In the Corner

@unassumingEyes i mean, i hv thoughts, obviously, but i dont, i wont do anything.

besides i didnt say anythinh like that so i dont know how cups knows-

@justmeeva i will msg my frnd asap..but i hv to wait really long…

chiefs telling me to get my life together heh. Thats good advice i say. Im not going to do that i say. He says it was worth a shot

Chief and mother r weird, heh, theyre like imaginary frnds in my head. But thats okay i think. Todays the second time chief spoke…i kinda knew hed come when im being dumb heh

@unassumingEyes 

i’m really sorry but i have to go to school lovely.. next time i might able to come back is in a few hours.. but you take things slow okay? i’ll keep you in my thoughts, and i believe in you 🩷

@justmeeva its ok..im calmer…thnk u for being here…hv a good day <3

Coming back here and realizing i actually spent 2 hours a m e s s…

I tried to study after that whole thing. In the past 3 hours i did one math exercise… 😬

4 days left till exam including today…and ofcourse thats when i start to go downhill

*** but i gotta study something today 

@unassumingEyes 2 exercises...

Im gonna hv to make up for today tomorrow...

Tw

*me building walls around me irl and hoping someone will see im hving a really bad day*

*my mom, calling me an idiot etc and yelling at me infront of my 14yr old cousin bcz i accidentally spilled something on my shirt. The shirt is old. It wasnt even a big deal-* 

Atleast my cousin was kind enough to pretend not to hear. Like zero reaction. Didnt even blink. I prefer it that way xD

Literally the moment i spilled it my aunt, uncle and grandmother started almost _panickingly_ assuring us thats its okay, dont worry bout it, keep eating (at dinner time) and glancing at mom

Who had already started glaring me

And kept glaring

The whole dinner

And then made that scene in front of my cousin about it

Like bruh.

I was literally being swarmed by unsafe thoughts today

And she freaked

Over a spill

Tw Im still doing bad today…every few minutes the tears come and i blink them away…

Im also getting physically weaker. I cant eat nowdays- i always ate lesser than anyone else, but now i have half of what i used to eat, which is barely anything. My legs have been aching for 2 days now, my headaches have fewer breaks in between, and when i tried to practice some kicks i found i couldnt balance on one leg long enough to do the kick right. Thats…probably not good? Especially since just a week ago my kicks were getting stronger and more balanced? So losing all that energy in a week…thats a bit too fast. Id be scared to check my weight rn…i definitely feel like i must hv ruined my progress in that direction.

Mom says im thinner.

I cant eat

Dad called. He says my mission is to just give the exams.

“Forget everything else. Your mission- give the exams. Eat those exams. Focus on nothing else”

My brain yelled, Im not eating nowadays

My brain yelled, I cry too much now

My brain yelled, My friend could be de-d and you dont even know they exist

Chief said, I think your dad has a point

and just like that, i gave in

Patience. Thats what i need right now. I need to be patient. 2 months, and these exams are over. 2 months, and i can finally focus on why im not eating, or how weak i feel, or how scared i am of losing someone.

Until then, give the exams. Give the exams, give the exams, give the exams.

I am not okay 

@unassumingEyes 

*sits with you if okay*

Tw ive never cvt…yet…

i just feel worse nd worse nd this anticipation is increasing but *** i know nothings gonna happen ive been anticipating for 3years

I want to cry…***…now not, moms home and dads on a video call i cnt…

I cnt study…nd my head hurts…

Im spending everyday now in panic and unable to study from like 9am to 6pm and then at 6pm i break my fast with like one date and a little of whats for dinner and then i dont eat till 3am and i sit there till i fall asleep nd do nothing

i do nothing all day

*** thats gotta be a bad sign

Tw lied to my irl life frnd yesterday…nothing big just said nothing happened when she asked whats wrong

its so funny nd painful shes the only one who notices my low moods nd who i want to tell everything

But im scared. Im scared to tell her im not rlly a proper Muslim rn. Im scared to tell her i hv secret frnds online and seek support thru a mental health site. I know she wouldnt get mad, or straight up leave.

but maybe id rather she straight up leave than slowly pull away…

maybe someday ill tell her, maybe someday i wont. I dont know

I feel like if i want to lessen the anger at literally everyone, i should probably try to find what angry-me latches onto and address that when im not angry-me. Or something like that. I dont know how i cn do that irl yet, but i thought, start small with cups friends! 

So. 

