My 7 Cups Dream Journal
Entry 1: The Boxes of Cats
It was a little strange but what I remember most is visiting a house that was in my old neighborhood that I’d recently moved from (it really wasn’t, so dream logic) but I came back to collect something I left or my mother left.
It was very sad and the people who were there now were sort of okay with me wandering around and looking. I kept noticing the signs that I’d once lived there (painted over places that still revealed chipped paint and stuff I recognized from my apartment).
Then I looked beneath a couch or table and found boxes full of kittens. Two boxes were full of meowing kittens in water that the new home owners had no idea were there, and one more box held a very dead cat that was an older one from a previous litter. All of the kittens were starving without their mother and I knew that it was the reason why the older one passed.
The new owners suddenly smelled the dead cat and I took it upon myself to get rid of it. When I came back an hour later all of the kittens were gone, and when I was walking past another house I could see all the kittens. They’d all grown up into adult cats!
I dreamt that, among other things, I was in my house looking at a brand new cd that I guess I bought forever ago but never opened.
I was eager to play it because I wanted to listen to one particular song that I felt some emotional connection to.
When I was looking at the back and the listed music I couldn’t find it anywhere only to see a quote from an interview of a band member that said that song couldn’t be included because of licensing or another restriction.
I woke up with no idea what that song was supposed to be or if it was actually real but I’m tempted to listen to that band today on the way to my therapy appointment.
Listening to music sounds awesome. @integrityblues
I had to yell at my mom yesterday to get her to let me over to use my phone and help her change her locked pin on her SSDI card today and take care of her problems with her phone so she can take care of her problems.
I stayed for most of the day just to fix the problem with her card and to have Spectrum on speakerphone and get them to help her add her payment card then use it to pay for her overdue internet and mobile bill. Her phone service was restored and we tested it by calling each other.
After that we went out and took a slow walk to the liquor store for her cigarettes and toilet paper then hit the Post Office for her money order for her rent that her worker was going to drive her up to drop off on Monday.
We discussed getting lunch and stopped at a donut shop that sells sandwiches she likes, so we got those and went back to the liquor store to use the ATM for bus money and to get some milk. She gave me ten dollars for my trouble. Then we took the bus back to her house since we’d been walking for an hour.
We had lunch and after I rested a bit I got ready to leave for home since it was going to take 2 hours by bus.
I ran into my sister’s ex, who was coming by to check on the dog who loves him and heard them talking with my mom. She was asking where my sister was and he said he hadn’t seen her but heard that she was coming there. My mom gave him a cigarette and then one more for my sister if he saw her first.
I hugged my mother twice and told her that we’d call next month, that we could text a little bit I was kind of busy. That she should call or text my older sister, that she should call the office she sent her id card to and make an appointment in order to get it back. To ignore my younger sister’s abuse and moods. It turns out my sister had told my mom she was a faker enough times to make it so my mom is no longer using her cane. Then it broke. I told her to just get a new one and ignore what she says. That speaking as one disabled person to another, it’s not her damned business.
I got home not too long ago and I’m so worn out from the early morning and long trip and stress. The only calming part aside from solving the problems was getting to pet the dog who was excited to have another person to demand attention from. He was attached to my hip and sharing my chair.
I am sending you tons of hugs this evening. I had started to worry about you a bit.
That sounds much more stressful than the week I spent with my mom where I also ended up yelling at her. We love them so much and they do the opposite of caring for themselves.
I am glad that you got some of your mom's issues solved at least temporarily and that you worked toward getting her another cane.
You did excellent work. Now you rest. Give yourself time to recollect yourself. You just gave a huge bunch to your mom. Now focus on you. @integrityblues
I’m sorry for my absence. I tried posting on my birthday but the app wasn’t saving anything.
The Halloween party at my gamers group was actually a much bigger Halloween and Hispanic Heritage event by PALS. There were too many people and everyone was either sick or not wearing a face mask and it made me very very uncomfortable and overwhelmed.
One of the people who runs the gamer group got everyone to sing me happy birthday and a few staff members gave me gifts like a spare tumbler from the last mental health convention and what looked like a clipboard you’re meant to decorate and hang. It was obviously for a child or middle school student but it was cute.
The event had a catered lunch but my teeth were hurting enough that I had to chew on the other side of my mouth.
I played a few games and panicked when an introductions activity started and we were all supposed to get up and walk around a medium sized room full of tables and chairs and too many people, to introduce ourselves to people and shake hands. I didn’t want to be singled out for not participating so I stood and started moving around my table to offer introductions and maybe fist bump them because I couldn’t bring myself to shake hands. I got overwhelmed and dizzy so I announced that I was sitting back down. Then I focused on decorating a persimmon with markers left on the table.
Its day 2 of NaNo so I’m going to sit down in front of the computer and write after I take a shower.
You actually did a really good job with the larger group on your birthday. Focus on what you accomplished rather than how overwhelmed you felt.
