A Space For The Unsaid (Personal Diary)
Uh hello if anyone is reading this! 😀
I have no idea why I'm even creating this thread but i just feel it will be nice to have a place to share some thoughts or even these images on the internet that i always keep saving for myself because i relate too much but cannot share it with anyone because yes haha
I'm okay with replies here so feel free to drop by anytime ❤️
Just please be kind and respectful if your replying to my posts.
@Optimisticempath https://imgur.com/a/sN6efNz If you'd like to see some pictures of the Renn Faire - no pressure though ok?
@mytwistedsoul aw ofcourse I'd love to Soul, thankyouuuu for sharing the pictures I was too shy to ask haha :') I love these I can see some people in costumes lol it seems super fun and the different attractions and aesthetic Wow 😍😍 it feels like a different place all together? So lively and vibrant ☺💖
@Optimisticempath It really does feel like stepping into another world. The people that are really part of it talk like way back then too 🙂 it's really cool. From the King and Queen and their entourage. Even unicorns 😁
Do you have anything like that in your part of the world?
*just needed to send you a hug* ❤️
this really feels like a constant battle of thoughts and feelings .... of feelings of my own of my own thoughts and that of others, of feeling stuck in this spot where idk if if I am doing anything right at all .... of feeling xyz due to others and then not being able to really 'blame' them because when I see from their side .... it seems right... they are right to be disappointed, to think I'm a waste of space... to not care if I..... *sighhh* ... then it is so confusing if I'm letting alll of this manipulate me and gaslight me even more and invalidate everything I feel and experience...I just dont know anymore.... and no I really dont care about what's right or who's right or heck! What even is right....... I just want some peace... for this stupid brain to shut offf...for this heart to not hurt more.... just some calm moments where I don't hate myself and life and everything around .... too much to ask for always, huh?? .... :') sorry ...
@Optimisticempath Sorry I had to add my two sense in Opti ❤️ Nothing can hurt deeper than someone saying they're disappointed in us. I think we can see from other people's pov at these times because we've been conditioned to? It doesn't mean that the person that said it is right. Our brains tend to look for patterns in these things - similarities from the past? And these pesky brains latch onto similar things. *hugs Opti tight* ❤️ you're not a waste of space. I wish I could hush your brain and ease the pain in your heart. If you were truly a bad person Opti - these things wouldn't weigh on your mind so. You genuinely wouldn't care what anyone thinks but you do care - that's why it hurts so bad. I can't say don't hate yourself - I mean I really wish you didn't but I know it's not that easy either. So maybe we need to challenge those thoughts and Figure out what triggers them. Do you journal? Could you maybe write it out? The thoughts and what might be triggering them? That might help point you in a direction to work towards peace and give you a way to fight these thoughts?
I know I'm just some random person on the internet but I'm glad you're in the world
*sends good strong vibes and some powerful magic to make brain hush*
*tight hugs and much love to you Opti* ❤️
👋 I've been feeling the same way as long as I can remember, and my first memory is as a very small child so, yes.
I've explored many different healing modalities and experiences trying to find solace for myself and others, so to speak.
Right now I'm exploring the work of Gabor Mate, MD, who for 12 years treated people in Vancouver's downtown Eastside.
He found that every woman who was hooked on drugs there in those 12 years had been sexually abused.
And yet no one had ever asked these women about their past when it came to treating them.
Also, he found as a doctor that medical training doesn't cover trauma or epigenetics and is actually traumatizing.
He said ask any doctor about their training and they will say it was very hard. Because it makes them lose themselves.
And how does a traumatized person heal a traumatized person with an incomplete model of training, a symptom model?
Gabor found there's no proof serotonin helps depression, for example. That it's like saying alcohol fixes social anxiety.
Or someone with a migraine helped by a painkiller - it's like saying the migraine was caused due to a lack of aspirin.
And so he's been working on healing the whole person rather than all these other western doctors who ignore that.
@Optimisticempath
@Optimisticempath
What? It is NEVER okay for anyone to feel that you're a waste of space. Who even says something that cruel? That's pure abuse. "They" couldn't be more wrong about you! Maybe you'd feel lighter and would hurt less if you weren't being treated that way. Can you break away? Some people can't be happy unless they're stomping on someone's happiness, on someone's light. I'm sorry that's happening to you.
