Lost

@mikenai22

I guess that's just my experience. Family wise. I know that I am far far far from a perfect person. But they made me who I am, if they don't like who I became, maybe they should have built me different.

I don't think anything perceived as punishment is good for anyone. Yes you can push through the pain of excercise or work but anything you do with the intent to harm yourself isn't a good thing. I know that, but I still do it. I can stop for awhile, but something always pulls me back.

Is the other ward an option now? I can understand the need for rules. As long as they're reasonable. I mean there's rules for everything just about. They should just be realistic.

I am going to assume that there are people trying to push you towards warding yourself?

I hope you got some rest. Take care...as always be gentle with yourself.

@mikenai22 I'd like you to check this song out.

Believe - by The Score

Thanks

@mytwistedsoul

listened. unique.

(erm, i'm not very good in interpreting/understanding lyrics - although can google for them)

(i'm more like listen for mood/energy/peace kinda of feel)

Thanks for sharing.

@mytwistedsoul

I guess that's just my experience. Family wise. I know that I am far far far from a perfect person. But they made me who I am, if they don't like who I became, maybe they should have built me different.

okays. most important first is yourself. your personal care and wellness.

Then slowly work on others. helping others. fostering better relations (depending on your beliefs, wants, etc.)

actually perfect is how you perceived.

you may be already perfect now, just that you might want something "more" or additional, so that it becomes your defined pertect picture.

it is also partially true that parents "craft" their children, because habits/behaviours/characteristics are built over time

how each parent upbring their youngs, are solely to individuals and their beliefs. no right or wrong kind of things. unless you are referring to legally stuffs.

I don't think anything perceived as punishment is good for anyone. Yes you can push through the pain of excercise or work but anything you do with the intent to harm yourself isn't a good thing. I know that, but I still do it. I can stop for awhile, but something always pulls me back.

it is. (hence the danger. worse off for those who pushes through extremes.)

for me, my routines... though sucky at most times but i cap it daily 20-30 mins morning.

if i feel like it at very random days, i will add 1 more yoga session at start of the evening. so i can close off the day and bathe.

but for yourself and myself, i think there are times, we have to listen to ourselves instead of the body.

is like when you reach a critical stage (your mind is telling you to "stop playing games" kind of mindset), which i feel that it is a extreme signal to really "come to reality" (i.e. the stupid breakfast incident, etc.)

Is the other ward an option now? I can understand the need for rules. As long as they're reasonable. I mean there's rules for everything just about. They should just be realistic.

there are no other ward for the hospital i am attached to now. anyways i have been postponing the appointments for almost half a year.

if i go another hospital, based on the last assessment (1 year ago) they mentioned that i have to undertake all their tests ($$$) before they make their judgement. and usually likely is inpatient treatment.

I am going to assume that there are people trying to push you towards warding yourself?

yes.

Cause they cant help me anymore.

They have been giving me advices and recommendations.

But i am the one refusing to change.

Break routines, etc.

I hope you got some rest. Take care...as always be gentle with yourself.

Thank you.

@mikenai22 Hey how are you?

Sorry I didn't get back to you sooner. Honestly I wasn't in a good place to talk to anyone. So it's easier to just be alone.

You're right it is how we percieve ourselves. What one person see's as a flaw ,other's may see differently. I have a hard time seeing myself other than how my family see's me. Which is probably why I see myself in such a harsh way.

I liked how you phrased that..Crafting. Unfortunately, some parents are heavy handed when they are crafting their children.

Right again! We like to push because it feels good at the time. While we may know that we shouldn't, we still do it. Sometimes you have to do what you feel is right and damn the consequences.

I understand. May I ask, is there a specific reason for post poning or just the dread of dealing with it. I can understand just about any reason you may have. Especially when it comes to money and tests. Sometimes I think they like to drag out the tests just to make more money.

