"I might be Ok, but I'm not fine at all" My little blog (This will contain triggers)
Heyyyyy guys, I have decided to make a little blog about me and my goal is to try and write in it everyday. This blog WILL have triggers scattered throughout it so sorry in advance
I will start with a little of my past and have a list of all my triggers i have identified so far.
TW sa, sh, su*c*de, eating disorder, abuse and probably alot more lol.
When I was in grade 3 I was sexually assaulted at school and I havn't been the same. I have been extremely careful on what I wear so it covers my body. I have tried to commit 4 times twice being the wrists, drowning and overdose for the other times. Mum is abusive because she doesn't know what happened at school so she don't know why I tried to commit. Today I also self harmed just a little bit but its still self harm and I am putting myself down for it. I dont even know why I self harm but I have been atlest once a year since my last su*c*de attempt. I have been getting awfull nightmares/flashbacks from this too so I havnt slept properly in a while lol. I am freaking out for Thursday aswell because I have a doctors appointment and I have lost so much weight its visible to me even and she some how allways can tell when I have lost weight. so I am not looking foward because mums going to be really mad after. Any way thats enough for now... See you next time and Hope u didnt get triggered. Down Bellow I have listed my triggers.
Sexual Assault
Self Harm
The colour Red
Also anyone can comment and support me! So feel free to do so!
@Listeningsarinn @Nightskypleasure @shinequeen001 @HelpfulDiamond @WarmLightXO @Londo
I feel so broken rn, Idk what to do with myself. I keep harming when get to 6 days and i cant pick myself up no more. I need to distract but idk what to do
Got too many things on my mind
Think about it, I don't wanna think about it
Maybe that's why I'm always high
Tellin' me six, seven, eight, nine, ten more things to change
But 'til that day
If you need me, I'll be here with my emotions, my emotions
You should know I feel some type of way, I don't even know why
I'm just needin' a little space, I'm just needin' a little time
Don't mind me, I'm just feelin' kinda broken
So I'll be here with my emotions
But I still can't help it sometimes
Fight about it, I don't wanna fight about it
I'm already screamin' inside (screamin' inside)
I always got six, seven, eight, nine, ten brand new mistakes (mistakes)
I know I'll make
If you need me, I'll be here with my emotions, my emotions
You should know I feel some type of way, I don't even know why
I'm just needin' a little space, I'm just needin' a little time
Don't mind me, I'm just feelin' kinda broken
So I'll be here with my emotions
(Where did I go wrong? Where did I go wrong?)
I'm doin' my best and I guess that's the best I can do
(Where did I go wrong? Where did I go wrong?)
I'm doin' my best and I guess that's the best I can do
(Where did I go wrong? Where did I go wrong?)
I'm doin' my best and I guess that's the best I can do
If you need me, I'll be here with my emotions, my emotions
You should know I feel some type of way, I don't even know why
I'm just needin' a little space, I'm just needin' a little time
Don't mind me, I'm just feelin' kinda broken
So I'll be here with my emotions
Oooh I just did something I hasn’t done in long time... I actually went on queue for listener. I hope i get a good one who actually wants to help me
@Swiftygirl13 yay <3 hope you did get a good listener <3
@Sunisshiningandsoareyou
i end up canceling because after half an hour no one pick up and the green bar down bottom was starting to bug me xd
Shit i just got really bad started looking things up and was about to act on one of them
@Swiftygirl13 *keeps hugging* and here with you. <3
Do you have someone around at this time? Would it help to request a nurse to sit with us too? <3
Swifty can always reach out to Crisis resources too, when needing them okie? <3
@Sunisshiningandsoareyou
no no no no never help me make me worse make me feel invalid and like a stupid idiot because i cant deal with my problems no good experience with them
@Swiftygirl13 I'm really sorry about the bad experiences :/
Swifty is very much capable of tackling any issues, and is valid always, but swifty is human too, and sometimes we need and can use some extra support from others, swifty is allowed to reach out for this extra support when needed also. <3
we'll try taking some deep breaths now, mhm? <3
@Sunisshiningandsoareyou
Swifty never reach out to them again rather go ahead with it then feel that way because of people who is ment to help me
@Swiftygirl13
I get how terribly the negative experience impacted you. :/
we will just keep holding on tighter currently mhm? This moment will pass very soon. <3
<3
@Sunisshiningandsoareyou
i am really really sorry for what i just said i am so sorry
@Swiftygirl13 *hugs* <3
@Sunisshiningandsoareyou
hugglesssssssssssss
@Sunisshiningandsoareyou I could do this Breathe in Breathe out thing forever. It's mesmerizing lol.
