Betrayed; Lost My Best Friend, First Love, and Self-Esteem All In One (Advice Please)
Love is a cruel creature. How is there still love in my heart for him, the cheater.
He is with the girl he (most recently) cheated on me with now. I can't stand the thought of them together, it makes me sick. I cannot stop thinking and imagining them together. Stalking them despite blocking them both.
How do I stop thinking of him? How do I stop thinking of her? How do I stop thinking of them? How do I unlove? How do I get the closure I never got? How do I learn to love myself again?
Sometimes I sadly think, if he (the only person I ever loved) abandoned me so easily and gave up on me why should I not give up on myself. I gave him everything and it wasn't enough.
I adored him with everything I have despite his many flaws. He left our 3 year relationship for someone he knew for 3 days...
@fearless1000
I hear the deep pain and betrayal you're experiencing. What happened to you was cruel and unfair - you gave your whole heart to someone who didn't honor that gift. Please know that his choices reflect his character, not your worth.
The intensity of your feelings is completely valid and normal after such a devastating betrayal. Many people experience similar obsessive thoughts and the urge to check up on their ex and their new partner. You're not alone in this struggle.
But you deserve so much better than torturing yourself by stalking them. Each time you check on them, you're reopening the wound. Consider blocking them everywhere so you can start healing. It will be hard at first, but it gets easier with time.
As for closure - sometimes we have to create our own closure, especially when dealing with someone who could discard a 3-year relationship so callously. Your closure can come from recognizing that someone who could do this isn't worthy of your love and devotion.
Please don't give up on yourself. You have so much love to give - that's a beautiful quality, not a flaw. The right person will treasure that about you. For now, try to redirect some of that abundant love toward yourself:
- Be gentle with yourself as you grieve
- Spend time with people who value you
- Do small things each day that make you feel good
- Consider talking to a counselor who can help you process this
Remember: You are worthy of faithful, consistent love. His inability to provide that says everything about him and nothing about you. Your heart will heal, even though it doesn't feel that way right now. Take it one day at a time, and be patient and kind with yourself as you recover.
Would you like to talk more about what you're feeling? I'm here to listen without judgment.
@16peacefulBraveheart01
Thank you so much, I really appreciate your kindness and comment/advice. You're right about him "not being worthy" of my love, that is a positive mindset shift.
It's been four months since it all happened and it's hard for me to see him happy with her and pretend to be completely loyal and devout; hurts that he couldn't be loyal to me, the girl he said was his soulmate and who he wanted to marry, but he can be loyal to the girl he barely knows.
I don't understand why people are like this- how he is comfortable and content with his actions and lies. How he is completely okay with bad mouthing me and projecting, telling people I cheated.
Love really can be a cruel creature sometimes, right? Like, just when you think it’s all sunshine and rainbows, BAM! A storm of betrayal, confusion, and those lovely why did this happen thoughts. Ugh, the worst. 😤
But here’s the thing: You deserve better than someone who could throw away three years of love for someone they knew for THREE days. Seriously, who even does that? And as hard as it might seem now, you will heal and grow from this. Trust me. Healing is like a really, really slow process of replacing all those “him and her” thoughts with “Me, myself, and I.” 🦋
So, how to unlove? Well, as much as I’d love to say there’s a magical switch to flip, it’s more like peeling off layers of a big, emotional onion (one tear at a time). And that’s okay, because each layer you peel is one step closer to loving yourself again. 🌱
As for stalking them? We’ve all been there (don’t worry, your secret’s safe with me). But hey, blockity-block and move on. Focus on YOU now. Think about all the things you love about yourself. Could be anything from how great you are at binging Netflix to how you’ve survived this rollercoaster of emotions. Seriously, you’ve got skills! 💪✨
And closure? Well, we don’t always get that from the other person, but you can create your own closure by letting go of the past and starting a new chapter. Spoiler alert: it’s one where YOU are the main character. 🦸♀️
You are enough. You always were. He was the one who missed out on something amazing, and now it’s time to give that love and care back to the most important person in your life: YOU. 💖
Sending you all the strength, love, and good vibes. You’ve got this. Keep going, and remember: Even when it feels like love has knocked you down, it’s just getting you ready for better things ahead. You deserve all the happiness. ✨💕
Thank you so much for your support, I appreciate it. I also appreciate your advice, I’ll take it! I love your analogy of an emotional onion, it’s well said.