I have literally no idea why angry-me feels mad at @LoveMyMoonflowers sometimes. If i were to guess, flowers, id say its the leaving without a goodbye- but u made that forum thread so i guess thats okay. (And id still love you and wait for you even if theres no goodbye)

@iloveyouxx first of all, angry me is looking for excuses to be angry. Im trynna sort of eradicate the excuses so i get to the bottom of the real problem, or whatever. 

Which means, in other words, its not your fault. 

But angry me is mad about this- your hiding. You are absolutely entitled to having some space, 100%, and if you dont feel comfortable around us sometimes, thats not your fault either. You can absolutely hide if you need to hide nadia frnd. Thats okay.

But can you clear up somethings? Like whats okay and what isnt? Can i tag you? Can i seek conversation with you, or should i back off? Not knowing makes me fidget, and not being told makes angry-me…angry. I literally still love you and will still love you, and okay-me is not mad. Angry-me is not okay. So its not your fault. I just want to clear it up/genq

Communication is key. Pretending not to get upset over these kind of things could just escalate everything. Thats why im saying this. Not cause i want you upset, or because i cant forgive you

@unassumingEyes

okie🤍first- I wanna say you don’t have to over explain anything heh :P🤍I really understand what you mean and I get why angry-you is angry at it right now💜I’ll answer your questions🩷but I hope it doesn’t make you any angrier >:💙you can always tag me and or seek conversation- I don’t mind at all and it’s completely okay🤍I’m sorry for making angry-you angry and if I honestly made *you* angry that’s okay and I’m really sorry too💜communication is key- and you’re right <3 I don’t know what I can clear up-..(?) but I "hid" for a lot of reasons- that I’m not sure you want to hear in your situation.🩷I don’t know. I don’t know what I need to clear up but I feel like I do need to clear up something. I feel bad but I didn’t think it’d make anyone angry if anything..I’m sorry❤️if there’s something you need me to clear up please ask💜? I wouldn’t like making anything any harder than it already really really is for you >:💙

I wrote this the second I got tagged- but had to go for a really long time- so sorry about that too :P🩷

if I can I’d love to have you get to the bottom of the real problem🩷I want to help🩷however that is💜

@iloveyouxx just seeing you responded settled a sort of calm over me, so thank you ❤️

I need to over-explain everything :p

i think the reason sudden-hiding or leaving bothers me is because i get…attached easily and i hv had frnds who just *poofed* out of my circle- like no warning. Ive gone to school one day and talked to a close friend and went the next day only to be ignored- and that day we were planning to make origami frogs too so i really dont know what happened- and that frnd (?) had been my second friend after moving schools (and the first frnd wasnt great either 😔) so that really hurt. And i had to be in the same class as her for 3 more years as she continued to ignore me :/ it wasnt great. And now i moved countries and im just afraid of losing all my irl friends- and then on cups one friend is seriously tw contemplating and flowers switches between leaving and staying and there was that scare when eva took a break without specifying that one time and uve been hiding for so long and i just got a bit over-whelmed i think. Not knowing where one of u is and if ur gonna be back just kinda hits hard. 

I dont hv anymore questions. I wont ask why ur hiding (altho ur welcome to share) 

i think i just needed to confess that i was bothered :p

*almost starts over explaining again*

*realizes i wrote a big enough para*

*stops* xD

@unassumingEyes

omg- what the fluff :'3🤍that’s a lot eyes..D: I think I understand even more now :')🩷I think anyone would be overwhelmed/hurt/angry- and I get attached easily too tbh :P🤍I always have but this really is a lot eyes💜I’m reallyreally sorry💜about all of it and me adding onto it too💙

lol you don’t have to put a tw in front of the word contemplating :PP or if you put that cos you were about to talk about cups frens you don’t have to either haha :P xD💕

xD you’re free to say what you wanna say xD but if it’s about the fact it’s not my fault and all that I get it lol xD thankyou💞

@unassumingEyes

i’m sorry friend… 😞 tbh i’m not sure why i left without a goodbye. i just felt silent. i felt like i couldn’t say anything and at the same time didn’t want to say anything. i just left… in silence and i hoped i wouldn’t be back, which is what i always hope whenever i take a break of sorts :') a lot of things were going on in my mind at the time. i guess i still have a lot on my mind now, too, but im not sure how to talk about it, really. 

im really so sorry if it hurt you friend 💜 i absolutely didn’t mean to hurt you 😞 or anyone here :') but it’s super understandable and valid to feel angry or to feel hurt 💙 to feel whatever you’re feeling now and whatever you felt in that moment. 💜 im sorry :') *hugs eyes buddy if okay* i appreciate you for writing this post and tagging me and nadia friend 💙 we love you too eyes, so much. i’m so sorry if i haven’t made that… very clear before, eyes buddy. :') that i love you and that you do mean lots to me. 💜 big hugs for you, if okay 💙 you deserve all the hugs. 

