In The Gloaming TW *just in case*
With the tragic loss of the feed and after much debate and discussion. It's been decided to create a new thread. Soul space so to speak. A journal of sorts.
A place where I can dump some of the nonsense that goes on in my head.
While replies are welcome - they aren't necessary.
On my mind -
Idk - everything and nothing
Kind of depressed - but probably just mostly sad - I think - but there's some anxious under tones
Short on words - long on thoughts but they're quick movers and only let me catch a glimpse of them before they slip through my fingers and wriggle away
Migraine coming - knew it was
Been kind of stressed this week and I'm sort of feeling like an idiot writing about it here. Idk - might just be having a moment. Maybe it's just a rattitude
Could be tired - I'd love to get a full nights sleep
Idk think maybe a walk first - try to slow this down
Sound has been an issue today. All sounds - the tick of dog nails on the floors - dropped things. Doesn't matter what it is
Anxiety has been really high today
Some intrusive thoughts
Sometimes my darkness can be alittle scary
I'm tired of overthinking everything. I think maybe I know why I'm on guard - some of it anyway. No it doesn't have to do with anyone here that I talk to. On the site - yeah but no one that's ever been here. To ease anyone anxieties - ok? Just little things I pick up along the way - evidence to add to what evidence I all ready have. Idk - could just be coincidence. Idk
I have some littles questioning -
And I'm looking too deep because I feel defensive - maybe. Like I have a Freaking clue. Let me analyze myself - that should be fun
Type delete -
D@mn
Restless
Stupid skeleton feels like it needs more space
Stomach ache
God J is there anything else you need to complain about?
What about the giant? What about - the million other stupid questions?
What if - why did - how come - now what?
Idk - I think I might be really Angry I'm not really sure. I think I should know this answer
Just some random venting -
Haven't been in the best headspace. Anxiety has been super high not allways though - sometimes the depression gives a nice break from it
Thinking is really f**ked up lately. Words have been an issue - which leads to the f**ked up thinking. How can I explain anything - if I don't have the words to do it? Idk - maybe I need to just disconnect alittle and see what words come - yet the slightest whisper says none of it matters. Keep it to yourself J -
I take blame pretty easy - doesn't matter what it's for or what it's about. Just say hey yeah - J did it - I'm ok with it. What's the point in fighting about it anyway - it never did any good before and she was allways better with explaining why it was - way better then our trying to explain the wasn't. Plate broken - me - something missing - me - Hurricane - probably me
She has been at me all weekend - the image that comes to mind is - well - like painting yourself into a corner. And I have no way out. Just a trapped rattie.
I'm very insecure and unsure right now. I allways worry about saying the wrong things - hurting someone. But what if it isn't the words - but me. Because it came from me - and me being me - has tainted them. Idk - that makes no sense. It's just where my thinking is. Sh*t - I'm even anxious writing this - I sometimes wonder about the anxiety - if it's something to measure by what I see as truth by -
Idk - another thought is that - I ruin things for other people - here especially. Could be that I said something wrong or right - doesn't really matter tbh. Like the ant that shows up at your picnic - I probably have a purpose - but it's just not a very good one. It's just not the first time - ya know? Once - ok - two times - we see it's a pattern allready and it sets it in concrete - I know - sort of - that it might not be the case but she feeds it - so I'm kind of afraid to go on other threads now - awesome
I'm hurting - there I said it. I feel bad about saying it - why? Because it seems like I'm seeking attention - looking for validation. You don't look for attention - you don't look for help. She helps convince me of this - because we don't need anyone J - noone understands or cares - you need to get it through your thick head. I know we isolate alot - we can isolate like f*cking champs
I don't know whats right - because out of everything - nothing feels right. Idk - some of it seems so childish and it bothers me because I'm not a child - but I have child parts and sometimes things effect them - so we get guarded and protective - and emotional - good grief - not again and then angry - suck it up - suck it up for chr*st's sake
And the hands shake alittle more - and the words pop into my head - "are you still with me gentle reader?"
Idk - I feel alittle embarrassed and ashamed at writing this - alittle worried something might be taken out of context - read wrong
Idk J - just back away slowly - the scared - wary little insolant pup that you are - pu**y boy
Kind of sucks sometimes when you forget how to use things you use everyday - sometimes it take a minute or two to remember how to use the laptop - how to spell words - zip a coat - work the faucet - mind can go from ninety to zero in a matter of seconds. It can go completely blank and I'm left wondering wtf I was talking about or doing or - well anything
Idk - body says move move move - if you don't want to play with your demons boy you best start running
Something funny - I had a memory hit me last night - it was my own - of the first time I heard one of the others. Laying in bed - I thought my pillow was talking to me - it was haunted or something - lol
Now let's worry that this is too long
@mytwistedsoul
Hey J. Im sorry youre hurting— I wish you werent— you did a great job writing this out. Its not too long at all. Im sorry that youre worried about going onto other threads but I understand it too— take the time you need. Its hard, feeling toxic, trying to ignore the urge to isolate in an attempt to keep others safe. I hear you.
@mytwistedsoul
idk what im even feeling at this point. i feel so hopeless and helpless
my life should be happy but im sad all the time
sunsets shouldn't make me feel this sad
i made a friend but lost him within a week, and i want nothing more than to reconnect, but we can't
everything is stressful, but i dont have the motivation to do anything anymore
i need a break
@bluebird0303 I'm sorry to hear you're feeling so helpless and hopeless - Is there someone you can talk to at school - a counselor - a teacher - I'd say a parent but - I know kind of how that goes.
I'm sorry to hear about your friend and I wish I had some words of wisdom or advice for you. I do understand the lack of motivation though - that hard to deal with. Sometimes we need to take a break - a pause. Just focus on the moment and just let it be for alittle -
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts
I'm trying to stay connected and in control - but it's been hard today. The grey has it's appeal
This over thinking - is going to be the death of me I think. Seeing things - red flags - warning signs - danger - whatever you want to call it - them
Sometimes I feel like I am a poorly disguised human being - yeah I have all the wrapping but - Idk it's all wrong
The Static Wake - Alive https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=991yzjncYhQ&list=RD991yzjncYhQ&start_radio=1
Solence - Animal in Me https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hwy0636eYsA&list=RD991yzjncYhQ&index=3
Captives - Falling Apart https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xwjlzJrvmNc
There's a typo on the main page - did you notice it yet?
@mytwistedsoul
Yes it
@ThePizza Hey M - how are you?
I can't believe they haven't fixed it yet
@mytwistedsoul
I know right?
Im doing okay— busy again
@ThePizza I can't help but look at the mistake everytime I come on here - wondering if the fixed it
I'm glad to hear you're ok - busy is a good distraction but I hope you find sometime to relax and chill.
Any new books? Or are you still reading the ones you had talked about earlier. I started one by Neal Shulsterman - Dry but I haven't gotten very far