A Space For The Unsaid (Personal Diary)

@mytwistedsoul

I think we don't get two separate tags in same post :( it'll be nice if we did.. I didn't see your previous tag first 😮

Aww it's so sweet of you to say , I'll be honest ... I try 🥺 Ik it feels horrible being alone so I'd just want others to not feel like this, thanks a lot for noticing and reminding me I deserve niceness too , can use this reminder so often 😅 I see you being so kind and supportive to everyone too soul, I mean that's how we met here also and omygosh I am utterly grateful for you and your big- heart ❤ you deserve all nice and kind and happy and safe and supportive things also 🤗 *big huggie bac*

Yes lmao so not fun, doing way better now but I'm sorry you've fallen sick too :( same reminder to you hehe please take care, have lots of fluids, soup and warm stuff and take good rest and be vvvvv nice to yourself , I hope you get better really soon ❤ me here wichu

and you're right life happens 😅 and then keeps happening smh, thanks for being so understanding always <3 your always in my thoughts and you're welcome here anytime 🤗

Wow that's nice how you see wolves as loyal, protective and family oriented. I mostly see them as scary lmao but I've heard also , wolves are known for being all that you mentioned, and they very caring and loving for their packs! Sometimes I feel humans have a lot to learn from animals 😅

Really happy to hear about the fair , it truly sounds spectacular and a once in a lifetime kind of experience 😮 so much to explore and do around is fun and idk I can imagine myself next to the mystical stuff corner lol, I think it is quite spooky but also fascinating haha, maybe get my palm read for fun xD do you believe in this stuff? 😁 I personally haven't tried anything of the sort to know if I believe or not, but either way it seems interesting to me :D

super glad you had lots of fun yay so intriguing to hear you collect swords 😄 Did you wear a costume too and did you buy anything from the fair? I bet there's a lot of tempting stuff there lol! the music makes everything so much better 🥳 I can sense how excited you are and I'm happy to see you so happy☺

Aw thankchu *me feel loved and hugged* 🥰🥰 sending so much love and safe huggies to you and also lots of healing beams , hope the sickness shoos far away from you and you get better vv soon 🥺❤

Omg YES the forums are a whole lot of mystery and stress lmao, elevators and forums in cups have something in common "they are both always up to something 🤭" 😆😆😆 *giggles*

@Optimisticempath Hey you ❤️ I've missed you. You're right we don't get multiple tags. I wish we did too. And I think one tag might cancel out other tags too but I'm not sure

@mytwistedsoul

@mytwistedsoul

Ahhhhh idk Soul that just made me feel really nice, thankyou for keeping me in your thoughts 😔 miss you more ❤

Yeah that makes sense alsoo tags and notifications seem messed up even more now 💀

aw I know how terrible it can get when we listen too much to that little meanie voice :( and about forgetting to socialise I can relate too haha almost feels like we get used to being alone then people just feel weird and uncomfortable @_@

you deserve to have nice and caring and loving people around yourself tho, because you yourself are super nice , caring, sweet, kind, loving and supportive 💕

what got you sick Soul? 😔 how are you managing with everything?

I hope you get well vv soon , sickness bad :( *sending more powerful healing beams with extra love* ☺ they work better hehehe

please take lots of rest and care and healthy foods to get better really soon

Yes so true, humans being cruel is just ughh -_-

Omg it sounds a lot of fun really 🥺 just hearing all about it sounds very dreamy and nice, I'd love to experience it some time too haha! Wee for being open to it lol not necessary to believe but yea they be fun xD

lmao I had to look up gargoyles xD they scary :o and dragons too 😮 interesting haha! I can imagine they charge more for stuff here considering it's all fancy, antique, aesthetic-y kind? xD glad you got atleast some kind of souvenir tho hehe and wow a costume would be cool , I sooooo get what you mean by sometime not being yourself , I'd want that too sometime honestly hahaha :') I've never been to costume- anything I think 😮 now I'm thinking what I'd choose if I did lol , what about you? 😁 any costume ideas?

