Lost

@mytwistedsoul

Sounds like one boss is a little more open minded and sensitive to the needs of his employees.

But i have alot of (past) grudes with him.

and dont really like (appreciate) the "style" of work attitude of his. (kinda pressured/stressful)

and hard to communicate with him also

Don't need the super sensitive things to really talk.

Well... since you highlighted about crossing boundaries.

When you first said about fruit...I thought maybe it was a sensitivity to pectin. So you're basically a vegetarian?

Been on this weird diet.

whole-food, plant based diet.

although i have no choice but to get "budget" yougurt and milo which are "dairy" based.

(which i realised... that oh... so i am not vegetarian nor vegan - also i never inspired to be one. i just want to be clean/healthy/simple)

somehow, unknowlingly, i kinda "disliked" meat, oil, sugar, etc...

but often times i cant avoid them.

worst off, because of my relation with "bread, waffles, nut butter" with my parents, i end up making more "fake" bread/pancakes myself...

but yet i often have guilt when i consume them myself.

(fyi, despite what i am doing, my parents are still "spending" for themselves. hence now become double spending =.= more wasteage of money)

It's weird...I type the same way sometimes. Like the words are just spinning around in your head and you're just able to grab one at a time.

yea... it just comes and flow and it appeared on the screen.

Thanks for the link.. Some of the stuff looks really good. Although I did wonder about the eggs..although reading your blog farther along I saw it was the doctor, dietitians that pushed you towards it. For protein?

Really...? (Thanks for commending.)

If you like to see more of recent stuffs... (more cakey/bready, then i'll dig from my server to post.)

Yea... i hate all these stuffs, carbohydrates, protein, fats. Good and Bad carbs. Processed and Unprocessed. High and Low GI, GL...

Whatever fad, dogma there is.

I know the "lack of nutritents" of a vegetarian/vegan diet... but i cant help stressing over them. (irrirating and costly.)

That's why i cant eat what i (truely) really want.

Agreed..I've often thought it would be easier for me if people could just read my mind or if I could just use pictures maybe they would be able to understand easier what I'm trying to say.

wow... pictures.

not bad of an idea if you can do it.

i doubt it will be easy for other's to interpret. plus if it is those behavioural expression type of drawing... i think it will be difficult for them to understand.

hahas, mind reading. (yes please, download my brain. save my throat. i cant talk much. which is part of the reason i dont want to socialise. my throat hurts just after a short chat. worse off if the other party argues with me.)

What ever you want to share or don't want to. I won't push or pressure you into anything you're uncomfortable sharing.

(weird- sorry it's just the text on my end here looks different) (probably just me)

Thank you. Don't worry.

I think my "safety" mechaism is still functioning. (remember the breakfast thingy. i still have the photo of it in the dustbin.)

(Why this breakfast thing is easier to remember than self-care/being gentle...)

If you figure out the ultra pill for sleep please let me know!

I did met something close enough. Paracetomol + muscle relaxant combination (at least i slept for a good hour - 95% knocked out and the next day you be in zombie mode) although not the best... but at least my dizziness was more numbing...

However it requires doctor's prescription.

Otherwise like my earlier recommendation. sledge hammer. =.=||

I'm not too good with socializing either. I know I can get a little annoying with questions, like a kid asking why the sky is blue or something.

hahas, kids. They are more daring. Along with the questions.

Maybe you do need a break from cyber space. Or maybe limit it. Which would suck. But if you feel better away from it... if you decide to though...would you please just tell me that you are..not just disappear. It would make me worry about you.

Okays. (But i have a problem to disengage)

Just like work.

I know it's hard to remember. I know I don't all the time either.

(gentle reminder) Be gentle with yourself.

(wish... i could. thanks for constant reminder)

(but usually after typing this post... the message flies away...)

@mytwistedsoul

It would be hard to work with people like that. To be under alot of pressure and then to not be able to talk with them.

yea... exactly.

which i guess fueled some of my issues. (but i guess they are not to blame - proabably is more on how i manage)

There are somethings I don't like to eat because of it's texture. Or my I "think" I see something in it that looks like a bug, it actually a spice or parsley. Something stupid and then I can't eat it. Food's expensive. And everything keeps going up and the healthier they claim something is..the more it costs.

yea. it is always going up. never down.

i dont really like it. hence the cautious-ness with $. but yet people around me dont understand why i stay "budget" or perhaps i went to extreme...

