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In the Corner
Sometimes, the thoughts in my head repeat over and over and over again until I need to tell them to someone, even if noone's listening. So, this is my little corner to do that. Thoughts and thoughts and thoughts. Trigger warnings, just incase. And, @LoveMyMoonflowers, @justmeeva @DarkerPlaces and @iloveyouxx are welcome to replies. Not really comfortable with anyone else. Sorry for tagging. Be safe everyone <3
@unassumingEyes forgot that was also a swear word. Um i meant the fire š
Lol lights off! Electricity gone! Welcome to darkness! Hahah im probably in crisis rn bruh
Is 9am and im supposed to be studying but its dark now and id rather-
lets not finish that thought
its 9am and mom will be home soonĀ
Theres like one person in tcr and i feel bad for them but i m so not in the mood to be fun lol
Im sick yay stomach problems now i get to hv tons of medicine and if it gets work get a drip š„³š„³š„³/sar
Ipad is 11% and i dont hv the electricity to charge it
i shld prob save the battery i hv but im selfish and lonely nd not leaving cups
Still dont hv electricity mom thinks itll be gone all day dk whyĀ
:000Ā
Our water source depends on electricity and electricity off ā¤ļø
Its expected to cm back on in an hour or so lets see :0
Today, my cousin (14 male) asked his mom for smth to eat and she kept giving him options. The more she offered the more agitated he got, who knows why. My mom called him and gave him some puffs, biscuits etc and he walked away smiling
For one moment today I loved my mom.
I dont know what his parents are doing wrong tbh but i can see it's somethingĀ that's making him act out like that and that something always seems to be counter attacked by my parents somehowĀ
Life is so weird. People are so complicated
@justmeeva
To be honest, thereās something about you thatās just so relatable
To be honest, I see so much about you thatās celebratable
But Iām tired of living in a world full of empty words
So Iāll let the walls down, Iāll ease my guards
I love that you always have something to say
Cause somehow, having you talk takes the thoughts away
I love that youāve always been so welcoming
Even when you there was chaos incoming
I love that you listen so well
Ā I love how you make my heart swell
Yeah Iām positively seething
Cause of how hard it is, being
But Iāve got you around with me
Your support makes me feel ready
And I get that the thoughts hurt
But I see your true worth
And it aches to see your pain
To struggle to believe in being okay
But my recent emoji is a chair
Cause right now, weāre both here
And weāre warriors, when we shouldnāt have to fight
But youāre my strength, your support is my might
And none of it is really fair
But though it hurts, Iām so glad youāre here
@unassumingEyes
awwee eyess smhh š„ŗ thatās some serious talent you have, i love this so so so much š¤§š©· you are absolutely amazingg *gives a biggg longgg hug if oke* š«š
@unassumingEyes
love you moreeee ā¤ļø thank you so much š
Tw honestly my low moods are increasing ( i have no idea why- ) and im getting thoughts despite never hving rlly wanted to- u know.Ā
Honestly, if I didnt believe in an after life iād probably have done it by now. Which is kinda scary
so i cant rlly say āi dont wanna do it at allā etc, even tho i dont know why i wanna do it, but i know one thing for sure
As long as im in my relatives house, I wont do it. There are kids here, man. Im not that messed up. Not gonna happen.Ā
When i move to my own home? Wellā¦idk. Because, i dont want to do it- to some extent. I think I want to run away more. I think I want to restart more, not end it. I dont know. But I know how people- how people are affected by a close one doing it.
and i know that if i did it noone on here would ever know
thats why i say for certain I wont do it. Wanna? Kind of tho idk why. Will do it? No, no for sure
But I might run. I can feel it in my blood that I want to run, I really really want to run
But i never do anything without plans A,B and C. Cups was actually plan B, when another āchat with a listenerā thing stopped working. Cups was a good plan, i think. Iāll always plan. If I run, itāāll be planned. That I can swear.