I don't celebrate Thanksgiving but I wanted to give my thanks to you in an effort to make you realise how much your presence and kind words mean to me 💕 smol effort by smol me hehe 🥺
@mytwistedsoul @NoneTheWiser @theriverissinging
Thankyou for being so so kind and sweet and giving and thoughtful and loving and caring and empathetic and respectful and supportive and encouraging and inspiring and helpful and vv amazing as you are 💕 I really really appreciate you for taking out the time to make me feel less alone, included, supported and cared for always 💕
I wish for all the kindness and love and happiness and peace for you in the world 💕
You don't have to reply to this 😅 I just wanted to express my gratitude and I'll keep doing it as often as I can because there's so much of it and it keeps increasing every passing moment 🥰
Happy Thanksgiving to you if you celebrate 🤗
If you do and you're comfortable sharing I'd love to hear how you celebrated and what you did 💕
If you don't no worries too , we can have our own lil Thanksgiving party here 💕
@Optimisticempath You're such a sweet person. I'm so grateful to know you ❤️ Thank you for being you ❤️ 😊
Tbh - holidays are a bit of a struggle but I've been trying to change that for the better
Just had a quiet dinner with the neighbors. Made baked corn and homemade pumpkin pies with pumpkins from the garden. Other then that it was just a quietly emotional day lol 😅
@mytwistedsoul
sometimes me hesitates to ask many questions to not seem very intruding but me wants Soul to know that they can share anything with me always 💕
holidays can be hard but I'm so glad you are trying to change it for the better , not an easy thing but maybe it's possible one holiday at a time 🤗
sounds so good to enjoy the meal with your neighbors , hope they vv nice people
I have never tried pumpkin pie hehe but fresh from the garden definitely made the pie better I can just imagine lol
emotional day :( something specific about the day made it more emotional for you?
I'm still very proud of you for trying your best at making it a nice-r holiday this time ❤
@Optimisticempath You wouldn't be intruding at all Opti ❤️
Tbh there wasn't really holidays growing up - Idk its too depressing to bring into your space here. ❤️ You're right though maybe one holiday at a time. Maybe we can put up a Christmas tree this year
They're really nice - they're an older couple. They knew my grandparents - so its nice to listen to stories
I love being able to use things we grow in the garden. It's nice seeing where the food comes from. Knowing what was done to it as it grew
Two years ago we lost a dog to cancer. She was put down on Thanksgiving day. She left a pretty big hole in my heart 😞
I don't know how to Thank You for being so thoughtful and considerate. For your kindness and gentleness. For the light you shine and the smiles you give me ❤️
*hugs you tight* much love to you OptiBear
@mytwistedsoul
thankyou for assuring that ... I would never want you to feel uncomfy or anything because of me 💕
you really are allowed to bring whatever you like or want to in this space 🤗 you're welcome when you're happy, when you're not so happy and when you're not sure how you feel --- you are welcome here always being you 💕
I like how you're being open to the idea and I'm so proud of you Soul , putting up a Christmas Tree sounds great. Plus it doesn't have to be too big or anything fancy ok? Just anything you're feeling good about should work , baby steps!