I love sweet potatoes. The mixed veg and oatmeal looked great! And the ham/cheese pizza. I eat alot of oatmeal, especially in the winter. I don't cook a whole lot, since it's just me it seems kind of senseless to put a whole lot into preparing a meal. More often that not I just eat supper in the evening. And honestly..it's usually just popcorn. Not real healthy.

yup, sweet potatoes. (one of my favourite mono-meals)

somehow oatmeal.... doesnot work for me in the morning anymore.

might try again.

wow serious popcorn? (filling? for me i keep worrying about sore-throat when dealing with popcorn)

Wouldn't that just make everything so much easier if you could download your thoughts like that?

Welcome to the world of Matrix.

Alot of times the things for self care are alittle too plushy, too sweet. Oh you're having a bad day..eat a piece of chocolate. Or soak in a bubble bath. Too cutesy. For lack of a better word. And your breakfast was something you were really looking forward to.

that's why i am abit confused, when dealing with self-care..

it is very puzzling.

yet hard to justify. what is right and wrong for individuals.

Ah a prescription... yeah that's not gonna happen. The sledgehammer does hold some appeal. Just a quick tap to knock me out. I imagine the headache afterwards would be brutal.

... ...

yea, gona suck..

Thanks... It is hard to disengage from the cyber world. Well sometimes, other time's I avoid it. Mainly because I'll find things and then I over think it and drive myself nuts.

unfortunately it is main bulk part of my work. (excluding internet - its the weird habit that i have now that is killing everything)

I understand. I have a hard time remembering it myself. Sometimes it just seems pointless and my self preservation isn't the best. Sometimes I think I'm just trying to die slowly. Pathetic on my part.

=.=

maybe sometimes just gona have to try another method or so.

or the old way of studying.

(repetitions until I remember)

Take care...be gentle with yourself.

Like i guessed. (Thanks)

(When will i ever remember...)

@mytwistedsoul

Sorry, not sure why i did not receive any alerts on updates on the thread.

Perhaps i accidentally clicked it away.

It does make things worse. Especially if you're all ready feeling bad about things. For all the people that say they aren't judging you, you know they are by the comments they make. And some thing's you shouldn't have to explain.

well it depends on the situation and the menality state at the point of time

It's hard to stay on budget, every week it seems like the prices have gone up. You try to save money but it never works. Things come up that you need to pay for.

Yea... it seems challenging.

Everytime i just have to keep balancing them until i am very tired and exhausted about it

Not filling for long. But it's 4 minutes in the microwave and I don't have to sit at the kitchen table to eat.

=.= okays...

The Matrix... those were good movies. Sort of feels like my life. I'm living it, but it's not really mine. Just waiting for someone to unplug me..

kinda sucky doesn't it.

It's confusing for me too. I know alot of people have their go to things when it comes to self care. But my laying in bed all day watching netflix doesn't make me feel better. I'm not into baths..just seems gross, sitting in dirty water.

Hmm, if you are "forcing" yourself to do something that you dont like... then why continue?

Unless there is a good reason, benefit behind it that you are pursuing for?

It sucks that the things that once brought happiness does the opposite. I go through that on here sometimes. Someone will make a comment about letting things go and moving on...like if I could do that don't you think I would have all ready.

It is.

Like stuffs that I value (although others dont).

---

Everyone's perspective and reasons for letting go, moving on is different.

(it is not easy to let go at times, even my own stuffs that i once treasured)

Write it down..carry it in your pocket or sticky note it some where you'll see it often. I have sticky notes every where to remind me of things.

Hmm... but sticky notes are just... scrapes of papers which can be easily misplaced.

Somehow i favour digitial data, but then too much data becomes overwhelimg also to manage..

Guess this is it?

My (unofficial) newer superior wanted me to ward myself since i am not putting efforts to help myself.

There is nothing that can help me, if i cant help myself.

Plus it has been so long, and the company may need to intervene if still nothing done.

Hiaz. Troubling.

@mytwistedsoul

I guess that's just my experience. Family wise. I know that I am far far far from a perfect person. But they made me who I am, if they don't like who I became, maybe they should have built me different.

okays. most important first is yourself. your personal care and wellness.

