My 7 Cups Dream Journal

Thanks.

I was stopped as I was running to catch a bus this morning by a homeless man asking me to call 911 because a propane tank beneath a construction truck had been hit by a car and was spewing fumes and was in danger of exploding.

I finally called 911 for him and because I couldn’t get speakerphone to work I just handed my phone over so he could talk to them about the problem. I followed him around as he was trying to direct traffic away from the propane tank to make sure that my phone wasn’t stolen or pocketed. I got to speak to the operator who said the fire truck was coming, covered my phone in hand sanitizer to clean it and wiped off the excess on my shirt , then hopped on a bus that had just rolled up so I wouldn’t have to run to my bus stop. I’d already missed my bus and had to wait for the next one.

I felt so disgusting but quietly rode the bus all the way to my drs appointment. I was thirty minutes late (I always try to be half an hour early because they request it and just in case there’s traffic) but was still able to be seen.

My blood pressure was excellent. I got my RX refills and have a new prescription for riboflavin so I can take it with magnesium for my headaches. I went home and it took long enough that I hit the store and got something for lunch then walked it home.

Once I was inside I took off the clothes I’d been wearing so I could wash them. I used a Lysol wipe to clean my phone. I took another shower and washed my hair so I could relax and feel clean.

After awhile I had a chat with my friend, had lunch, and watched Netflix.

Sorry that I didn't see this yesterday. It didn't make it clear that I had another new page with messages.

Your day sounds a little unclean but quite successful. It is great that you were able to help with the 911 call and then still have a successful doctor's appointment. I always feel good when I am able to do something that really helps the community like that, even if it is unexpected.

Getting clean, getting lunch and Netflix also sound like the makings of a good day overall. I hope that today was equally successful. @integrityblues

Thanks. Today didn’t feel very successful even though I got things done. I was just very tired, so I laid around for awhile until I had to get up to go shopping then haul the trash cans. I also rinsed and refilled my neighbor’s water bowl for the cats- he’d not been able to do it because he got a new job on Tuesday.

I’m preparing for my dentist appointment tomorrow, but I also have to fit in a trip to the pharmacy before that. I’ll have plenty of time to shove the trash cans off of the curb for pickup and the gardeners came by yesterday so everything looks pretty clean. I’ll get to take a nice shower tomorrow morning and have a decent but easy to make breakfast.

Now I have to force myself to floss, water floss, and brush my teeth so I can go to sleep knowing I’ve prepped for the appointment. I’ll be gentle with my teeth the morning of because I don’t want the cleaning to be more painful than necessary.

Last night I had an absurd dream about going outside and doing errands but suddenly realizing I wasn’t wearing anything. It’s probably about my anxiety or feeling vulnerable in response to this upcoming appointment.

Dental appointments are always rough going into them. They are usually easier once you get there. Keep reminding yourself of that. But I totally understand the anxiety and needing to prep yourself for the appointment.

Glad that you got some cleaning done and are now in charge of leaving water out for the cat. That sounds like a good assignment.

My day, my week, was pretty messy as they had to let some of my colleagues go because we have fewer students. I wasn't on the chopping block but could have been. But it was a sad day. @integrityblues

I’m sorry about the messy week. I hope you get plenty of rest this weekend.

My dentist appointment wasn’t great. I have three new cavities most likely because there was a month or two I didn’t brush my teeth as much or floss. The dentist was concerned about my wisdom teeth and asked for another X-ray to get a better look at them. Turns out my teeth are impacted like my baby teeth once were. The wisdom teeth are pushing against the rest, one of the four have erupted, so the dentist says it would be a good idea to remove them before I start getting cavities in them.

I told the dentist about my one sensitive tooth and they said I could see the orthodontist tomorrow for it and I agreed. Then I got a call confirming the appointment but they kept saying it was for braces which will do nothing for tooth sensitivity. When I explained to them that that wasn’t the point of the appointment and I’d like to have my tooth looked at or have some treatment so it doesn’t hurt when I drink cold water but they only asked if I wanted to cancel. So I did.

Aside from all of that they had to send my X-rays of my wisdom teeth to my insurance company to justify having any of them removed and have my insurance cover the cost. I should get a letter or a call from insurance but if I don’t hear from them in 2 weeks I should call the dentist and ask if anything has been approved.