oh wow I'm sure it's fun listening to the stories, have you been close to your grandparents? (you don't have to answer ❤)
That's a very nice way to look at it, the work done on the garden fruits and vegetables is something to be proud about
oh nuuu 😔 I'm sorry to hear that Soul I get it is a difficult time for you , I see you mention your animals so often and it is evident how much you do for them, love them, care for them and treat them as family , ofcourse your beloved left a big hole .... it's like a opening where you can revisit the moments you spent with her and cherish the love ❤ I'm sure she misses you tooo and I really hope she's being treated well at the rainbow bridge, away from all the pain and misery, being surrounded with only love and happy memories of you *hugs tightly and sitting with you*
Me happy you dont know how to thank me because you dont really need to ❤ I consider you my closest friend in this place and I wuvv you and friends don't need thankyou's to be there .... 🤗 plus I hope we aren't counting cause ngl then my list of thanks for everything you do for me and everytime you make me feel so cared for would be endless 😅
so much love and many more hugs back dearest Soul 💕❤ you make me feel so happy and nice always not even kidding lol just an "optibear" from you is enough to melt my heart🥺🥰
@Optimisticempath Hey you 😊 How are you? I'm not sure exactly why but tbh - I've been alittle worried about you ❤️ I don't think you could ever make me uncomfortable. You're allways kind and gentle. You're so sweet to offer your space OptiBear Thank you ❤️❤️
There's alittle 4ft tree I've been eyeing up. So I might get that one. Not too big and not too small. It will fit in the living room nicely I think 😊 plus it might be kind of nice to have that homey cozy feeling this year
Tbh - growing up there was nothing but talk about how horrible my grandparents were. But then I lived with them when I was 15. They saved me. They were kind and gentle. They passed away a few years ago. Now that I'm older there's so many things I'd love to be able to ask them
Oh gosh! Yeah I love animals 😊 I'm better with animals then with people lol. Animals are easier for me to figure out. She was a sweet girl. A rescue too - kind of like me I guess
You're absolutely positively right we're not keeping count at all because my list of thanks to you would be astronomical. Friends love and care about one another and don't need to keep track. You're a sweet kind wonderful person OptiBear and I can't tell you how much it means to be considered your closest friend here. You're mine too tbh 😊
*hugs OptiBear tight* Much love to you Opti ❤ Be gentle with your thoughts and yourself. Tell Brain to hush with the bad thoughts ❤️
@mytwistedsoul
🥺🥺 I'm sorry for worrying you but also very thankful you care enough to worry .. not many do :') .... I never know how to answer this Soul 😮 or answer truthfully xD because I don't even know ... not doing terrible tho so that's something I guess 😅
you don't need to thank for it really, I am always glad you are here ❤
aw a homey feeling sounds really nice and I am happy you've already got your eye on a tree hihi , me would like to see when tree is up if you okiii🥰
it really does feel different being with someone rather just hearing how they are from others I am happy you gave them a chance and found they were kind and gentle and not like how others described them 💕 you deserved to be saved and cared for by your grandparents ... I'm sure it would've been nice spending more time with them and learning more things *hugs*
haha yes you do, you are amazing 🤗 it is really nice to hear you talk about her 🌈
oh god xD yes please no counting... I am anyway not a fan of math :P aren't you the sweetest ever Soul. ❤ I see you being kind and loving towards so many people ... so many people you keep in your thoughts.... so honestly it's a blessing to be considered your closest friend too and just being able to talk to you ❤ I really really appreciate you.
thankyou for the reminders and hugs, they are always needed.. brain needs to hush fr :') *hugs back tightly*
how you been Soul? How's your health now? I hope the sickness is wearing off and you're feeling vvvv better soon *sending more magical beamss* 💖
@Optimisticempath No sorries needed ❤️ but you're right - I do worry because I care. It is a tricky question for sure. I'm never sure how to answer either. Because it can change in a heartbeat. But not being terrible is a good thing. Sometimes we're maybe just here? We show up but not really into participating? If that makes sense
Lol! I'm terrible with math too! 😁 numbers are just sort of beyond me. Even with a calculator lol
You're right. I do talk to alot of people and I do keep many of them in my thoughts. Even people I don't talk to anymore still pop up on the radar I have. If they have threads I usually pop in and leave a hug and a hey lol. Sometimes anxiety says not to because I'm being a pest. If I over ride anxiety I second guess myself buuutt I second guess if I don't over ride it lol *smh* It would be great Idk if was easier to figure out the right thing to do. It's just - so many people don't have anyone to keep them in their thoughts. Sorry I talk too much sometimes 😬
I like these pictures 😊 the top kitty has a OptiBear helmet ❤️
I'm feeling alot better physically thank you for asking 😊 but magic beams are allways welcome
*leaves big hugs* ❤️❤️
@GoldenNest2727 I have a little something lol but please dont feel obligated to reply, you wanting to support alone means so much to me 💛 thanks for being so helpful and encouraging towards everyone always , I see you dropping kind comments in forums often and it makes me feel very happy that someone else too gets to receive your kindness 💛 many times lil bit of kindness is all people need so thanks for being vv generous about it!!
@Optimisticempath
Feel obliged? Pffft! As if I wouldn't want to respond to you. Come on, you've made my whole day! Thank you for your kind words, Empath. The funny thing is that I think the exact same thing about you. I hope you know you hold those same good qualities. ❤️
@Optimisticempath
Do you feel like sharing what had you down the other day? No pressure, if not.
