a letter you'll never send...

To "?"
It is so disappointing and exhausting to speak to you about serious matters...Why is that happining ?

Dear Past Me, I’m sorry I disregarded you… I’m sorry I’ve been ashamed of you… and I’m sorry I threw you away just like everyone else did. I know we are the same - I will try to do better 💙

@EmmaE
Thank you providing us this platform. I would like to write a letter to my future self (2027)

Hey, It's me
We have achieved a lot, we have cried, we have laughed, we have fallen, we have got up, but we never lost our hope, we never gave up. And I hope you are proud of our success, our journey, our tears. I hope you are smiling and happy in your life. I always wondered how would my future be, So I hope it’s better than I imagined. Never lose hope in your journey ahead.

You accused me once of writing in places where I knew you would find it. You may have thought that but that was never what I was trying to do. If I wanted that I would have wrote in my own space. But this? This I hope you do find one day. I know I hurt you and I never meant to. That was the last thing I wanted because despite what you thought I did love you. I wanted to give you what you wanted - what you needed - what you deserved. But I wanted me to be in a better place to do that - so I wanted to work on myself.
Maybe I'm seeing everything wrong but I dont think you were seeing everything either and it felt like everything I said you turned against me. It didn't matter how I tried to explain - you had it allready set in your mind. You accused me of running hot and cold but failed to see you were doing the same. You wrote and then deleted it because it wasn't replied to. Yes - you did say you thought maybe it made me uncomfortable but you also knew how I feel about that but then you pointed out my reaction - knowing full well that would be my reaction. You all but demanded my silence about my feelings about all of this - telling me I had a therapist I could talk to about it. I tried for awhile but I figure you hate me so much allready what's one more reason? You wanted my silence because you were so worried about how you looked to anyone. I would give anything to be able to go back and stay just friends because you were my friend first. My best friend. You ghosted me and that said alot. That I wasn't even worth knowing as a friend. But yet you claimed to care. You never gave me the chance to say good bye - to get some form of closure. What better way to get back at me for any hurt I caused you. You're entitled to feel how you feel but so am I and we don't have to agree on any of it.
Despite knowing all this - seeing sides I never thought I would - I still miss you some days. I want good things for you and I hope you find the happiness you deserve
Now - I'll regret writting this - because I know it will make you so angry and maybe I shouldn't care about that but I do but I'm trying to move forward - I'm trying to get better - to be a better person. I'm trying to find my worth and to like myself alittle bit more then I have in the past months and I realize that your approval is neither required or desired - not anymore. I need to learn to be my own person and damn what ever consequences or retaliation that brings
*me*
Sorry for length

Brightest Star- How can I forget you when you shine so bright? It isn't that you are perfect, just that the person you are beckons my soul. You wanted me to move on, and so I have tried. But all the others don't fit me, and certainly not the way you did. You put in your best effort, that I don't doubt. You know I did the same, too. But I just wasn't as developed as I should have been, and that made it very challenging for you. But you like challenges, don't you? Yet, not the one I gave you. I've grown, truly I have, still have more growing to do. But, the thing is, everything... everything in this life reminds me of you, of us. I do my damnedest to put thoughts of you away, but those thoughts have a life of their own. Why...why should they thrive when I have intellectually closed them off? What seems true is that my soul wishes to be near yours. And because the soul is the very essence of who we are, is it any wonder that mine tosses about unsettled, still craving its mate? I'm sorry, so damn sorry that I ruined our first go...can you really not offer us another try?

This is a great idea, one that my counselor has suggested. He also suggested the "empty chair" where you talk to a chair as if a person you can't talk to in real life is there. (You can do this with or without some other person in the room. Sometimes having someone hear what you want to say is better than keeping it bottled up when you can't really say it to the person you want to.)