Ah.. although I find change is scary and I take comfort in routine. Because, well for me a break in routine causes chaos in my world. So I need to keep to routines. Of course that's not the case for everyone. I do understand any fear and concern you may have about warding yourself. Ultimately it is always up to you.

I hope you have a good weekend..try to anyway. Take care, be gentle..yeah?

@mytwistedsoul

Hey how are you?

hello twisted soul, somehow... its my 3rd cup of coffee... (hiaz.. i know going overboard...)

not sure why... anyways, coffee has no effect on my anymore. other than the usual cramps and stuff.

Sorry I didn't get back to you sooner. Honestly I wasn't in a good place to talk to anyone. So it's easier to just be alone.

It is ok. Dont worry.

Everyone needs their space.

Despite me loafing around 7cups for posts to reply. You can just ignore me. I'm just ranting here.

But yes, timeout is useful. And sometimes, if you go out in the "wilderness" might even be more healing.

You're right it is how we percieve ourselves. What one person see's as a flaw ,other's may see differently. I have a hard time seeing myself other than how my family see's me. Which is probably why I see myself in such a harsh way.

1. Yup

2. Yes. Indeed.

3. This is another thing i learnt about perspective. Although hard/challenging to apply at times, when your mind is habitually sided to the err or negative side. (like me.) Which defaults easily (comfort) to think on the side you prefer. Hence there are actually "good" sides of you. But yet accidently becomes sabotaging to self.

Imagine on my perfectionist. I always thought this is a problematic area. It gives me so much trouble in life. Never helpful.

Until my colleagues and bosses pointed out, you know it does gives you problems. But if you apply it at the right areas i.e. documentations, proof-reading, verifications, etc. imagine the reduction of system outages, human errors that causes disruptions, amount of reworks, can be saved. imagine the cost savings to the company later on, that could have been saved if you did not spot the error (thanks to your perfectionist mindset). Of course there are situations that needs weighing the pros and cons. But just quoting an example.

4. Yes. Indeed. Have to learn... to manage. Not easy

I liked how you phrased that..Crafting. Unfortunately, some parents are heavy handed when they are crafting their children.

mmm, not much choice. children are still young and care-free to be mature enough to weigh heavy situations.

plus, parents are there to be obeyed/respect also.

Right again! We like to push because it feels good at the time. While we may know that we shouldn't, we still do it. Sometimes you have to do what you feel is right and damn the consequences.

It is, it kinda suck. Especially the consequences.

Worse off if you shoulder it like me, throughout the day/rest of life.

I understand. May I ask, is there a specific reason for post poning or just the dread of dealing with it. I can understand just about any reason you may have. Especially when it comes to money and tests. Sometimes I think they like to drag out the tests just to make more money.

=.=

I am unsure.

There are times where it is due to a decision i cant make. even with the coin toss suggestion by many. I still backed off.

and otherwise is the reluctance of letting go of money

and probably the last is fear or moving out of comfort, like the feel of lack of security

Ah.. although I find change is scary and I take comfort in routine. Because, well for me a break in routine causes chaos in my world. So I need to keep to routines. Of course that's not the case for everyone. I do understand any fear and concern you may have about warding yourself. Ultimately it is always up to you.

it is up to individuals (or me in this case)

However, if that is where the biggest challenge.

without the self "push", there will be no change.

hence forever stuck in the rabbit hole. the blue pill world i believe.

I hope you have a good weekend..try to anyway. Take care, be gentle..yeah?

well, thank you.

but it did not went well, as i feel.

i tried to make food i like

yet i don't somehow.

sore throat inducing

food coma after every meal

lack of energy

yup. will do thanks again twisted soul.

you too take care.

remember if you need a timeout, go ahead. (take care of yourself first) dont force yourself to reply my posts please.

@mikenai22 Hey how are you?

Nah, I wouldn't just ignore you. Feel free it rant.

As I opened this, I saw your post thread title again. Lost. That so describes how I've been feeling lately.

