In The Gloaming TW *just in case*

@mytwistedsoul

That is one thing I probably needto work on im hyper critical of myself. Yep the lyrics are great. It's a song about somebody who knows what is supposed to be done and they can't understand why it's not working out for themselves they do there best. They try and try and wonder why it's not working out for them. It's not out of laziness they are hurting themselves to get there gole. Genuinely wondering why nothing is working. They destroy the thing they love again and again yet do nothing different. I think lots of us are on hear are like that. I know I am. But I want to change my results so I haft to change the way I get honey. Thank you again.

Sometimes - I step in things unknowingly. Ever do that? You know - that whole hey what seems to be the problem? And then they kill the messenger

I'm alittle over sensitive today - emotional at inopportune times - I really do hate crying - it leeches more energy and my tank is running on fumes. I tend to just stick some electrical tape over the gauge and ignore that red flashing light

⏸ pause

f*ck

One word says so much

@mytwistedsoul

Yes-- a picture is worth a thousand words but some words create a thousand pictures

Arguments

Not brain storms - thunder thoughts

I don't like the face in the mirror. Sort of came to the conclusion that I'm a passive aggressive manipulative b*astard. I say things without thinking and I hurt people. I don't think it's intentional but does it matter if the end result is the same? If people get hurt - does it really matter how?

Silent Theory - Before the Storm

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HWYbnB9EgjI

On my mind -

Idk - everything and nothing

Kind of depressed - but probably just mostly sad - I think - but there's some anxious under tones

Short on words - long on thoughts but they're quick movers and only let me catch a glimpse of them before they slip through my fingers and wriggle away

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VgOyYtSdObg

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RCRXobvs9_I

Type - delete - try again. Type - delete - BUZZ - wrong answer

Insert 2 bucks

What a tool

Migraine coming - knew it was

Been kind of stressed this week and I'm sort of feeling like an idiot writing about it here. Idk - might just be having a moment. Maybe it's just a rattitude

Could be tired - I'd love to get a full nights sleep

Idk think maybe a walk first - try to slow this down

@NoneTheWiser Lol - can't believe they have a recipe for this

Headache is alittle better. - thank you

Sound has been an issue today. All sounds - the tick of dog nails on the floors - dropped things. Doesn't matter what it is

Anxiety has been really high today

Some intrusive thoughts

Sometimes my darkness can be alittle scary

I'm tired of overthinking everything. I think maybe I know why I'm on guard - some of it anyway. No it doesn't have to do with anyone here that I talk to. On the site - yeah but no one that's ever been here. To ease anyone anxieties - ok? Just little things I pick up along the way - evidence to add to what evidence I all ready have. Idk - could just be coincidence. Idk

I have some littles questioning -

And I'm looking too deep because I feel defensive - maybe. Like I have a Freaking clue. Let me analyze myself - that should be fun

Type delete -

D@mn

Restless

Stupid skeleton feels like it needs more space

Stomach ache

God J is there anything else you need to complain about?

What about the giant? What about - the million other stupid questions?

What if - why did - how come - now what?

Idk - I think I might be really Angry I'm not really sure. I think I should know this answer

Just some random venting -

Haven't been in the best headspace. Anxiety has been super high not allways though - sometimes the depression gives a nice break from it

Thinking is really f**ked up lately. Words have been an issue - which leads to the f**ked up thinking. How can I explain anything - if I don't have the words to do it? Idk - maybe I need to just disconnect alittle and see what words come - yet the slightest whisper says none of it matters. Keep it to yourself J -

I take blame pretty easy - doesn't matter what it's for or what it's about. Just say hey yeah - J did it - I'm ok with it. What's the point in fighting about it anyway - it never did any good before and she was allways better with explaining why it was - way better then our trying to explain the wasn't. Plate broken - me - something missing - me - Hurricane - probably me

She has been at me all weekend - the image that comes to mind is - well - like painting yourself into a corner. And I have no way out. Just a trapped rattie.