If it’s approved I could be getting a deep cleaning, have my cavities drilled and filled, and get my wisdom teeth removed (I just don’t know about the order of anything).

I have never been more upset that my dental care was so terrible when I was a kid, so I walked a fine line while talking to my mom. I kept to the facts and didn’t point fingers because it’s pointless to blame her now when I’m just as responsible for how long it took me to go to the dentist myself and my lack of care the last few months.

My call was brief because my mom was busy filling out housing recertification paperwork and preparing for tomorrow’s yard sale. She told me about how my younger sister ran off to San Diego with her abusive boyfriend. That my sister had argued with her about being an adult and that she could go if she wanted, which is true. But my mom is sure that the boyfriend will hurt her or get her in trouble so she’s gotten in contact with a police detective and the sheriff in the area so she will be informed if my sister is harmed or arrested.

So I’m not feeling great. I’m just resting for now. I get to sleep in because that appointment was canceled. I’ll watch Netflix in the morning and try to wash some dishes.

I’d like to wash just enough dishes tonight so I can make grilled cheese sandwiches

My mom called yesterday to reveal that my younger sister was found. She’d been beaten up by her boyfriend who also stole her bag and id card. A stranger found her in a riverbed and called for help. So my sister was taken to the hospital. The most I know is that she’s sore and hurt, but not if theres any more damage.

My mom thought that she would have to go there to her to make sure that she goes to get mental health treatment but I said that it was better that she just stay here. That my sister is safe in the hospital.

I need to tell mom that I can’t deal with this anymore. When I reached out to my aunts with the news for support one didn’t answer and the other said she’d pray.

I texted my aunts that I loved them but I wouldn’t be sharing news about my mom and sister if I wasn’t going to get support. One aunt replied that she didn’t understand what I meant by support since there was nothing that could be done and I elaborated that I meant support for ME because I need to talk or vent or talk through something. The other said nothing so I’m leaving her alone.

I spoke to the aunt because she called and we went round and round about why my mother dumps this all on me and I said it’s because I’m all she’s got and I’m so tired.

My mom called and she said my sister left the hospital yesterday but she didn’t get the news till late last night.

I told her that this was all getting to be too much and I don’t want to hear about my sister anymore. My mom took it as I didn’t want to hear from her either and proclaimed that she’d just isolate herself from me and everything else so she could eventually move away where my sister won’t find her and only send the address to me and my older sister. When she started using it as a reason to not treat her COPD or talk with the home health nurse I snapped at her that it’s no excuse to stop taking care of herself. That even in the depth of my depression I still treat my illness.

at the end of the call I asked her to tell me if my sister passes away, that I’d still need to know that- not the continual escalation of jail and beatings from her boyfriend.

I shared the information one last time with my aunts and older sister, then tried to rest.

My other aunt called and proceeded to explain that she was very busy working overtime and being sick so she didn’t reply to my first text and was puzzled by my second.

That she didn’t even think to offer sympathy or offer to talk to any of the bad news texts I’ve sent, that she wasn’t trying to not support me.

Then we discussed what happened and she said that she didn’t say anything because there was nothing that could be done, as if I didn’t know that. But she continued to explain that like me she used to give 100% and eventually learned that she couldn’t do it, so she basically helps her children and focuses on them. That my mom shouldn’t expect anyone else to help my sister. That they’ve all tried in various ways and it hasn’t worked, as if I don’t know.

I stressed that I knew that but would have still appreciated some acknowledgment since I was being swallowed up by this mess and no one was even saying a word.

My aunt says I need more friends and shouldn’t be afraid of getting burnt again- I am so frustrated by this constant advice and don’t want to talk again later when she calls. If she remembers.

Sorry, my weekend wasn't much better than my week and last night I needed a night off. I apologize.

I am so sorry for the bad dental appointment. It can be tough when they seem to be ignoring the major issue of pain as the first thing to deal with. Did they offer any medication for pain or timeline to get rid of that? Have them focus on that first and then hopefully everything else will fall into place. It isn't easy to take good care of your teeth. Blaming yourself isn't going to help much. Just focus on the future and being pain free.