Somedays it's hard to manage anything. Hard to find that middle ground. Because of mixed signals. Like, ok, you said that your perfectionist mindset causes you trouble but at the same time it's a good thing because you catch errors, saving your company time and money. Why's it have to be so hard to find that middle ground. I mean, sometimes it drives you crazy, you know it is, but you just can't walk away. Because that will drive you crazy too.

I understand all of that. I went through it not all that long ago. Letting go of money, especially on something you're unsure about, it feels a little like gambling . You spend all this money on something that you're not sure will work. And leaving what's comfortable, what's safe. That's really hard and causes me so much anxiety. I still have that problem everytime I have to keep appointments. And it's not even a new experience any more. I just think I should be over that part by now.

At some point in time you basically have to decide that you've had enough. Enough time spent being stuck where you are and that it's time to take that step to move forward. It can be as big a step or as little as you want. It's terrifying, it's uncomfortable as hell but you have to take that step. There will be times when it feels like you're getting no where, but at least you're trying. And that's something that no one can hold against you.

Was it something new, that you didn't like about it? How's your throat? I think I'd take a food coma if it made me sleep. Although no energy sucks too. Maybe it's a little bit of depression. Somedays I just feel like laying down, where ever I am and just, ya know, just let me lie here for a few days or weeks. I wish I could hibernate, like a bear or something.

Thank you...I try but I'm not always successful either. It's hard to practice what I preach.

I hope you're feeling better, even if it's just a little. Take care, be gentle.

@mytwistedsoul

Hey how are you?

Something dont feel right. Yesterday and Today.

Yesterday, I kinda had a bad stomach day. Something i never felt so bad before.

Today, the morning run felt so bad. (Chest pain) for about a week already. Though i pushed through it with a slow run.

Now feeling so weird. Coffee did not help, almost puked my breakfast, which was fine yesterday.

Today was the first time in my life, to try something new.

NESCAFE DECAFE COFFEE

And I thought it will be some sort of "miracle" to assist with my addiction/abuse of coffee.

Yet, i felt even drowsy after my breakfast/coffee.

Feeling so hurt now.

Drank another cup of normal coffee.

Still feeling shitty. (I think it is not the coffee fault.)

Nah, I wouldn't just ignore you. Feel free it rant.

I feel very ashamed of myself. But thank you. Thank you for understanding.

As I opened this, I saw your post thread title again. Lost. That so describes how I've been feeling lately.

=.=

Perhaps it is something or an indicator that you and I should probably focus on work on?

Somedays it's hard to manage anything. Hard to find that middle ground. Because of mixed signals. Like, ok, you said that your perfectionist mindset causes you trouble but at the same time it's a good thing because you catch errors, saving your company time and money. Why's it have to be so hard to find that middle ground. I mean, sometimes it drives you crazy, you know it is, but you just can't walk away. Because that will drive you crazy too.

It is indeed. I presumed you felt before in similar ways. Hence the ability to explain my thoughts.

This is something although manageable, and takes practise to make a proper judgement of where to cut off.

Life, there are times we simply have to follow the nature's flow or time and go with the gut feelings.

Otherwise, there will be no end to it.

I understand all of that. I went through it not all that long ago. Letting go of money, especially on something you're unsure about, it feels a little like gambling . You spend all this money on something that you're not sure will work. And leaving what's comfortable, what's safe. That's really hard and causes me so much anxiety. I still have that problem everytime I have to keep appointments. And it's not even a new experience any more. I just think I should be over that part by now.

Yes indeed.

No matter how many spreadsheets i keep maintaining about my finances. I still felt very unsecure and the lack of control/tracking.

Appointments

Well, i just went to another GP hoping to get some answers about food coma, sleep issues.

End up being rejected and debutted that the issues are likely interlinked.

GP insisted that I should go back to my original psychiatrist/pscyhiatrist to look into the issues. Which I have been harping on, yet nothing done.

GP then kept barking me that herself is also a vegetarian (omits meat only) and not other food groups. and has been totally healthy without supplements.

