In the Corner

Ok yesterday was hard but its okay 💚

Random optional hugs ✨️

@iloveyouxx @justmeeva @LoveMyMoonflowers

@unassumingEyes 

*hugs* 💕

@justmeeva love you 🩷

@unassumingEyes 

love you too 💕

@unassumingEyes

*big huggle wuggles* love you eyes 💜 

@LoveMyMoonflowers love you too 🩷🤍

@unassumingEyes

💜

Im going to try to restart some kicking practice today. I havent done any in weeks but i want to try again today

(My balance will probably be as bad as when i started again xD here we go-) 

@unassumingEyes my balance is *so* off but thats not even the worst thing xD my kicks have like no strength xD i wldnt be able to knock a pencil over/jk but u get it xD 

Hmmm apparently i have to "eat" to gain "strength" hmmmmmm what a weird concept 

*processes*

*thinks*

*processes some more*

…

*my brain shuts down*-

dw its not a bad thing i think

And to think i was having a good day

Tw

I want to cry and nothing even happened and i dont even feel sad or anxious or stressed its like idk idk idk like there were good emotions and interesting thoughts today and i actually feel kind of overwhelmed by that? Is overwhelmed even the right word?? 

@unassumingEyes 

*offers safe hugs to eyes friend*

@justmeeva *hugs*

Tw i just read a fic where smone set off fireworks next to a character to give them a headache. I get that was fictional but it made me wonder if people do this irl? Like theres all types of awful people. Its very possible. And like in the fic its treated as a not great thing obv but imo its worse. Honestly it feels like people underestimate headaches sometimes. Ive had so many types of headaches so often- i have one right now- and there isnt always a "cure". Painkillers dont always help. Reducing lights and noise dont always help. Sleeping doesnt always help. Sometimes theres nothing to do but ride it out. Migraines are even worse. Ive only had a (diagnosed) migraine once and it was awful. Because i have headaches so often my family usually dismisses it when i say i have one- but just because the pain is common doesnt mean it isnt pain. The very possibility that people might purposefully cause others headaches is very irritating to think of. Hopefully in this context, fiction is just fiction and nothing of this sort happens irl. 

I feel like one thing stops me from like getting better or whatever.

I feel guilty. Like i have all these...resources and good friends and there are so many my age hurting and...

Like how can i practice kicking and try out some baking and have healthy conversations with my friend to help us move on from past fights and just be healthy when so many my age arent?

How can i have hope when so many dont? Hows that fair?

I feel like the only way id be able to accept being okay without guilt is if i were helping others be okay too.

But how can i help? My friends say i do. People on cups have said i do. Do i? What does anything i say or do change in the long run? 

How can i learn to take happiness without giving any? 

How can i, how dare i have happy moments when at that same time several people are hurting?

I dont know

@unassumingEyes

*hugs if okay* 💙

@LoveMyMoonflowers *hugs* 

I feel like im improving in some aspects but

I feel more...silent

I love talking

All i talk about is the unimportant stuff now

Things i dont care about

They dont even listen to that

They dont listen to anything

Whats the point in talking? (I love talking i miss it i miss talking about things that matter )

Tw mean mode on. Uhm those are lessening again tho so yay? But getting some urges. 

Um im still on cups rn but staying quiet and ill log off if it gets worse

(Forgive me if i say smth dumb)

Tw she yelled

@unassumingEyes

i’m sorry 😞💜

Why do parents think everythings the phones fault?

And then they set a wonderful example by being on the phone all the time themselves

??? 

(Yes i am still on the phone. Ill put it down when she cms. Whats she gonna do? Yell? Take the phone? Parents, this is the consequence of being too "strict". If ur going to yell no matter what i do, why shld i bother being "good"? Why not just do what makes me feel better even tho u said no? If i out it down and listened, ur just gonna find smth else to be mad about. Why shld i bother? I dont- not anymore. Its wrong maybe, but its how it is)

Atleast cups health assessment finally moved down from 100% depression and anxiety levels. In fact i seem to have jumped down to an estimated 50%. Thats good?

Tw tbh im just waiting for her to yell again 

Like waiting for the other shoe to drop xD

I hate studies. Sometimes i get real mad and want to tear out all the pages. And my sister sits over there all nice and perfect studying for hours without a problem and i just have to squish all the stupid jealousy down and wonder if shes as content with life and herself as she seems or if i have forgotten to read her through the years.

I hate studies.

I hate that i dont know my sister anymore.

I hate the ugly jealousy mom rooted in me after years of comparisons, that makes me have to bite out searing remarks on how ofcourse she doesnt understand me, shes mom's perfect useful robot. It isnt fair. It isnt her fault but it isnt mine either

Tw what im doing is not smart and maaaaybe not safe?

Ive got it under control no worries- (im being an idiot-)

And if it spirallsss then i deserve it soooo

@unassumingEyes ok uh that one was an obvious trap so i ignore that one (*literally all of them could be traps-*)

Kids dont be eyes 

🤌

@unassumingEyes My brain: Lets never do that again, eh? 

Me: Agreed.