Then slowly work on others. helping others. fostering better relations (depending on your beliefs, wants, etc.)

actually perfect is how you perceived.

you may be already perfect now, just that you might want something "more" or additional, so that it becomes your defined pertect picture.

it is also partially true that parents "craft" their children, because habits/behaviours/characteristics are built over time

how each parent upbring their youngs, are solely to individuals and their beliefs. no right or wrong kind of things. unless you are referring to legally stuffs.

I don't think anything perceived as punishment is good for anyone. Yes you can push through the pain of excercise or work but anything you do with the intent to harm yourself isn't a good thing. I know that, but I still do it. I can stop for awhile, but something always pulls me back.

it is. (hence the danger. worse off for those who pushes through extremes.)

for me, my routines... though sucky at most times but i cap it daily 20-30 mins morning.

if i feel like it at very random days, i will add 1 more yoga session at start of the evening. so i can close off the day and bathe.

but for yourself and myself, i think there are times, we have to listen to ourselves instead of the body.

is like when you reach a critical stage (your mind is telling you to "stop playing games" kind of mindset), which i feel that it is a extreme signal to really "come to reality" (i.e. the stupid breakfast incident, etc.)

Is the other ward an option now? I can understand the need for rules. As long as they're reasonable. I mean there's rules for everything just about. They should just be realistic.

there are no other ward for the hospital i am attached to now. anyways i have been postponing the appointments for almost half a year.

if i go another hospital, based on the last assessment (1 year ago) they mentioned that i have to undertake all their tests ($$$) before they make their judgement. and usually likely is inpatient treatment.

I am going to assume that there are people trying to push you towards warding yourself?

yes.

Cause they cant help me anymore.

They have been giving me advices and recommendations.

But i am the one refusing to change.

Break routines, etc.

I hope you got some rest. Take care...as always be gentle with yourself.

Thank you.

@mytwistedsoul

Hey how are you?

hello twisted soul, somehow... its my 3rd cup of coffee... (hiaz.. i know going overboard...)

not sure why... anyways, coffee has no effect on my anymore. other than the usual cramps and stuff.

Sorry I didn't get back to you sooner. Honestly I wasn't in a good place to talk to anyone. So it's easier to just be alone.

It is ok. Dont worry.

Everyone needs their space.

Despite me loafing around 7cups for posts to reply. You can just ignore me. I'm just ranting here.

But yes, timeout is useful. And sometimes, if you go out in the "wilderness" might even be more healing.

You're right it is how we percieve ourselves. What one person see's as a flaw ,other's may see differently. I have a hard time seeing myself other than how my family see's me. Which is probably why I see myself in such a harsh way.

1. Yup

2. Yes. Indeed.

3. This is another thing i learnt about perspective. Although hard/challenging to apply at times, when your mind is habitually sided to the err or negative side. (like me.) Which defaults easily (comfort) to think on the side you prefer. Hence there are actually "good" sides of you. But yet accidently becomes sabotaging to self.

Imagine on my perfectionist. I always thought this is a problematic area. It gives me so much trouble in life. Never helpful.

Until my colleagues and bosses pointed out, you know it does gives you problems. But if you apply it at the right areas i.e. documentations, proof-reading, verifications, etc. imagine the reduction of system outages, human errors that causes disruptions, amount of reworks, can be saved. imagine the cost savings to the company later on, that could have been saved if you did not spot the error (thanks to your perfectionist mindset). Of course there are situations that needs weighing the pros and cons. But just quoting an example.

4. Yes. Indeed. Have to learn... to manage. Not easy

I liked how you phrased that..Crafting. Unfortunately, some parents are heavy handed when they are crafting their children.

mmm, not much choice. children are still young and care-free to be mature enough to weigh heavy situations.

plus, parents are there to be obeyed/respect also.

Right again! We like to push because it feels good at the time. While we may know that we shouldn't, we still do it. Sometimes you have to do what you feel is right and damn the consequences.

It is, it kinda suck. Especially the consequences.

Worse off if you shoulder it like me, throughout the day/rest of life.

I understand. May I ask, is there a specific reason for post poning or just the dread of dealing with it. I can understand just about any reason you may have. Especially when it comes to money and tests. Sometimes I think they like to drag out the tests just to make more money.

=.=

I am unsure.

There are times where it is due to a decision i cant make. even with the coin toss suggestion by many. I still backed off.

and otherwise is the reluctance of letting go of money

and probably the last is fear or moving out of comfort, like the feel of lack of security

Ah.. although I find change is scary and I take comfort in routine. Because, well for me a break in routine causes chaos in my world. So I need to keep to routines. Of course that's not the case for everyone. I do understand any fear and concern you may have about warding yourself. Ultimately it is always up to you.

it is up to individuals (or me in this case)

However, if that is where the biggest challenge.

without the self "push", there will be no change.

hence forever stuck in the rabbit hole. the blue pill world i believe.

