My 7 Cups Dream Journal
Entry 1: The Boxes of Cats
It was a little strange but what I remember most is visiting a house that was in my old neighborhood that I’d recently moved from (it really wasn’t, so dream logic) but I came back to collect something I left or my mother left.
It was very sad and the people who were there now were sort of okay with me wandering around and looking. I kept noticing the signs that I’d once lived there (painted over places that still revealed chipped paint and stuff I recognized from my apartment).
Then I looked beneath a couch or table and found boxes full of kittens. Two boxes were full of meowing kittens in water that the new home owners had no idea were there, and one more box held a very dead cat that was an older one from a previous litter. All of the kittens were starving without their mother and I knew that it was the reason why the older one passed.
The new owners suddenly smelled the dead cat and I took it upon myself to get rid of it. When I came back an hour later all of the kittens were gone, and when I was walking past another house I could see all the kittens. They’d all grown up into adult cats!
Not being able to post here probably made that all even worse.
Cleaning is allowed to be something that brings you peace even if you injure yourself while doing it (you can injure yourself doing anything). I also praise you highly for setting boundaries with your mom. I am sorry if your therapist didn't focus on that enough. I am also sorry that your aunts continue to not understand your needs.
I can imagine that it all feels pretty lonely and tiring right now. I am going to be slightly with your therapist on the gaming group though. You do deserve to be less lonely and spread your friend circle just a little. But take it slow and when you are ready for it. But if the gaming group doesn't feel good, maybe a library reading group would be worth a try.
Remember that therapy appointments are often tough, especially right during and after them. Then a few days later you begin to feel a little looser and more at peace. I am hoping that will happen for you here. I continue to be impressed by your strength.
Still struggling a bit from my end. My stress levels are really high as I watch those around me struggle. I also don't know about my job because we still aren't allowed back on campus.
That’s true. I agreed to begin blocking my Thursdays for gamers group to at least try. I’m thinking of emailing my job developer and rescheduling my appointment on a day that isn’t a Thursday.
I’ve gotten a little more laundry done and I made grilled cheese sandwiches and beans for dinner; the big trouble was I had a hard time opening the can with an old can opener, dropped it on the floor while it was partially opened and needed to clean up all the bean juice that got everywhere, and ended up cutting my finger on the can lid while finishing opening the thing. My finger is okay for now and is clean and bandaged and dinner was okay.
Now I’m resting and getting ready to brush my teeth.
I’m so sorry that your stress is so high. I’m sorry about your neighbors too. I’d hope that you’d get to eventually go back or teach remotely like on Zoom or something.
I am going to admit not being in a particularly good spot myself this evening. This last week has been so, so brutal in terms of the level of suffering that I have seen. I now have to teach online until late October like we did during COVID because our school got hit very hard. My church has also been destroyed. I am trying very hard to do something kind every day for someone really impacted by the storm so that I don't feel hopeless or out of control of my own destiny. I know that only in controlling my own emotions rather than letting any other people or circumstances control them is the only way forward. But it is tiring and hard sometimes, just like it is for you. I really have to refuse to go down the depression spiral by actively doing things. My own activity is my saving grace.
I am glad that you were able to do lots of good activity today even if you ended up with an injury. I hope it heals quickly. It does remind me though about what you said yesterday about your therapist disagreeing that cleaning could be a form of self care for you. You said she was focused on the fact that you injured yourself while cleaning. Well now you injured yourself while preparing food. So isn't eating also a form of necessary self care? Would she also ask you to stop that? Obviously not. Injuries happen. Yes, you need to go slower. But that's okay. You get there eventually.
This month I have a turtle as my computer background. It is reminding me that slow progress is still progress. It is for you too.
@integrityblues
I like the idea of slow progress. I just spent the last few hours balancing my checkbook and deciding what I’m going to do with what little money I have left after bills and rent and paying for my ID renewal. I put 10 bucks on my Starbucks card and need to get a new brush since the last snapped while I was brushing my hair last week (I’ve been using just the bristled part that fits in my palm to brush my hair).