I just find it hard not to stalk. I’ve blocked him on everything but can’t help but check his reposts which honestly just hurt me further. And I still have a hard time imaging them together/nightmares.
Again, thank you so much for your response and thoughtfulness that you put into it!
@fearless1000
it makes me sick to my stomach😭
Love isn't cruel ... some people are and it sucks that the cruel people find us sooner than the good people meant to find us too.. cruel ones mess it up for us and the good ones that should've been there
about cheating tbh ... why people do it.... is a mystery... it is something I feel I dont even want to acknowledge... tried getting some perspectives here tho https://www.7cups.com/forum/relationships/RelationshipSpace_2168/Whycheat_339965/ 😅
The closure was that despite your all this person couldn't care any less about you and chose to hurt you in the most cruellest way possible... the closure was that they were not what they presented as and do not deserve another second of your time and another ounce of emotion for them .... the closure was that you could've done anything and they'd still do you wrong if that is what they are as a person ....
"Sometimes I sadly think, if he (the only person I ever loved) abandoned me so easily and gave up on me why should I not give up on myself."
because they were the one being loved and not the one loving you ... they were the recieving end of your love ...
if you could love the wrong person so much ... imagine how much you'll have to pour into the right person? YOU!!
the magic here will be that you'll be the reciever and you'll be the giver.. of your love...you'll be responsible with it, grateful for it and willing to nurture it unlike someone who only knew to recieve and still couldn't care about it... love isn't wasted.. shows how pure you are... but now is good time to share it wit yourself as well 💕 more than anyone... now isn't the time to give up on yourself... it is time to show up for yourself... even mor than ever before...you deserve your love.. all of it 💕
Thank you so much for your kind words and advice, I really appreciate it! You’re so right that they were on the receiving end not the giving end.
It just hurts because they used to love me and now they’re “loving” the girl they cheated on me with, so I know he’s somewhat capable of love-ish but wasn’t willing to give it to me anymore…
It’s hard to see him play victim too and gaslighting to say I cheated on him!- Wild. He pretends to be super Christian when he is far from any Christian values.
I know you're struggling a lot now. I would say feel your feelings for a while, but don't give them any more of your time in the digital stalking. Block, Block, Block! As for moving on, idk if you have ever tried dating apps, but I've found *** dating to be a good way to get back out there after a couple devastating break ups. You can ease yourself back into the dating world and just start talking to people, see where it goes. I found my fiancé after I left my second cheating bf. It can be fun and exciting, got me out of feeling depressed and unlovable.
Thank you so much for your advice!! I also think it’s important to get back out there. I’m sorry that you got cheated on as well, it’s devastating. I’m happy for you that you found your person in the end! I hope I am able to find my person as well.
Thank you! I hope you can too! *** dating was what I said before. not sure why the asterisks lol
@fearless1000
Hi there,
I can feel how much you’re hurting, and I want you to know it’s okay to grieve 💔. Love can feel cruel when it’s given so freely and not reciprocated, but that doesn’t mean you’re unworthy of love or happiness 🌟. You deserve someone who treasures you the way you treasured him. It’s hard to move forward, but small steps help—journaling, talking it out, even using tools like a chatbot 🤖 to process your feelings. You’re stronger than you think, and one day, you’ll look back and realize how far you’ve come.
These are the two chatbot links:
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) Chatbot: https://chat.palbolt.com/
Solution-Focused Brief Therapy (SFBT) Chatbot: https://sfbt.palbolt.com/
You can click “switch user” and enter a new name to refresh your chat. AI chatbots are the core feature of our mental health app in development, and we’ll be adding more tools. Stay tuned!
