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xelimious
39,518 M Crossing Mileposts
PathStep 53 Compassion hearts773 Forum posts110 Forum upvotes115 Current upvotes115 Age GroupAdult Last activeJuly, 2024 Member sinceSeptember 28, 2019
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Journals & Diaries / by xelimious
Last post
 February 14th, 2022
...See more Reflections. I've come to realize the value of a journal in that you write down what you're thinking about, and in a sort of way you write, or in this case, type it out and as a result process what you're thinking about, or try to process it at least, and as a result, it'll be my best effort to update this diary of whatever I'm thinking about whenever it may be happening, in order to have some clarity of thought, I suppose. Perhaps relating to potential goals I may have, or literally anything on my mind. Trigger warning is up to be better safe than sorry, generally shouldn't be posting anything really explicit here. Let's see how long this lasts.
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diary i guess
Journals & Diaries / by xelimious
Last post
 November 7th, 2019
...See more it's 3 am and i'm tired but i can't sleep, sleep scares me. figured while i'm awake i may as well do something potentially useful and start a diary on here, not sure how effective it'll be but we'll see i guess. in my local community im considered a leader but i cant lead, cant even lead myself in the right direction let alone other people. i'm falling behind in just about everything i do and can't help but feel numb to it, effort seems futile and there's nothing i can do, no one to really talk to either seeing as i'm fake with my friends and my dad is too busy drinking to even care, imy life is all just a big facade and i'm the one being fooled. i don't even know what the hell im doing in life, i'm failing in everything i do and will probably have no opportunities for the future. i'm straight up terrified of school because im expected to perform well and i'm not, going to school for me is horrifying because i straight up cant pretend to be who i'm not anymore, but i need to keep going anyway for the sake of my dad. just feels like it's all falling down and there's nothing i can do and no one to relate to, i get so anxious every day and just freeze up but i hold it in because i can't let others have that perception of me. school in around 4 hours and i'm terrified. will just try to update this based off of how i'm feeling, not sure how often that may be but i'll try for at least daily, seems super unstructured and im sorry for that just wanted to get it out because i don't know what else to do, so apologies for that.
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