I'm very insecure and unsure right now. I allways worry about saying the wrong things - hurting someone. But what if it isn't the words - but me. Because it came from me - and me being me - has tainted them. Idk - that makes no sense. It's just where my thinking is. Sh*t - I'm even anxious writing this - I sometimes wonder about the anxiety - if it's something to measure by what I see as truth by -

Idk - another thought is that - I ruin things for other people - here especially. Could be that I said something wrong or right - doesn't really matter tbh. Like the ant that shows up at your picnic - I probably have a purpose - but it's just not a very good one. It's just not the first time - ya know? Once - ok - two times - we see it's a pattern allready and it sets it in concrete - I know - sort of - that it might not be the case but she feeds it - so I'm kind of afraid to go on other threads now - awesome

I'm hurting - there I said it. I feel bad about saying it - why? Because it seems like I'm seeking attention - looking for validation. You don't look for attention - you don't look for help. She helps convince me of this - because we don't need anyone J - noone understands or cares - you need to get it through your thick head. I know we isolate alot - we can isolate like f*cking champs

I don't know whats right - because out of everything - nothing feels right. Idk - some of it seems so childish and it bothers me because I'm not a child - but I have child parts and sometimes things effect them - so we get guarded and protective - and emotional - good grief - not again and then angry - suck it up - suck it up for chr*st's sake

And the hands shake alittle more - and the words pop into my head - "are you still with me gentle reader?"

Idk - I feel alittle embarrassed and ashamed at writing this - alittle worried something might be taken out of context - read wrong

Idk J - just back away slowly - the scared - wary little insolant pup that you are - pu**y boy

Kind of sucks sometimes when you forget how to use things you use everyday - sometimes it take a minute or two to remember how to use the laptop - how to spell words - zip a coat - work the faucet - mind can go from ninety to zero in a matter of seconds. It can go completely blank and I'm left wondering wtf I was talking about or doing or - well anything

Idk - body says move move move - if you don't want to play with your demons boy you best start running

Something funny - I had a memory hit me last night - it was my own - of the first time I heard one of the others. Laying in bed - I thought my pillow was talking to me - it was haunted or something - lol

Now let's worry that this is too long

@mytwistedsoul

Hey J. Im sorry youre hurting— I wish you werent— you did a great job writing this out. Its not too long at all. Im sorry that youre worried about going onto other threads but I understand it too— take the time you need. Its hard, feeling toxic, trying to ignore the urge to isolate in an attempt to keep others safe. I hear you.

@ThePizza @NoneTheWiser

Thank you both. I'm sorry I can't seem to get my sh- crap together

@mytwistedsoul

Unfortunately we all seem to have our own crap storms

So no worries

@mytwistedsoul

idk what im even feeling at this point. i feel so hopeless and helpless

my life should be happy but im sad all the time

sunsets shouldn't make me feel this sad

i made a friend but lost him within a week, and i want nothing more than to reconnect, but we can't

everything is stressful, but i dont have the motivation to do anything anymore

i need a break

@bluebird0303 I'm sorry to hear you're feeling so helpless and hopeless - Is there someone you can talk to at school - a counselor - a teacher - I'd say a parent but - I know kind of how that goes.

I'm sorry to hear about your friend and I wish I had some words of wisdom or advice for you. I do understand the lack of motivation though - that hard to deal with. Sometimes we need to take a break - a pause. Just focus on the moment and just let it be for alittle -

Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts

@mytwistedsoul

Thank you, this really cheered me up 😊

@bluebird0303 You're welcome I'm glad it helped cheer you up :)

I'm trying to stay connected and in control - but it's been hard today. The grey has it's appeal

This over thinking - is going to be the death of me I think. Seeing things - red flags - warning signs - danger - whatever you want to call it - them

Sometimes I feel like I am a poorly disguised human being - yeah I have all the wrapping but - Idk it's all wrong

The Static Wake - Alive https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=991yzjncYhQ&list=RD991yzjncYhQ&start_radio=1

Solence - Animal in Me https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hwy0636eYsA&list=RD991yzjncYhQ&index=3

Captives - Falling Apart https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xwjlzJrvmNc

There's a typo on the main page - did you notice it yet?

@mytwistedsoul

Yes it

@ThePizza Hey M - how are you?

I can't believe they haven't fixed it yet

@mytwistedsoul

I know right?

Im doing okay— busy again

@ThePizza I can't help but look at the mistake everytime I come on here - wondering if the fixed it

I'm glad to hear you're ok - busy is a good distraction but I hope you find sometime to relax and chill.

