My 7 Cups Dream Journal

Keep reminding yourself that each Zoom call you are learning. You can really imagine your skill set and what kinds of travel you can handle. The job part of it is coming because you are trying.

I am glad that you are getting to the gaming group. That is another positive step forward. @integrityblues

I didn’t get to go to gamer group today. I woke up to no internet or landline so I contacted my provider and had to wait for

a technician to come see. It was actually an outage not many had reported but by the time we figured out I was going to have to wait for the outage to be resolved to gain back both it was too late and I was too annoyed to go outside just for games.

That makes sense. Sorry for the internet outage. It sounds like a frustrating day.

How are you doing on the eating front? I hope that you at least got a meal in there that you enjoyed. I had a nice cheese and lettuce sandwich for lunch with some ranch dressing that I made.

Your sandwich sounds nice. I ate and drank decently.

My mom isn’t speaking to me now. All my calls immediately go to voicemail and she hasn’t responded to my texts in days. I think she might have blocked me so I asked my older sister to try contacting her to see if she’s okay.

I am glad that you are nourishing your body well. You deserve that.

It is okay that your mom is blocking you for right now. You do need a break from the drama. I know that you worry, but you are doing all that you can. She will get back in touch when she is up to it.

I hope that you have had a peaceful day otherwise. 

She got in touch and unloaded a lot: the reason why she wasn’t replying was because she loaned her phone to my younger sister. The boyfriend my mother helped bail out took the phone away from my sister and and also the SIM card for two days. The boyfriend also punched my sister in the face, knocking out a tooth.

My mom let my sister back inside to shower and sleep on the floor. No cops were called or reports filed, though my mom did try to tell them about the theft.

Now she’s talking about wanting to go to the bail bondsmen and have herself removed as the guy’s co-signer. I persuaded her to wait till tomorrow so she could at least rest, then I sent her bus directions.

Ugh, that guy sounds very dangerous to both your mom and your sister. I am so sorry. I know that you worry.

Keep remembering that you can't do much from where you are except offer a calm, peaceful voice of reason. You are doing that.

You need to take care of that voice of reason (you) though. What did you do to care for yourself today?

Sending peace. 

Thanks . I’ve taken care of myself as best I can.

My mom called me to say that she got it taken care of, that she’s not the co-signer anymore but she’s expected to pay $5,000 to the bail bondsmen because it’s what she owes them. Of course she wasn’t getting out of paying, I tried to tell her. She’s talking about a payment plan that will last till she’s dead.

So what does not being a co-signer give her exactly if she still owes $5000? It isn't something that I know a great deal about, but as long as he shows up for his hearing doesn't she get any money paid already back? I know it is a scam kind of system, but that sounds really rough for her.

I am sorry for you as well. How have you been doing on other stuff today? Are there ways that you are caring for yourself?@integrityblues

She felt like it would take the personal responsibility off of her I guess. I tried to talk to her about it but it was brief and I never got to it because she said my younger sister was there taking a shower and she was upset about it because her allowing it was going to make all her neighbors hate her.

From what I understand the initial $500 asked for was the 10% that the bail bondsmen ask for the bail to be covered. The full amount of $5,000 is what would be refunded 30 days after the trial if the case was dismissed or the person was found not guilty.

If she actually explains more about it I can try and decide whether her demanding the 10% be refunded back to her and then being removed as the co-signer means she is still held accountable for the full amount of bail.

Its insane.

It is insane. The picture might be a little better than she imagines but it is hard to tell.

So the neighbors would be upset at your mom for letting your sister shower? It is pretty easy to make her leave after she showers, I would hope. 

But I can feel all of your mom's stress pouring off onto you. How are you taking care of yourself?

I tried to get her to explain more but it devolved into her suddenly asking me about my therapy after I mentioned that after a month I had a lot to say today. She wanted to know what my therapist thought about it and after some hesitance I told her that I was advised to call a number she gave me to report my Mom being mistreated as an elderly person and being taken advantage of in the case of this bail nonsense and how my younger sister keeps on coming back.