Uhm tbh lately I just don't know how i am doing really, my "ok" is again quite blurry hehe , guess nothing too bad so yeah okay 😅 trying to be gentle when I remember to be gentle 🙈 sometimes it's so hard to uh just remember it 🥺 thankchu for reminding me always ❤❤❤ you are the beary best 🤗

Haha I'm glad you found it funny and true too 🤣😆

@Optimisticempath Getting a tag from you is like a spot of sunshine to my day. I hope that doesn't sound too cheesy ❤️

hope you oki @theriverissinging 💕

@Optimisticempath https://imgur.com/a/sN6efNz If you'd like to see some pictures of the Renn Faire - no pressure though ok?

@mytwistedsoul aw ofcourse I'd love to Soul, thankyouuuu for sharing the pictures I was too shy to ask haha :') I love these I can see some people in costumes lol it seems super fun and the different attractions and aesthetic Wow 😍😍 it feels like a different place all together? So lively and vibrant ☺💖

@Optimisticempath It really does feel like stepping into another world. The people that are really part of it talk like way back then too 🙂 it's really cool. From the King and Queen and their entourage. Even unicorns 😁

Do you have anything like that in your part of the world?

*just needed to send you a hug* ❤️

@mytwistedsoul unicornssssss 😮😮😮 omg now I wanna go even more now lol 🥺🦄

Nu ,nothing of this kind around me or I probably just don't know about 😅 :')

you're the sweetest Soul 💕💕 *hugs back tight*

Soul yay the gifs are back 🥺🥳

@Optimisticempath Maybe a Google search could help you find something like it?

Yay! Gifs! It's nice to be able to search instead of just using the load more option because it used to crash 😕

@mytwistedsoul I'll look ❤ goose idea Soul!!

lmao so true happy to have the search option back also

@Optimisticempath I hope you can find something similar that you can go to. *fingers crossed and prayers to the Google gods* 😊❤️

I missed the GIF search. Never thought I would be we have to have gifs!

The search can still be temperamental sometimes as I just found out lol 😅

this really feels like a constant battle of thoughts and feelings .... of feelings of my own of my own thoughts and that of others, of feeling stuck in this spot where idk if if I am doing anything right at all .... of feeling xyz due to others and then not being able to really 'blame' them because when I see from their side .... it seems right... they are right to be disappointed, to think I'm a waste of space... to not care if I..... *sighhh* ... then it is so confusing if I'm letting alll of this manipulate me and gaslight me even more and invalidate everything I feel and experience...I just dont know anymore.... and no I really dont care about what's right or who's right or heck! What even is right....... I just want some peace... for this stupid brain to shut offf...for this heart to not hurt more.... just some calm moments where I don't hate myself and life and everything around .... too much to ask for always, huh?? .... :') sorry ...

@Optimisticempath Sorry I had to add my two sense in Opti ❤️ Nothing can hurt deeper than someone saying they're disappointed in us. I think we can see from other people's pov at these times because we've been conditioned to? It doesn't mean that the person that said it is right. Our brains tend to look for patterns in these things - similarities from the past? And these pesky brains latch onto similar things. *hugs Opti tight* ❤️ you're not a waste of space. I wish I could hush your brain and ease the pain in your heart. If you were truly a bad person Opti - these things wouldn't weigh on your mind so. You genuinely wouldn't care what anyone thinks but you do care - that's why it hurts so bad. I can't say don't hate yourself - I mean I really wish you didn't but I know it's not that easy either. So maybe we need to challenge those thoughts and Figure out what triggers them. Do you journal? Could you maybe write it out? The thoughts and what might be triggering them? That might help point you in a direction to work towards peace and give you a way to fight these thoughts?

👋 I've been feeling the same way as long as I can remember, and my first memory is as a very small child so, yes.

I've explored many different healing modalities and experiences trying to find solace for myself and others, so to speak.

Right now I'm exploring the work of Gabor Mate, MD, who for 12 years treated people in Vancouver's downtown Eastside.

He found that every woman who was hooked on drugs there in those 12 years had been sexually abused.

And yet no one had ever asked these women about their past when it came to treating them.

Also, he found as a doctor that medical training doesn't cover trauma or epigenetics and is actually traumatizing.

He said ask any doctor about their training and they will say it was very hard. Because it makes them lose themselves.

And how does a traumatized person heal a traumatized person with an incomplete model of training, a symptom model?

Gabor found there's no proof serotonin helps depression, for example. That it's like saying alcohol fixes social anxiety.

