"I might be Ok, but I'm not fine at all" My little blog (This will contain triggers)
Heyyyyy guys, I have decided to make a little blog about me and my goal is to try and write in it everyday. This blog WILL have triggers scattered throughout it so sorry in advance
I will start with a little of my past and have a list of all my triggers i have identified so far.
TW sa, sh, su*c*de, eating disorder, abuse and probably alot more lol.
When I was in grade 3 I was sexually assaulted at school and I havn't been the same. I have been extremely careful on what I wear so it covers my body. I have tried to commit 4 times twice being the wrists, drowning and overdose for the other times. Mum is abusive because she doesn't know what happened at school so she don't know why I tried to commit. Today I also self harmed just a little bit but its still self harm and I am putting myself down for it. I dont even know why I self harm but I have been atlest once a year since my last su*c*de attempt. I have been getting awfull nightmares/flashbacks from this too so I havnt slept properly in a while lol. I am freaking out for Thursday aswell because I have a doctors appointment and I have lost so much weight its visible to me even and she some how allways can tell when I have lost weight. so I am not looking foward because mums going to be really mad after. Any way thats enough for now... See you next time and Hope u didnt get triggered. Down Bellow I have listed my triggers.
Sexual Assault
Self Harm
The colour Red
Also anyone can comment and support me! So feel free to do so!
@Listeningsarinn @Nightskypleasure @shinequeen001 @HelpfulDiamond @WarmLightXO @Londo
@Swiftygirl13
aww swifty, thank you so much for sharing it with us. and I'm really sorry that u had to go through a rough time. I understand how it feels and I'm always here to support you anytime u want! I'm proud of you for coming this far and I know soon you'll get over it. healing takes time and no need to rush.<3
@Swiftygirl13
Hey, Swifty. I know you went through much since we started talking, but something important I've been seeing in you is how you always try and move to the better. Even if it seems like you're really down now, you still try and fight. This is what makes you special. That you're unique, a fighter, a true fighter, a strong one so don't listen to anyone who tells you otherwise. I know I told you once but I'm saying it again..You're much stronger than you think. I genuinely hope everything gets better for you and I believe it will. 💜
@Swiftygirl13
Hi Swifty, thanks for the tag 💚💛
So glad you're here with us, much love 💕
@Swiftygirl13 I'm so sorry to hear that swifty but it's alright, don't worry I know you re going through so much of rough time but it will not last for ever nd eventually it will pass 😊💖. Thanks for sharing your struggles . I'm proud of you for being so strong . Keep neighbors strong nd hold on. We re all here to support you in your hard times. Take good care of yourself nd always feel free to reach out for help😊💖
@Swiftygirl13
A little story I wrote during my Panic Attack
Welcome to my Panic Room
There is a door just in front of her
It is open and showing a happy girl hanging with her friends,
she looks unrecognizable,
happy, free, loved, welcomed, all the things she longs to be.
Her hazel eyes are shining brighter than the stars in the night sky
her smile is wider than Saturn's rings
Her body gives off a radiant glow, brighter than the sun.
Its so close
yet so far away.
Beside her there is just empty dark space
to close for comfort but it welcomes her with open cold empty arms.
On the other side her there is a cliff with jagged sharp rock.
Its right there,
calling her name like a father calls to her daughter returning from a long trip away from home.
Its the easiest option.
All around it is dark, silent and empty.
There is a whistle of a train and it screams past her.
She watches as memories that haunt her flash past,
but it never ends,
its on a loop,
always there,
haunting her,
following her every move.
loud voices are yelling out around her
they are all so familiar,
they all are chanting insults, rude remarks, hurt, sadness, disappointment.
All the things that are her.
The pain is unbearable,
she covers her ears and screams longing for someone to save her from this never ending nightmare,
The cold empty feeling washing over her in waves,
pain stabbing at her heart,
Hurt and longing withering through her body
When she hears her own mother say those horrible words
She just want to take the easiest option
she wants to go home,
Jump and fly home, join the lost boys
and be free
never worry about upsetting
never worry about the danger
she curls into a ball crying so hard the room floods
she is drowning in her own tears
nobody to save her
all alone... lost... scared... hopeless
there is silence now,
the tears have stopped
she feels alone, cold, hurt and is longing for someone to love her no matter all her flaws.