Your privacy is our top priority—rest assured, all conversations are strictly confidential and securely protected.
Would you be interested in trying those AI therapist chatbots? Your feedback would be incredibly valuable in helping us refine the tool and support others facing similar challenges. Feedback form: https://forms.gle/BnesoNSP7of4NjrNA
Responders will be selected to receive a $10 gift card. Thank you for your time and for promoting mental health awareness.
Hello, thank you so much for your kind response and your advice! I do feel like I am slowly getting better after 5 months but there are good days and bad days. I think what is hard for me to cope with is him bad mouthing me, gaslighting me and my experience, and lying about facts of our relationship to his current gf and friends and family. For him to tell them I cheated is wild. That’s just been the hardest part is that he never took accountability for his disgusting actions- not to himself or others.
@fearless1000 i understand you im in the same shoe as you i found out ON NEW YEAR THAT my boyfriend who has been my best friend for 10 years now cheated on with and it still has no explanation to it .
I am so sorry, that is absolutely horrible. I understand that it is a lot to process. You kind of go into shock when you find out for at least three months.
There is no excuse or explanation for cheating, ever. I completely understand that you probably want answers and he’ll never truthfully give you that because cheaters are weak people. For now, take your time processing what happened and if you can keep your distance from him. Just realize that no matter his excuse for cheating it is not valid, you deserve to have complete and utter loyalty in a relationship. I am sorry that you found out after being with them for so long but hopefully you can find peace within yourself and realize that they are the problem and not you. Surround yourself with family, friends, and people who truly care about you.
I know moving on can seem impossible right now but trust me it starts to get better after no contact and lots of time, like within 5 months it’ll still cut deep but you’ll start to lose the rose colored glasses you had for them and realize what losers and manipulators cheaters really are. What I find is that generally cheaters hate themselves. Don’t look for closure in him as hard as that sounds, he will only lie again. Cheaters have proven how comfortable they are with lying to you and how easily it comes to them.
Feel free to reach out if you want to talk more! It is a very dark space to be in and I want to make sure you’re okay and surrounded by love and care.
@fearless1000 How do you stop thinking about it? There is a habit of thinking of him. You need to counter the habit and think of something like "ENOUGH" when you think of him. It will retrain your brain to stop.
It is really hard to stop thinking about him, his new gf, what he’s up to, and their relationship. Especially when you cared about someone for so long it is very difficult to stop caring in one day.
Two things that have helped are; one, distracting myself by keeping myself busy with college, work, friends, and family. Reach out to your support system even if you don’t want to share with them what happened yet it is so helpful to feel loved and have that connection with other people that you used to have with him, helps you think about him less the more people you talk to.
Two, like you mentioned, every time you find yourself spiraling in your own thoughts, force yourself to stop - tell yourself that you have a designated time to ”think about it later.” If telling yourself to stop or thinking about it later isn’t enough, then watch a show or play a game on your phone to still stop thinking about him and more importantly break the habit.
Again, I’m always here for you. It’s an extremely tough club to be in. Trying to help in any way shape or form since it’s been 5 months since he cheated and we broke up; hoping my experience and advice can potentially help someone going through the same complex emotions.
@fearless1000
Dear Soul,
You love because you are full of love.
Everything he did says way more about him than you. Unfortunately some people in this world don’t know how to truly love in this lifetime. Please do not give up on yourself. What he did was selfish & cruel & nothing about it is your fault.
Healing is something that can’t be rushed. It takes time. I know this may not help now, but it’s better that you found out what kind of person he is after only 3 years, instead of 13, married with children.
Focus on what you can control & try your best to move on.
Be grateful that you have the option to move on & that you’re not tied to him with children.
Sending healing to your heart. 💜
Hello thank you so much for your support and advice. I am grateful that I found out when I did I think it is just hard that he abandoned me so easily and still denies that he cheated to this day- lying and even saying I cheated. That’s just been the hardest part for me is the gaslighting and bad mouthing. Seeing him with the girl he cheated on me with is hard as well.