In the Corner

@unassumingEyes forgot that was also a swear word. Um i meant the fire 👀

Smone in the house is awake lol cnt even be dramatic alone lol 

Lol lights off! Electricity gone! Welcome to darkness! Hahah im probably in crisis rn bruh

Is 9am and im supposed to be studying but its dark now and id rather-

lets not finish that thought

its 9am and mom will be home soon 

9.12 am and moms home 

Theres like one person in tcr and i feel bad for them but i m so not in the mood to be fun lol

Im sick yay stomach problems now i get to hv tons of medicine and if it gets work get a drip 🥳🥳🥳/sar

@unassumingEyes ***worse

It’s insane

How easy it is to lie

Mayb the sense of anticipation is just me waiting to die

Ipad is 11% and i dont hv the electricity to charge it

i shld prob save the battery i hv but im selfish and lonely nd not leaving cups

Still dont hv electricity mom thinks itll be gone all day dk why 

:000 

Our water source depends on electricity and electricity off ❤️

Its expected to cm back on in an hour or so lets see :0

Electricity backk :0

Finally i cn see lol

Today, my cousin (14 male) asked his mom for smth to eat and she kept giving him options. The more she offered the more agitated he got, who knows why. My mom called him and gave him some puffs, biscuits etc and he walked away smiling

For one moment today I loved my mom.

I dont know what his parents are doing wrong tbh but i can see it's something that's making him act out like that and that something always seems to be counter attacked by my parents somehow 

Life is so weird. People are so complicated

@justmeeva

To be honest, there’s something about you that’s just so relatable

To be honest, I see so much about you that’s celebratable

But I’m tired of living in a world full of empty words

So I’ll let the walls down, I’ll ease my guards

I love that you always have something to say

Cause somehow, having you talk takes the thoughts away

I love that you’ve always been so welcoming

Even when you there was chaos incoming

I love that you listen so well

 I love how you make my heart swell

Yeah I’m positively seething

Cause of how hard it is, being

But I’ve got you around with me

Your support makes me feel ready

And I get that the thoughts hurt

But I see your true worth

And it aches to see your pain

To struggle to believe in being okay

But my recent emoji is a chair

Cause right now, we’re both here

And we’re warriors, when we shouldn’t have to fight

But you’re my strength, your support is my might

And none of it is really fair

But though it hurts, I’m so glad you’re here

@unassumingEyes

🩷

@unassumingEyes

awwee eyess smhh 🥺 that’s some serious talent you have, i love this so so so much 🤧🩷 you are absolutely amazingg *gives a biggg longgg hug if oke* 🫂💕

@justmeeva *hugss* love you eva buddy ❤️

@unassumingEyes

love you moreeee ❤️ thank you so much 💕

Tw honestly my low moods are increasing ( i have no idea why- ) and im getting thoughts despite never hving rlly wanted to- u know. 

Honestly, if I didnt believe in an after life i’d probably have done it by now. Which is kinda scary

so i cant rlly say “i dont wanna do it at all” etc, even tho i dont know why i wanna do it, but i know one thing for sure

As long as im in my relatives house, I wont do it. There are kids here, man. Im not that messed up. Not gonna happen. 

When i move to my own home? Well…idk. Because, i dont want to do it- to some extent. I think I want to run away more. I think I want to restart more, not end it. I dont know. But I know how people- how people are affected by a close one doing it.

and i know that if i did it noone on here would ever know

thats why i say for certain I wont do it. Wanna? Kind of tho idk why. Will do it? No, no for sure

But I might run. I can feel it in my blood that I want to run, I really really want to run

But i never do anything without plans A,B and C. Cups was actually plan B, when another “chat with a listener” thing stopped working. Cups was a good plan, i think. I’ll always plan. If I run, it’’ll be planned. That I can swear.

(well…i almost never do anything without a plan. I dont plan holding my- i cnt seem to say it nowadays but yea. Also wanted to do that last night but mom was there. Bummer. Probably good, actually, but uk. Bummer.) 