She is still longing for it.
There is hands reaching to help her,
they prolong the urge to fly towards Never land
but only one person can save her
she has waited long enough
never land calls her to come home
all her brothers and sisters are waiting,
ready to welcome her
she will be free
but she doesnt want that
she wants her mothers love
she wants to hear the words
"I love you"
she wants to say
"I am sorry, please forgive me"
she just wants to hear the words
"I forgive you and I am sorry"
she longs to say
"I forgive you and I love you"
She wants to feel her mothers warm embrace
and be able to cry into her mothers arms like she never has before
She wants to cuddle in tight read stories
do all the things she missed growing up
she longs for her to tuck her into bed
whisper: "I love you sweet dreams and see you in the morning"
But that all seems so far away...
can she hold on much longer is the question...
The train returns and she continues to curl into a ball rocking,
muttering to her self,
"I need you mum, why cant you tell?"
she longs for a reply..
She feels a hand on her shoulder and when she looks up 7 cups sits and joins her
not letting her be alone
longing with her
holding her tight
not daring to let go
She cuddles in tight and buries her feet in the ground making sure to hold on
she continues to rock as 7 cups smothers her in hugs and comfort while she waits
but how long will that be?
Will 7 cups stay with her?
Or will they leave her with herself and the jump to Never land...
@Swiftygirl13
Writing this stopped me from SH so I might do it more often.... Just not sharing with people I know in real life they will say I need help....
@ListeningWren012
@Swiftygirl13
I'm glad you have a coping mechanism other than SH, and I'm sorry you felt pressured enough to resort to SH
@Enchanted2024
I love it how writing helped you to not self harm. Poetry is such an expressive language and I love the way you write.
@Swiftygirl13
We'll stick around as long as you'll have us :)
I have been trying to distract myself a lot lately and have started following these people on social media. they post inspirational quotes or just hard facts on life..
These are just a few of them that got to me today. They are so true.
Walk away from anything that gives u bad vibes, there is no need to explain or make sense of it its ur life
pov: when ur life gives u bad vibes 😀 (this was my input on that one)
quote: God will put u back together right in front of the people who broke u
when that person is gone (also my input)
hey in case no one has told u lately, I am so proud of you, I'm proud of you for pushing through everything that ur going through. you are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for. And you are capable of doing anything in this world... I believe in you.
the loneliest people are the kindest, the saddest people smile the brightest, and the most damaged people are the wisest. All because they do not wish to see people suffer they do...
you have to let ur hurt go it's changing u. You used to seem so full of life full of joy, happiness. But now it seems like there's always something heavy on ur heart, on ur mind.
I don't think people realise how much strength it takes to pull ur own self out of a dark place mentally, and if u did that today, or any other day, I am proud of you
sometimes the reason good things aren't happening to you.. is because you are the good thing that needs to happen to other people
Brain: Ah, we are about to do it again aren't we? heart: do what? disappear. Brain: yeah you know what happens when we get this way. heart: yeah I don't think we should do it again. Brain: and why is that? Heart: because I don't know if I'll come back again...
These are quotes or reminders or facts that just are too true to go unnoticed. The world is just pushing all these away no actually I am just pushing them away. I find it hard trying to be happy again especially when I think I have to measure up to the girl that I used to be... So carefree, so full of joy, so happy. There is one good thing I know I will cherish when I come out of these times... I am able to notice when someone isn't all right and I may not know how to relate to them but I sure have a heck load of issues that I have/am facing. and a heck load more to come. I just hope after 8 years of this pain, hurt, depression, hiding, and longing to be loved I will break through soon and I will learn to love myself for who I am and remind people that they are NEVER alone. I know how it feels to be alone in a crowded room/world. We all do and we all can help each other and stick together. You are never alone when you are here. We love you all for who you are and I know you guys all love me for all I am. I want to hurry up and get over this feeling... I am ready to do what it takes. I am ready to accept my past and move on the best I can and I hope you guys can help me through it because it means opening the box I have locked deep, deep down and letting it all out. It will be hard but I have you guys to help me and I hope you will bear with me and be patient, please. I won't mean to offend anyone but Ik I will be going in and out of crisis moments but I will push through. I will get help if it comes too much and too strong. I am doing this for myself. I am doing this for my friend who I miss so very much. I miss you Sammy and I am sorry you did that trying to save me but it hurts more... I am never going to see you again until my time is up, but I will live it to the fullest and do everything we planned to do together. You will always be with me and I am so so sooo sorry please forgive me and I will be patient waiting to see you again and I won't make any shortcuts to get to you quicker. I love you so very much (friends way).