@iloveyouxx @justmeeva 

i just want to say i’m sorry for not being active in the corner too… and not very active in our private talkie spaces either. i know that if someone doesn’t respond to a tag after a long while and they’re still active on cups in other threads it can feel like they’re ignoring you and it really honestly hurts 😞 and i’m so so so sorry, genuinely sorry, if i made you all feel this way. 😞💜

i promise i’m not trying to ignore anyone… :') lately it’s been hard trying to keep up in forum-land, i haven’t been very right mentally/emotionally to reply either, i feel like sometimes when we have lots to reply to it can feel like we don’t have the energy to reply. but if i hurt you all, that shouldn’t be an excuse 😞 im very sorry… 

lots of hugs for you three if okay… 💙

@LoveMyMoonflowers *hugs tight* its not your fault. I love you very very much. And its oki if u dont hv the energy to respond sometimes ❤️

@unassumingEyes

*huggle wuggles vv tight* mmm no friend it is my fault….. i’m sorry. 😞 vvv sorry. 💙

@LoveMyMoonflowers oki, so it was a tiny 🤏 bit not nice to have u poof without warning, yes, but u made the whole goodbye forum thingy now to keep us updated, which means ur trying, which means its oki ❤️

@unassumingEyes

me thinks me understand because me would feel not vvv nice if eyes buddy poofed without warning or eva bean poofed without warning or nadia bean… 😞 so yeah me thinks me understand friend…. :')

thank you <3 your so sweet. 🥺 love you friend 💙 

@unassumingEyes

_{*agrees in the background* :3💞💞}

@iloveyouxx

*huggieee attackkkk for nadiaaaa if okiieee*

@LoveMyMoonflowers

its v okiee💕*gentlie huggie-attacs yous backk* :3💕💕🤗

@iloveyouxx

“gentlie huggie attacs yous back”? /lh 💕 omg i’m literally smiling so much lol fr and i’ve melted 🥺 why’s that so cute 🥺 everything you say and the way you say it is so freaking cutu nadia beanie 🥺💜 *huggle wuggles you vvvv tight and sends loads of luv and good vibes for you* 💕 

also me has little question for nadia beanie 😅 me noticed you has a little diary space now 💜 and me thinks that’s good because we all need a safe comfy corner where we can be ourselves and talkie 💕 and have friendos peeking in and talkie-ing 💕 me wanted to ask if it okie if ni friend peekss there and maybe say hi now and then and leave a huggie for you 💜 because nadia friend said something in main postie and now me wondering if replies from friends are okie? :o me just asking no pressure to answer though friend 💜 i hope this wasn’t uncomfyy or awkward or anything 😅 agh i’m so weird lol 

@LoveMyMoonflowers

yous don’t know how many time I had to rewrite this-T^T🤍smhsmh cups being a meanie :'3🩷sorry for keeping yous waiting for so long💜

question :0🤍I like questions :P💜when they’re not math related D:🤍hehe my diary space just stresses me out xD💙but yus I agree💕nifren is v welcome to be in the space and talk about anything/just leave a hi ofc💜but but is you sure you want to get notified there :')🩷it’s not always ✨positively positive✨ :'3💜and yus my main post is confuzzling hehe- but see nibean also has a VIP pass and is vv welcome anytime for any reasun xD💞only vvvv special hoomansouls get a VIP pass💕💕you’re not weird D:💙sometimes I wish you could see you from my eyes/view🩷cos there yous one of the sweetiest and kindest and strongest hoomanbeans ever knuwn :P💖

but yus fren I’d love to see you in my space💞with the VIP pass xD😛💕💕🐢

@iloveyouxx

(Agh forums being forums… they be so mean ☹️)

Awww just Nadia beanie being the bestest Nadia in this entire world 🥺💜 why you so sweet. Fr lol 😭 thankies for the VIP pass :P awww. <3 

also friend… mmm. Me not sure if nadia friend has peeked in yet in my diary thread :o (if you have, that okieee friend, my lovely friends are vvvvv welcome there 🥺 they make it a warmer, kinder, more comfyy space always) but my diary thread mmm it’s not always v positive lol 😅 and yk what…? That’s okay. <3 me knows some friends on here and they have diary spaces as well. And it’s not always bright and sunshine-y and that’s… life. It’s not all rainbows and sunshine and that’s okay <3 it’s okay not to be okay. 🥺💜 Nadia friend is free to be herself in her corner, you is allowed to express yourself freely and if that means talkie-ing about the not-so-okiee things sometimes, that’s okie. 🥺💜 