I am sorry that everything erupted with your mom and sister again as well. But I will admit that my first thought was it is better that your mom and sister are now apart so your mom can't get hurt. 

You are absolutely correct to be completely tired of the dumping on you and for calling out your aunts for their lack of support of you. Good job asking for more help. They may not understand and they may do a bad job of it, but you asked. That is always a good starting point. Be really specific about what you would like from them - just having a sounding board (knowing that the only solution is your mom herself) allows you to have a release valve. So just ask them to listen and say that you are doing the best that you can. Which you are.

You also set some great boundaries with your mom. I really like how you told her that you still battle back against your depression and what is going on with your sister isn't an excuse for her to abandon caring for herself. You are right to ask for all the mini news reports to stop. If those mini reports on just your mom stop for a bit as well that is okay too. You deserve some rest.

Tomorrow is going to be better. Things are going to calm down a bit because your mom and aunts are clearer where you stand. There will be less drama. So take lots of deep breaths, eat and drink well and go put water in the cat's bowl. You have got this.

Thanks bestVase. I’m sorry your weekend wasn’t great.

my other aunt called me back and seemed to get how most of what she was saying wasn’t helpful to me as I was still reeling from my decision and the explanation I gave to her sister and wasn’t in the mood to have my decision not to make new friends picked at so she didn’t have to own up to her part in why I don’t feel supported, why I’m overwhelmed, and why I’ve just been getting by on survival mode for awhile.

I made chili today even though I didn’t really want to. I was glad I did so I had something filling to eat today and will have the last bit for breakfast or lunch.

I will have my Zoom call and handle it. I’ll check the water bowl for the cats tomorrow morning before I go on a short walk.

I dreamt that I was kidnapped by a serial killer who would steal people’s faces. I was allowed to go to the library with one of the killer’s men and tried to get him far enough away so I could try and get help.

First I made him wait in a chair while I stood in front of a malfunctioning computer meant to check patron holds and I was getting so frustrated because I incurred a massive fee of 125 dollars I couldn’t afford and kept being signed out of the account. Then the guy was lingering around me being threatening while I tried to select a book and I told him to stop drawing attention to us.

I’d taken a small pencil from the computer area and when I finally was alone and being seen by the one who would check out my book I spoke quietly and handed over the book and library card and before he could say more than hello I opened the book and began writing on the pages between the printed text: I’ve been kidnapped.

When the guy came back to start getting me to leave I began speaking as if we were talking about the book I was checking out, using little innocent sounding hints so the guy wouldn’t know I’d spilled the beans to the librarian. I took the book and was very worried that the guy or the serial killer was going to open it and see my message.

They didn’t and we went to a fancy dinner with his friends or family and because I was sure things were going to end badly I took this thing that looked like a long and thick popsicle stick that I’d eaten my meal with and snapped it in half before our plates were cleared. I hid my improvised weapon so I’d have something for the confrontation.

I woke up just as the fight started, and then I took my medicines and laid back down so I can ice my injection site.

I am glad that your other aunt listened better without offering too much advice. That is always a blessing.

And making some chili sounds like a good positive step for you. Walking and Zoom call are also positive.

What a vivid dream. It sounds like you were really fighting back for yourself. You have been doing a nice bit of that lately.

Things still stressful at my end with a sudden campus evacuation and course cancellation. Hopefully tomorrow will be easier. 

Oh no, I hope things get better on your campus.

I ended up requesting during my Zoom call that I take a week long break as I’m trying to get out of survival mode. My next appointment is next Thursday.

Im hoping to get small tasks done and get things in order so I can really put my energy and focus into myself. Chores and rest and preparing for more job development.

My younger sister kept sending me reels on *** messenger so I finally muted her chat so I didn’t have to see it. It wouldn’t surprise me if my mom mentioned my decision and now my younger sister is attempting to connect with me to get me to say something.

That dream was pretty crazy and was probably powered by all my feelings of powerlessness and and being trapped my what I perceived to be my responsibilities.

I like the idea of taking a step back and focusing all the smaller tasks for a week to give you better grounding. Then you can get back to feeling like you are accomplishing stuff.

I also like the fact that you muted your sister. No need to be drawn back into her drama.