I hope you have a good weekend..try to anyway. Take care, be gentle..yeah?

well, thank you.

but it did not went well, as i feel.

i tried to make food i like

yet i don't somehow.

sore throat inducing

food coma after every meal

lack of energy

yup. will do thanks again twisted soul.

you too take care.

remember if you need a timeout, go ahead. (take care of yourself first) dont force yourself to reply my posts please.

@mytwistedsoul

Hey how are you?

Something dont feel right. Yesterday and Today.

Yesterday, I kinda had a bad stomach day. Something i never felt so bad before.

Today, the morning run felt so bad. (Chest pain) for about a week already. Though i pushed through it with a slow run.

Now feeling so weird. Coffee did not help, almost puked my breakfast, which was fine yesterday.

Today was the first time in my life, to try something new.

NESCAFE DECAFE COFFEE

And I thought it will be some sort of "miracle" to assist with my addiction/abuse of coffee.

Yet, i felt even drowsy after my breakfast/coffee.

Feeling so hurt now.

Drank another cup of normal coffee.

Still feeling shitty. (I think it is not the coffee fault.)

Nah, I wouldn't just ignore you. Feel free it rant.

I feel very ashamed of myself. But thank you. Thank you for understanding.

As I opened this, I saw your post thread title again. Lost. That so describes how I've been feeling lately.

=.=

Perhaps it is something or an indicator that you and I should probably focus on work on?

Somedays it's hard to manage anything. Hard to find that middle ground. Because of mixed signals. Like, ok, you said that your perfectionist mindset causes you trouble but at the same time it's a good thing because you catch errors, saving your company time and money. Why's it have to be so hard to find that middle ground. I mean, sometimes it drives you crazy, you know it is, but you just can't walk away. Because that will drive you crazy too.

It is indeed. I presumed you felt before in similar ways. Hence the ability to explain my thoughts.

This is something although manageable, and takes practise to make a proper judgement of where to cut off.

Life, there are times we simply have to follow the nature's flow or time and go with the gut feelings.

Otherwise, there will be no end to it.

I understand all of that. I went through it not all that long ago. Letting go of money, especially on something you're unsure about, it feels a little like gambling . You spend all this money on something that you're not sure will work. And leaving what's comfortable, what's safe. That's really hard and causes me so much anxiety. I still have that problem everytime I have to keep appointments. And it's not even a new experience any more. I just think I should be over that part by now.

Yes indeed.

No matter how many spreadsheets i keep maintaining about my finances. I still felt very unsecure and the lack of control/tracking.

Appointments

Well, i just went to another GP hoping to get some answers about food coma, sleep issues.

End up being rejected and debutted that the issues are likely interlinked.

GP insisted that I should go back to my original psychiatrist/pscyhiatrist to look into the issues. Which I have been harping on, yet nothing done.

GP then kept barking me that herself is also a vegetarian (omits meat only) and not other food groups. and has been totally healthy without supplements.

And what made her different from me? There must be something i must be doing hence i am feeling all these issues.

Ended up leaving, nothing done, spent consulation fees on her...

At some point in time you basically have to decide that you've had enough. Enough time spent being stuck where you are and that it's time to take that step to move forward. It can be as big a step or as little as you want. It's terrifying, it's uncomfortable as hell but you have to take that step. There will be times when it feels like you're getting no where, but at least you're trying. And that's something that no one can hold against you.

It is.. indeed irritating and painful to admit it.

and worse off, i kept being dependent on others to "agree" or have some sense of security.

kept worrying that i am doing things wrongly, seeking perfection.

worrying that someone will hold me accountable, laugh at my problems or stupidility or stubborn-ness

Was it something new, that you didn't like about it? How's your throat? I think I'd take a food coma if it made me sleep. Although no energy sucks too. Maybe it's a little bit of depression. Somedays I just feel like laying down, where ever I am and just, ya know, just let me lie here for a few days or weeks. I wish I could hibernate, like a bear or something.

well, about the food. i wont say didnt like.

but rather it did not turn out as expected.