I have no idea how easily my sister leaves after her shower. The point is my mom knows her manager said no more and that this behavior could get her evicted.

After I had my talk with my mom I felt very stupid for saying anything about what my therapist said, then texted my mom and asked her not to ask questions like that again.

Then I went on a walk to the store to get some cereal and saw plenty of dogs.

Dreamt that the crawl space beneath my apartment was opened and filling with water from these pipes that were either broken or let to run as the repairmen left to go and get something else. No one turned off the water so I was horrified to see that my favorite stray (the one who doesn’t come around any more or is dead) coming closer to investigate the open space beneath the building. He got into the water and sort of started swimming but I still tried to get him out because the repairmen could come back anytime and close everything up, leaving him and the other cats who went there stuck in the water till they drowned.

I actually think that you did a good thing in telling your mom that your therapist suggested calling someone about elder mistreatment. It was exactly what your mom needed to hear from an outside source. Your therapist isn't someone who is intimately involved with the situation. When you say "Mom you need to make her leave because she is abusing you" your mom is going to dismiss you as just a family member with a history with your sister. When your objective therapist says the same thing then your mom might stand up and take notice. That might take a few days for your mom to think through it, but it puts her on a better road to making the right decisions.

I am glad that you got to go out and get cereal and see some dogs. Did you see any nice looking ones? Keep doing things like this so you are less overwhelmed.

I am sorry about the water and stray animal dream. That sounds like a hard one. Sending some more peaceful vibes for this evening's dreams.

I’m so tired of this.

I got back to my mom and she’s upset because the ex-boyfriend who was going to come over and give the dog a bath can’t now, either because of the recluse spider bite he has or that he’s fighting with his new girlfriend and wants to get back to rehab then leave everything behind and move out of state. No wonder considering how much trouble my sister has been and how my mom calls on him for everything.

My younger sister also showed up today weighed down by her 6 bags of stuff since she has no cart to drag it with. She argued with my mom again and it’s made my mom feel awful but she refuses to go into more detail. Just that the manager or her neighbors are mad.

I went against my rule and told her that if she was okay with the idea I could come over and give the dog a bath since he needs one so badly. She said no, obviously and I regret offering.

My mom also broke her improvised leash and is going to go to the supermarket to try and get a new one. The poor dog is having awful diarrhea so I hope she gets something now so she can safely walk him. I told her to cook rice for him because it’ll settle his stomach but I don’t think she did it or she kept giving him his usual feed with a small amount of rice.

This dream was a two parter.

I first dreamt that an upstairs neighbor that I don’t have in real life was so upset at me that the made a mess of the back of our property that had become a yard…they left me a message written with piles of poop, literally saying that I’d better do a better job at cleaning the property. I was horrified by the mess and the neighbor was arrested within seconds.

The second one was about me being stuck at home waiting for my mother. I wasn’t feeling well and I waited as long as I could but went to the hospital without confirming what happened to my mom. I made it to the hospital and was being seen by a few drs who left after a brief examination and then didn’t come back. I got upset with myself and wanted to go back home, so I hopped off the gurney and started walking to my bus stop. I didn’t make it far when an intercom started to call my name to get me back in there.

I went back and saw the drs again but as soon as I was back they started forcing me to remain in place. One had to get a decent grip on me to use a needle to either inject something into my throat or draw blood. I couldn’t tell which. I started to feel very sick and they got so mad at me when I said I’d taken my MS shot later than I should and we’re talking about how I’d have to stay for awhile possibly overnight because of what they’d given me.

I began sobbing because they kept suggesting that someone could pick me up since I wouldn’t be in any state to get myself home, and I told them that my mom can’t because I can’t find her.

Ugh.

Ok, well you can see the tension in your dreams as I am sure you are well aware. I am sorry for that.

Your notes have also become all focused on your mom and sister again. It would help you to step back from their drama as much as you can for a bit. You really can't do anything about it. 

