is noticing whatneeds replenishing and being the onlye one to act on it and it proves good. That cardigan I moved up for all to see sold right away. That soft onesie. Right away! Just need to make sure I'm punctual

Book done! Picture of Dorian gray. It was only okay. I highlighted points of philosophy. Because if I just read through i wouldn't have stuff to absorb. Because the ending is quite dismissive and different from the middle of it, I guess. Dth is just too easy and I hate the third point of view throughout the book. With the dth, there's cops looking and its just so boring. Anyways. In my blue room with my blue corduroy jacket as second blanket. Seeing the clouds being whooshed by the wind. Listening to piano melodies. I usually don't listen to piano. I don't want to be further blue. But I am. But it feels right and stuff. I have today and tomorrow off. No seeing Clara no seeing customers who treat themselves as superior and can just throw products where they want and impatiently tell me they are in a rush but so slowly and patiently thanks Clara. I do forget over and over to ask their name for loyalty. Ugh. She is behind my shoulder aight. And box wrapping j should've taken that ribbon to practice. Don't know the hugging way. I confused with my identity my joys mynpurpose...again. like watching movies. Ewan. I guess thats it