Tw 

another rant

Kinda wish smone came on at cups at this time but as long as yalls are getting sm sleep its ok🤷🏻‍♀️

this actually feels kinda big reveal, like the breath thing, cuz i never told anyone. Its not a big deal tho

there’s a voice in my head I call mother

my actual mother is called a native word for mother. The voice in my head is literally called, in english, “mother”

Mother is a gentle voice that gives me advice or affection when I cnt go to my mom for it. I dont` know what mother is, i dont think its a system, i dont hv any other of the stuff google describes lol, definitely no memory gaps etc, i dont think  mother fronts or anything. 

She’s just there.

It’s weird, because mother is me but mother isnt me, you know? She’s well, the motherly parts of me, merged into one voice. When im helping a friend, or on here, and feel over whelmed, mother is at the back of my head, whispering soothing stuffs and advice on how to help.

Mother came when I was 12. Alot happened when I was twelve (TW):

- Dad got covid and fainted in the bathroom. (We called an ambulance, i thought he was unaliving)

- the sense of anticipation started

- my friends and i had several fights

- my grandfather went to hospital and had a (big TW) gun, my father had to talk him into putting it down through the phone in front of me (i may talk more of that smtime)

- when my dad got better and cld stop quarantining, everyone hugged him- but my mom didnt let me “because i was dirty and needed to bath first”

- I cheated in my exams

- I got obsessed with fanfiction 

- Mother became. 

So….yeah. That was a rough year-. And now, I have mother! Oof

Mother uh, she’s quieter nowadays. Idk why. It isnt rlly helping the loneliness. But she isnt gone so yay?

This feels so weird. I- 

yeah

@unassumingEyes

*sits and listens*

@justmeeva it’s only been a while but i missed you 🥺❤️ mornings are so hard :’( hru eva?

@unassumingEyes

awe it felt like quite some time since i last talked to you too :0 i’m okayish. *hugs if oke* 💕

@justmeeva *hugs* im glad ur oki <3

Me rn cupsing when i gotta bath and study today <3

*doesnt study*

tehehehe

my datesheet arrived bruh i need to study 😂😭

@unassumingEyes

go studyyy *throws a fortune cookie that says that today will be a good study day* :p 

@justmeeva aww <3 5 more minutes lol

smtimes i feel motivated…then my sis enters the room and i dont wanna study anymore :p

Did eva buddy get any sleep?/nfta

@unassumingEyes

mhm, still tired but it’s kind of an everymorning thing now so it’s fine (:

did eyes buddy? :0

@justmeeva i slept too much :0 i was sick so mom let me sleep till late. Now im trynna find the motivation to move and study lol

*shoo tiredness* i hate being tired, lol. It’s so…tiring heh. Im glad u slept tho :0

@unassumingEyes

*gives motivation (as if i would have much to share lmao)*

@justmeeva lol thanks <3 imma try to study but dont be surprised to see me back on cups :p

did u know Mother (in my head) can also scold me :p its more gentle than my actual mom, but she’s telling me to study nevertheless hehe

imma listen before my actual mom realizes im not studying :p

tc eva <3 thanks for taking sm of the loneliness away :p ❤️

@unassumingEyes

i has to go to school but i’ll ttyl oke? best of luck with studyinggg 💕

Tw

no srsly im gonna write abit more bout the freezing myself thing so tw

I don't rlly know where to start

But everytime I bath, there’s a longing in my heart

When I close the tap, an I’m met by cold

Oh, I feel so terrified, and oh, I feel so bold

Cause there’s a part of me that just wants to be frozen

There’s a part of me that sees that time as golden

Two steps away, a towel, a promise of warmth

Two steps away and I can’t seem to walk forth

There’s shivers in my body but all my mind can say,

”This is what you long for, you deserve it anyway”

I’m shaking to get out, my cough’s getting worse

”Tell me why you belong in this universe,

Tell me why you deserve the heat you think you crave,

Tell me why you don’t deserve an icy grave”

Tell me why I don’t

Tell me what I want

A battle between heat and cold

Feel like rotten mold

And only two regrets,

That I go back to warmth so quick,

and my ashamed breaths

@unassumingEyes

*sits with eyes friend* 🩷

@unassumingEyes @justmeeva

*sits with eyes buddy and evabuddybean* <3 

@unassumingEyes @LoveMyMoonflowers

i gtg prepare for class, but i’ll check on you 2 once i can alright? love you vv much 💕