You managed to stay for a good bit of it. You were able to eat something. You listened to your body and sat down when you needed to. Those are all victories.
I know it doesn't feel that way because of the anxiety which just feels awful. But if you say, "I did better than I would have a few months ago" then you have accomplished enough. I have been struggling with panic attacks in the food store in the wake of the trauma of the last month. The last time it started about halfway through but yesterday I managed to make it to the last 5 minutes. I still was hyperventilating for way too long after that, but I am trying to convince myself that I made progress.
You made progress.
Glad you are working on the writing too. Progress.@integrityblues
I’m so tired. I think I’m still recovering from this weekend. My mom got the cane I had delivered. I’m still waiting on mine.
I can understand the tired. I am glad your mom got the cane. I am beyond exhausted and tired from all of the horrible election news. It is going to take some time to absorb and find any semblance of a path forward through the evil that is going to appear over the next four years. @integrityblues
Yeah, today started with some bad news. I’m just trying to not put more thought into how catastrophic things will eventually become.
I made sure to get out of bed and went to the store to get bagels.
I chatted briefly with my mom and tried to ease her worries over the election. I told her that I was just going to view politics through the lens of late night comedy shows. I have to be able to laugh about it and move forwards.
I’m going to do laundry tomorrow and pick up my favorite holiday drink from Starbucks, a Peppermint Mocha. If I’m good it’ll be a Skinny Peppermint Mocha.
Completely forgot today is Thursday, so instead of starting with laundry like planned I’m going to gamers group, then if I have energy I’ll do laundry and move trash cans for Friday trash day.
Sounds good. We decided we are going to try to limit our news intake just a bit. I will focus on doing stuff locally and counteract the bad in small communities where ever possible. Someone said something like "yes, he is horrible, but it doesn't stop us from doing good." That is where I am going to start.
I am glad you are getting out to the gamers group. Hopefully the laundry and the special mocha treat will fall into place too.
I was out of energy by the time I got home. I dragged the trash cans out, then panicked when I had to break fallen palm fronds that were too close to the mildewed piece of furniture on the parkway. Dirt and bits of palm frond exploded all over my clothes and hair and skin, so after I got back inside and sprayed my clothes and shoes with disinfectant then took a hot shower.
Hours later I went to the store to get food but had a massive tension headache made worse by a child having a screaming tantrum because his father wouldn’t buy cookies. The kid made it a point to throw himself on the floor and became a road block to everyone trying to squeeze past.
I was able to leave and now I’m resting. Tomorrow I’ll try and do some laundry between Friday chores.
You still accomplished a good deal and got done what needed to get done. That is enough.
I hope that today at least didn't have the tension headache or the screaming child. @integrityblues
i dreamt that my mom, sister, and I moved to visit her new partner. They had a nice place and it was cool but me and my mom had no intention of staying, and my sister basically got herself in the relationship and in that really nice apartment by saying all of us needed a place to stay too. They broke up immediately and we left.
I woke up with a small *** nose again like yesterday because of the wind and cold weather. My throat hurts so I’m going to have a nice cup of tea with honey.
It still sounds like a better dream than most. That tea with honey sounds lovely. I hope to find time to do something like that soon. Maybe Sunday. Tomorrow we have to visit my parents to help out again. @integrityblues
got a call from my mom at 3 in the morning but it didn’t wake me. I finally got a hold of her this morning. She’s fine. My younger sister was the one to try and call because her previous ex was taken by the police and then released. Now they’re back at my mom’s.
I asked my mom how she was doing and it turns out she couldn’t even do her yard sale yesterday because she got sick.
Remember to focus as much as you can on you and not her or your sister. Their drama isn't yours.
My mom was okay. It was tiring but I made it.
I hope that you have had a relaxing day with some tea. @integrityblues
I dreamt that I went to see my friend, the one who passed away years ago, and that her dog was still alive too but he looked so different. He once had a very smooth coat of white fur with brown patches and spots, but in the dream his coat had become curly and grey.
When I asked her about it she said that he was older and that happens when people and dogs age.
Interesting. Was it an enjoyable visit in your dream? You have such vivid dreams. I can never remember mine. @integrityblues
I remember feeling very distressed that he was so different and I kept having to stop myself from pressing the issue because I didn’t want to upset my friend- she looked so good and healthy and alive but I was worried something awful was going to happen. Like she’d realize she was really supposed to be dead or the dog was supposed to be dead, so I resolved to stop talking about any of the differences because I so badly wanted them both to be alive still.
I want the familiar comfort of my friend who was like a mother to me and miss her more and more as things get worse with my own mom.
I loved that dog so much when he was alive, so when he looked so different but my friend kept saying he was the same I was immediately suspicious but didn’t want to destroy the peaceful happy situation by continuing to fixate on that as my my friend pressed that what I’m seeing is natural and normal.