Rebuild your place of strength by focusing on you. You haven't really mentioned yourself in a couple of days. From past messages, I know when you stop doing that then you aren't really caring for yourself or moving your own life forward. You simply get too exhausted.

Do you have a bit more money to eat now? How is the job hunt going? Is there something good that you have seen or read in the last few days?

It’s been very hard for me to step away from this stuff with my mom and sister. There’s always this hint that something terrible could happen, and of course I’d never find out unless a third party said anything. I’m so worried about my mother dying, or losing her dumb apartment, or my younger sister ruining everything that I have to keep contact. Everything feels dangerous now as my mom just continues to wave away what I’m saying as it all continues to escalate.

I’m doing the bare minimum for myself. I was able to go shopping today because my food stamps came in. I applied for three jobs yesterday after my Zoom appointment.

I’m tired all the time. I watch Netflix. And I’ve been dealing with how horribly hot it is.

I totally get where all those worries are and your fears are legitimate. But you aren't going to be able to force your mom or your sister to make better decisions. When you put it all on yourself like that the only one who loses out is you because you are living in a world of just tension.

What I am suggesting is really, really hard. You are trying to do it in getting the food and doing the job interviews. Both of those are successes. As much as you can focus on them.

What exactly are you eating? Options that are slightly healthier may give you more energy to deal with everything else. I know that comfort foods are probably go to foods at the moment, but do think about what will give you the most strength to deal with your mom and sister.

What are you watching on Netflix? Are you choosing some "feel good" options where people are kind to one another or you can watch animals?

You can do this. Things are going to get better.

My mom’s phone isn’t allowing her to make calls out or accept calls from me because they immediately go to voicemail. I’ve tried to give her advice about what the issue might be told her how she could fix it and she’s not answering me any more. The most she did was say okay when I texted her about how hot it was and that she and the dog should keep nice and cool.

Finally I ended up just texting that we obviously weren’t going to be talking today so I’d schedule the next call for two weeks later. That if she fixed her phone by then, great. If she didn’t we could still try to text or email.

I’m just so stressed out. I’ve been getting plenty of comfort foods, but today I also picked up a nice tri tip that I’ll cook on my cast iron pan in the oven.

I’ll go to the store very early to get the vegetables I’ll want to pair with it and the marinade I’ll be making (a basic marinade but I’ll use cilantro and lime to swap out the lemon juice and Italian seasoning from my recipe) it’s the most ambitious thing I’ve considered in awhile. I also want some salad.

I’m experiencing so much tension that I’m almost grateful for this break in communication from my mom. It means I didn’t have to have a difficult conversation with her about me wanting to take a step back. I’m way too invested in her decisions and worry all the time about her safety.

I’m going to try and not focus on this for the moment. I’ll give my aunts and my older sister the update, then I’m out for awhile.

I’ve been watching How I Met Your Mother, The Umbrella Academy, and Call The Midwife. I’ve also been going outside for walks or errands and get plenty of chances to interact with the dogs getting walks. One even inquisitively booped my on the leg with its nose after I complimented the owner for how cute and sweet the dog was, but I had to keep walking and didn’t give the dog the pat on the head it clearly wanted.

You are actually doing pretty well from an outsider's perspective.

You recognize the stress and are taking a step back from it. That step back may be forced because your mom's phone isn't working properly and she doesn't want to fix it, but that is actually good, just as you highlighted. You can communicate but only in text or email. That is enough for a bit.

I love the idea of the vegetables and steak marinated together. Lime and cilantro are a nice combination. I am going to buy them both tomorrow myself for a recipe that involves roasted chickpeas, a cilantro pesto, and tortillas. We will see how it turns out.

I also like your show choices. I am about to start the next season of Call the Midwife and I am in the middle of the first episode of Umbrella Academy. That one can get a little weird sometimes. I also just finished the baking show around the theme of American fairs that was kind of fun.