🤞hope i actually dont do that again xD 

Idek if this is a poem or what but i wrote it xD: 

(TW for thunderstorm and possibly smth else im not sure-)

Thunderstorm, thunderstorm, break me apart
Thunderstorm, thunderstorm, lend me a heart
Thunderstorm, thunderstorm, strike me to ash
Teach me when to think and when to be rash
Show me the source of your strength
The reason behind your songs
Are you grieving over a million deaths
Angered by a million wrongs?
Show me the reason you yell
What are you trying to let the world know?
Did you see the way we fell
And brought out this dreadful storm?
Thunderstorm- show me why i hear your cries
And let me see the tears dropping from your eyes
And every little kid and hurting man
Jumps at the sound of your forceful slam
What emotion do you wish to provoke?
What made you shoot towards us lightening and smoke?
Thunderstorm, thunderstorm, tell me your secrets
Thunderstorm, thunderstorm, lend me a heart
Thunderstorm, thunderstorm, lay out our regrets,
Thunderstorm, thunderstorm, break me a part
And burn the pieces to a million ashes
And hide it deep in Mother Earth
But, thunderstorm, thunderstorm, in between all your flashes
Tell me the reason for all this hurt 

My sister would call it "emo"

...ok, it kinda is-

@unassumingEyes 

i seem to be absolutely amazed by anything you write but i’ll still say, i love it

@justmeeva

And i love you 🩷/gen 

Thank u 🩷

Mentally arguing with myself 😶

My brain: talking about it will help you-

Me: its no big deal

My brain: thats what you said about the dishes-

Me: and i was right

My brain: AND the moment you talked about it to someone you felt way better so

Me: that proves nothing

My brain: you want to tell someone so why not 

Me: because!

And so on

Im literally arguing with myself anyone who can read my thoughts would be like: 

🍿oooh drama🍿 

xD 

21 experiments to learn today. Ive done way worse. I mean, like that time i did 5chapters of physics in half a day- i can totally do this

*nervous laugh* 

Lastexamlastexamlastexam-

(Pretends everything will get better after exams bcz cmon we need to have some hope yea?) 

Tw mentions of s.x and related stuff

I cant convince myself to go in detail or even find the words to explain, but recently i fell into bad (online) company and they started trying to convince me to see...inappropriate pics and one guy...er...taught me how to...you know, "play" with myself...i didnt-...and one guy was like really nice at first...he was like in his 30s supposedly..and he started erm "role playing" intimate scenes with me online...told him to stop and he did but then he started pushing nd asking me how i "felt" when he was saying that stuff nd i left eventually and now im like avoiding the site where they are (the only place they hv contact with me) and i just feel really like. 

Creeped out.

Like.

What the actual everliving **** was that? 

And yeah literally all of them know my age so they had like 0 shame with that

'-' 

I don’t really see much of a reason to stay in cups anymore. Im just gonna finish sm courses/paths i was trying out and try to stay as long as @iloveyouxx @justmeeva and @LoveMyMoonflowers are here- be it days or weeks or months or years. But group chat and regular interactions and forum posts just feel…one sided? And thats not anyones fault but i think this place isnt doing much for me anymore- so yea ill stay as long as my frnds do/want me to, but then i guess im out of here? 

@unassumingEyes 

awwe i’m gonna keep you here for as long as possible 🥺

@unassumingEyes

*hugs if okie* i don’t really know what to say tbh, so… i just want to begin with apologising 💜 i’m sorry 💜 i’ve wanted to write a note/letter apologising for a long time now, to you eyes friend and to eva friend and nadia friend too 💜 tbh apologising for everything really… for not being a good friend and for not being there for you three when, in the past, i said i would. and i’m just sorry for any careless words or actions 💜 for anytime i made any of you feel hurt, unseen, unheard, alone, and for any time i was just being careless or i ignored you, i’m sorry 💜 i’m not a good friend and i haven’t been. i’m really sorry 

as for you leaving, eyes buddy… mmmm. :') i know we don’t talk that much, except those few times we see each other in rooms or when i occasionally reply in this space, or when we talk somewhere around forum land - but still, i think i would miss you if you left 💜 i would 💜

ik you said you’ll stay as long as eva and me and nadsies are here, but tbh it made me a little sad to read that… nowadays interactions here feel one-sided for eyes friend :( i’m sorry 💜 i think i get what you mean though 

idk - do you think you maybe just need a break? maybe you can take a break and come back and see how you feel? :') is there any way we can make things a little better? 💜 

idk what to say other than i’m sorry :( 

@LoveMyMoonflowers 

ni love 🩷 i don’t know about eyes and nadia fren, but to me, you have nothing to apologise for 🥺 you’ve made so much pain more bearable, listened,  cured the loneliness, so many amazing things so many times. i completely understand the self doubt kind of feeling, like you haven’t done enough, but for me you absolutely have 🩷 i’ve said it before and i’ll say it a million times more if i have to - you’re the best kind of friend anyone could ask for. even if you can’t always be here, because you have your reasons, you’re not doing anything wrong. even if you’re tired, whether physically or mentally, you’re still the same you. the same amazing you. nothing could ever make me think of you and associate you with the words “bad friend”. not possible. 

i just want to tell you, you are enough. you’re doing enough. you’re doing good. you’re good at being a good friend. i promise. ❤️