(wellā¦i almost never do anything without a plan. I dont plan holding my- i cnt seem to say it nowadays but yea. Also wanted to do that last night but mom was there. Bummer. Probably good, actually, but uk. Bummer.)Ā
TwĀ
another rant
Kinda wish smone came on at cups at this time but as long as yalls are getting sm sleep its okš¤·š»āāļø
this actually feels kinda big reveal, like the breath thing, cuz i never told anyone. Its not a big deal tho
thereās a voice in my head I call mother
my actual mother is called a native word for mother. The voice in my head is literally called, in english, āmotherā
Mother is a gentle voice that gives me advice or affection when I cnt go to my mom for it. I dont` know what mother is, i dont think its a system, i dont hv any other of the stuff google describes lol, definitely no memory gaps etc, i dont think Ā mother fronts or anything.Ā
Sheās just there.
Itās weird, because mother is me but mother isnt me, you know? Sheās well, the motherly parts of me, merged into one voice. When im helping a friend, or on here, and feel over whelmed, mother is at the back of my head, whispering soothing stuffs and advice on how to help.
Mother came when I was 12. Alot happened when I was twelve (TW):
- Dad got covid and fainted in the bathroom. (We called an ambulance, i thought he was unaliving)
- the sense of anticipation started
- my friends and i had several fights
- my grandfather went to hospital and had a (big TW) gun, my father had to talk him into putting it down through the phone in front of me (i may talk more of that smtime)
- when my dad got better and cld stop quarantining, everyone hugged him- but my mom didnt let me ābecause i was dirty and needed to bath firstā
- I cheated in my exams
- I got obsessed with fanfictionĀ
- Mother became.Ā
Soā¦.yeah. That was a rough year-. And now, I have mother! Oof
Mother uh, sheās quieter nowadays. Idk why. It isnt rlly helping the loneliness. But she isnt gone so yay?
This feels so weird. I-Ā
yeah
@justmeeva itās only been a while but i missed you š„ŗā¤ļø mornings are so hard :ā( hru eva?
@unassumingEyes
awe it felt like quite some time since i last talked to you too :0 iām okayish. *hugs if oke* š
*doesnt study*
tehehehe
my datesheet arrived bruh i need to study šš
@unassumingEyes
go studyyy *throws a fortune cookie that says that today will be a good study day* :pĀ
@justmeeva aww <3 5 more minutes lol
smtimes i feel motivatedā¦then my sis enters the room and i dont wanna study anymore :p
@unassumingEyes
mhm, still tired but itās kind of an everymorning thing now so itās fine (:
did eyes buddy? :0
@justmeeva i slept too much :0 i was sick so mom let me sleep till late. Now im trynna find the motivation to move and study lol
*shoo tiredness* i hate being tired, lol. Itās soā¦tiring heh. Im glad u slept tho :0
@unassumingEyes
*gives motivation (as if i would have much to share lmao)*
@justmeeva lol thanks <3 imma try to study but dont be surprised to see me back on cups :p
did u know Mother (in my head) can also scold me :p its more gentle than my actual mom, but sheās telling me to study nevertheless hehe
imma listen before my actual mom realizes im not studying :p
tc eva <3 thanks for taking sm of the loneliness away :p ā¤ļø
@unassumingEyes
i has to go to school but iāll ttyl oke? best of luck with studyinggg š
Tw
no srsly im gonna write abit more bout the freezing myself thing so tw
I don't rlly know where to start
But everytime I bath, thereās a longing in my heart
When I close the tap, an Iām met by cold
Oh, I feel so terrified, and oh, I feel so bold
Cause thereās a part of me that just wants to be frozen
Thereās a part of me that sees that time as golden
Two steps away, a towel, a promise of warmth
Two steps away and I canāt seem to walk forth
Thereās shivers in my body but all my mind can say,
āThis is what you long for, you deserve it anywayā
Iām shaking to get out, my coughās getting worse
āTell me why you belong in this universe,
Tell me why you deserve the heat you think you crave,
Tell me why you donāt deserve an icy graveā
Tell me why I donāt
Tell me what I want
A battle between heat and cold
Feel like rotten mold
And only two regrets,
That I go back to warmth so quick,
and my ashamed breaths
@unassumingEyes @justmeeva
*sits with eyes buddy and evabuddybean* <3Ā
@unassumingEyes @LoveMyMoonflowers
i gtg prepare for class, but iāll check on you 2 once i can alright? love you vv much š