In the Corner

@justmeeva love you too <3 tyt

*sits* 

@justmeeva

awwe okie, that’s okie, i hope the class goes okay buddy 💙 ttyl 💜 love you more friend 

Think im just gonna mess aroun in tcr. Be okay for a bit, maybe.

Pretend it's a choice for a bit

@unassumingEyes @LoveMyMoonflowers

i am back lovelies :0 💕

@justmeeva

*surprise hug attack for eva if okie* <3 

@LoveMyMoonflowers

*surprised* :0 

@justmeeva

:P *hugs* <3 

@LoveMyMoonflowers

*hugss* <3

@justmeeva

how is you friend? <3 

@LoveMyMoonflowers

me’s okay, wbu? (i has to do something for a little but i’ll be back as soon as i can <3)

@justmeeva

okie buddy <3 me glad your okay. ^-^ i’m idk lol, okay ish <3 doing hw right now. :’) 

eva has returned

@LoveMyMoonflowers @unassumingEyes @iloveyouxx

@justmeeva

*hugs evabuddybeanie if okie* yay! 🥺💜 

@LoveMyMoonflowers

*hugss* hi hi ni fren :D

@justmeeva

hi friend 💕 

@LoveMyMoonflowers

how’s it going with hw? :0

@justmeeva

i finished most of it :o 💙 hehe. 

@LoveMyMoonflowers

yippeee :0 *gives you a cookie as a reward* 🍪

@justmeeva

*noms the cookie* 🍪

@justmeeva yay :00 but my nets awful so goodnight <33 myt still respond to anything...slowly...

Also bruh my sis just wasted so much of our limited water 😦

I kinda want therapy but i know my mom wldnt pay so i gotta wait till im older but i dont think there’s a good therapist in this country anyway so I might go on to cups therapy but it’s got me feeling kinda weird cuz when it’s an online therapist i wont know what he/she even does or anything about them so thats :0 

sr is helpful (as well as this corner =D ) but it’s just teenies trynna help teenies, yeah? And we cnt rlly give advice most of the time. There’s sympathy and assurance but no solutions,, u know? Im not gonna leave on here (ever, i think) but a proper therapist wld be nice, too.

@iloveyouxx nadia frnd i hvnt seen you around much for a while. Hru? ❤️/nfta

Tw and also another rant bruh :00 

I mean, i shld probably do these in the private journal entry thing on cups but idk it’s lonely there lol

but yall dont hv to keep reading my rants 😭 i just need to get this stuff out

tw (mayb?)

I rlly rlly dont want to be like my mom

but like the fact of the matter is-

I have a short temper- if i think I or smone else is being wronged i lose it fast

Smtimes I yawn too similarly like her and stop mid way and pointedly refuse to make eye contact with her because no

my sis said i sounded like her once and i wanted to disappear

my friends say i look like her and i am very very insistent when i say i dont (i probably do)

when i get stressed i tend to zone out, and she does too. When she does it, it ruins the mood in the house bcz we know she’s going to get angry when she zones back in. I feel nervous everytime my friends zone out, even tho they dont get angry after, it’s just default nervousness. I try to stop myself from zoning out too. 

It’s nothing big. I know Im not her. But that doesnt mean im not scared of becoming her. I know most ppl dont seem to look into their future much, but tho i dont know what ill get, i know what I want. And I do want kids- more specifically a son, but i think daughters are a-m-a-z-i-n-g too. I think I want a son bcz the boys in my family hv it rough 🤷🏻‍♀️ or maybe its smth else. anyways, i dont want kids if im going to be like her. Because she’s not abusive, she only hit me like once, but

but

yeah. Hmmm

@unassumingEyes

just the fact that your thinking about it <3 the fact that you have empathy and your mindful and your thinking about not being like her ensures that you won’t <3 it shows that your already vv caring. <3 i don’t think you’ll be like her :') you are you. <3 *hugs if okie* 

i’m sorry if i’m invading your space or made you feel worse friend :') if that’s what happened, we can just get this specific post of mine flagged and nommed <3 

I hv not been very nice to the mods on here 😬 it’s not that i dont hv respect for them, I really, really do. And i get why the rules are there too- ive seen the wisdom behind them. But when a mod tries to enforce a rule, for some stupid reason, the first thing i do is question it. Get defensive. Ask why when I know why. Im not rude but Im not easy and idk why i do that. I dont want to, rlly. Mods hv enough trouble without me getting all defensive. Sr and tcr has enough trouble without me getting defensive rn. But i just…flare up . And the mod always has an answer to my qs, and i cnt argue with the answer, so i say ok and feel so dumb for messing around in the first place.

what am i doing

Tw i just had two mild panic attacks in a row ❤️ one bcz i was trying a new food- and its so stupid but i was shaking :0

and two while praying. Cuz mom was already tense and then grandmother came in and asked mom to find her charger and i knew mom wld just get more stressed and up yelling at me :/ literally had tears that time- and it was only minutes after the first one- 

i finished praying quickly and found the charger. Mom’s still tense- ill prob get scolded for being awake- but idk. I had two panics man. I cld do with sm cups, even if it gets me in trouble. Im in trouble every day anyways-