You are figuring this next part out. How are you doing on eating healthy and drinking liquids.

We are doing okay with the upcoming storm. It will mainly be flooding here and our house isn't in a flood zone. These things move like really slow stressful turtles. We won't even get hit until Thursday morning. Then it will hopefully just be a day of staying inside. It just gets hard to do them year after year. But we will survive. @integrityblues

i hate storms and flooding. I hope that that slow stressful turtle stays away from your house.

I didn’t have a great morning and sort of laid in bed after I got news that my account was overdrawn over 50 bucks (I must have miscalculated in my checkbook because I’d purposely only gone over by 48 or 49) so I had to take the travel funds check I’d stashed in a drawer to use next month and deposited it with my bank app so I won’t get massive fees.

I felt bad for awhile then remembered that I had other stuff to do.

I got out of bed and made a small breakfast then sorted my laundry. I’ve been doing laundry all afternoon; just sheets and pillowcases plus my throw blanket, then some towels, and finally a few shirts, some shorts, a couple face masks, and a bra so I could go outside in freshly washed clothes.

I’ve remade my bed, made lunch, and now I’m going to make a nice tuna melt.

I think tomorrow if I’m feeling okay I will go for a short walk. I’ll try and do more laundry too.

I am glad that you were able to get over the money moment to focus on doing a bunch of small things. Those things are really helpful in getting your brain back on track. I know how comforting laundry and a clean house is for you. So you had some clear successes.

We are still waiting on the storm. But I got some work done today, walked around a bit before the rains confine us to the house tomorrow, and made some nice cilantro lime rice for dinner (yes I am still using up the limes). @integrityblues

I did more laundry today. I’m almost done with what was in my hamper and added some of the larger pieces that should go to the laundromat because I can’t wash everything with my small washing machine. I want to vacuum the carpet and mop the kitchen and bathroom floors.

I’m so tired but glad I got so much done.

I even cooked breakfast for dinner. I made eggs in a basket!

Cilantro lime rice sounds very good.

I’m glad that you got to walk today before the rain comes.

I realized what was wrong with my bank account…I had two checks bounce. I miscalculated in my checkbook and the best my travel funds did was prevent a massive fee. When one check bounced the money was returned and got me out of the negative.

I felt so stupid and angry but I asked my aunts for help with money.

One answered during her lunch maybe, and she wanted to confirm how much I have in my account and how much the bill was and if I wanted the bill to be paid for me. I cringed, but clarified like she wanted me too, then I apologized again. She said that it was okay and I asked that she get her rest and hug her granddaughter.

I’ve had to rewash some sheets that I’d left to sit in the wash water when I got my bad news, then realized I’d put too much in the small washer and dumped one of the soaked sheets in the bathtub so I could redo the load one piece at a time.

If I continue and stay on track I’ll finish the sheets tonight, vacuum, and be prepared for tomorrow’s trash day chores.

It is easy to have checks bounce when you have limited funds. It is not your fault. You are trying. I am glad that you asked your aunt for help.

I also loved how much work that you have gotten done in the last day or so. That is lots of solid physical labor which really helps you feel like you accomplished something.

Today has been the storm day and it has been a doozy. I have rarely heard winds that hard. We are really lucky to still have electricity and not be flooded. But my work could really be flooded out. We won't know until tomorrow. And we aren't even near where it is due to make landfall. @integrityblues

I’m more than a little worn out from the stress and chores. I put on some Bengay and watched episodes of Call the Midwife between trips to check on the little washer or move clothes to my hanging dryer.

I do feel like I’m accomplishing something with these efforts, just going a little slower than I’d like but keeping at it so I’m not so stressed out that I stop.

I hope that everything goes okay during the rest of your storm. Flooding is awful, fingers crossed it isn’t so bad.

Tough day at my end. I know of multiple friends who lost their homes overnight to the storm. We are okay with electricity, sewer and flooding, but lots of sadness around. It also looks like we will be teaching online for another week, but the campus isn't too bad off we think. 

I am glad that you were able to get some more good stuff done today even if it was at a slower pace.

I’m sorry. I had a reply days ago but 7 cups just wasn’t letting me post it.

I hope you’re doing okay.

