In the Corner

Gonna close cups cuz still hv sm nausea gn everyone 💕💕💕

i’m late…… 🥺

Okay

*deep breath*

thats how u know its gonna be a real big rant-

Tw but nothing specific just incase cuz i dont know which direction this rant will go-

sooooooooooo have yall ever noticed a thingy i do where i sometimes over-describe or over-rant (?) about a thingy/feeling? Yes? No? Well i kinda do it lol. Even in my ✨head✨

now note the kicking practice. Note chief. “He” is new. Why do i listen to him when he tells me to practice? Note that. 

future. Thats a rough topic for some of us. I might do another rant on that, but thats not the focus right now. Ive mentioned future sometimes. I plan alot of things for it. Like. Not “ill go skydiving” or something. Business plans. House plans. When ill move out. How long i will withstand pressure to marry. That kinda thing. I plan it all. I tell noone. These are my own plans. Note that, too.

I always tell someone when i feel sick, weak, or have some weird pain. Why did i need to tell yall about granny back? I didnt. I did it anyways. Note that.

I watch alot. I eavesdrop. I should be ashamed of that, but its impossible not to eavesdrop. Mom and dad talk about their secrets really loudly. You cant help but hear.

But i watch alot. I watch people. Dynamics. Grandmother and aunt have tension between them. Theres a stress in my cousins relationship with his dad. My sis strives for dads approval but usually gets moms more. That doesnt mean he doesnt approve of her- he just doesnt show it as much as mom. My younger cousins will lie for attention, and theyll be believable lies. 

I watch people. Note that.

I cry everytime the urge is there, as long as its at home. I dont hold back. Note that.

Now bring all that together. 

Excessive ranting. On the surface, the reason is to get out all the emotions, prevent bottling em up and clearing my head. On the surface.

Listening to chief. On the surface, he has good advice, so why not. On the surface

Future plans, and carefully watching the present. On the surface, im, what, observant? Obsessive?

Telling someone about my pain. On the surface, im whiny. Cant handle the smallest things. Im ‘weak”. Same thing for crying. 

Now take a deep breath. We’re diving under the surface.

I tell someone, anyone, about my pain to be on the safe side. Im underweight-ish, and have a history of not being healthy. If anything happens, it shall not be said that it was because “noone knew i was having x symptoms’. They will have known. And they will have known because i always tell.

Crying, and excessive ranting. Same real reason for both. If anything happens, i will not be too stressed, or full of so many bottled up emotions, that i lose my calm and break. I watch everyone hold in their tears. I shake my head. If anything were to happen, i think, you’re facade will crack, and that bottle of emotions will erupt like a volcano at the worst time. No, i process my emotions as much as possible, so if anything happens, my bottle will have space to hold any panic, and i can remain calm. If the logic seems faulty, ill admit, its never been tested. No worries. Itll be tested one day.

Listening to chief. Need to practice. Why? 

Need the strength.

Future plans. Avoid being caught off guard.

Watching people. Know my allies, my friends, and my enemies. Need to trust someone? I watch, and i see, so that if i do need to, i know who to trust and who to avoid. 

Notice something? Probably not. Who’d stick around for such a long rant? But if you did, let me refresh your memory a bit.

“If anything happens…”

Thats it. Thats the point im trying to make. That, my friends, is the sense of anticipation. The sense that says, something big, good or bad, is coming, and you must prepare. And all that above, is me preparing. So yeah, in a way, i do self care. Care with my emotions, my body, blablabla. I do that. But its not for me in the same way it is. Im not dealing with my emotions or stuff to be healthier or healing. Im just preparing. Preparing for something. 

Anxiety? Maybe. Never tested it. Thats something adult-me will check out. Im too much of a coward (hah) to ask my parents to get me tested. 

For now, its the sense of anticipation. And when it says prepare? You better believe im going to prepare.

Hope itll be enough

Idk im not okay rn

Dint wanna be in a bad mood before sleeping but wht cn i do bout it lol

Was gonna explain why i was feeling low but why bother atp

***

Tw Either he left or hes de.ad do you freaking understand that

Dam right im in cri-sis