Did not look like bread or mantou.

felt guilty after consuming.

felt groggy after eating a bit.

felt wrong'ed about eating gluten.

felt like its just empty calories. and no nutrition

throat still fuzzy. there are good days and bad.

i kept taking strepsils, medications, and smoothing chinese herbal medication syrups.

actually i have been laying for weeks if not months, especially after dinner. (6pm)

felt like i am wasting my life...

Thank you...I try but I'm not always successful either. It's hard to practice what I preach.

Okays.

I guess I've wronged about the "its only me" kind of thing

I hope you're feeling better, even if it's just a little. Take care, be gentle.

Opps... sorry...

As the first question, no...

Yes will try to remember to be gentle. Thanks as always twistedsoul.

@mytwistedsoul

Oh wow I'm sorry to hear that you feel so lousy. The chest pain is concerning. For a week? You really should get that checked if you haven't all ready. I mean, that's not good. The stomach..well that could be a bug, like the flu. Although..Nescafe decafe.. Yuck! That would make anyone feel sick I think.

its ok.

Who can help me "check" on my pains?

Don't forget, none of the doctors (i.e. company, gp, psychia/psycholo, etc.) are not willing to listen to me anymore.

Not very sure what happened... but it seemed slightly better now.

Although i had a very lethargic day for the rest of the day.

I ended my day at like 6.50pm. I also went straight for a dose of the panadol + muscle relaxant. I did not care anymore. Just wanted the break.

Still kinda woozy now.

Well, i wont say Yuck or not. But i hope it helps or as a starting point for me to learn to listen to myself.

when i want coffee, when i dont want it.

dont routinise it, dont abuse it.

make it because you wanted it.

i'll try it again later see if i can make another butter cup.

i might had over made the portion size, hence the weird taste

Don't feel ashamed.. You can say whatever you want or feel. Rant away. I'll always listen, I can't promise you any answers.

Thanks again...

I just felt sometimes it is not very nice only.

Some days it feel like there no end to it anyway. But yes..I do have the same, well I want to say problem, but I can't always say it's a problem because sometimes it's a good thing. But yes you need proper judgement to find a balance.

On point indeed.

This judgement thing, seems to be my problematic area.

But actually, it is deeply hidden in everyone of us. Is just sometimes we accidentally hide it within ourselves that we often forget about it. and placed something in front which covers our visibility.

With finances, well we talked before about how things keep getting more and more expensive. So it's hard to keep to a budget and it makes you insecure because how are you supposed to be able to save if you have to spend more to survive?

which was why i am kinda pissed on how to balance everything

which can never seem to happen

even most if not all, told me one simple thing "why do you want to earn so much for? to bring it along with you through your deathbed?"

what is the point, who will be happy?

The only thing I can think of is that everyone is different in their nutritional needs. Some people don't need as many calories as other's. You exercise daily, she may not. Or her idea of exercise may be a walk. I'm sorry she was harsh with you. It's a shame that people act that way when other's come to them for help. Then they wonder why no one wants to see a doctor. It's ok to tell people stuff like that but there's nothing wrong with a more gentle approach.

nicely said. it is actually dependent on individual. no single forumla, in this case diet, calories, food groups, tolerances, allergies, can be applied for everyone.

Hiaz, i dont know about the doctors, it just really dissapoints me. I don't mind with the fees, if we are doing it correctly. But there is no point I feel if we are spending for the sake of motion, or just performing neligible stuffs.

Not forgetting the waste of time.

When other's agree with us it does give a sense of security. I can see being held accountable, because well ultimately it's our own actions and thoughts that lead us where we are. But no one should laugh at your problems. Or anyone's problems for that matter.

Why i always liked this behaviour is because i do not wish to be held accountable. And it is easy to push blame to others.

This becomes something that I am very lazy of. And hope that it can be picked up by others.

Which actually is not very healthy.

Its like me trying to obtain stuffs, etc.. that I want. (even that simple nescafe decafe, took me ages just to get it)

Someone just did. They screamed at my food being pungent.

I felt so bad and sorry. I almost wanted to quit the job in the office.

Do you normally avoid glutens? maybe it's an allergy to it? It could be that your body just isn't used to it. I heard somewhere that you can develope new allergies at anytime.

No. Why i avoided was due to social media, internet articles.

There are also others de-myth-ing it.

Allergies wise there are many forms, celieac, gluten-intolerant, digestion, etc.

There are even articles saying that gluten-free does not meant it is healthy either.