I had a therapy appointment this morning. It was uncomfortable and stressful, mostly because I was talking about my mom and sister and my decision to not hear about my sister anymore and cutting back our calls to once a month. But we also talked about my efforts to get myself back together by resting and cleaning and she didn’t seem to understand my logic or think cleaning was self care if I accidentally give myself lower back pain in the process. She pressed me on my poor support system and asked why I wasn’t blocking off my Thursdays for gamers group. I told her that gamers group doesn’t feel like support and she plainly said that it could prepare me for social interactions that could be supportive. Ugh, I cried once I got to the part where I asked my aunts for help about a check I bounced and one said nothing and the other texted asking me if I wanted her to pay? It’s like they don’t read my texts or want to drag it out of me word for word. I was lucky that the 9 bucks left in my account allowed for the bounced payment to be retried so I don’t need their help paying for it and the late payment fee I was so worried about.

I’m just feeling empty. I’ve been feeling like this for awhile but after I cut my mom off to once a month it’s worse.

Not being able to post here probably made that all even worse.

Cleaning is allowed to be something that brings you peace even if you injure yourself while doing it (you can injure yourself doing anything). I also praise you highly for setting boundaries with your mom. I am sorry if your therapist didn't focus on that enough. I am also sorry that your aunts continue to not understand your needs.

I can imagine that it all feels pretty lonely and tiring right now. I am going to be slightly with your therapist on the gaming group though. You do deserve to be less lonely and spread your friend circle just a little. But take it slow and when you are ready for it. But if the gaming group doesn't feel good, maybe a library reading group would be worth a try. 

Remember that therapy appointments are often tough, especially right during and after them. Then a few days later you begin to feel a little looser and more at peace. I am hoping that will happen for you here. I continue to be impressed by your strength.

Still struggling a bit from my end. My stress levels are really high as I watch those around me struggle. I also don't know about my job because we still aren't allowed back on campus.

That’s true. I agreed to begin blocking my Thursdays for gamers group to at least try. I’m thinking of emailing my job developer and rescheduling my appointment on a day that isn’t a Thursday.

I’ve gotten a little more laundry done and I made grilled cheese sandwiches and beans for dinner; the big trouble was I had a hard time opening the can with an old can opener, dropped it on the floor while it was partially opened and needed to clean up all the bean juice that got everywhere, and ended up cutting my finger on the can lid while finishing opening the thing. My finger is okay for now and is clean and bandaged and dinner was okay.

Now I’m resting and getting ready to brush my teeth.

I’m so sorry that your stress is so high. I’m sorry about your neighbors too. I’d hope that you’d get to eventually go back or teach remotely like on Zoom or something.

I am going to admit not being in a particularly good spot myself this evening. This last week has been so, so brutal in terms of the level of suffering that I have seen. I now have to teach online until late October like we did during COVID because our school got hit very hard. My church has also been destroyed. I am trying very hard to do something kind every day for someone really impacted by the storm so that I don't feel hopeless or out of control of my own destiny. I know that only in controlling my own emotions rather than letting any other people or circumstances control them is the only way forward. But it is tiring and hard sometimes, just like it is for you. I really have to refuse to go down the depression spiral by actively doing things. My own activity is my saving grace.

I am glad that you were able to do lots of good activity today even if you ended up with an injury. I hope it heals quickly. It does remind me though about what you said yesterday about your therapist disagreeing that cleaning could be a form of self care for you. You said she was focused on the fact that you injured yourself while cleaning. Well now you injured yourself while preparing food. So isn't eating also a form of necessary self care? Would she also ask you to stop that? Obviously not. Injuries happen. Yes, you need to go slower. But that's okay. You get there eventually.

This month I have a turtle as my computer background. It is reminding me that slow progress is still progress. It is for you too. 
@integrityblues

I like the idea of slow progress. I just spent the last few hours balancing my checkbook and deciding what I’m going to do with what little money I have left after bills and rent and paying for my ID renewal. I put 10 bucks on my Starbucks card and need to get a new brush since the last snapped while I was brushing my hair last week (I’ve been using just the bristled part that fits in my palm to brush my hair).

