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integrityblues
45 24,429 M Aiming High 4
PathStep 1,671 Compassion hearts1,124 Forum posts2,252 Forum upvotes2,276 Current upvotes2,276 Age GroupAdult Last activeNovember, 2024 Member sinceJuly 24, 2019
Recent forum posts
Yesterday I told my mother about my childhood molestation and self harm
Depression Support / by integrityblues
Last post
 January 24th
...See more It all started with my mom retelling a story about a friend’s child being molested but not being able to remember much of anything. She basically said she thought the kid was lying or repeating a story her mother told, and I sighed and explained that it wasn’t uncommon not to remember; that I have a big blank spot where mine happened while I was still in elementary school being babysat by a friend of hers. It was the son who was several years older than me. I know how it started but nothing afterwards. It shook her up quite badly, but I couldn’t stop myself then and told her about how I’d eventually exposed my little sister to it because of my own abuse and the huge amount of pornography my parents kept around the house which got us naturally curious- I can’t forget that part, but have a big blank spot after the time we were excited to show our parents all the stuff we’d learned because we didn’t know it was wrong yet. Even then I couldn’t explain it word for word (just using the phrase “playing doctor”) I just couldn’t make myself say it more explicitly since it makes me feel so much shame, especially since my younger sister is so unstable as an adult now. My self harm at the end of college was at least something she says I’m strong and brave for seeking treatment but now I feel even worse for saying anything to her. She did suggest that she wanted to do some drugs now after hearing all of it, and I forced her to promise not to go out and find those drugs. Now I’m trying to focus on prepping my place for a fumigation. If I’m lucky I’ll get most of it done today so I can visit my aunt and rest.
Nothing gets better
Depression Support / by integrityblues
Last post
 January 22nd
...See more I’ve been trying to get the energy to post since my last effort a few days ago was ruined because of an error on the app. I’ve been having a lot of troubles lately. I just feel so alone and exhausted. I admitted to my therapist that I’ve been having trouble with urges to self harm, that the night before our appointment I’d quietly sobbed as I looked up the difference between self harm and suicide, that the tears were mostly because I know I’m not supposed to be turning to self harm to cope. My mom has been experiencing COPD flares more frequently and refuses to speak to her doctor about it. I had to twist her arm to accept my help because she couldn’t even shop for food or diapers. Plus her wall furnace wasn’t working as our morning temps were in the 40s with lots of wind and she was being weird about asking her manager or management company to fix it for her. I got there early after a long trip by Metro and bus. I laid on the floor to light her pilot to see if that would solve the problem (it did). After I took a break and looked at her list I eventually got going to the store that wasn’t too far away. The store didn’t have her diapers so she said she’d get them the next day, but when I spoke with her yesterday she wasn’t doing well and was refusing my help. she eventually got it done, but I could have been faster and she wouldn’t have been so tired. Im just really stressed out about her declining health.
Everything sucks
Depression Support / by integrityblues
Last post
 December 18th, 2023
...See more Hey everyone. I haven’t been doing well. More problems with my sick mom and my homeless sister. Also my apartment building is going to have to be tented for termites soon. During my last appointment my therapist mentioned how worried she was about me because of the strain my relationship with my mom puts on me. I’ve finally had to admit how depressing the whole situation is, how alone I feel, and just how I want to lay down more and more in spite of all the stuff I have to do. I’m still plodding along and doing my job development Zoom meetings and dealing with my thoughts of self harm when I become more overwhelmed by my possible failures and mistakes. I bought myself an early holiday gift when I still had the money. It’s an adult coloring book full of mandalas that I try and color when I feel like I’m getting too close to the edge and want to divert my attention. I also got more clothes because it’s time to replace some of my old stuff. Now I’m thinking of making a bagel since it’s less work than a frozen pizza.
Boundaries
Depression Support / by integrityblues
Last post
 September 18th, 2023
...See more I spent a day and a half mulling it over, but told my mom this morning that I wanted to change how we interacted, sort of enforcing some new boundaries after I learned about her use of meth in the past and her increased reliance on it for this last year. Though she swears she’s quitting for good, I don’t believe her. I’m decreasing my contact with her via text and phone to just Saturdays when we have our weekly call and for emergencies. I don’t want to have to play detective and figure out if she’s lying to me about this, that, or the other. So after I reminded her of what we last spoke of (her going back to the ER if she experienced more difficulties breathing and making absolutely certain she has enough RX refills to last till her next drs appointment or when she secured a new one) I told her that I’d be stopping my good morning texts and random calling because I want to focus on myself. I want to do better in therapy and actually succeed in getting a job so I can make a little more money and still receive my SSDI. I can work beneath the cap and pay into federal and local taxes too. I may not be using my ticket to work, but I’m still trying to get back into the work force. I spent most of today after that call forcing my attention away from my mother’s name in my contacts list- I texted my aunts and my friend instead, then did Friday trash day chores plus two massive loads of laundry that have been sitting around since I got the news about my mother’s hospitalization and meth problem. If I haven’t burnt myself out I’ll make some cheeseburgers for dinner then put together a grocery list. Later on I can politely ask my less busy aunt if it would be cool for us to go shopping. Unless she hasn’t had a sudden expense, that is.