So i dont even know which direction i should head towards.

Not really about my body being used or not. It used to be my staple every breakfast (store bought bread kind, not like now for the past 2 years where i selfmake)

yea allergies, or anything can be easily somehow encountered.

i was reading about adrenal fatigue. which is just a term. not even medical diagnosis. but it somewhat resonates me.

It still could be depression. I know you must feel frustrated about not being able to find answer's that you're looking for. And with the doctors being so harsh when they tell you things...well I'd feel the same way and that leads to over thinking and as your frustration deepens so does the depression.

hiaz...

sometimes i feel, maybe perhaps me do not have any of those issues at all.

its all in the mind. perhaps just think on the other side and things will improve... etc...

I think everyone feels like that.. I'm the only one. Mainly because it's hard to other people to understand where we're coming from. Or you just don't say anything because well...people judge. or jump to conclusions. We all see things from our own point of view..it doesn't matter how hard we try to see it from someone else's. It's our point of view that matter's to us the most. Like for me.. I always feel like I'm intruding on someone's time and their day if I take a problem to them. They say I'm not but it feels that way to me.

Make it 2, or the both of us.

Jumping to conclusions or assumptions, is always the quickest and deadlyiest problem, because it is the "fight or flight" mechanism of the body whenever it senses "danger" or something foreign.

You're welcome.. I just wish I could be more helpful to you.

Take care of yourself...Be gentle

It is ok...

Actually don't have to be "more" helpful.

I think yourself being here. Replying to me. Has been great already.

I do also understand that this cannot be long term or forever.

The help, the support, the chat, will definitely end one day.

Although i am very fearful of it.

@mytwistedsoul

Sorry..I didn't really think.. all though I did after I got through your post. About the doctors not being helpful. It's just..well..chest pains.. ya know? You sleep then? After you end your day?

Its ok.. it just like the lost-ness stage i am in now.

Yea. kinda almost, well right almost after dinner. about half-hour plus later.

Well Nescafe..yeah it has a weird taste that gets worse the stronger you make it.

Seems to be kinda true i noticed...

But when slowly appreciated. it is very nice.

problem with me is with my large gulps, (sometimes coffee becomes my quench thirster)

So i actually lost the appreciation for it.

I feel that same way when I rant. I'll even catch myself thinking it's not very nice, but I still do it sometimes. It's just better to get it off your chest and off your mind. It doesn't have to be pretty. So don't worry about it.

thank you. thank you for comprehening and able to understand both of our situation. especially times like this.

Sometimes we feel our self worth depends on our finances.. to have alot means we've been successful with our lives. But yes usually the more money and things you have, the more you want. And you can't take it with you and you can't buy your way in to the great beyond whatever. It doesn't mean we stop wanting though.

I do certainly agree with the portion of the "the more you want" thing.

But for me, my problem with finance is that i kept having the sense of insecurity.

Like something is not planned correctly, and i am likely to suffer in future. Or that in case of emergency i cant fund it.

No matter how much i plan, save, document, etc. It just seemed something is "wrong"

That's why it is kinda painful...

Doctors...guess work in a white coat. Sometimes they have good intentions, more often though I just think of it as padding the bill. I mean I realise they have to narrow things down and to do that there are things that need to be done but still... And time ...for each day that passes..that another day gone, you can't get it back. But it's nice to see that the time was spent constuctively. Something to show at the end of the day.

hiaz. i dont really like this. it's just not right. I mean like its a profession. People depend on "you", hence they sought help from and have to foot the price. Yet the outcome/feedback is as such quality.

Time well... It is painful, and starting to hurt me. But no matter how or what i do think or try to plan or workout my day thoughts. It just never seems satisfactory.

That's one area that we're different. Because I hold myself responsible and accountable for everything. I'll be the first person to admit I screwed up. I keep telling everyone I am a screw up, because I am.

=.=

I used to have this bad behaviour of admiting its my fault. Despite not being mine.

Nowdays, my attitude changed, since all the issues started.

people around me noticed the change in behaviour.

resulting in poor delivery of my life.

There again .. there is always a more gentle approach, Ok yeah sometimes food can make things smell. Onions...spices, whatever..but it doesn't have to be handle with yelling. That must have been embarrassing... I'm sorry they put you in that postion.

Yea it was very embarassing.

Anyways, i started realising some of my symptoms. might be due to the spices (i.e. cinnamon, turmeric) that i have been adding.