Or someone with a migraine helped by a painkiller - it's like saying the migraine was caused due to a lack of aspirin.

And so he's been working on healing the whole person rather than all these other western doctors who ignore that.

@Optimisticempath

@Optimisticempath

What? It is NEVER okay for anyone to feel that you're a waste of space. Who even says something that cruel? That's pure abuse. "They" couldn't be more wrong about you! Maybe you'd feel lighter and would hurt less if you weren't being treated that way. Can you break away? Some people can't be happy unless they're stomping on someone's happiness, on someone's light. I'm sorry that's happening to you.

@NoneTheWiser nothing wrong Jess you don't need to apologize 💕 what you said came from heart and really touched mine also 💕 I'll come to it soon but I didn't want you to worry about coming across wrong or anything, I'm really happy you replied 💕 *hugs you tight* Thankyouu 🥺🥺

@NoneTheWiser

sorry for taking a while :')

yk what is the most helpful Jess? Not the inspirational words or fancy positive affirmations...it's knowing someone could relate and that I'm not alone in feeling how I do ... that comforts the most

so thankyou really for sharing a piece of you with me ...ik it's not easy talking about stuff but now do you know the inspiring part? It's this... you trying to make me feel less alone by sharing something close to you even if it hits home... this is you, beautiful you!! 💕

I really wonder how you write so well but then also not because I know you speak from your heart and are so genuine in your approach .... it just speaks to the heart and in so many ways... you really make me feel so much seen and acknowledged... something I struggle alot with and really appreciate you for.

aw I don't know what to say tbh .... it is something i don't really make an effort for ... but it's so deep rooted and subconsciously active ... I noticed it properly today... after you said... that I do ... I do change the font color to lighter when I'm sharing something more idk me? and you got the reason too ... it is the reflection.. yes :( also that i don't really want to bring a lot of attention to stuffs or have someone feel burdened in any way... Idk.

Idk how to tell how much this means to me... I've been crying reading this message over and over , it really spoke to my heart ... I don't have many words either just a big thankyou for being you and having the most beautiful, most gigantic heart ever 💕 *hugs tight and sobssss* 🥺🥺🥺

how have you been? I care for you too 🥺

I don't celebrate Thanksgiving but I wanted to give my thanks to you in an effort to make you realise how much your presence and kind words mean to me 💕 smol effort by smol me hehe 🥺

@mytwistedsoul @NoneTheWiser @theriverissinging

Thankyou for being so so kind and sweet and giving and thoughtful and loving and caring and empathetic and respectful and supportive and encouraging and inspiring and helpful and vv amazing as you are 💕 I really really appreciate you for taking out the time to make me feel less alone, included, supported and cared for always 💕

I wish for all the kindness and love and happiness and peace for you in the world 💕

You don't have to reply to this 😅 I just wanted to express my gratitude and I'll keep doing it as often as I can because there's so much of it and it keeps increasing every passing moment 🥰

Happy Thanksgiving to you if you celebrate 🤗

If you do and you're comfortable sharing I'd love to hear how you celebrated and what you did 💕

If you don't no worries too , we can have our own lil Thanksgiving party here 💕

@Optimisticempath You're such a sweet person. I'm so grateful to know you ❤️ Thank you for being you ❤️ 😊

@mytwistedsoul

sometimes me hesitates to ask many questions to not seem very intruding but me wants Soul to know that they can share anything with me always 💕

holidays can be hard but I'm so glad you are trying to change it for the better , not an easy thing but maybe it's possible one holiday at a time 🤗

sounds so good to enjoy the meal with your neighbors , hope they vv nice people

I have never tried pumpkin pie hehe but fresh from the garden definitely made the pie better I can just imagine lol

emotional day :( something specific about the day made it more emotional for you?