@mytwistedsoul
Always so kind and gentle ❤ I really appreciate this about you .... amongst many other things also 🤗 what you did makes perfect sense , sometimes it is just being here , existing... I can relate!!
smh xD so glad I'm not the only one that finds math and numbers so weird lmao
nu sorry needed too and you're always welcome to talk about whatever you like to ... I get the sticky dilemma with anxiety messing with our brain and making us second guess everything we do even if it may be a "nice" or kind thing to do .... I really like having you around even a hey or a hug from you and it makes my day , you're right that not everyone has a lot of people who keep them in their thoughts... so maybe this is the right thing to do Soul ... doing what you feel is the kind thing to do ... maybe something that you would like also? it does feel good to know someone thinks of us and cares for us ... and reminding people of that is honestly ....idc right or no ... but the best thing to do 🤗 and you're the best for doing it ... doing your bit in making someone feel valued and cared for ... you're never a pest or being too much ever ok? ik brain would make you think like that but don't allow it to ... hope it hushes and only gives you good and kind thoughts about yourself *hugs tight* ❤
omg I didn't notice the helmet enough haha thankyouu 😁 glad you like it
Me very happy you doing better physically! Sending more magical beams to make you feel even better overall ❤
*more hugs hugs hugs 🤗🤗
Nights are the worst officially.... I thought I liked them because it is when I feel calm .... outside is silent ... I am alone and can sit with my feelings.... maybe I'm wrong tho .... bcecause it is also the time when I am alone... and every little reminder of this miserable existence comes rushing.... I dont really want to be with these thoughts and feelings.... they make me feel ewww.... the inner chaos is even worse.... the inside world is more loud.... harsher too maybe... and just not somewhere I want to be in but idk ...... just want some peace fr.....
Can someone gift me invisibility cloak for Christmas?? It will be a useful gift 💀
"I fantasize the night sky to be like a cosmic blue print of my life as I close my eyes and unbutton my heart…. just in case anyone up there is listening."
@Optimisticempath Silence is beautiful when our insides match with the calm quiet outside. When there's chaos inside and the words we hear are harsh and cruel it can make a person want to just run away and disappear
Sending you many hugs and peaceful thoughts ❤️
I would send you an invisibility cloak in a heartbeat if I could ❤️
@mytwistedsoul you get me 🥺 *hugs soul tight* ❤❤
@Optimisticempath *hugs Opti back just as tight* ❤️❤️
I wish there was something that I could say that would make those harsh words go away. We silence them for a while or they go quiet on their own but then it builds back up. The loud harsh words drown out any good moments we have. It's as if they plot on us waiting for just the right time to prey on anything good and squash it. You're a kind beautiful soul and you have a big gentle heart for everyone you encounter. Even with the things you struggle with you still give people encouragement and hope. Maybe we need to come up with some powerful affirmations for you? Do you think they might help? I know they can be hard to believe at the hardest times but maybe they would lower the volume ❤️
@mytwistedsoul yes Soul it is exactly as this :( and this makes me sad that you know the feeling too.... it's scary and terrible huh?😔 *hugs tight*
thankyou for every little bit of kindness you give me Soul .... it just... it makes so much difference...and I can't express how much it means to me 💕 you really have the biggest most beautiful heart ever and I'm so blessed to have you in my life 🥺 *keeps hugging
you're right again xD during the needed times brain either stops working or works against us smh idk why this is so tough :/ affirmations are nice to read sometimes and do help in feeling lil better so I'll try to come up with something .. just trying to take it one day at a time and not think too much on the same stuff... keeping busy and distracted D: ... Thanks so much for being here and supporting always Soul ... your kind words alone help a lot really ❤
*hugs* are you taking good care of yourself? how was your week?
@Optimisticempath *hugs Opti back just as tight* ❤️❤️
Oh Opti no thank you is needed. The fact that I can make a difference - that's the best part for me. I just wish you didn't have those feelings too 😞
The thing with affirmations is that you need to believe them and that's where I have the hard time. I might think ok I got this but then brain says - you know it's bulls**t right? Maybe something sort of simple affirmation? Like *I'm unstoppable* because in a way you are. Taking each day one at a time. Doing what you can to keep those thoughts away. It's not easy. And I'm proud of how hard you're trying. Keeping busy and distracting yourself. You're awesome - super awesome unstoppable OptiBear ❤️
I'm taking care of myself the best I can. The week wasn't terrible - I'm just missing alot of time lately 😕
*big big hugs* Thank you ❤️😊❤️