Hall of Fame (TW)

I've recently graduated as an honor graduate of a 5-month residential military based academy. We did GED testing there, and I passed all of my GEDs with high honors, would've been a lot easier and would've had a lot more options if I simply went to high school, however there's little point living in the past. I've achieved my High School Equivalency, which, after speaking with different recruiters, permits me to join the military. While there, we also took the ASVAB, the test required for entry into the Armed Forces, and I scored more than enough for whatever I may of wished to do. However, my goal is now focused on becoming an Army Ranger, which requires me to be in optimal physical and mental condition in order to have a chance at passing selection and assessment, as a result I may utilize this diary to working towards that goal as well. At first, you may assume that I missed my friends or family being away for 5 months, though this is surprisingly not the case. Many suffered homesickness at the start, and some of them withdrew due to it, but I was immune to it I suppose. Something I've realized for a certainty, living with 22 other people around my age for the past 5 months, is that I'm different. I can't really interact with people as easily as other people do, and it's difficult for me to express emotions, or even feel them at all myself, which leads people to believe that I'm heartless. I do care for certain people, but it feels as if those people don't recognize it at times. I'm not depressed (I don't think so, anyway.) However, when I feel happy, I don't openly express it in such a way that other people do, making people feel as if I'm not happy at all or possibly faking my happiness? I suppose this also relates to empathy, which I feel as if I'm very lacking in. When other people have problems, I try to get to the root of the problem and possible solutions in order to advance to the next evolution, or challenge, however when I do this it's as if the other people don't want to solve their problem, but instead want me to feel sorry for them? I'm simply not sure how to go about doing this, since I guess I'm not an emotionally-based individual. This is something that's been especially prevalent for me in the teen group chats all the while I've been here, and even other teen listeners. I simply cannot relate and don't know where to begin in a conversation because I have no experience or ground in that realm, despite being a teen myself. I can rappel of a 55ft tower and show no fear, I can lead my squad and ensure they're all squared away, but put me in a situation where someone is relying on me and they're in emotional turmoil? I'm clueless.

Woke up at 1400 when I went to sleep at 0900, definitely need to fix my sleep schedule. In the mean time, pushups go!

Intended to go to the gym today, but I don't really want to do anything. I don't really need to go to the gym in order to get a good bodyweight workout in, however I'm just avoiding it so that I don't have to take care of myself and make myself presentable, I suppose. Shaving and taking a shower, all that.

On second thought, I'm going to take care of myself. Need to exercise discipline or I feel I'll lose it. Shouldn't take that long regardless. Taking a shower also provides opportunity to listen to music.

Discipline - Training that develops self control. The willingness to do what is required regardless of personal mood.

Never, never quit!

"Far better is it to dare mighty things, to win glorius triumphs, even though checkered by failure... than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much, because they live in a gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat."
-Theodore Roosevelt

I've come to realize that holding yourself accountable for your actions (kind of) sucks. You analyze the situation, and come to realize that there's really no need to blame anyone except yourself, as you're the one responsible and able to take action to change the situation, whatever that situation may be. As a result, there's no need to transfer the burden to someone else, that simply serves as a distraction to progression.

I can tell there's something off today, not exactly sure what that is as of now but I shall try to correct it through physical training.

Take a good look around, those around you, and even at yourself.

How many people do you see just going through the motions of daily life, cycling through as if they were a zombie? I'd say the vast majority do so, and perhaps it's natural in the sense that that's sort of the way civilization is established, it'd be hard to catch yourself once you fall into that cycle. Pursue ambition, do what is required.

Ultimately, the judgement of others isn't important. They are insignificant.

The normal person is afraid to make mistakes, and therefore has little interest in ambition or self improvement. After all, what if you fail? However, failure is a precursor to success. It is not a step forward, but instead a step forward. You are now closer than you previously were to success, due to your failure and now experience. If one were to avoid adversity in the fear of failure, then they would be hit harder than others that have already experienced such. Experiencing failure awards the survivee with the irreplacable knowledge of resilency, the ability to bounce back and thrive when faced with hardship.

We are taught that failure should be avoided, make 'realistic' goals so that you don't have a chance of failure, though really, what's the worst that could happen if you were to fall? Living a life restricted by yourself, doubting the chances and opportunities you may otherwise take due to the risk of failure, is to limit your own capability.

Moral? Embrace failure and utilize it as a stepping stone towards your goals, success. Failure is inevitable, and sheltering yourself from it will only make it worse once you eventually do fail. Experiencing failure gives you the resiliency skills to bounce back and thrive in the face of adversity. Sure, when you do fail, it doesn't feel the best, I understand that. However, when you fail, you must be able to look around and recognize that new opportunities sprout from the failure, even if it wasn't your original goal, you can very well still succeed. Failure means you're moving forward, you're not limiting yourself or impeding your progress in fear of failure, but instead taking the calculated risks to do what you truly wish to do.

