In The Gloaming TW *just in case*

Just a soul cleverly disguised as a wrecked human

*shrugs*

Nothing like a little static
To add to the fear
Hear the stirring of the creatures
In the atmosphere
Second guessing all the voices
That you think you hear
I'm starting to wonder why
The energy is so dark in here

LOL - kind of shows what you do when the boxes are all ready too full :)

Have to make a call that we've been dreading. It's time to say goodbye to our beautiful furry friend.

Just an open thank you to everyone for your thoughts and hugs

I greatly appreciate each and everyone of you

Thank you

For all my good intentions - alot of what I touch turns to sh*t. So I guess maybe I should have known nothing about last week would be easy

The vet couldn't get her in - this stupid virus - and of course my state is one of the ones with a tyrant for a governor. So our lockdown is more of a pain in the a** then others. When we first found out about the cancer - we were told there was two options - outside in a peaceful setting *yes please* or inside. Unfortunately - they stopped the outside one and the inside - we couldn't go in with her. Seems wrong doesn't it? Just drop your dog off to be put to sleep but say your good byes in the parking lot - but they couldn't get her in anyway - the hours had been dropped back again and they had some in house virus issues

Debates raged - there were two other options - the pet emergency or in home. A clinical setting or home. The in home had been looked into in the beginning but the horror stories they were telling made it seem like a bad idea. The in home place was actually referred to by the vet - but still the debate raged. Why does everything have to be so complicated?

Finally - late wednesday afternoon a call was made to the in home place. They had a recording that due to higher then normal calls it would be alittl before someone could take the call - so I left a message. Less then two hours later a very soft spoken woman called back and while they couldn't get someone out that day - they could have someone there in the morning. So we kept her comfortable - she had plenty of lala pills - so hopefully she wasn't in any pain - god I worry about that - that she was suffering silently and that it was our fault because of it

So - ya know - it's funny - they say about if the holidays suck to make new memories and make it better. Our new memory is having our friend put to sleep on Thanksgiving - not likely to forget this anniversary anytime soon

Taz - our other furry friend spent the first few days whining and looking throughout the house for Kodie - coming up and whining and looking at me as if I was hiding her somewhere or knew where she was hiding and it broke my heart - so Sunday morning we thought maybe getting out and away from the house would be good for everyone - so we got things together and grabbed a tent and went camping - only to have it snow and get freaking cold out - guess I should have checked the weather before hand - once again shows my five star planning

The house is quieter - emptier and I've caught myself thinking I still see her on her bed out of the corner of my eye. I miss hearing her talk

I'm glad we had the extra time with her - the vet said a month but we got an extra month and a half and I am grateful for the time - but I think it lulled us into a false sense of - Idk - I'm not sure if it can be called hope - just maybe some sense of that it would turn out differently - I'm not sure how tbh - Maybe it was just denial - we were grieving before and had depression - add to it the SAD on top of the grieving and the depression - Man I am rocking the black clothes - black soul thing. Alot of numbness - except for anger - at myself and the others. Any motivation has been buried in the back yard and I'm quite content to lay on the floor and stare at the ceiling fan - no raquetballs required - just me and Tazzer and I don't think either one of us really understands the why's of any of this but I do seriously wonder if I am cursed or paying for something - yeah yeah - dramatic - spend sometime in my head ;)

Unfortunately -

Tunes

Wage War - Prison
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UNQayAqEgak

Volbeat - Die To Live
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wBZi7JIdSps

Written By Wolves - Explode
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4VLx9Xf8oxE

Written By Wolves - Apathy
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pu00QUZTWmg

Volbeat - Leviathon
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=irElLp4eG7I

Volbeat - Sorry Sack of Bones
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QgD8bUisGP0

Had a dentist appointment today - finally. Should have had one in April - but covid. Had just started heading home when I got a call from the vets. Her ashes were ready to be picked up. They're in a beautiful plain cherry box urn. So we picked her up and brought her home. It was allmost as hard and I'm feeling - Idk - just a swirl of different emotions I guess - but kind of leaning more towards numb - but Idk - maybe not

Really tired of not being able to sleep