The best part is the walks which help to ground you even if you are walking to do errands. You have got this. @integrityblues

My mom finally called. She had accidentally blocked everyone on her phone and a texting app my sister added was causing additional problems.

I told her that I wanted to step back and she seemed okay with just calling every two weeks and some texting.

I’m so worn out from the heat. My stomach is bothering me a little bit so I might not eat the steak tonight. I think I’ll just have a salad.

I have to get up and preheat my oven with the windows and front door cracked open. Then sear the steak in my cast iron before getting it in the oven to cook.

The two week plan is perfect. You will get all the vital stuff via text.

Sorry that it has been so hot. It has been hot here too. Last week involved tons of rain as well. Now it is a little drier but still pretty unbearable out.

The salad without the steak tonight sounds like a good option. I thought about you today as I was shopping. I need one lime for my recipe and all they had were bags of around 8 limes or so. I guess I am going to be eating lots of recipes with limes for the next few weeks. But the chickpea tacos were pretty good. 

I’m glad your recipe went well.

If you have too many limes for just recipes you could always add lime wedges to your water for extra flavor. The peels can also work in a pinch to refresh your garbage disposal, though I prefer orange or lemon peels for that.

The steak came out very tender and had a good flavor. I skimped on the cilantro and needed maybe another lime because the one I got was small.

The temperature was awful today so I did very little. I’m preparing for the Zoom call I’ll have tomorrow morning.

I am sure that I will come up with something for the limes. Maybe some lime chicken in the crockpot for next week and then something else the week after that. They will last a while. I am constantly using up some ingredient. It keeps things interesting. 

Do you have any fans in your apartment? I know that they do help a bit when the heat gets too much. Does the library where you might do the games group have air conditioning? It might be good to go for that reason alone. Actually any library air conditioning can help.

Glad to hear that dinner for you tasted good and that you are getting ready for a Zoom call. 

Sending peace and cool breezes this evening. 

Lime chicken sounds like a good plan.

I have a noisy ceiling fan and a brand new fan my aunt sent me a month or two ago. I have it on almost all day because it’s been so very humid along with the heat. It only goes off when I’m in the shower or when I’m out of the house.

My job developer completely forgot about our appointment so I had to push the meeting from 10:30 to 12:30. I spoke with my friend before the appointment and we discussed lots of stuff about me stepping away from my mother and the drama related to her so I can focus on myself.

My job developer was having technical issues on Zoom so we did a FaceTime instead.

I had my meeting and we discussed how there is more success for job seekers who are applying for food jobs and retail and less success for those with degrees. That I wasn’t selected for two of the three jobs I recently applied for. The third one is a CalCareers job but going off my most recent experience I could be waiting for a month to hear back. We discussed next steps and the next appointment will be for Thursday so no gaming group this week.

The gaming group is held at the same place I go for therapy appointments. I’ll try and go next week, hopefully it won’t be so hot then.

Had my last piece of tri tip for dinner and had the worst cold induced tooth pain as I was chewing. Yeah, the meat was cold because it’s so hot still that I couldn’t bring myself to heat it up. After I was done eating I used my water flosser for what felt like the first time in forever, then used my electric toothbrush. When I had a drink of cold water I experienced the same pain so I applied some Orajel. Thankfully next week I have a dentist appointment on Friday after my Tuesday MS appointment. I have my scheduled call with my mom that Friday too, so I hope nothing too painful is done.

This cold sensitivity is making me reconsider the ice cream I didn’t have the time or strong inclination to fetch in over 98 degree temperatures, but was thinking of getting tomorrow.

Instead of ice cream I’m think of getting Chex cereal because it’s on sale and will be easier to chew. If I start early I might have a chance to tidy up my apartment too.

You are doing a nice job in focusing on yourself here. I know not all of the day was pleasant, but I think it was easier than focusing on your mom's drama.

