a letter you'll never send...

Dear Past Me,

I'm so proud of you for all that you have done! You have been through so much and although I know back then it seemed like there was no light at the end of the tunnel, look at you now. Time will always heal and those strong, negative emotions will always one day come to an end.

You're doing great,

Present me

@EmmaE

its been long, Emma :) thank you for this^^

I don’t think I’ll ever send this to you but I’m sorry for being the way I am. I don’t know if I should be angry at you or feel bad for you. I can’t hate you. I know you’re disappointed in me but i just want you to know I’m trying to be better everyday. I am trying to give you the love you deserve but I’m just failing. I can’t help but feel sad whenever I look at you. You didnt deserve any of that. You still don’t. I’m so sorry I failed you. I am so sorry.

I’m sorry I’m not better. I’m sorry I bothered you. I’m sorry your best friend is broken.

Why is it that I can never get support from you? Everyone deserves moral and spiritual support. It is the job of a decent human being to help others. Everyone needs the same things in life. Education, a career, family and friends. Who am I supposed to go to support for; myself? If you didn't want to support me, why did I have to put it together because you just weren't there for me when I needed it? What do I do now? Is it my fault I haven't accomplished the things I wanted to in my life or is it your fault? What were you thinking why did you have to treat me this way?

I want to tell myself that, I found that with depression, one of the most important things you could realize is that you’re not alone. Yes, I am not alone … I have people who love and care about me around me that I should be grateful for. They might not help me enough but they gave me my space to allow me rethink of what I’m doing.. but yes they never left me. Also, they made me release that they are true people who loves me on my bad before my good. If anyone found those people in their life please take care of them… they are treasure.

All the shine of a thousand spotlights, all the stars we steal from the night sky, will never be enough
Towers of gold are still too little, these hands could hold the world but it'll never be enough for me.

Sometimes, all I think about is you, Late nights in the middle of June, Heat waves been fakin' me out, Can't make you happier now.

Andrew, I loved you so much, with every fiber of my being. I know I never told you, but I think you knew we aren't meant to be. I have thought of you often these last 4 years and I may love you forever, sweetheart. I hope that you find happiness as you go forth in life. I'd never loved anyone before I met you, thank you for everything.

Dear Past Me,

I know you do not think you'll make it through. But I promise you that you will. You always look back and say remember when I thought I never would get through that? You'll always find a light at the end, and will push through any obstacles in your way. Will it be easy? Absolutely not. But never impossible. You can find your happiness. It will not just come to you. But you will find it. Remember your happiness is what is important before everything else. Always look out for yourself no matter what. Your mind and body are your temple.

Love,

The current version of yourself still figuring it out :)

I believed you for 13 years and now it's over. I sacrificed my career and followed you and agreed to keep the house and take care of all things home so that you could focus on your job. I took care of you through all your violent rages and experienced stress with your numerous suicidal attempts and ideation moments. we married twice and you said in February that you would marry me 100 more times. we both were emotional immature and both contributed to a codependent relationship that was not thriving since the beginning of the pandemic. this is when the stuff gets hard, this is when your vow for better or worse is to be honored. I told you I needed to take some time to get myself back, to be a whole person again, to fill my cup and break the cycle of disfunction that I was contributing to in our relationship, to work on me and stand up tall once again. you said you would do the same. we would then be standing tall once again and find some relationship counseling for us to move forward in a healthy way moving back towards the interdependent relationship we wanted. you left before my trip was to begin and said you needed time....then you told me the day I left and the day you returned that you wanted a divorce. you have continued to pressure me for the 4 weeks I've been gone...the 4 weeks that you said - hey don't worry there is no hurry, I'm not going to serve you any papers when your away. there is time. you won't explain or talk to me about this. it's just done. all you have to say is that what ever is wrong with you may take years to fix and your not interested in doing any of it. you don't have to explain your self to me. you want a divorce now. it all makes me so mad. your lack of integrity - your inability to honor your vows - your lies - your lack of compassion and grace for me as I have always been your biggest supporter, your biggest advocate - all to my demise. as I now go forward - I know I will be ok. I will be better than ok. I no longer will have to hide myself, or carry your stress, or deal with whatever it is I dealt with for you because not dealing with it would just have your flip into a rage. you accuse me of increasing your cortisol levels...darling - do some work. your shit is yours. look in the mirror and figure your shit out. your lack of control increases your cortisol levels...however you ever react is yours. and now I no longer have to be a part of it...although I'm experiencing my world being blown apart...it's actually brighter than the world I just left with you. good luck with not doing any work for yourself. and please continue the pattern that I knew about from your last 2 relationships....if anything your consistent. peace

I love this idea! I will do this when I can sit down and reflect . Thanks for this 🙏

@EmmaE

For some, writing is a very good way to express not only your feelings but yourself as well.

I appreciate you making a post such as this one.❤️