Sorry for the little rant...
@Swiftygirl13
Hey there, thankyou for inviting me to your little space. ❤ I hope you don't mind me commenting here hehe.
For starters, you never have to apologize to share your thoughts and feelings, a "rant" if you call it, is more than welcome also, this is your space after all and you're allowed to share as much or as little of whatever you want/ need to. ❤ I for one, am really proud of you for making this space to share, we can all use some space to ourselves and I recently came across something "I'm allowed to take up space." more like an affirmation for someone, but this one hit really hard lol, often we make ourselves believe otherwise sadly and there comes in the guilt trips of taking space. But yes, let's trace our steps back and reassure ourselves that we are indeed allowed to take as much space needed and to simply *be*. ❤
I love quotes too and I believe in the power of words also, specially with quotes though, it feels as if someone before us has been there too, has experienced what we are feeling and managed to give some words to it, I feel it validates our thoughts and feelings in a way, assuring us that we aren't alone and are allowed to feel as we do.
I'm sorry for your loss, loss of a loved one changes us in so many ways ~ you are soooo allowed to be gentle and patient through the whirlwind of emotions you feel when you go back to them and the thoughts surrounding such. Sending lots of love and blessings your way, lovely. ❤
I'm really proud of you for trying and wanting to accept yourself, love yourself and more. You deserve it too like any other. One step at a time, aye(?)
@Sunisshiningandsoareyou
Thank you sun you are always welcome in here lol and ye I just say sorry for the rant to feel a bit better about it. I don't normally like sharing this since it is so personal.
@Swiftygirl13
Yay thankyou hehe, since we'll be meeting often now though :P what's your preferred name in cups? 💛
Aww and I get how it works :( completely okay to share though, you did great by letting it out. <3
@Sunisshiningandsoareyou
Swifty is great! wbu? what can I call u?
@Swiftygirl13
Swifty is indeed! I'm good with any nicknames really hehe, Sun works the best for most people, since it's short and sweet I think lol. Or ofcourse feel free to come up with any nickname you'd like. 😊
Hey, I haven't posted on here for a while XD Haven't been the best tbh. I've been really overwhelmed and have been mentally and physically not good. Ummm I have been self-harming daily again for the past 2 months or something and my ED is really bad I can't remember the last time I was able (or willing) to keep my food down some days I can't even keep liquids down. Panic Attacks have been out of control Idk what else XD
@Swiftygirl13
Ok to finish that last post off. I am not coping well and am in a bad state very often. I have tried many ways to try to lift my mood but mum took my laptop away from me unless I'm doing schoolwork so I can't even listen to music and draw to calm down and ground myself so I resort to SH without even noticing and the last time I did I harmed pretty bad. I have been considering dea.th often and it's quite scary TBH I think I am capable of doing it properly this time if I could get enough time alone but mum won't leave me home alone and is constantly checking on me if I'm in a room alone. I can't even go for a shower without her having to check on me.
@Swiftygirl13
Hey, Swifty. I'm sorry to hear you're going through that. You were having great progress but unfortunately it really went down for you which I actually didn't expect. I just want to remind you that you were able to overcome the first time and I was able to overcome a similar experience. I'm not any better than you and that's why I'm sure you'll be able to do it. Swifty, I know it's hard, and I know it's easier said than done but please stay strong 💜 We all got you
@HelpfulDiamond
I'm sorry Diamond things got really bad with mum. and all then she took all tech away from me and I'm only just slowly getting it back plus older sister has been a bit of a *** to me too. I haven't had access to technology as much and that meant no music either or drawing. so there went my coping ways (safe options)