I’m going to go to gamers group but maybe leave early. I’ll get the hair brush, put some money on my laundry card so I can wash the things that won’t fit in my little washer at home, and get some lunch.

please be kind to yourself too as you offer kindness to others.

The gaming group and the hair brush sound like a good combination for the day. I am glad that you were able to balance your check book and do a little planning. Some small victories.

My day was okay. There wasn't tons of new bad news. I was able to help another friend move a truckload of her house stuff that they were able to save from the storm into storage. Little bits each day like the slow progress of the turtle. @integrityblues

@integrityblues This dream seems like it carries a lot of emotions tied to change, loss, and a sense of responsibility. The house, once yours, represents a part of your life that feels distant yet familiar, perhaps something you’ve moved on from but still holds significance. The kittens symbolize vulnerability or something fragile in your life that you feel responsible for. The older dead cat could signify the passage of time, loss, or the consequences of neglect. Watching the kittens grow into adult cats may reflect hope or the realization that things can still flourish despite challenging circumstances. How do you feel after having this dream?

It was such a long time ago but your analysis is accurate to the dreams tone and what I associate with the images. Lots of responsibility and emotions and neglect.

I’m so exhausted. Earlier today I accidentally left my cane at home when I left to get coffee and prescriptions. I stumbled around but my balance was good enough to stay upright- I was just so very sore once I got home with all of it and lunch.

I took such a long break but finally went outside to take care of the trash cans that needed cleaning. Every single one smelled awful so I soaked and soaped the trash cans and recycle bins, hosed the property and paid special attention to my other neighbor’s stoop with soap water and scrubbing with my broom.

I came back inside to clean up the cat water bowl I accidentally dropped into the muddy flowerbed and refill it with more water.

I drank two bottles of water on my break then left to go to Target to pick up my orders of mouthwash, rubbing alcohol, a hair brush and more floss picks. I also got a cheap thing of sour watermelon gummies as a reward for all my hard work today.

I took another shower then soaked my sore feet in warm water with Epsom salts.

I’m hoping to get a big load of laundry done and do some shopping with my food stamps tomorrow.

I dreamt about my mom and younger sister. We were living in an unfamiliar motel and they kept following me around as I was stocking up on snacks so I could hang out in the motel room and watch cable TV, but they just kept trying to tell me horrible news and I wasn’t very interested. They kept telling me that something bad would happen to me if I was alone.

Its interesting because I had my call with my mother yesterday and she revealed that my younger sister had been staying there for days or a week and I kept stumbling over asking how my sister was doing (because I don’t want my mom to tell me all the bad news but my sister has also been making other *** accounts to friend me after I muted her other account on messenger) and my mom said things were copacetic. So I pretty much only spoke about the dog and my mom and what was going on with me.

I woke up to an email warning me that my electric bill was late which freaked me out because I thought that we were getting our climate credit this month. I ended up canceling an Amazon order I made yesterday that hadn’t shipped yet so I could pay the electric bill today. I might be able to pay my other bills and not bounce those checks like last month since my travel funds should come between the 22nd and 25th and I’ll deposit it that day and cross my fingers.

I’ll ask my aunt who goes to Costco if she could get me the Vitamin B2 I just canceled.

Lots of little things in there but it sounds like you are managing them fairly well.

I am glad that you survived the call with your mom without spiraling into their drama too much. 

It sounds like you worked hard but in a good way. The bill thing sounds stressful, but you did okay in trying to figure it out. 

How are you doing taking care of yourself eating wise?

Sorry my message is a bit short. We are due to get hit with a second hurricane in the middle of the week. I am very, very anxious about it and the panic attacks have started back up. Doing my best to manage everything by trying to help others. But it is brutally hard right now. 

I managed to go grocery shopping today with my food stamps. I could have gotten better things to eat but I did have a nice turkey sandwich.

I rested today and got my laundry together so I can wash it tomorrow morning. I have a drs appointment on Monday that I’ll go to in the afternoon and maybe when I get home I’ll try and look into whether my insurance has approved my wisdom teeth removal.

For now I’ll brush my teeth, floss, and lay back down.

Don’t apologize about the length of the message, I know that things are stressful right now. Don’t worry so much about answering mine, please focus on yourself and do whatever you must to prepare for the hurricane and be safe.