I'm still very proud of you for trying your best at making it a nice-r holiday this time ❤

@Optimisticempath You wouldn't be intruding at all Opti ❤️

@mytwistedsoul

thankyou for assuring that ... I would never want you to feel uncomfy or anything because of me 💕

you really are allowed to bring whatever you like or want to in this space 🤗 you're welcome when you're happy, when you're not so happy and when you're not sure how you feel --- you are welcome here always being you 💕

I like how you're being open to the idea and I'm so proud of you Soul , putting up a Christmas Tree sounds great. Plus it doesn't have to be too big or anything fancy ok? Just anything you're feeling good about should work , baby steps!

oh wow I'm sure it's fun listening to the stories, have you been close to your grandparents? (you don't have to answer ❤)

That's a very nice way to look at it, the work done on the garden fruits and vegetables is something to be proud about

oh nuuu 😔 I'm sorry to hear that Soul I get it is a difficult time for you , I see you mention your animals so often and it is evident how much you do for them, love them, care for them and treat them as family , ofcourse your beloved left a big hole .... it's like a opening where you can revisit the moments you spent with her and cherish the love ❤ I'm sure she misses you tooo and I really hope she's being treated well at the rainbow bridge, away from all the pain and misery, being surrounded with only love and happy memories of you *hugs tightly and sitting with you*

Me happy you dont know how to thank me because you dont really need to ❤ I consider you my closest friend in this place and I wuvv you and friends don't need thankyou's to be there .... 🤗 plus I hope we aren't counting cause ngl then my list of thanks for everything you do for me and everytime you make me feel so cared for would be endless 😅

so much love and many more hugs back dearest Soul 💕❤ you make me feel so happy and nice always not even kidding lol just an "optibear" from you is enough to melt my heart🥺🥰

@Optimisticempath Hey you 😊 How are you? I'm not sure exactly why but tbh - I've been alittle worried about you ❤️ I don't think you could ever make me uncomfortable. You're allways kind and gentle. You're so sweet to offer your space OptiBear Thank you ❤️❤️

@mytwistedsoul

🥺🥺 I'm sorry for worrying you but also very thankful you care enough to worry .. not many do :') .... I never know how to answer this Soul 😮 or answer truthfully xD because I don't even know ... not doing terrible tho so that's something I guess 😅

you don't need to thank for it really, I am always glad you are here ❤

aw a homey feeling sounds really nice and I am happy you've already got your eye on a tree hihi , me would like to see when tree is up if you okiii🥰

it really does feel different being with someone rather just hearing how they are from others I am happy you gave them a chance and found they were kind and gentle and not like how others described them 💕 you deserved to be saved and cared for by your grandparents ... I'm sure it would've been nice spending more time with them and learning more things *hugs*

haha yes you do, you are amazing 🤗 it is really nice to hear you talk about her 🌈

oh god xD yes please no counting... I am anyway not a fan of math :P aren't you the sweetest ever Soul. ❤ I see you being kind and loving towards so many people ... so many people you keep in your thoughts.... so honestly it's a blessing to be considered your closest friend too and just being able to talk to you ❤ I really really appreciate you.

thankyou for the reminders and hugs, they are always needed.. brain needs to hush fr :') *hugs back tightly*

how you been Soul? How's your health now? I hope the sickness is wearing off and you're feeling vvvv better soon *sending more magical beamss* 💖

@Optimisticempath No sorries needed ❤️ but you're right - I do worry because I care. It is a tricky question for sure. I'm never sure how to answer either. Because it can change in a heartbeat. But not being terrible is a good thing. Sometimes we're maybe just here? We show up but not really into participating? If that makes sense

@NoneTheWiser

It's so nice to know that you are trying to make new and better memories

I don't remember the technical name for it but there's something like - thinking of our mind as a box filled with memories, experiences and thoughts .... when they filled with hard and negative ones it become more difficult to let new and positive ones enter ... so we need to keep making space for the negative and hurtful ones to leave the box and the new and nice ones to enter .... when we keep filling it with the good things ... there's no further space for the negatives and consequently they'll have to shrink and fade away ....idk if I explained it well 😅 but I just wanted to say that you're doing super awesome by making space for fresh positive memories and experiences and we can hope that the positivity and warmth overpowers all the bad ones 💛

So nice that you celebrated the day with family , I bet your kids make it special for you as you do for them trying your best for them 🤗

my mouth is watery now haha, soooo happy the pie turned out delicious 😄

Me... I don't really know ... feeling ok currently I think 💛 thankyou for caring.

@GoldenNest2727 I have a little something lol but please dont feel obligated to reply, you wanting to support alone means so much to me 💛 thanks for being so helpful and encouraging towards everyone always , I see you dropping kind comments in forums often and it makes me feel very happy that someone else too gets to receive your kindness 💛 many times lil bit of kindness is all people need so thanks for being vv generous about it!!

