In the Corner

Tw i just had two mild panic attacks in a row ❤️ one bcz i was trying a new food- and its so stupid but i was shaking :0

and two while praying. Cuz mom was already tense and then grandmother came in and asked mom to find her charger and i knew mom wld just get more stressed and up yelling at me :/ literally had tears that time- and it was only minutes after the first one- 

i finished praying quickly and found the charger. Mom’s still tense- ill prob get scolded for being awake- but idk. I had two panics man. I cld do with sm cups, even if it gets me in trouble. Im in trouble every day anyways-

I gtg sleep <3 she’s mad at my dad too now bruh :0 whatever. Gnnn ❤️

Hmmm. 

Thats how u know a rants coming up 

Tw-ish 

there are eerie similarities between mom, grandmother and sis

and me and my aunt

Basically mom’s the elder sister, like sis is my elder sister, and grandmother treats my aunt (the younger sis) similar to how mom treats me. This also leaves me rlly uncomfy around grandmother. And my sis so readily forgives mom, so easily blames me without reason and takes out her anger by yelling at me, that im afraid she’s following in their footsteps too

But thats not it

my aunt is literally living the life i want, its insane. She’s a teacher- but i wanted to be one since before she became one. She has a son and a daughter- which is literally what i wanted since before she got that. She eats slow as me. She’s made fun of as much as me. She is not a fan of her mother, my grandmother, and i am not a fan of my mother, and its so weird how what i want she has.

but it also gives me hope, cuz she had a mom like me and shes still here, happy

i hv a chance. And i see how everyone likes my aunt and think that’s where you got it from, and that’s your role model. Her, not mom 

But even i can say, the similarities are eerie-

history really repeating itself, huh?

This is gonna be a long one, so tw just incase

just a couple of thoughts strung together really:

I started reading the 7cups book today, but i didnt get past the welcome part. Why?

“ We’d ask you to let go of the past now and consider the start of this book an opportunity to make a fresh start moving forward. ”

That’s why.

A fresh start.

It got me thinking, and mom interrupted and said to come to the roof for sm sunlight with her. So i went up and walked and thought, what does a fresh start mean for me?

It was a difficult question.

i started with the easy parts- my two yr long fanfiction obssesion. Its just reading- except after i do it, im so zoned out i feel like a zombie going through my day. Sometimes i dont even remember what i did. Its not healthy, i recognise that.

A fresh start wld mean leaving, or trying to leave, that behind.

What else? I went on to a harder bit- studies. A fresh start would mean trying harder than I am right now, bcz honestly im not trying very hard. And thats because i dont hv motivation. So, there came the question: What can motivate me to study better? What do I really want to achieve? What is the reason behind this? Bcz rn, im only studying bcz mom is making me. I need motivation. I left this point for abit- it’ll take me time to find that motivation, that driving force, I moved on,

Mom. Can i leave behind my resentment towards her? Can i accept the fact that her love is an act, that my love for her has become an act, too? I dont know. Probably not. But shldnt I try?

I should, i realized. This resentment was another thing to leave behind. 

What else? Religion. Do i believe? No. Do i want to find the right religion? Yes. Do i actually pray? No, i pretend to for my mom. I dont even say the words. What do i need? 

A break. I needed a break- from pretending to pray, from reciting duas. From forcing the belief on me. I need to look, search, read the Quran and the Bible and the Torah and look at different sects and i realized this isnt a one month break- its an year, or two, or even three. But pretending to pray wasnt gonna get me in a paradise or anything, so why bother? Mom was a problem- a big one, but i decided to pray the one prayer daily that she watches me pray, and disappear to the bathrooms etc around the other times im supposed to be praying. Is it honest? No. Was pretending, going through all the motions of praying without saying or feeling a thung honest? No. So honesty wasnt really a problem. I needed a break, and anyways, once we’re out of my relatives house, i wont hv to hide in the bathroom etc. mom wont know whether or not i prayed in the big empty house. I cn take an honest break, and search. This was what i felt wld be my fresh start.

What about…holding my breath? The words were hard enough to type. I know i cnt stop. Im not ready to. But i can come to cups when i can get the urge- it helped once, it cn help again. Atleast then, even if i end up doing it, i can know i tried.

bathing…or freezing myself. Can I stop? Again, I dont know. Can I try? Maybe. I want to.

Why do I care about a fresh start? I dont, in a way. But cups has improved my life, and anyways, i feel lost. Planless. This is a plan. This is smth to try. This is smth to do. 

A fresh start. A new school. New frnds. New home. New country. There will be relapses, I know that.

But I can try.

and if this works, then whatever im anticipating, whatever it is, i can be more ready for it.

I never thought of a fresh start before. I never even imagined. 

Here we go, i guess. Here we go. 

@iloveyouxx hi 👋🏼 /nfta

@unassumingEyes 

_{me saw tcr :0 you oki lovely ?/nfta🤍}