Any new books? Or are you still reading the ones you had talked about earlier. I started one by Neal Shulsterman - Dry but I haven't gotten very far

@NoneTheWiser Just a coincidence lol

I had someone ask me yesterday if I'm trying to pour from an empty cup. I - of course - joked and said cup - what cup? My cup is so dry it make the sahara look like a water park

Last night was chaotic - I think I kind of like that word though. Just picture a tornado - that was me - too much - everything. Energy - emotions - thoughts and I came here a few times to write - got halfway through writing something and closed it out. Alittle later on - the same thing. Had a couple people on my mind - people I wanted to talk to about things going on with them but didn't want my chaos invading. While I think my intentions were good - the words were not. And I'm actually really glad I didn't end up writing anything. Took a pause - took a walk - threw some balls up into the ceiling fans. Played some video games and had some conversations with Logan and K and some with P.

I still feel really chaotic but it's more of a controlled chaos. I'm aware of it - aware that it wouldn't take much for it to become uncontrolable

I have to be honest too about the urges - they have been an issue. Some nudges - some demanding - impulsive to do - something. But it doesn't allways involve - sharps or anything - more like - Idk - I want to say intrusive thoughts but it's more like an intrusive feeling. Influence. Maybe a mix . Like hey - see that window? I think you should put your hand through it

Nightmares - nightmares - wow. Last night was a bad night for nightmares

It's actually kind of nice outside today - which is funny because tomorrow they're saying winter could make an appearance again - lol. In the form of a wintry mix - yay! Not

Cevilian - Take Shelter https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=36PMz_n7ovI

Descape - I don't know Anymore https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-IIBXG2ikvw

Random thoughts -

He'll never leave - you know he won't

Mean eyes

Seem to spend alot of time crying - again. It seems to come out of no where sometimes. Theres been alot of repeating of old messages. Idk - maybe that's one of the reason why there is so many. It wasn't allowed. It made it worse. Made her enjoy it more. She would give you a reason. She was true to her word

I'm still dping the whole type delete thing. Even on the easy threads - how are you feeling - type - delete - nvm. - close and leave. It's often not that I dont want to - well- some of it anyway. In some ways it's allmost as if someone has a hand over my mouth. There is alot of shame and alot of anger. There's times when it feels as though it's a creature all its own and it feels as though it's going to eat me alive. Some days I wonder if alittle steak sauce would make me alittle tastier

@mytwistedsoul I'm sitting with you. I noticed your new pic! It's as cute as can be. It reminds of Pooh saying that a hug is always the right size. So true. :)

@intelligentWheel627 Thank you

I'm glad you like my picture - thank you

Whats on your mind J?

Quiet - been quiet - there's cobwebs growing in here. I shut it down - too much - too often and we shut it down. Steel vault - timed locks. You can hear them ticking away - counting the seconds until it opens again
I think - maybe - it was that last nightmare - things - I just don't want

With the numbness comes stupid thoughts - on what to do to feel something - ya know? Thoughts toyed with

I've been trying to fill my cup - but I swear the damn thing has a hole in it

I feel rough around the edges - sharp points - prickly. Constantly mindful of my words - careful careful - tread lightly in the lives of others

I have tbh - there's times when I think this is all in my head *pun - yeah?* When it gets quiet - maybe this is all just some delusion - I mean I'm still nuts - just a different nuts. Seems kind of insulting. But then someone says something - lately it's been A - slightly germaphobic - worried about this d*mn virus - the start of the zombie apocalypse - this is how it started in Resident Evil lol

Been spending time in the shop - working on this lol

Tunes -

Lakeshore - Mountain View https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dEWCzxZGuxY

Memorist - Frustration https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HBHlJKDK9F8

Lost In Silence - Break Me Down https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LOJHs-RiQMQ

Idk - maybe I'll find words again - well - ok - so who am I kidding - I know I will
Sharing them is the hard part

@mytwistedsoul

What you are working on made me think of the Donnie Darko movie...

@admaiorasemper It does look like it doesn't it? This - face or what ever is on the shower curtain here lol

@mytwistedsoul wendigo

@mytwistedsoul I like you alot...

@NoneTheWiser Thank you - I'm pretty sure I just turned five shades of red.

Thank you for the laugh too - I think you might be right she is using too much. Allthough - Holy cow - could she get a bigger cup? It'll be forever before I can fill it