@Optimisticempath

Feel obliged? Pffft! As if I wouldn't want to respond to you. Come on, you've made my whole day! Thank you for your kind words, Empath. The funny thing is that I think the exact same thing about you. I hope you know you hold those same good qualities. ❤️

@GoldenNest2727 It really means a lot to me 💕 thanks for being so kind

@Optimisticempath

Do you feel like sharing what had you down the other day? No pressure, if not.

@mytwistedsoul

Always so kind and gentle ❤ I really appreciate this about you .... amongst many other things also 🤗 what you did makes perfect sense , sometimes it is just being here , existing... I can relate!!

smh xD so glad I'm not the only one that finds math and numbers so weird lmao

nu sorry needed too and you're always welcome to talk about whatever you like to ... I get the sticky dilemma with anxiety messing with our brain and making us second guess everything we do even if it may be a "nice" or kind thing to do .... I really like having you around even a hey or a hug from you and it makes my day , you're right that not everyone has a lot of people who keep them in their thoughts... so maybe this is the right thing to do Soul ... doing what you feel is the kind thing to do ... maybe something that you would like also? it does feel good to know someone thinks of us and cares for us ... and reminding people of that is honestly ....idc right or no ... but the best thing to do 🤗 and you're the best for doing it ... doing your bit in making someone feel valued and cared for ... you're never a pest or being too much ever ok? ik brain would make you think like that but don't allow it to ... hope it hushes and only gives you good and kind thoughts about yourself *hugs tight* ❤

omg I didn't notice the helmet enough haha thankyouu 😁 glad you like it

Me very happy you doing better physically! Sending more magical beams to make you feel even better overall ❤

*more hugs hugs hugs 🤗🤗

Nights are the worst officially.... I thought I liked them because it is when I feel calm .... outside is silent ... I am alone and can sit with my feelings.... maybe I'm wrong tho .... bcecause it is also the time when I am alone... and every little reminder of this miserable existence comes rushing.... I dont really want to be with these thoughts and feelings.... they make me feel ewww.... the inner chaos is even worse.... the inside world is more loud.... harsher too maybe... and just not somewhere I want to be in but idk ...... just want some peace fr.....

Can someone gift me invisibility cloak for Christmas?? It will be a useful gift 💀

"I fantasize the night sky to be like a cosmic blue print of my life as I close my eyes and unbutton my heart…. just in case anyone up there is listening."

@Optimisticempath Silence is beautiful when our insides match with the calm quiet outside. When there's chaos inside and the words we hear are harsh and cruel it can make a person want to just run away and disappear

@mytwistedsoul you get me 🥺 *hugs soul tight* ❤❤

@Optimisticempath *hugs Opti back just as tight* ❤️❤️

I wish there was something that I could say that would make those harsh words go away. We silence them for a while or they go quiet on their own but then it builds back up. The loud harsh words drown out any good moments we have. It's as if they plot on us waiting for just the right time to prey on anything good and squash it. You're a kind beautiful soul and you have a big gentle heart for everyone you encounter. Even with the things you struggle with you still give people encouragement and hope. Maybe we need to come up with some powerful affirmations for you? Do you think they might help? I know they can be hard to believe at the hardest times but maybe they would lower the volume ❤️

@mytwistedsoul yes Soul it is exactly as this :( and this makes me sad that you know the feeling too.... it's scary and terrible huh?😔 *hugs tight*

thankyou for every little bit of kindness you give me Soul .... it just... it makes so much difference...and I can't express how much it means to me 💕 you really have the biggest most beautiful heart ever and I'm so blessed to have you in my life 🥺 *keeps hugging

you're right again xD during the needed times brain either stops working or works against us smh idk why this is so tough :/ affirmations are nice to read sometimes and do help in feeling lil better so I'll try to come up with something .. just trying to take it one day at a time and not think too much on the same stuff... keeping busy and distracted D: ... Thanks so much for being here and supporting always Soul ... your kind words alone help a lot really ❤

*hugs* are you taking good care of yourself? how was your week?

@Optimisticempath *hugs Opti back just as tight* ❤️❤️