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My 7 Cups Dream Journal

integrityblues April 19th, 2023

Entry 1: The Boxes of Cats


It was a little strange but what I remember most is visiting a house that was in my old neighborhood that I’d recently moved from (it really wasn’t, so dream logic) but I came back to collect something I left or my mother left.


It was very sad and the people who were there now were sort of okay with me wandering around and looking. I kept noticing the signs that I’d once lived there (painted over places that still revealed chipped paint and stuff I recognized from my apartment).


Then I looked beneath a couch or table and found boxes full of kittens. Two boxes were full of meowing kittens in water that the new home owners had no idea were there, and one more box held a very dead cat that was an older one from a previous litter. All of the kittens were starving without their mother and I knew that it was the reason why the older one passed.


The new owners suddenly smelled the dead cat and I took it upon myself to get rid of it. When I came back an hour later all of the kittens were gone, and when I was walking past another house I could see all the kittens. They’d all grown up into adult cats!

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integrityblues OP October 17th

I went to gamers group but didn’t stay long. The one who brings the games forgot the Wii remotes, and another person had their own game system but had dead batteries in their remotes. I played a game of checkers but was grossed out when the one I was playing with kept eating a granola bar and getting crumbs all over the pieces she touched.

I won the game and didn’t want to play UNO, especially when I noticed the person to my right’s hands…his nails were very long and completely filthy.

I waited a few minutes then decided to leave, saying that I had to go grocery shopping.

I left and eventually caught my bus. I did the shopping, walked home, and moved the trash cans.

now I’m just resting


2 replies
bestVase7265 October 18th

You did a great job in going at all. So praise yourself and get ready to try again next week.

I am now at my mom's. She did indeed break her knee, go to the hospital and now needs surgery. But we have to wait a bit so it is going to be a long week. @integrityblues

1 reply
integrityblues OP October 18th

I’m so sorry about your mom. I hope that things go smoothly for you both.

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integrityblues OP October 18th

I dreamt that I was interviewing for a job that looked pretty good. Didn’t involve physical labor or standing, I’d be in an office and working in front of a computer.

In the middle of the interview I was basically told I was going to be hired…until I said I was on SSDI and Medicare/Medi-Cal.

Oh it took less than a minute for the interviewer and hiring manager to say it was impossible for me to be hired because of that.

I was upset, obviously and they kept giving excuses about how I should have known I wouldn’t be selected for the job and that I needed to find something else.

I yelled “But there isn’t anything else! I’ve applied for everything!”

1 reply
bestVase7265 October 20th

I know how frustrating that job situation is for you. You do deserve work and I know that you will do a good job.

Have you ever read the book "Care Work"? You might appreciate the argument quite a bit because it kind of gives some voice to your situation.

https://www.amazon.com/Care-Work-Dreaming-Disability-Justice/dp/1551527383

@integrityblues

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integrityblues OP October 19th

I dreamt that for whatever reason my younger sister was scamming her way into living with me and trying to stay long enough to claim squatters rights.

I felt awful when I woke up because it was colder last night and my throat was sore plus I had a big headache.

I got a call from a number I didn’t know and let it go to voice mail. When I listened to it I learned it was my mom calling from a different number on some weird texting app or something.

We spoke briefly and she caught me up on what was going on: she’d not gotten her id card back after sending it in with her food stamp recertification, so for whatever reason she can’t use her food stamps and has used all of her change. She’s going on and on about how she deserves to go to *** for being a terrible mother and that my younger sister is right to blame her for everything.

So nothing is better over there. At night my sister goes to sleep on the street and brings the dog with her, and my mom is worried about him because he’s probably staying up to guard her.

I told her that it was good that he was with her during the call then, so the little man could relax.

I sent my mom’s new temporary number to my older sister like my mom wanted because she wants to ask her for a little money for food.

after the call was over and I finished charging my phone halfway then got up to walk to the dentist office to ask if they’d gotten the date for the next wisdom tooth appointments with sedation. They still don’t know and didn’t call me back yesterday about it because there were lots and lots of extractions.