My dream was about my mom responding to my worries about my younger sister and how it’s negatively effecting her and saying that it really was normal but it wasn’t what I want to hear or accept, so I force myself to agree so she continues to speak with me.
I dreamt that I was living in a little place but my parents showed up and started ignoring my rules. Like don’t leave windows open after dark because someone will break in. At some point I had to assist someone else to get somewhere by bus but we both ended up having to go to the dentist for some reason.
My back teeth had more cavities and they were warning me that if I had them treated again I’d just lose the teeth all together. So they treated me anyway but when I finally looked in the mirror I realized they’d given me braces too.
So it sounds like lots of parent influenced dreams lately. You are right to be frustrated by the amount that your mom throws your life into chaos. Just a few weeks of peace and I think that you could move forward.
I hope that you continue to try to keep communication minimal. How has the job hunt and food been recently? @integrityblues
Parent related dreams almost always relate to stress or whatever I’m dealing with regarding them.
My mom does throw my life into chaos and I don’t make it easier on myself by running to her aid and not keeping my distance like I said so would. She didn’t answer my last texts on Sunday and I feel stupid for falling back into that behavior- when I spoke to my friend about it earlier I could tell that maybe I’d disappointed her by not sticking to what I said regarding my mom. Well, disappointed might not be the right word but it’s all I can think of.
I’m tempted to ask my job developer for another break. Nothing is really going right and I need to focus on getting things in order…my therapist said I’m germaphobic after listening to my story about the mold and the Halloween party. My friend says I could have mild germaphobia because in spite of it I still go out and do things I have to do (though I admit that I’m not doing the Friday trash chores as thoroughly because of the threat of tracking mold into my apartment).
I’m just tired and stressed out. I’m going to try and sleep, maybe sleep in after I take my meds tomorrow morning.
I don't think disappointment is quite the right word for what your friend is feeling. It is what you are feeling.
But you aren't a disappointment. Your friend just wants to see you happier. Blaming yourself isn't going to get you there.
What will is wiping the slate clean as quick as you can. So you made a mistake with your mom last time by getting too involved. It is really easy to do because she does have lots of drama. You just try not to do it next time. That way of thinking already pulls you in a less dramatic direction.
Germaphobe or not is just a judgment call. I think that the tension of being in a space with that many people caused anxiety and the anxiety manifested itself in terms of germs. You felt less in control than you wanted to be. You spend a great deal of time alone so that is actually a pretty typical reaction as you grow your ability to be among other people.
Disliking germs is also not a bad thing. It makes you much neater than the average person (well very clearly neater than me at a bare minimum). Society needs clean people. Society needs you. @integrityblues
Yeah, I’m trying to not make things any more difficult than they already are. I stopped myself from contacting my mom today because it’ll only make me feel worse to either get involved in her drama or deal with her lack of a response. Like my friend has told me, I’m not really a priority to my mom, my younger sister is.
I’m trying to focus on things that will benefit me instead. I went shopping for lunch and snacks, and I really needed a good walk because I’d started my period that morning and was cramping badly with lots of muscle aches.
If I’m not feeling 100% okay to travel, I won’t force myself to go to the gamer’s group tomorrow, but that’s only if the cramps are too intense.
I’m planning on getting the trash cans out early then putting the outfit I wore out there in my TwinSpin full of hot water and soap that I’ll set up before going out and doing the first chore.
I’m trying to resolve my problem with the mold. I read something that says that mold is basically everywhere already but that how worried to be about it depends on the type, severity, and if there’s a source of uncontrolled water like a leak. I will keep cleaning my shoes and work gloves, and when it’s time to hose the trash cans down I’ll use a bleach spray to clean them then do a thorough rinse.
Thank you for saying society needs me. It’s nice to hear.
Please get lots of rest or do something fun in your spare time.
I love that you didn't call your mom and focused on you instead. That is so much more rewarding.
It sounds like you have a good plan for handling the mold. Bleach does work wonders and mold is lots of places.
Hopefully you can travel a bit tomorrow to the gaming group. That will continue to be a good spot to grow a small set of friends. You can also try a library reading group at some point if there is one near by. They probably only meet about once a month and it might also be relaxed and even less germy if you are just sitting and talking.
I am still not getting a bunch of me time but I am trying. I did manage to watch a Netflix episode today. We will take that as a win. @integrityblues
I didn’t go to the group today. I just felt too bad so instead focused on me. I rested, I did some writing, and watched Netflix. I eventually got outside to move the trash cans, then threw out some plumbing piping and attachments that were dumped there yesterday but left alone the piece that was almost as long as me and pretty heavy.
The cat in the back caught a mouse and left it for me to find. I got rid of the dead mouse and intend to thank the cat if I see him later.
Once I was finished I got back inside to clean my shoes and work gloves, then get the clothes I’d been wearing out there into the soapy hot wash water I’d prepared, and finally took a shower.
I have to wake up tomorrow and go shopping again for something more substantial that will last me through the weekend, then get through the meeting with my job developer.