I’m going to go to gamers group but maybe leave early. I’ll get the hair brush, put some money on my laundry card so I can wash the things that won’t fit in my little washer at home, and get some lunch.
please be kind to yourself too as you offer kindness to others.
The gaming group and the hair brush sound like a good combination for the day. I am glad that you were able to balance your check book and do a little planning. Some small victories.
My day was okay. There wasn't tons of new bad news. I was able to help another friend move a truckload of her house stuff that they were able to save from the storm into storage. Little bits each day like the slow progress of the turtle. @integrityblues
@integrityblues This dream seems like it carries a lot of emotions tied to change, loss, and a sense of responsibility. The house, once yours, represents a part of your life that feels distant yet familiar, perhaps something you’ve moved on from but still holds significance. The kittens symbolize vulnerability or something fragile in your life that you feel responsible for. The older dead cat could signify the passage of time, loss, or the consequences of neglect. Watching the kittens grow into adult cats may reflect hope or the realization that things can still flourish despite challenging circumstances. How do you feel after having this dream?
I’m so exhausted. Earlier today I accidentally left my cane at home when I left to get coffee and prescriptions. I stumbled around but my balance was good enough to stay upright- I was just so very sore once I got home with all of it and lunch.
I took such a long break but finally went outside to take care of the trash cans that needed cleaning. Every single one smelled awful so I soaked and soaped the trash cans and recycle bins, hosed the property and paid special attention to my other neighbor’s stoop with soap water and scrubbing with my broom.
I came back inside to clean up the cat water bowl I accidentally dropped into the muddy flowerbed and refill it with more water.
I drank two bottles of water on my break then left to go to Target to pick up my orders of mouthwash, rubbing alcohol, a hair brush and more floss picks. I also got a cheap thing of sour watermelon gummies as a reward for all my hard work today.
I took another shower then soaked my sore feet in warm water with Epsom salts.
I’m hoping to get a big load of laundry done and do some shopping with my food stamps tomorrow.
I dreamt about my mom and younger sister. We were living in an unfamiliar motel and they kept following me around as I was stocking up on snacks so I could hang out in the motel room and watch cable TV, but they just kept trying to tell me horrible news and I wasn’t very interested. They kept telling me that something bad would happen to me if I was alone.
Its interesting because I had my call with my mother yesterday and she revealed that my younger sister had been staying there for days or a week and I kept stumbling over asking how my sister was doing (because I don’t want my mom to tell me all the bad news but my sister has also been making other *** accounts to friend me after I muted her other account on messenger) and my mom said things were copacetic. So I pretty much only spoke about the dog and my mom and what was going on with me.
I woke up to an email warning me that my electric bill was late which freaked me out because I thought that we were getting our climate credit this month. I ended up canceling an Amazon order I made yesterday that hadn’t shipped yet so I could pay the electric bill today. I might be able to pay my other bills and not bounce those checks like last month since my travel funds should come between the 22nd and 25th and I’ll deposit it that day and cross my fingers.
I’ll ask my aunt who goes to Costco if she could get me the Vitamin B2 I just canceled.
Lots of little things in there but it sounds like you are managing them fairly well.
I am glad that you survived the call with your mom without spiraling into their drama too much.
It sounds like you worked hard but in a good way. The bill thing sounds stressful, but you did okay in trying to figure it out.
How are you doing taking care of yourself eating wise?
Sorry my message is a bit short. We are due to get hit with a second hurricane in the middle of the week. I am very, very anxious about it and the panic attacks have started back up. Doing my best to manage everything by trying to help others. But it is brutally hard right now.
I managed to go grocery shopping today with my food stamps. I could have gotten better things to eat but I did have a nice turkey sandwich.
I rested today and got my laundry together so I can wash it tomorrow morning. I have a drs appointment on Monday that I’ll go to in the afternoon and maybe when I get home I’ll try and look into whether my insurance has approved my wisdom teeth removal.
For now I’ll brush my teeth, floss, and lay back down.
Don’t apologize about the length of the message, I know that things are stressful right now. Don’t worry so much about answering mine, please focus on yourself and do whatever you must to prepare for the hurricane and be safe.