I left and got discount cookies from the store then ate them with almond milk at home.

Now I’m going to take a hot shower and prepare a small load of laundry in my Twin Spin. While I’m doing the chores I’ll watch Netflix.

bestVase7265 October 20th

Sorry to keep my comments short. Still dealing with my mom and all of her issues. Surgery will be on Tuesday. But I am very, very tired. 

My sister is also being a bit problematic but in my case she just isn't helping out very much and leaving it all to me.

I am glad that you didn't let your mom/sister situation impact you too much. Good job on the cookies, laundry and Netflix. It sounds like it was a successful day.

2 replies
integrityblues OP October 20th

No worries, bestVase. I’m sorry you’re so tired with all the stress the situation has caused.

The mom/sister situation has impacted me a little too much. My older sister was texting that our mom hadn’t answered her request for a list of stuff she’d have delivered in the middle of me preparing for laundry and trying to get my wall furnace to work. It’s been an afternoon of not doing what I need to.

I’ll just shower and do the laundry tomorrow after breakfast. I’m thinking pancakes and vanilla ice cream.

1 reply
bestVase7265 October 22nd

The "afternoon of not doing what I need to do" because family drama interrupts stuff feels very real right now. But we keep moving forward.

@integrityblues

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integrityblues OP October 21st

It’s been a long day of trying not to be angry about my mom not responding, and getting a small load of laundry done. Then she finally did by calling from a friend’s phone. She said the text mail thing my younger sister got started charging after the first day.

She tried calling my older sister first who didn’t answer and hadn’t emptied her voicemail so she couldn’t leave a message. I asked for her list and walked her through it so we didn’t miss anything she needed. It’s not a long list and I didn’t even think of adding eggs or more shelf stable items.

My older sister responded to the texted list and said that she wasn’t sure how they were going to do the delivery.

I’m trying to not think about it too hard.


2 replies
bestVase7265 October 22nd

Try not to think about it. That is the correct move. Older people and technology often don't get along well and your mom has been dealing with lots of trauma from your other sister. I doubt she is able to think all that clearly. But things will get figured out and she will make it. Focus on you. That is what I am hoping to do in another day or two after my mom gets settled with her surgery. @integrityblues

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integrityblues OP October 22nd

The food was delivered but there’s no way to know if my mom got it- someone opened the gate and accepted the order and supposedly delivered it to her door.

The Zoom call I had today lead to only two job leads, but I applied to both only yo learn that the places for the tutoring job were over an hour away from me. I emailed them back and apologized since it obviously wasn’t going to work and I still got an automatic email telling me to go through the hiring process even though nothing is close to me!

Ugh. I was so worn out afterwards that I made lunch and then rested.

I hope that you get to rest well and thoroughly after your mom is settled with the surgery.

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integrityblues OP October 22nd

I woke up with a big headache so after resting and responding to emails from my job developer about the tutoring job that expressed interest (that if all of the places I was expected to go were too far I should ask them if there were any remote positions, and the answer I learned much later was a polite no) and trying to create an account in their website but running into issues with uploading a picture of myself, I got up and looked for coffee.

I had a container of Folgers ground coffee so I made like half a pot of strong coffee, each cup had some unsweetened almond milk and Truvia sweetener.

After several cups on an empty stomach I made myself sick. I threw out the last brewed cup of coffee and switched to just water.

Now I’m exhausted and waiting to see if my best buddy has time to talk after having some friends over.

I sent my mom a text to her temporary number thinking that she might see it. I told her that I’d brewed coffee and it made me think of her, that I hoped she got the food my older sister sent her and if she could would it be possible to just ask her friend to use their phone to just call me and confirm it?


2 replies
bestVase7265 October 25th

So sorry that I missed again for a few days. Taking care of my own mom was really tough. I am glad to finally be home and away somewhat from her drama. Like your mom, mine won't take care of herself even after surgery so I just have to try to pull back. She will be in assisted living for a week so that should help. 