Sitting in front of a fan can really help so I am glad that you are doing that. Hopefully it will cool down soon. When you can find some air conditioned spots like libraries and work from there for an hour or two. It will make you less exhausted overall (coming from someone who lives in an area where air conditioning is basically a requirement).

Sorry that your job development appointment was late and not particularly helpful. You can't really do food or retail jobs so it is just going to take longer. But having that degree is really helpful because without it there would be even fewer opportunities. Maybe you can become a job developer like she is and work with people who are looking for work. I bet that you would do a nice job encouraging people. You could also do that remotely from home. 

Someone else that I communicate with on here had a sister who spent nearly a year looking for work before finding a remote job recently. They are harder to come by, but jobs are out there. You will find something that works for you.

I would have eaten the steak cold too with those hot temperatures. Sorry for the sudden teeth pain. Sometimes that resolves itself on its own. I am going to hope for that in your case. The Chex cereal does sound easier to chew. Is it BoGo? Then you could get two different kinds and mix them. That would give you some variety at least. And I know tidying up your apartment is calming so I hope that you get a chance to do that too.

I had to eat at Starbucks tonight because I was working late. I haven't done it in a while so the Pink Drink was nice and refreshing, but probably not very healthy.

I got three: the sale was buy three and get each for $1.77 so I loved the idea of cheaper and easier to chew. I’m tempted to go to the library with my laptop but I’m also not as eager because the homeless people camp around the building for the shade and enter the building for air conditioning and access to bathrooms or computers. I’ll reconsider it.

I’m glad you got a nice Starbucks drink.

I totally get not wanting to run into homeless people also in search of air conditioning. May you get some rain soon to cool things down.

The Chex cereal sounds great. Maybe you can pick up some raisins and sunflower seeds to make a chex mix kind of thing. That would be awesome for snacking. I do like my snacks.

It was a very long day for me. Way too many meetings, readings and classes so I am pretty exhausted. I was at work 7:30-5 Monday, 7:30-6:30 Tuesday, 7:30-5 today, and I will be there 7:30-9 pm tomorrow for a lecture. I may not quite make it on to 7 Cups tomorrow night... @integrityblues

That’s okay. You’ve got this!

I got my Covid booster and flu shot today. Maybe not the wisest choice since I started my period yesterday and the cramps were vicious this morning, but I took the chance to get it over with because next week is going to be busy.

My friend’s package arrived while I was at the store, so they put a helpful sticker on my door with the order number and the message that it would be sent to nearby UPS pickup location. It’s a ten minute walk away and I’ll bring my wire shopping cart so I won’t hurt my arms dragging it home.

Now I’m washing a small load of clothes in my tiny washer.

I’m lucky that the most I’ve experienced from the vaccinations is arm pain. No fever yet!

I had a dream about loaning my neighbor my vacuum cleaner.

I wasn’t doing very well today. The symptoms from the shots and the period hit me a lot harder, but I still made sure to take my medicine and go outside to move trash cans and sweep everything while listening to an audiobook. I had to drag out the hose while I still had the energy because my arm was hurting and one of the lymph nodes was swollen.

I went back inside and took a nap but was woken up by a call from my therapist saying that she had to cancel our upcoming appointment because she has to go out of town. I sleepily agreed and got up long enough to go outside and move the empty recycle bins.

I was able to schedule a package for delivery to my home again instead of going all the way to another spot and dragging it home in my current state.

Bur best of all was when my neighbor texted that he’d seen the cat I called Lil Boy, the one I saw get hit by the car in May and thought had returned a month later but hadn’t. I went outside and saw the cat. He came to me once I crouched and offered my hand. Same markings, same cut ear, same meow. I was so very happy to see him again but there was a fight going on on the street and he ran off.

I confirmed with my neighbor and he said he’d get the cat some food. He just texted to say that he still prefers his Meow Mix dry food and fancy filtered water.

It wouldn’t surprise me if I have a cat dream tonight. I want to be hopeful about this sighting. I’m trying to not focus on how he could just disappear again or get hurt and die.