Eh, I did the grown up thing and finally called my dentist office to ask about my coverage for the upcoming procedures (they didn’t get it and we just made the appointments for cavity drilling and filling and the wisdom teeth removal).
I’m getting the cavities treated this Friday. The wisdom teeth have to come out on my birthday, the only day that the specialist is coming in so I’m not going to have a fun Halloween.
After reaching out to my aunts both basically said they couldn’t do anything aside from maybe an Uber if it wasn’t too pricey. Then suggested my cousins help to only text back that it wasn’t going to be possible either. I said fine, that I was talking to my best friend about it, but my aunts were still adamant that I should be able to make a three minute trip home myself (it’s 15 minutes on foot) but the dentists office won’t let me get it done unless I have someone to drive me home due to the general anesthesia being used.
I think they won’t let me go alone because of the liability; me fainting while walking home or some other thing. My friend who still has plans for Halloween said that she didn’t like the idea of me getting into a strangers car while possibly loopy on the meds, so she said she’d work something out and get me home.
I did all this while doing a massive load of laundry, then because everything took so much time between the work and all the back and forth texting I had no time to eat or shower before my drs appointment in the afternoon.
I made it there fine. My appointment was okay, my blood pressure was pretty good, and I have to give them a sample to do a routine test for h. pylori. Ugh, I’m just so tired!
I didn’t even have the energy to walk up to the stray cat we all love so much. I’d spotted him across the street from my house, napping beneath a car. I told myself that it was best to let the little guy sleep since I had a nice experience petting him the day before.
Sending lots of peace. I can mainly just let you know that I saw your message and I am thinking about you at this point.
We are still awaiting the storm and the news doesn't look good. My panic is quite high. I am hoping a therapy appointment tomorrow will help. @integrityblues
I’m thinking about you too. I caught the news on YouTube about that storm.
When I’m experiencing a lot of anxiety or stress I like to put my energy into planning and preparing what I can.
Having an emergency kit ready (first aid kit, flashlight and batteries, bottled water, and non perishable food). Also a whistle?
Keep your phone charged and keep the charger where you can find it. Prepare a bag you can sling over your shoulder on the way out to your evacuation zone. A change of clothes, your prescriptions, and important personal docs in a waterproof container or ziplock.
I hope your therapy appointment helps.
Thanks for all the good advice. To live where I live is to live in a constant state of being prepared. At the moment, I would like to live where there are tornados or earthquakes that you can't prepare for. This constant feeling of "Have I done enough" for multiple days in a row is really draining. In some ways the wait is worse than the storm itself.
We are staying and should be safe. But we could be without power or internet for a bit. But after two weeks of either being in pre-storm or post-storm mode, all the while wondering if my place of work will ever be able to reopen is making me sick. @integrityblues
Two weeks of pre and post storm sounds extremely stressful and I can see how the difficulties reopening your job is weighing on your mind.
I was able to take my sample to my drs and drop it off at the lab. As I was on the way home my friend texted to say it turns out she wouldn’t be able to drive me home from the dentist on my birthday; she’s had a Halloween party planned and has tickets for something and wanted to know if I could reschedule for the beginning of November when she’s free. That or check their policy on Uber to see if she could send me a ride when I was done.
I said I didn’t think I could because the office wouldn’t let me choose a day that wasn’t on my birthday but I said I would call and ask. I was really upset the whole bus ride home because these plans falling through make me feel awful since no one could help.
I stopped at the pharmacy for some medicine to treat acidity in my stomach, got a free taco and free ice cream cone off the Taco Bell/McDonalds apps, and got home safe I made the call just to learn I was right.
The specialist needed for the procedure only comes once a month and since it isn’t even the middle of October they don’t know what that day will be in November yet. They also don’t allow clients to use any Uber or Lyft or taxi to go home after the appointment is over, I have to have a friend or family member arrive with me and wait to take me home. I canceled the Halloween appointment so I could reschedule later on. I told my friend and aunts about the change. My friend said that she’d be able to take me in November but I’m keeping my aunts in the loop as a backup in case something goes wrong.