@SweetPea321 Glad hehe yay! <3
@Sunisshiningandsoareyou
I need help
@Swiftygirl13
I so broken rn, like literally cant pick myself up anymore. I hate bing this way, its so paiinful and lonely and messes with my brain. I keep telling myself I'm not good enough and not worthy of anything good and all I deserve is pain and to poof for good and nothing is helping me. I shut myself down today and yesterday. Oh about yesterday...
I had a counselling session and I am still pretty upset on how it went. I thought I could be brave and start hinting about how I was SA at school by my teacher. This is how the convo went:
Therapist: Do you have anything specific on ur mind today that you think you are comfy talking about honey?
Me: (Not looking at her and wraps blanket tighter around turning away a bit more) Sometimes u not safe at places, and u can never trust teachers.
Therapist: What do you mean by that honey??
Me: Please not call me honey rn, I am trying to stay calm and talk which I am finding very hard and I am being ridiculous saying this allowed but, if people of a higher role than u take advantage of people and do this to them, imagine how many people are so mentally, (says super quietly so she cant here this part), and physically, (goes back louder so she can hear), fucked up and traumatised basically. Too scared to talk about too embarrassed.
Therapist: Ok I am sorry for calling u that...
That is all I remember hearing, I zoned out, and shut down before I went into a mental breakdown, I started getting flashbacks, first they came slowly, just like they always do, but then they came on faster and stronger. Everything around me was literally not there it felt like I was back there, I started crying and repeating the word no over and over rocking and crying.
By the time I had died down, my time finished and
@Swiftygirl13
Sorry I wasnt meant to press send yet. as i was saying...
By the time i was finished being overly triggered and stimulated, my time with the therapist was over by a lot but they couldn't get me out of the state. I had tr
@Enchanted2024
Hugggggg.
Yayyy today is 7 days no harm now!!!!
Therapist wants to do another session with me tomorrow tho. I dont want to. But i should. I wont tell sis tho. She doesnt help much when she comes in with me. I should start talking more and opening up but i just dont trust adults. They break too many promises.
When I was 10 I went on a play date to my friends house with my older sis, they are twins. I got along well with one and my sis got along well with the other. anyway, the twins mum needed to go to the shops so she took us with her and all was going well until sis and i started to bicker. I was about to get really mad so instead I just walked off, technically ran off tbh. But it was the only thing I could do to stop myself from getting mad. By the time they found me again I had calmed down but was crying because I hate fighting with sis. My friends mum was mad with me for running off and she said when we get back to their place I am going to "spend some time" in her room so that I can learn my lesson.
To me that meant she was going to punish me the way mum does. When we got to their place, she took me to her room and pointed to the bed and told me to stay there then left the room. So I got into the position mum always made me get in I thought she must have been getting the paddle or something. (Remember I thought this was normal and ok to do and that all parents did it.) A little while later she came back and asked what I was doing and I burst into tears and said something like. "you're going to make sure I learnt my lesson you said so I got ready so you don't have to tell me to get into position."
She told me that mum gave her permission to spank me if I was naughty and she said I had defiantly deserved one for running off in the shopping centre but she wasnt going to because thats not her place to do so. It was mums. She then assured me she wasnt going to tell mum because she thought I had learnt my lesson but as soon as we got home she told mum and i got in big trouble. Mum invited her in to stay and "help me learn my lesson" sooooo she did.
Sorry that was long. I hate how I remember things like that. I cant remember what we where fighting about tho
I'm really upset over such a stupid thing that might not even happen or worry about.
I wan't to be able to have a family of my own when I am older, have my own children and treat them so much better than how mum treated me. I want to be able to love something and protect it the way I wish mum did, but I'm scared I will never be able to do "it" with anyone because I will trigger. What if I never can do it and get over the trigger. I mean, i know its really hard to stop getting triggered by things, I just want to be able to control how bad I get triggered.
Its stupid but I just really want to be there for someone that is mine and make sure they have a great life and childhood. Yes i will most likely be the annoying best friend mum XD
My mom was abusive in my younger years too. Now that I'm older and understand that she's schizophrenic, I forgive her. She was sick back then.
@SweetPea321
Oh I'm sorry to hear this. I dont think mum is. She's just over me LMAO. I mean I do have trouble remembering things and that really *** her off. Then the times I was "sneaky" when really I was just to scared to tell her that I had run out of things like my tablets or shampoo and conditioner. Idk there is very many things to be mad about. But at least she didnt even try ask how I was mentally. Its not normal for a child to suddenly go really quite and be trapped in their own world all the time. She didnt even notice LMAO. (I say LMAO a lot to idk "sweeten" it up a bit?)
Mum is very old school like her friends are.
Oh, I see. Well my mom did the best she could and like I said...I forgave her. She grew up old school when kids got beatings so she learned it from her own childhood.
@SweetPea321
So sorry to read this, sweet pea. Wow.