So sorry about the bad coffee experience. I know that the one tutoring job didn't work but that is an interesting thing to explore. @integrityblues

1 reply
integrityblues OP October 25th

It’s okay bestVase. Taking care of mom’s can be pretty stressful so Im glad that she’s got assisted living to help after surgery.

The tutoring wouldn’t be a bad idea but distance and subjects for tutoring would be the next stumbling block.

I did go to gamers group. It was nice. Someone ordered pizza.

Im sort of happy about going to the next meeting on my birthday.

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integrityblues OP October 24th

I’m exhausted. Finally had my chat with my friend but I ended up feeling a bit worse because we spoke about problems that don’t have good solutions. Like just refusing to talk to my mom since she’s taken to finding ways to get around my boundaries or trying to get Section 8 even though in my county and city Section 8 is only being given to the elderly or the homeless. The housing situation and trouble finding work is making it harder to ignore thoughts of just ending things, but I’m self-aware enough to know that it’s probably not going to truly solve anything. I’m just so overwhelmed.

I was so exhausted after that I took a very long afternoon nap and only woke up to check my phone and see that I had a text from my neighbor about some furniture another neighbor dumped on the grass because she’s moving, and could I grab it for him? I didn’t do it because I felt so awful still.

We started texting about how another neighbor is being relocated because the water heater in her apartment has been leaking for so long it’s damaged the beams in the floor and caused all the mildew she’s been dealing with this last year. That leak is why the gas was shut off in that building for over two weeks now, making it so none of the tenants have hot water or can use their stoves or heaters.

And as I was thinking of how the rent is going to go up after the one tenant moves away and whether or not my own water heater is going to leak and lead to all of those problems too, I just felt worse and worse about all the things I can’t control.

I tried to think of ways I can make things less overwhelming but couldn’t find a cheaper plan for home phone and WiFi since that bill is so high.

I have to go to gamers group tomorrow if only for an excuse to leave the house. I’ll wake up early to take a nice shower.

1 reply
bestVase7265 October 25th

Do get out to the gamers group. It will help. There are lots of things that you can't control. That is true. And some days are going to feel discouraging. You are allowed to feel that way.

I know that it all feels pretty horrible when those moments hit though. I am sending peace and strength.

I do believe that all of the things that feel like overwhelming problems that you cannot solve and are out of your control are solvable. It is just that the solutions can be unbearably slow. Keep your focus on the little stuff you can control. @integrityblues

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bestVase7265 October 26th

My mother continues to be quite annoying because she will not slow down and let other people help her. She got the full onslaught of me yelling at her on the phone today. I am not regretting it. But I do understand your mom drama even more at the moment.

As far as the tutoring goes, what is nice about it is that so much of it is online today. You could do it from your apartment and you would be excellent as an English tutor for instance. There are a number of countries, especially in Asia, that seek out English help on a regular basis. There are companies who do only that kind of tutoring and you can usually choose how often you want to work. The biggest challenge is the time difference. But there are also plenty of such companies in the US too. Do some research and see what you come up with.

I am so glad that the games group went well and that you will go on your birthday. That will be a nice way to celebrate. 

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integrityblues OP October 26th

Oof, yeah handling an annoying parent who refuses help isn’t fun at all.

I’ll have to look into the tutoring thing more.

Yeah, I think it’ll be nice to go there on my birthday. Everyone I know is busy and I’ll still be broke on my birthday (there’s a chance I’ll get my SSDI early because the 3rd is on the weekend) so it’ll be nice to get my free Starbucks drink and hangout with the group for awhile. There might be food or something, and that’s very tempting.

If the money comes on the 1st like it’s projected to I’ll take myself out to breakfast as a treat and then begin working on my piece for NaNoWriMo.

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bestVase7265 October 28th

I do think that the birthday plans sound solid. Having a place to hang out is always good even if you are still getting to know people.