I love you so much friend. 💜 *Huggles youuuu* thank you for being you <3 

@LoveMyMoonflowers

(onu D: they really do >:🤍!)

as an amazing cups frendo once said :3 the best people bring out the best in me💗(yus :o💕talking about youu niibeann💜yous the best🥺💓)

ofcofc😁only the specialist of the special souls get one remember xD💖this is random but every time I type "xD" it automatically switches to "daddy" T^T like :')🤍I’ve typed "xD" a lot but it still does that :PP🤍

ou nu I’ve seen it before hehe- I think main post said something like replies are okies just not regular replies(?) or maybe that was another post :P🤍cos I remember nibeanie saying that in a post🩷but whatever it was made me click on it :o I just clicked on the lil 2 arrows that lead you to the last page- it was like 80 something at the time ;-; xD💕I don’t remember anything from it tho >: maybe a gif/photo by sunniebean? or maybe that was on the first page :P💜

awwweeee🥺💜yous so sweettt <33🥺💕💕nadiafriends corner messes with brain :P💙idk how something that’s meant to be comfy becomes stressful heh :'3💜

see- now *thats* illegal😛🩷I’ll always love you more frend💜and smhsmh nibeann :P🤍yous the most appreciate-able hoomanbean I knuw :'P only I get to over appreciate other hoomanbeans xD💕you’re so sweet tho🥺💗you remind me of something good about me almost every second :')💜one day I’ll dedicate a whollee day to appreciating you xD and there’ll be soooo much love you’ll get overwhelmed by it all xD💖

Tw Exam tomorrow :p

note to self- dont hv a panic attack at the exam centre

(seriously, dont)

@unassumingEyes

*cheers you on from a distance*🎉🎉💖🎉🥖🥖🎉

@iloveyouxx *is afraid from a distance*/hj

My hands cramping and i need to practice (maths) but my sis wont ler me write cause she says then itll cramp too much and i wont be able to write tomorrow

*screams into the void* 

@unassumingEyes

onu D: why’s your hand cramping D:

smh now you got granny hands too/j/j😛

slowly retiring../j👵

hm can you practice when your hands better >:🩷? cos maybe yous sisters right :') it could get worse >:💜

@iloveyouxx 

My hands cramping cuz i wrote maths all day yesterday with only one break :p in hindsightthat was dumb xD

*glares at slowly retiring body* can u be slower? Maybe retire 60, 70yrs later xD

Im doing objective qs and theorems in my head rn...after that, better or not im writing. How else m i supposed to prep *maths* 👀

@unassumingEyes

😭eyes😭you’re *always* studying :') I can’t sit down in the same place and study for 15 minutes or id honestly just lose it :P maybe you’re the reason you’re body’s slowly retiring xD👵😛

nah it wanted to be special and retire before everyone else T^T xD

erm- what’s that :'D theorems ? T^T I’m not that smart if that’s actually a thing :PP🧠that noni thing made me lose braincells xD

can’t you use the notes app ? or anything similar :P or google some test/practice/example questions for your unit :0 just some suggestions if they’re possible :0💜

@iloveyouxx

theorems is a thing yes. Very sad xD

Do not determine ur intelligence on the basis of math. Everyone is dumb at some point in maths xD

Lazy body retiring early *grumbles*/jk

I zone out when studying a l o t except for maths. I cld do maths for days if it wasnt for my retiring body xD

(Legit what was i expecting when i hvnt even been eating right ofc my body is retiring 🤦‍♀️)

@unassumingEyes

ou it is xD?

dang it why’s that so true :') xD especially algebra T^T I ✨hate✨algebra T^T

what the fluff D: are you like magical D: I zone out so much in math- I zone out in math more than any other subject :P how do you study so much like other way T^T like yeah pressure and all ofc but even when I’m reallyreally pressured I have horrible attention span and can’t sit for 10 minutes and study T^T🩷/lh

D: yous haven’t been eating right >:💜? 

su first we realize that your granny hands are retiring from all the studying and now granny body is retiring cos of poor diet :')💙

why hasn’t eyesbuddy been looking after self >:💕?