@unassumingEyes dad called :0 even countries away he manages to come right when moms tension gets too high he literally saved me 😭

@unassumingEyes

awwe 🥺💕

@unassumingEyes hmm i got 2 hearts but one notification :0 love whoever all is hearting- <3. Srsly…i dont think i cld face being entirely alone rn so thank u for dropping by <33

@unassumingEyes

hehe sometimes when the same post is upvoted twice one of the upvote notifications gets nommed 🤧

so only the most recent upvote is shown in the notification bell thingy 

@LoveMyMoonflowers 7cups is nomming too much love :0 it wont even let me heart u rn :( here ❤️❤️❤️ (for three unhearted posts)

@unassumingEyes

awwe 🥺💕 naughty 7cups! smh 🤧 lol 

I gtg sleep <3 she’s mad at my dad too now bruh :0 whatever. Gnnn ❤️

@unassumingEyes

awwe :’) take care eyes buddy <3 sleep well friend. ttyl <3 

@LoveMyMoonflowers u too ❤️

@unassumingEyes

thank you friend 💙

Hmmm. 

Thats how u know a rants coming up 

Tw-ish 

there are eerie similarities between mom, grandmother and sis

and me and my aunt

Basically mom’s the elder sister, like sis is my elder sister, and grandmother treats my aunt (the younger sis) similar to how mom treats me. This also leaves me rlly uncomfy around grandmother. And my sis so readily forgives mom, so easily blames me without reason and takes out her anger by yelling at me, that im afraid she’s following in their footsteps too

But thats not it

my aunt is literally living the life i want, its insane. She’s a teacher- but i wanted to be one since before she became one. She has a son and a daughter- which is literally what i wanted since before she got that. She eats slow as me. She’s made fun of as much as me. She is not a fan of her mother, my grandmother, and i am not a fan of my mother, and its so weird how what i want she has.

but it also gives me hope, cuz she had a mom like me and shes still here, happy

i hv a chance. And i see how everyone likes my aunt and think that’s where you got it from, and that’s your role model. Her, not mom 

But even i can say, the similarities are eerie-

history really repeating itself, huh?

This is gonna be a long one, so tw just incase

just a couple of thoughts strung together really:

I started reading the 7cups book today, but i didnt get past the welcome part. Why?

“ We’d ask you to let go of the past now and consider the start of this book an opportunity to make a fresh start moving forward. ”

That’s why.

A fresh start.

It got me thinking, and mom interrupted and said to come to the roof for sm sunlight with her. So i went up and walked and thought, what does a fresh start mean for me?

It was a difficult question.

i started with the easy parts- my two yr long fanfiction obssesion. Its just reading- except after i do it, im so zoned out i feel like a zombie going through my day. Sometimes i dont even remember what i did. Its not healthy, i recognise that.

A fresh start wld mean leaving, or trying to leave, that behind.

What else? I went on to a harder bit- studies. A fresh start would mean trying harder than I am right now, bcz honestly im not trying very hard. And thats because i dont hv motivation. So, there came the question: What can motivate me to study better? What do I really want to achieve? What is the reason behind this? Bcz rn, im only studying bcz mom is making me. I need motivation. I left this point for abit- it’ll take me time to find that motivation, that driving force, I moved on,

Mom. Can i leave behind my resentment towards her? Can i accept the fact that her love is an act, that my love for her has become an act, too? I dont know. Probably not. But shldnt I try?

I should, i realized. This resentment was another thing to leave behind. 

What else? Religion. Do i believe? No. Do i want to find the right religion? Yes. Do i actually pray? No, i pretend to for my mom. I dont even say the words. What do i need? 

A break. I needed a break- from pretending to pray, from reciting duas. From forcing the belief on me. I need to look, search, read the Quran and the Bible and the Torah and look at different sects and i realized this isnt a one month break- its an year, or two, or even three. But pretending to pray wasnt gonna get me in a paradise or anything, so why bother? Mom was a problem- a big one, but i decided to pray the one prayer daily that she watches me pray, and disappear to the bathrooms etc around the other times im supposed to be praying. Is it honest? No. Was pretending, going through all the motions of praying without saying or feeling a thung honest? No. So honesty wasnt really a problem. I needed a break, and anyways, once we’re out of my relatives house, i wont hv to hide in the bathroom etc. mom wont know whether or not i prayed in the big empty house. I cn take an honest break, and search. This was what i felt wld be my fresh start.

What about…holding my breath? The words were hard enough to type. I know i cnt stop. Im not ready to. But i can come to cups when i can get the urge- it helped once, it cn help again. Atleast then, even if i end up doing it, i can know i tried.

bathing…or freezing myself. Can I stop? Again, I dont know. Can I try? Maybe. I want to.

Why do I care about a fresh start? I dont, in a way. But cups has improved my life, and anyways, i feel lost. Planless. This is a plan. This is smth to try. This is smth to do. 

A fresh start. A new school. New frnds. New home. New country. There will be relapses, I know that.

But I can try.

and if this works, then whatever im anticipating, whatever it is, i can be more ready for it.

I never thought of a fresh start before. I never even imagined. 

Here we go, i guess. Here we go.