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In The Gloaming TW *just in case*

mytwistedsoul November 7th, 2019

With the tragic loss of the feed and after much debate and discussion. It's been decided to create a new thread. Soul space so to speak. A journal of sorts.

A place where I can dump some of the nonsense that goes on in my head.

While replies are welcome - they aren't necessary.

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mytwistedsoul OP November 11th, 2020

Just a soul cleverly disguised as a wrecked human

mytwistedsoul OP November 13th, 2020

*shrugs*

1 reply
barncat December 13th, 2020

@mytwistedsoul- gosh, my neighbor and I were remembering our big hopes for 2020. Somehow we managed to laugh about the irony of this being the most gawd awful year in many way. Now I can't remember what was funny- yikes. Dark humor.

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mytwistedsoul OP November 20th, 2020

Nothing like a little static
To add to the fear
Hear the stirring of the creatures
In the atmosphere
Second guessing all the voices
That you think you hear
I'm starting to wonder why
The energy is so dark in here

2 replies
calmLake1999 November 20th, 2020

@mytwistedsoul

*sitting with you*

1 reply
mytwistedsoul OP November 20th, 2020

@calmLake1999 Thank you

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mytwistedsoul OP November 24th, 2020

LOL - kind of shows what you do when the boxes are all ready too full :)

5 replies
ThePizza November 24th, 2020

@mytwistedsoul

We can get it in all the way eventually right?? 🙃 Need that undetectable extension charm Hermione used on her bag

4 replies
ThePizza November 24th, 2020

Also I love your profile pic :))

mytwistedsoul OP November 24th, 2020

@ThePizza That charm would come in so handy wouldn't it? Maybe my closet wouldn't be such a mess

I like your picture too M 🙂 otters are so awesome!

mytwistedsoul OP November 24th, 2020

@ThePizza Ive been tempted to do this with the washing machine too lol!

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mytwistedsoul OP November 25th, 2020

Have to make a call that we've been dreading. It's time to say goodbye to our beautiful furry friend.

2 replies
calmLake1999 November 25th, 2020

@mytwistedsoul

Oh I'm so sorry soul, thinking of you

PerfectStorm426 November 25th, 2020

@mytwistedsoul i am with u as well Twist. Thinkin of u my friend.

hillsideblues November 25th, 2020

@mytwistedsoul ❤️❤️❤️❤️

crimsonLime6525 November 25th, 2020

@mytwistedsoul sending you big hugs, you are in my thoughts

redmark November 25th, 2020

@mytwistedsoul *offering safe hugs*

I am sorry, I know it is really tough to go through that. We are here for you if there is anything we may be able to help with. heart

ThePizza November 26th, 2020

@mytwistedsoul

I'm so sorry :( thinking of all of you and sitting with you 💙💙💙

Mango3 November 27th, 2020

@mytwistedsoul I'm so sorry to hear this.... I know what it feels like to make that call. Thinking of you in this difficult time

barncat December 13th, 2020

@mytwistedsoul- just read this post. Sending you hearfelt condolences on your loss- makes me tear up thinking someone else is going through furbaby loss. Big hugs.

1 reply
mytwistedsoul OP December 14th, 2020

@barncat Thank you

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mytwistedsoul OP December 2nd, 2020

Just an open thank you to everyone for your thoughts and hugs

I greatly appreciate each and everyone of you

Thank you

mytwistedsoul OP December 2nd, 2020

For all my good intentions - alot of what I touch turns to sh*t. So I guess maybe I should have known nothing about last week would be easy

The vet couldn't get her in - this stupid virus - and of course my state is one of the ones with a tyrant for a governor. So our lockdown is more of a pain in the a** then others. When we first found out about the cancer - we were told there was two options - outside in a peaceful setting *yes please* or inside. Unfortunately - they stopped the outside one and the inside - we couldn't go in with her. Seems wrong doesn't it? Just drop your dog off to be put to sleep but say your good byes in the parking lot - but they couldn't get her in anyway - the hours had been dropped back again and they had some in house virus issues

Debates raged - there were two other options - the pet emergency or in home. A clinical setting or home. The in home had been looked into in the beginning but the horror stories they were telling made it seem like a bad idea. The in home place was actually referred to by the vet - but still the debate raged. Why does everything have to be so complicated?

Finally - late wednesday afternoon a call was made to the in home place. They had a recording that due to higher then normal calls it would be alittl before someone could take the call - so I left a message. Less then two hours later a very soft spoken woman called back and while they couldn't get someone out that day - they could have someone there in the morning. So we kept her comfortable - she had plenty of lala pills - so hopefully she wasn't in any pain - god I worry about that - that she was suffering silently and that it was our fault because of it

So - ya know - it's funny - they say about if the holidays suck to make new memories and make it better. Our new memory is having our friend put to sleep on Thanksgiving - not likely to forget this anniversary anytime soon

Taz - our other furry friend spent the first few days whining and looking throughout the house for Kodie - coming up and whining and looking at me as if I was hiding her somewhere or knew where she was hiding and it broke my heart - so Sunday morning we thought maybe getting out and away from the house would be good for everyone - so we got things together and grabbed a tent and went camping - only to have it snow and get freaking cold out - guess I should have checked the weather before hand - once again shows my five star planning

The house is quieter - emptier and I've caught myself thinking I still see her on her bed out of the corner of my eye. I miss hearing her talk

I'm glad we had the extra time with her - the vet said a month but we got an extra month and a half and I am grateful for the time - but I think it lulled us into a false sense of - Idk - I'm not sure if it can be called hope - just maybe some sense of that it would turn out differently - I'm not sure how tbh - Maybe it was just denial - we were grieving before and had depression - add to it the SAD on top of the grieving and the depression - Man I am rocking the black clothes - black soul thing. Alot of numbness - except for anger - at myself and the others. Any motivation has been buried in the back yard and I'm quite content to lay on the floor and stare at the ceiling fan - no raquetballs required - just me and Tazzer and I don't think either one of us really understands the why's of any of this but I do seriously wonder if I am cursed or paying for something - yeah yeah - dramatic - spend sometime in my head ;)

Unfortunately -

3 replies
mytwistedsoul OP December 2nd, 2020

@mytwistedsoul Unfortunately lol - my train of thought derailed *smh*

2 replies
hillsideblues December 6th, 2020

@mytwistedsoul You and your pet companions have been in my thoughts. I hope you are doing ok ❤️

1 reply
mytwistedsoul OP December 7th, 2020

@hillsideblues Thank you - I've just been falling back on old bad habits and letting the insecurities get the best of me. I hope you're doing ok too

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mytwistedsoul OP December 7th, 2020
mytwistedsoul OP December 8th, 2020

Had a dentist appointment today - finally. Should have had one in April - but covid. Had just started heading home when I got a call from the vets. Her ashes were ready to be picked up. They're in a beautiful plain cherry box urn. So we picked her up and brought her home. It was allmost as hard and I'm feeling - Idk - just a swirl of different emotions I guess - but kind of leaning more towards numb - but Idk - maybe not

mytwistedsoul OP December 9th, 2020

Really tired of not being able to sleep