Yes, i learnt these tactics through online "fad" diets.

Despite them having medical benefits.

Well maybe it is not really for me.

There are so many things on the internet that contradict each other. Even the simple stuff and it seems they change their thinking on things every so often. So I don't put a whole lot into what I read online, because one page says one thing, the next says something else. Which makes it all the more harder to find answers.

I've never heard of it..I'll have to look into, just to get a better understanding.

You know, I dont even know why i kept placing my faith on the internet.

Hence when ireach this stage, i dont even know who is right, who is wrong.

Until i reached a stage where i am totally... lost.

When I read something about a post about priorities in life. Then when i looked back, i realised the amount of time i lost.

Trying to understand, appreciate, diagnose, self-debate whatever what was right, or what was wrong.

The fight or flight issue... man that drives me nuts. Seems like I'm always on what I call red alert. About everything. I even get nervous about sleeping. Mainly because I can't, I guess. I have tried everything I can think of without medicating. But it might be coming to that. Because I can't keep not sleeping. it's exhausting ironically enough.

i can only say that the feeling of it is very painful and most of times sucky.

my headache is kicking in..

Thank you...it makes me feel good that our chatting may be of some help. Please don't be fearful that it will end. I know that things change, which is scary, and people do move on. But try to just focus on the moment. The here and now. Everything comes to an end eventually but I'm not planning on going any where in the immediate future. I mean yeah I might stay away for a few days, but i won't just leave you hanging.

I appreciate it very much.

Please do go ahead if you need the break.

Nevertheless, the moment the day if i am ready (or yourself) to move on from 7cups. I will remember to put a note here.

Take care... be gentle with yourself

You too, take care.

my head hurts. gona rest again.

@mytwistedsoul

How's you headache? I've been having problems with headaches too, especially this week.

Still there woozy.

Worse off, the office air was very weird.

Someone made it worse by wearing a body deodurant or colgeone that is very strong.

My throat hurt even badly (which i am already suffering daily. thanks to father's smoke, basic talking, etc.)

Increased my dosage on sore throat medications.

Woke up a few times again during the night... the throat worsens.

suddenly got flame (and alittle reddish)

hiaz.

i decided to tone down the yoga to basics.

Some days I go through alot of coffee, mostly I drink water through the day.

I find it harder and harder to drink water now. Even fruits also. Its like bloating me easily.

But i cannot let go of coffee, its like some kind of SOP, and alittle of addiction.

You're welcome...like I said feel free to rant.

That's an insecurity I think alot of people have. I guess because without money to cover things there is so much that can go wrong. Food, house..life. It's scary to think of what could happen without it.

Yea...

That's why i am always on the "fear" side.

And the constant thoughts just make things worse only.

Its like me preparing food.

If i dont "prepare" them, i feel worried that i have nothing to eat later or for the week.

Yeah I always wonder the same thing. I mean it's their job to take care of sick people but they treat you like an unruley child and lecture you on what you're not doing right. And if you don't agree with them, they seem to want to make you feel worse.

Precisely.

But they kept saying something on me. - Being stupidly stubborn.

Not accepting advises given by others.

It is possible with the spices. I know tumeric can be alittle weird with things. Like making you thirsty. And it could be affecting how your stomach feels. I know ginger and mints help with upset stomachs. Spearmint and peppermint are good. Dill can help too.

I tried ginger before (sliced and chew) - no different, and kinda not felt good.

mints well, feel guilty for eating them. plus the excessive "sugar" hidden in them

Even cinnamon can be scary sometimes.

You really have to be careful with what you take from the internet. I'd like to tell you to do what feels right to you, but I also understand how hard it is to figure out what is right. And then the self doubt and questioning yourself.

i find myself consumping the content very "quickly", and just trusting whatever i read.

worse off, "getting lost". and dwelling if it is true.

then it just spirals and becomes a cycle.

There are many times, where i start to even feel that i am starting to be wary/scared of computers. - the weird andreline and anxiety when sitting in front.

I'll do the same with leaving a note if I'm planning on taking off for good. But like I said not planning on it, I mean things happen, but I still like talking with you.

No problem. Understand.

I hope your headache feels better. I know how bad they suck. It just makes everything else feel worse...makes it hard to think sometimes.

Take care...Be gentle with yourself.

Yea... kinda sucky.

Will have to try. I need to get my food settled. I wonder how to with my body condition.