It is not a step backwards*

Some close to me have asked me if I'm scared, if I'm scared at the prospect of death, and I've put some consideration into it. I'm not afraid of dying, everyone has their time, and if I die surrounded by my brothers in arms, then in my opinion it's better myself than them. Anyday. I have experienced the bond of shared experience such as that, and it cannot be broken.

If I'm to live a life without this necessary risk, then what else is there to do? Price of entry, necessary to be 'high speed.' I'm in good hands.

I suppose one could say I've failed the last few days. I've been seeking a job due to the excessive amount of free time I have, and I went to interview and believed was under the impression that I did alright, however I received no feedback afterwards. I'm not sure if I wish to bother with it anymore. I've been doing very little, I understand that I should be occupying my time at least doing something stimulating, such as reading, learning, whatever it may be. I just haven't been doing that, though.

I need to reestablish my priorities.

An uncertain future, free, or a caged reality blessed by one's own ignorance? The world is bleak, and it's much easier to live in the confines of the prison than to do otherwise. Once the choice is made, you realistically can't go back. Choose wisely?

Show me your friends, and I'll show you your future.

What if your friends have left you and moved on while you were away? What if you essentially ghosted the friends you made, and now it's deemed to be too late? What if you were to block yourself off from the world, having minimal contact with anyone real? Do you become nothing, just fading away in the memories of others?

Congratulations on doing a good job, we knew you could do it.

Now get out.

There's no place for me.

Tempered in the forge, or so I tell myself.

Perhaps one day I truly shall be.

One cannot understand.

Absolutely no one can understand. Sympathize? Perhaps. Understand? No way. It's not the same.

Defective.

It's not personal. Seriously. Nothing is personal.

There's no one, though I suppose it doesn't matter.

Is it Ok if I respond to your diary/posts. Initially you were motivated- but most recent posts seem to have gone a different direction. Take care-

You are correct in this assessment, thank you.

It's fine.

It pays to be a winner.

I've come to realize that it's a necessity for me to get out and exercise on a daily basis, and when I don't, well, that's where the problems arise.

I'm not quite sure why this is the case, but I know for a fact that it influences my mood on a daily basis, if I fail to get exercise in then I suffer, both physically and mentally. I need it. I must make it through.

I'm aware.

If no one cares, that means I need to take the action to care, for myself. For, if I don't, then who will?

Absolutely no one.

I cannot hate myself, and I'm going to try to make the most of this opportunity which is life, which others may have not received to the extent I have. Until I cannot anymore, I shall live to the fullest.

Habit will be your champion. When you train the mind to think one way and one way only, when you refuse to allow it to think in another, that will produce great strength.

The hardship of the exercises is intended less to strengthen the back than to toughen the mind.

Okay. I am now in CPS custody and have been for around a week now, spending my days in a bland room with little to do. It is at this point I realize I am now truly alone, disconnected likely permanently from my family, and no one to talk to. I, for the first time in a long time, have a sense of uncertainty and quite possibly fear for what may happen next, and while before I thought no one cared, now truly no one cares. Ward of no one except the state, in limbo.

Absence was due to contemplation. I'm no closer to the answer, and likely never will be. Confident decision making shall likely rule the day, though I must be sure of my actions beforehand.

How does one find hope when you're in a hopeless situation? One might propose that you get out of that situation, but what if that doesn't seem feasible? Where's the light in a pitch black room?

Commitment. An agreement, pledge, or promise to do something in the future. A spirit of determination and dedication, leading to the highest order of discipline (Training that develops self control, the willingness to do what is required despite personal mood.) My unrelenting determination is wavering, but I don't know how to take corrective action.

Who actually cares? I don't mean to say that in a disrespectful manner, but who cares? People, for the most part, are self absorbed and don't care about much that doesn't pertain directly to them, so why should anyone care?

I shall wait to seize the moment. Decision is made.

Constant direct beratement and criticism behind my back, surprisingly, doesn't put me in the best of moods. I get the message.

How can you express hugs over the internet? Seriously, when people say that I'm clueless as to what I should reply back, thanks? Okay? Hugs back? I really don't know, although I suppose I have difficulty with normal displays of empathy even in person, it's definitely exacerbated over the internet. I have no feelings of gratitude, because it seems like such a sort of mindless and generic response to any problems someone may have, and as a result leaves me feeling simply uncomfortable. A puzzle piece that doesn't fit into the puzzle.

Great schools.