He’s back for now and it should be enough. He belongs to the world and is the darling of the block.

I am so glad to hear about the cat. I remember how devastated you were! Now hopefully you can watch out for your purring friend again.

I am so sorry to have missed posting for the last two nights. 7 Cups keeps not loading for me and saying that the website is down. Hopefully that won't happen again.

I am glad that you got the shots, but sorry for the side effects. I am due to get mine in another two weeks. We all would dread the shots less if they didn't slow us down for a few days. But it does sound like you still got a bunch accomplished.

I understand. I’ve been in bed mostly because of how the shots have made me feel all sore and tired with a big headache. From what I remember you had quite the packed schedule for work this week, though it sucks that when you did try to log on the website wasn’t working. It happens at the worst times, doesn’t it?

My neighbor texted about the cat again. He was spotted relaxing beneath a car and was less skittish. I intended to go outside today but I’ve been waiting around for a package to be delivered again since it arrived while I wasn’t home last time and needed a signature. It arrived not long after that text: my best friend sent me a box of paperback books, a card, some stickers, and a Starbucks gift card! It was so sweet of her and I made sure to text and thank her.

Now I just have to handle a job development Zoom on Monday, an MS appointment on Tuesday, and a dentist appointment on Friday. I’d completely forgotten about the therapy appointment on Wednesday but made myself a note because the therapist called and cancelled it.

I dreamt that I found a homeless man in my apartment. He was stealing things from me while pretending he was just asking for my help, and when I found out I took my things back and I threw him out to frantically began cleaning. I was expecting guests for dinner so I had so much to do with cooking and preparations.

When everyone arrived I got the food out and mentioned the event. I’d just put served them bowls of what looked like chicken soup with thick egg noodles. They started swearing they could see white hairs from the homeless man’s beard in their soup. No matter how hard I looked and said it was fine and explained he didn’t get near the soup since I hadn’t made it yet my guests eventually got up and left.

Interesting dream. Maybe you shouldn't be making chicken soup any time soon.

It does sound like you continue to get yourself to a more steady position. That is good. All of those appointments sound worthwhile and you will hopefully see your feline friend soon. I love the idea of the books and stickers! That would have made my day if I had received them.

This week will be a little less exhausting than last week because I think I only have 3 late days in a row rather than 4. I am trying to not look down at the pile of work too much. I had a good trip with my husband this morning to the Asian market for some special flour (red soybean) and some gooseberries. I didn't find the gooseberries, but I will come up with something else to replace them for the recipe next week. It was fun just watching all the people standing in line. They always have such unexpected things.@integrityblues

I dreamt that I had a painful fake molar that shifted around as I spoke or tried to eat, but I had to pretend everything was okay and not draw attention to what was going on.

Is there anything that you are trying to keep quiet about at the moment? @integrityblues

Hmm, at the moment I’ve been trying to not say anything about feeling bad or feeling upset. This dream also is likely because I’m having reoccurring tooth sensitivity in one of my molars with a filling (I try not to drink cold water on that side of my mouth because it feels like an ice pick) and I’ve got my dentist appointment coming up.

I’m under stress financially and as I’m waiting for my travel check in the mail I’ve been thinking about just holding onto it till pay day so my SSDI check will take care of the amount I’m overdrawn ($48) and I’ll have the money ready to use on what’s important or just have some extra cash floating around because I have to renew my ID card next month.

My job development meeting wasn’t great. Because we’re finding no good new leads she suggested that I look for offices in my area so I can go in person with her and try to ask after jobs and apply. This makes me deeply uncomfortable and I didn’t even know how to look for offices in my city- I tried city of commerce to isolate businesses but got really frustrated. I ended up trying to find more places to apply from and got a Robert Half account so I could find positions but that was really frustrating too.

Sorry about the teeth, the money challenges and job hunting thing. Maybe for the job thing you could try looking for city directories, but chamber of commerce might work as well. You could also do a Google maps search. But take it slow. @integrityblues