a letter you'll never send...

Thanks for this, I’ve sorta needed it.

To my dear friend,

Weve parted ways, and it’s all my fault. I accept that now. I accept you left me, I accept you don’t need me, and I accept you put yourself first, even when it hurt you. You say it’s okay, maybe we can talk one day, but I’m cradling myself in self loathing and regret, for hurting you. I’m sorry I did this, I’m sorry. I never meant to hurt you, I never meant to make you cry. I never meant for you to see me as the person you do now. I know I’m horrible, I know. And you’re someone I’d give anything for. But deep down I know I can’t change. Not now, maybe not ever, but not now. And for that, I’m sorry. You deserve a boy who will love and cherish you, someone who will hold you tight. Someone who will laugh with you and keep you safe. I was selfish to think you were the problem. I thought you were the problem, and I loathed it. But the problem lied with me. I depended on you to save me from my hell, and when you didn’t, I was mad. I was so fucking mad, and cruel. Because you couldn’t help me yet I couldn’t help myself. I remember those letters you sent me, your plans, your gifts, I miss your smile, your laugh, your Smokey green eyes. I miss when your laugh on call, your cheeks growing pink like roses. I was cruel and unforgiving, I harmed you and now you’ve left. You say it’s only temporary, but I know it isn’t. You’re on, living your life with others to make you laugh. I wish I could’ve been a better person for you. I wish I could’ve made you feel adored, I wish I could’ve loved you as much as I expressed it so dearly to others. And I’m sorry to my former partner, who faced the same treatment of my poor judgement. You left sooner than he did, yet I’m not angry. I deserve to be alone, and I know this better than anyone. Wherever life may take you, I hope you’re joyous. I hope you smile, waking up next to someone who will greet you with hugs, someone who will talk with you and goof around, someone who will help you face your battles one swing at a time.

someone who could be the person I never will.

thank you for two years of friendship, you’ll never be forgotten. I’m sorry.

im proud of you,

take care of your cats, every single one you cherished so dearly.

Find your own flower to prosper with you, grow with you

You deserve the world.

Im not it.

With love, from you one and only,

-Ender.

Dear you,

I'm sorry. I am leaving today.. I tried my hardest to make this work. I've stayed up nights waiting for you to text back, cried for days blaming myself for your lack of response and careless behavior or tried to understand how u are truly feeling

Why wouldn't you speak up?

Were you scared? Did I ruin it?

If i did something wrong why didn't you tell me?

Whenever i brought u up, you ignored it. I've tried desperately to figure out a way to fix this mess. But I realized I cannot. I give it up. I will always appreciate your compassionate behavior, your sweet words, your careful gestures and more. But I cannot let you pull the strings of my heart anymore.

I'm done being played with...I'm done trying to figure the situation out. I don't want to be a puppet being toyed with mg emotions, I came to realize I do deserve more than that. I deserve to be loved fully, I deserved to be caressed and appreciated I deserve a full commitment. I deserve it. I don't deserve to be ignored or brushed off or used.

Thank you. I'm gonna go be happy with myself for now. Figure myself out take time for myself just like You've been doing this entire time.

Im gonna go be happy.

@EmmaE

Dear Mom,

I know we had a rough few years when i lived with you. But mainly you had rough years your whole life. I just wanted to say I loved you no matter what even though you were an addict you tried. I was shown all sides of the world because of you. I was shown how hard it was to survive being homeless I was shown how life can be when you dont have enough money i've seen the drugs ETC. i know it was hard for you when dad got arrested but im 17 now and i havent seen you since i was 8. I wish i couldve seen you again before you left us all too soon you were only 41 turning 42 this year. and i grew up without you but i always had a dream to meet you again when i was 18. Now that dream wont happen till im gone. I cant wait for your birthday bc we'll spend it together this year bc our birthdays are a day apart but we will be together but not in a way i wanted it to be. I'll love you always and forever "I'll love you to the moon and back" love you mom. RIP Jamie L. Martin Dec 4th 1981-Feb 5th 2022....You've now escaped from your demons

and i promise i'll find dad for Me, You and Chloe,Serenity and Dominic for all of us

Dearest AHM,

The you I fell in love with all those years ago doesn't exist any more. I loved who and what and just everything that you were and everything that you weren't. I was sorta foolish and love struck, I think you were too. We just didn't know how to coexist, we just didn't know how to trust one another. We'd both been badly hurt in our own ways and we both truly needed each other we just couldn't learn to connect. The feelings were mutual, even though you disagreed. I've apologized to you multiple times and you've said that its lost its meaning, I've apologized to myself. I want to apologize to the child you and me. I was the only one you would come to when you were scared; I saw you scared multiple times. We were both such children. You were such a brat. You never really let me say goodbye because you didn't want to. And then you come back and you aren't you anymore and it isn't fair. I hate the new you and I've said goodbye. But the old you, I preserved but it's time to say goodbye because you don't exist and you are taking up so much space and energy. Before I say goodbye, I'd really like my old poetry that you were supposed to keep watch over, I'd like my pirate shirt back and everything else you can keep or trash. So I really miss your laugh, you should hear your new laugh, it's shit (don't know how it changed so much but it did). You didn't really grow-up, you just got worse and boring and a lot less passionate. I'd like to think you'd agree that the new you sucks. There's so much I'd like to tell you and show you. And music ... You are just awesome and I fucking love you. I wish I could say that I wish you were still here, but I don't want you here. It's bittersweet. I will hold on to all the positive memories, you loved to hold onto the painful ones, the new you does too. I raked myself through our painful memories enough, I've forgiven myself. So now I'm going to take the liberty and say that you too finally forgive me. You are persevered in my mind after all. I love everything you've taught me, which makes up a lot of who I am today. I hate all the negative shit that you said and it stuck to me. Just thanks so fucking much for the good and bad. Maybe in another life time? We were pretty awesome together when we weren't trying to destroy each other. Alright, so now begins the dissolve of you ... All the negative you said wasn't true, you just wanted me to hurt because you were scared and I hurt you accidentally until I didn't. I still have a lot of your stuff and it's difficult to get rid of, ugh I hate you. Alright, so adios. Goodbye. You gotta go now.

Hugs and fucking kisses,

<3Moon

Dear Sonia,

Look at how far you've come! I know that life hasn't turned out the way that you expected or wanted, but you have achieved so much. You are so hard on yourself all the time. You always make others your priority while putting yourself on the back burner. it is great to want to help others, but please also remember to make time for yourself as well. You can't help anyone if your tank is on empty. Remember to find joy in the little things. Take time to just breathe. Life can be tough, as you have learned. But you have also learned that you can be strong in the face of adversity. Remember where you came from. Remember all that you have overcome. Be proud of yourself. Each and every day.