My father's dead

My father was never present in my life, he used to come around sometimes when I was a kid but slowly stopped to do so. I was a kid. I loved my dad, as I feel every kid does, and it hurt me so much that he stopped showing up. As a kid that registered in my mind as "my dad doesn't like me anymore" and it left so much trauma. All I wanted has a kid and growing up was a family. I wanted a father so bad. I wanted a happy family. I honestly can't even describe how much I just wanted a father. And I kept waiting for him to come back. Has I grew up I started to realise how bad of a father he actually was, and since he had pretty much cut contact himself I didn't really reach out anymore either. I accepted that I didn't have a father, even if that hurt to no end. Well around a year ago he was diagnosed with cancer. I found out through my grandmother, he didn't say a single word. Not long ago I got a text from a cousin saying he had gotten worse and they didn't think he would make it. It hurt so much that even in his deathbed he didn't care to reach out to me. Deep down I always hoped that one day he would apologize and tell me he loved me, it wouldn't erase anything and I don't even know if I'd ever forgive him but I still wanted that, to know that regardless of everything my father did love me. I figured he was too stubborn to admit he didn't treat me right, but that in his deathbed, with nothing left to lose, he would call for me and at least say goodbye. He died this Tuesday, the funeral was today. I went to the funeral. I barely knew that man, but first, I needed something to prove to me he really was dead, it made no sense that he was just gone, without a single word. Secondly there was a part of me, that unhealed child inside of me, that still very much loved him and wanted to go say goodbye, but mostly I went to say goodbye to possibility of ever having a dad, all hope was gone now, we would never make amends, I will never have a dad.

My grandmother has been really really mad at me and my brother for not visiting him this whole time, so much so she told all my family they could not tell us he died because we didn't deserve to know. A cousin of my thought that was unfair and that's why I found out and got to go the funeral. When I got there I immediately started crying so much, my grandmother came to hug me and made this big deal about me coming, and eventually we got to talking. She said she was mad at me and thought she'd never even look at me again but when she saw me walk in and crying she couldn't stay mad. Eventually she told me my father asked for me the entire time, ever since he got sick.. turns out just 3 days before he died he begged her to take "his little girl" to him, and she told him that was not possible because I didn't want to go. I wanted to go but it only made sense to me to go if he wanted me there, I was waiting and hoping he'd ask for me and I was never told he was asking for me. Has it turns out the last conversation my grandmother had with my brother was ugly and so she thought I was of the same opinion and so she was mad at the both of us and never thought to tell me anything. I don't even know what she talked to my brother about. I was caught between a mess I wasn't even aware existed. And because of that I did not get to hear what my father had to say to me and I did not get to say goodbye to my own father. I don't know if it would have changed anything but I would have gotten some closure, and maybe, just maybe, I would hear my father tell me he loved me once in my life time.

I barely knew that man. Honestly I will not miss him as a person because I feel like it's impossible to miss someone you don't know, and someone that hurt you so deeply like my father hurt me. But I am greiving the lost of a possibility of ever having a dad. And I am so deeply hurt that I was never told he wanted to see me. I didn't get to hear what he to say, I didn't get to say goodbye.

I don't even know what to do with this pain. I'm so hurt.