I took a nap that was several hours long only to wake up with a burning acidic throat and took my first Omeprazole will the rest of my evening meds.
I’ll have my Zoom appointment with my job developer tomorrow and go shopping for food and some stuff to prepare for my birthday.
I would have posted about my dream but I woke up from it suddenly when I got a video call on *** messenger from my mom. I answered and instead saw my younger sister on the screen but couldn’t hear her.
I turned up my volume, checked that I wasn’t muted, then hung up to chat at her about what was wrong. I thought it was an emergency since she must have taken our mom’s phone and used her apps to call at 3:30 a.m. so told her I couldn’t hear her and to call 911 instead.
She replied that she wanted to know if what she was experiencing was real and that from my reaction and the look on my face she was unrecognizable. She said she didn’t steal from mom and didn’t mean to scare me and that non emergency people are trying to steal her identity.
I told her to answer the phone and she used the messenger phone again that I can’t hear her through. I asked her to tell me what was wrong and why did she think people were trying to steal her identity?
She refused and said she wouldn’t tell me unless I showed my face.
I said that I live alone and already explained that I couldn’t hear her.
She tried to give advice about how to access permissions and it took me almost 20 minutes to realize that I’d given microphone permission on messenger and that it was likely she was muted or something else was wrong.
She said that she was tired and I should lock my doors, check my shower and tub and closets, and hide our father’s ashes.
I told her that our father was safe at our aunt’s house and I was safe too because I lock my doors. I asked her why she couldn’t call through mom’s phone not using the app but she never answered.
I’m too awake to really go back to sleep and I’m already thinking of washing just enough dishes to eat cereal for breakfast.
I’ll take a nice hot shower and get ready for gamer’s group but before I leave I’ll try and call my mom again and see if anything is wrong.
I called my mom this morning and my younger sister was in the background throwing a fit about her toothbrush (that it wasn’t where she put it and claimed my mom hid it from her) and started arguing with my mom and me about how she has nothing why can’t it stay in one place, she wonders how it must be to have your own clothes and shoes, and of course I don’t want to hear her ask about who really killed our father…the answer is our dad, in a public park, where he overdosed on the drugs he was taking but she still won’t believe that.
I think she was using again or was experiencing some psychosis, but it didn’t make it easier to hear her blame the rest of us for keeping it together and taking care of ourselves or getting help from others.
When I reiterated that our father’s remains were safe at our aunts she swore that our aunts were witches. She also took great offense over an expression our mom occasionally uses. ‘Don’t take any wooden nickels.’
I’m so tired.
Remember to not be part of those conversations for too long. Limit them whenever you can by hanging up. Yes, your sister sounds like she is experiencing some psychosis. Just do the best you can to make sure your mom is safe, but even there your resources are limited. @integrityblues
I dreamt that I was walking and attempting to smoke cigars with my best friend. It probably was drawn from a memory of us and another friend trying grape flavored cigarillos plus the fact I had a nice long talk with her yesterday because of the new family drama.
I called my mom to see how she was doing this morning since she can’t call out because Spectrum won’t let her pay her mobile bill with cash.
My mom says she’s doing okay and my sister is fine. I just wanted to make it clear to her that I’ve not blocker her, I’ve just blocked her and my sister’s *** accounts from sending me messages or calling on messenger because I don’t want to be woken up at 3 in the morning again with drama. She’s okay with that.
We spoke a little more but she really had to go outside to smoke a cigarette even though she has a horrible “pollution” cough that I think is really just COPD or a cold.
I’m going to brush my teeth then head out to the dentist so my cavities can be drilled and filled. I’ll take the bus from there to pick up some soft stuff to eat while I’m waiting for the numbness to go away. If I’m feeling better after I’ll do my Friday trash day chores while listening to music or an audiobook.
I hope you’re doing okay, bestVase!