I also love to hear that you are planning to do your writing again!@integrityblues

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integrityblues OP October 28th

I have a lot of mixed feelings about NaNo now (they shut down the forums that participants would use for support, and those haven’t been open for a year with some posts made by the higher ups not giving the answers we need), I’ll admit that even as I floundered while writing I could still thrive on the forums and make it feel a little worthwhile.

I finally decided that I was just going to write for the sake of writing and use the website to track my progress and maybe get a cute little winners badge next to my project.

1 reply
bestVase7265 October 29th

Writing for the sake of writing is good. Sorry that the website is no longer as supportive. Are there other writing websites out there that you could use for the support part?@integrityblues

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integrityblues OP October 26th

I dreamt that I was stuck trying to get me, my mom, and my younger sister to our homes. I chose the first bus I recognized and they both followed me on while I tried to use Google Maps to figure out the next steps. Everything I looked at said I was going home by 10 p.m. so I got off on a bus stop on the freeway and my mom followed after me but my younger sister stayed behind on the first bus. It drove away and I began figuring out how we could get home from that spot on buses that would accept our bus cards as payment.

I told my mom that if I took one of the six buses that came to this one stop I could get home by 5 and that she could take it too and just get off before I did and reach her home too.

Then I woke up with a bit of a headache.

1 reply
bestVase7265 October 28th

Sorry about all the mom/sister dreams. I know that situation remains stressful even when you aren't calling or texting back and forth every day. @integrityblues

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integrityblues OP October 27th

I got some distressing news about our courtyard filling with water and waste. I made the maintenance order for it and ran into the tenant who is leaving today. She confirmed how awful the mildew is and I commented that I wouldn’t be able to touch the things that will be dragged out and left on the parkway by workmen because I can’t risk bringing the mildew into my building.

I’m trying to not focus on it too much but it also makes it harder for me to do my tasks; I did only enough dishes to make breakfast and I didn’t want my use of water to make the flooding worse in the back.

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bestVase7265 October 28th

Hopefully the water situation is able to solve itself soon. It is hard not to know whether you can use water or not.

I can also imagine the stress with the mildew. I wouldn't want to get in close proximity to it either. The best thing to do is have someone else toss everything out.

I was in my office yesterday for the first time since the last storm and found mold on a table that I put on top of a desk to keep safe. My building is the only one that still doesn't have air conditioning so I am not surprised. But now I need to figure out how to get rid of the mold. @integrityblues

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integrityblues OP October 28th

From what I can tell nothing was done about the flooding or mess, but I didn’t go out to check. I just didn’t have it in me to go out while my neighbor was still moving her stuff which could still be covered in mold or spores.

I’m unreasonably scared about breathing them in or getting them on my clothes or skin and bringing them inside with me.

I agree that it would be best to have someone else throw it out but most often the workmen just dump the stuff all over our parkway or back into our trash cans.

For now I’m trying to remind myself that it really isn’t likely for me to breathe in the spores through my mask or get anything on my skin or clothes so long as I don’t touch anything possibly contaminated. Or if I do, I have to wash my hands really well with hot water and soap or use Lysol disinfectant spray on my clothes or shoes.

Hmm, I’d say try vinegar on the desk and table because the internet says it’s works better than bleach on both porous and non-porous surfaces.

I’m so glad that you’ve gotten to go to the office! One more step to getting back on a normal routine.

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bestVase7265 October 29th

I agree that the mask and the hot soap and water should be good enough protection especially if the stuff is outside rather than inside. As long as you aren't carrying it, you should be good. The resident could also have been exaggerating a bit about how bad it really was. I would at a bare minimum attempt to go outside again.

I cleaned off the table today with just some soap and water and that looks like it did the trick. I also bought a container of damp rid (they are nice and cheap - I was surprised) and ran a fan in my office all day. It wasn't too bad even without the air conditioning, but I only stayed a few hours because I didn't want mold exposure for too long. I will probably do the same tomorrow. @integrityblues

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