Dear someone special
I really wish I hadn't met you. Yes, we did have a lot of fun times together but the not so fun ones were so much more. You've destroyed me, mentally. You hurt me over and over again, but I kept coming back. I always promise myself that I'll leave and cut off contact, but I miss you and all the fun times we had and I kept coming back. I guess it was because you were the only one who listened to me. I was fine before I met you, and then I started sh and the self hatred got worse, and now I've possibly ruined my future. My mind is an extremely dark place. I can't get out of it, and yet I keep coming back to you just for that short duration of happiness before you hurt me again. I'm tired. I used to be someone who didn't feel much, and now every emotion is so intense... it's overwhelming, especially the negative emotions. It's like my emotions control me now. You are a good person, I guess we weren't good for each other. And I do have a lot I gotta work on now. Things have gotten worse now. I wanna text you because you make me so happy sometimes, but I'm afraid you'll say something that'll hurt me and make me cry and sh. I afraid of what you'll say. But I miss you. I'm tired of feeling broken. Sometimes I think it isn't possible to feel worse, but you prove that wrong. I haven't texted you in a while now and I'll try my best to continue that. You won't miss me, I'm certain of that. I'll come back when I'm okay, or atleast a little bit better.

To my future and past selves:
Hey. I know that feeling. That feeling when you get overwhelmed but have to make everyone believe that you're truly fine. That feeling you get when someone replies to your message too early. That feeling you get when a task needs to be done and you have no motivation, yet you're terrified of what may happen if you don't do it. That feeling you get when your emotions are put behind others. When you go back and lock the door to your room only to cry the moment you collect your thoughts. When you have to go back and check that the door is locked so that no one will know that you're crying. When you wish someone would recognize that the smile, laughter, and emotions you put on everyday are emotionally draining. When you wish someone would look past your bubbly "personality" and see the true pain and hurt in your eyes. When they do, and you just shrug it off. When they do and you still insist that you are fine. When life seems to be too much, yet nothing at all. When all you can feel is numb. When all you can feel is hurt and sadness, you start to question whether the laughter and fun times you've spent with people was really who you are, or just a masquerade you put on to prove to others that you're fine. To prove to yourself that no one will want to listen to you. To prove to yourself that you are okay, when you really never were. It'll never be okay, but it'll be alright. You'll get through the hardships, confusing emotions, and anxious thoughts just like you always have. No matter what they tell you, always pursue what has worked in the past. Continue pouring your emotions into art, continue listening to music to drown out the real thoughts that scare you. Do whatever you can to make yourself believe that you're okay. It won't help in the long run, but you'll be able to find some relief even if it isn't a short amount of time. Eventually you will have to open up to people. Eventually you will have to acknowledge those scary thoughts and feelings. Eventually you will have to show a side of you that might be a shock to those closest to you. Eventually you'll have to tell yourself that "I am not okay. I may never be okay. Being 'okay' isn't my goal. But I must accept the fact that being 'okay' in this world is almost nearly impossible." You'll have to realize that this world isn't meant for you, but that doesn't mean you aren't meant for this world. The world is a scary place but you will pull through, even when it seems it's all against you.
Much love, me (present)

Hey,
It's been 2 years but I can't seem to get passed how things ended. I never meant to end it, I never meant to push you away. I got scared and I didn't want to hold you back in life. We want such different things in our future, so why can't I accept that it's better this way? I still think about how patient you were with me, how you drove me home after a late night study session, how you would stop dead at every stop sign, standing still for much longer than needed, just so that the short ride wouldn't end, how you sat with me through the tears when my grandfather passed away, how you were there for me when the program got cut and I didn't know which way was up or down. I'll never forget our adventures to Berkeley, the walks along the levee, the sunsets at the field, the bike rides to the cinema. That last hug still lingers and I wish I had never pulled away.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry for so many things. All I can say now is thank you. Thank you for the time we had together, for always respecting my boundaries, for being the perfect gentleman, for encouraging me in my walk with God, for being my number 1 supporter on the field and in the classroom, for helping me through the most difficult periods of my life, for being you. I hope you find the person who will support and love you and will walk with you.
- your hockey girl

To him

I feel eyes on the back of my fingertips writing these words with the knowledge you've died. You existed long ago,

In a lonely time where people suddenly shared my interests. You existed in the same loneliness and we clung to one another and dreamt while fighting. I'd like to say that I was stupid- I was just stubborn.

You were abusive. I could go on about how, but it makes little difference. You wanted something badly too. A stability that your home life did not offer. It seems at some point you gained that. You did really fucked up shit in our relationship. I have anger over that at myself for allowing anyone to have that level of control over my life. You filled my head with stories and I watered them with my own creativity.

Our relationship is over and you are no longer a threat to me, or anyone. I hope those who loved who you find peace and support, or have found a way to cope with your passing.