My dental appointment was only okay. The cavity drilling hurt a lot more than I was expecting. I was numbed well but there were parts when they would dig in or press down on one of the teeth and the pressure was so painful! They thought it was one of the other tools and with a block in between my teeth I tried to specify why the tool with the red light hurt / how the person had to dig it in for the filling to be set with the UV light. It doesn’t hurt now when I bite down but it’s definitely sore on that side of my mouth. The person who was trying to talk to me about additional treatments I can’t afford suggested I could have an abscess and I almost lost it.
The worst part was when the dentist began messing with my mouth in front of another person to demonstrate why I need braces because I have a big overbite that was never treated along with my TMJ and every other thing wrong about my mouth.
Then I was pressed about the special treatment not covered by my insurance that costs over a thousand dollars for my stage two gingivitis and why I haven’t done it yet.
I told them that I’m not making anywhere near the amount of money I’d need to feel comfortable attempting that treatment or think about braces. I don’t want braces, I really don’t and it doesn’t matter how I keep saying it they keep forgetting or not writing down in my file.
I don’t want them to take out a credit card for future stuff and allow me to do the treatments and pay them off in segments with interest.
So I said I’m trying to get a job and if that happens and I make enough money, I’ll think about it. But I can’t think of anything else now aside from my cavities and my wisdom teeth.
Ugh.
You are right not to let them pressure you. You do what you can for now. @integrityblues
I am okay but we have no internet, no electricity and no clean water. I am hoping to be back on soon and actually read messages but it may be a few days.
I’m glad to hear that you’re okay, bestVase. Please take all the time you need.
I am back on internet with power finally. But the last week has been extremely rough. I may be only writing really short messages for the next few days. @integrityblues
I’m glad you have your power back on. Seriously, take your time I understand that things are rough.
I’m going to the dentist tomorrow for the last cavity. When I’m there I’ll ask them about the wisdom teeth appointment that hinges upon when the specialist will be in during November. Then if I have time afterwards I’ll go home and rest before my therapy appointment in the afternoon. If I don’t have that time I’ll just leave from the dentist office to go to my appointment, so at least I’m prepared for both situations.
I woke up with my dumb period. I’m not as prepared for it as I want to be but I’m working through it even though it sucks. I’m just sore and tired.
I had another cavity that I either forgot about or they missed during the exam. At first the dentist was worried about the depth of each one and said I might need a root canal. Thankfully I didn’t need one, just a standard drilling or filling.
It took so long that I left the dentist and went to my therapy appointment early instead of going home to rest.
The therapy was okay. Talked about the stuff about my sister and mom and my worries over even more dental work.
When it was over I took a slightly longer route to head home by taking a bus that would stop near my grocery store so I could pick up more soft foods and ice cream. Then I walked the rest of the way home.
I’m resting for now and will get up soon to brush and floss. I have to prepare for my Zoom call tomorrow too.
I hope that things are going a little better for you.
It sounds like you have had a long day with lots of poking and prodding of both your mouth and your mind. That has to be exhausting. Ultimately it leads in a good direction, but at the moment it is tiring. Sending peace this evening.
My day was overall okay as we began classes online once again. Or I should say it was okay until middle of the afternoon when my mother called saying that she had fallen and might have broken her kneecap but that she wouldn't get it checked out until tomorrow. As with your mom, I just get stuck worrying. If need be, I will try to get over there tomorrow afternoon to force her to get an x-ray. I am very tired. @integrityblues
I’m so sorry about your mom! I hope that her X-ray and your online classes go well.
I didn’t get much rest last night because both my smoke alarm and carbon monoxide detector were chirping. I’d changed the battery for the smoke alarm but was confused (forgot the carbon monoxide detector took batteries too) so it was beeping all night and slept badly. After getting in contact with maintenance I was informed that the smoke detector was my problem, so I figured out that the batteries in the carbon monoxide detector needed to be changed and took care of it.
I was so distracted by this problem that I forgot to take my shot within the 4 hour window.
I was disappointed by my Zoom call. Of the six leads we discussed I could only apply for one since I didn’t have the skills for the others, they were too far away, or required I speak Spanish or drive/have a license and so on.
I laid in bed and read for the rest of today, so now I’m going to sleep to prepare for gamers group tomorrow.