I feel like an idiot!
Depression Support / by integrityblues
Last post
 September 18th, 2023
...See more I just got off of a surprise phone call with my DOR counselor. She was just confirming the date of our call next week, but when she was asking me question about my MS she immediately began talking about how I’d need a letter from my doctor allowing me to go back to work. I explained to her that I’d taken a break from job searching at my previous counselors insistence, and when I explained that it was because my father died I sobbed. I’d surprised her, and I tried my best to explain to explain that I waited a year to begin again (not including the months it took for me to secure an appointment to begin with). She wasn’t sure if I was ready just based on my emotional reaction and I tried to explain without going into detail about my mom revealing her meth use to me, instead saying this was just a bad day. We’re still going to have our call on Monday, so I’m going to have to prepare myself for it mentally and emotionally.
My mother has left the hospital
Depression Support / by integrityblues
Last post
 September 18th, 2023
...See more I was just informed by my older sister that my mom was texting strangely, sent me the texts as evidence, and told my sister to tell me to text. My mother left the hospital because she was non compliant. That’s all I know about that part. I don’t even know if this happened after she left the ICU and went into the general hospital. Just that it was after 1 a.m. and she left without her phone charger because she said they lost it. My sister told me that the charger was at the nurses station and my mom left because she wanted to according to the notes. I spoke to my mom briefly and all she would say is that she was looking for a phone charger and not in the hospital, that she’d contact me later. I’m so livid! She’s like a child and I’m going to have to try really hard to keep my temper in check as she explains whatever dumb reason she had for deciding to go- things like not liking her roommates on the floor, thinking that she was going to catch something because everyone was sick, or feeling well enough in her opinion. Now she’s waiting till some dog store opens then she’s going to try and get her charger back at the hospital. Ugh!
Nothing seems to be going right
Depression Support / by integrityblues
Last post
 September 20th, 2023
...See more My mother finally told me at the start of our Saturday call that something was wrong. She told me that my younger sister, the one who only just got off the street this week has decided she wants to go back to the shelter she was kicked out of. I don’t know if she has a problem with the cubicle she was given, but she bugged our mother for her credit card number so she could ride a pay as you go scooter there. My mom said no and they had a bit of an argument that unsettled my mom, made her really nervous because it was a rehashed old arguments plus the idea that my sister was going to ruin it at her new place and make her and the dog homeless again. My mom was panicking because she’s in the middle of a terrible flare of her COPD but refuses to go to the hospital or urgent care even if I volunteer to go along with her to help smooth things over as an advocate and offer emotional support. She said no because she always says no, then continued to say no when I offered to help her shop or get water. Her friend who has Covid again offered to send her Amazon groceries, and that was nice. My mom won’t starve but she also isn’t taking help from me. She had to get off the phone and call me back several times between calls from her friend and having to stop talking because of all of the coughing and choking. I’m trying to focus on the positives with my mother instead of everything wrong with my sister. At least my mother will have food soon.
I’m starting a statin
Depression Support / by integrityblues
Last post
 August 24th, 2023
...See more I had my doctor’s appointment yesterday (I didn’t get to see my new doctor the day before because she was ill and I had to come all the way back the next day to see someone else who was available). So I agreed to begin taking a statin. We discussed that while my triglycerides have been sort of stable on the Vascepa the numbers aren’t going down like they should, and that maybe it was time to think of taking one of the statins to lower my LDLs, increase my HDLs, and reduce my risk of becoming diabetic. I carry a lot of my weight in my abdomen so I already have a higher chance of it happening. I don’t need both diabetes and MS. The appointment was okay, but I guess I didn’t make it clear to him that I needed a refill of my Trazodone sleeping pill. When I finally got back to my neck of the woods and hit the pharmacy before it closed, the only medication that had been ordered was the Rosuvastatin. I spoke to the pharmacist and it turns out that I could go without it since the dose was very low and I was already on an antidepressant. That the fact I’d been on the Trazodone for so long had likely made it less effective without having the dosage increased. I was only taking 50 mg a night anyway. I’m just continuing to practice good sleep hygiene and remaining aware of my emotional stare and quality of sleep. My mom is worried about me having to start a statin, but I’ve tried to reassure her that I’m going to take all the steps and try harder to make the lifestyle changes so I won’t have to stay on the statin forever. I’m only turning 35 this October!
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