And what made her different from me? There must be something i must be doing hence i am feeling all these issues.

Ended up leaving, nothing done, spent consulation fees on her...

At some point in time you basically have to decide that you've had enough. Enough time spent being stuck where you are and that it's time to take that step to move forward. It can be as big a step or as little as you want. It's terrifying, it's uncomfortable as hell but you have to take that step. There will be times when it feels like you're getting no where, but at least you're trying. And that's something that no one can hold against you.

It is.. indeed irritating and painful to admit it.

and worse off, i kept being dependent on others to "agree" or have some sense of security.

kept worrying that i am doing things wrongly, seeking perfection.

worrying that someone will hold me accountable, laugh at my problems or stupidility or stubborn-ness

Was it something new, that you didn't like about it? How's your throat? I think I'd take a food coma if it made me sleep. Although no energy sucks too. Maybe it's a little bit of depression. Somedays I just feel like laying down, where ever I am and just, ya know, just let me lie here for a few days or weeks. I wish I could hibernate, like a bear or something.

well, about the food. i wont say didnt like.

but rather it did not turn out as expected.

Did not look like bread or mantou.

felt guilty after consuming.

felt groggy after eating a bit.

felt wrong'ed about eating gluten.

felt like its just empty calories. and no nutrition

throat still fuzzy. there are good days and bad.

i kept taking strepsils, medications, and smoothing chinese herbal medication syrups.

actually i have been laying for weeks if not months, especially after dinner. (6pm)

felt like i am wasting my life...

Thank you...I try but I'm not always successful either. It's hard to practice what I preach.

Okays.

I guess I've wronged about the "its only me" kind of thing

I hope you're feeling better, even if it's just a little. Take care, be gentle.

Opps... sorry...

As the first question, no...

Yes will try to remember to be gentle. Thanks as always twistedsoul.

@mikenai22

Oh wow I'm sorry to hear that you feel so lousy. The chest pain is concerning. For a week? You really should get that checked if you haven't all ready. I mean, that's not good. The stomach..well that could be a bug, like the flu. Although..Nescafe decafe.. Yuck! That would make anyone feel sick I think.

Don't feel ashamed.. You can say whatever you want or feel. Rant away. I'll always listen, I can't promise you any answers.

Some days it feel like there no end to it anyway. But yes..I do have the same, well I want to say problem, but I can't always say it's a problem because sometimes it's a good thing. But yes you need proper judgement to find a balance.

With finances, well we talked before about how things keep getting more and more expensive. So it's hard to keep to a budget and it makes you insecure because how are you supposed to be able to save if you have to spend more to survive?

The only thing I can think of is that everyone is different in their nutritional needs. Some people don't need as many calories as other's. You exercise daily, she may not. Or her idea of exercise may be a walk. I'm sorry she was harsh with you. It's a shame that people act that way when other's come to them for help. Then they wonder why no one wants to see a doctor. It's ok to tell people stuff like that but there's nothing wrong with a more gentle approach.

When other's agree with us it does give a sense of security. I can see being held accountable, because well ultimately it's our own actions and thoughts that lead us where we are. But no one should laugh at your problems. Or anyone's problems for that matter.

Do you normally avoid glutens? maybe it's an allergy to it? It could be that your body just isn't used to it. I heard somewhere that you can develope new allergies at anytime.

It still could be depression. I know you must feel frustrated about not being able to find answer's that you're looking for. And with the doctors being so harsh when they tell you things...well I'd feel the same way and that leads to over thinking and as your frustration deepens so does the depression.

I think everyone feels like that.. I'm the only one. Mainly because it's hard to other people to understand where we're coming from. Or you just don't say anything because well...people judge. or jump to conclusions. We all see things from our own point of view..it doesn't matter how hard we try to see it from someone else's. It's our point of view that matter's to us the most. Like for me.. I always feel like I'm intruding on someone's time and their day if I take a problem to them. They say I'm not but it feels that way to me.

You're welcome.. I just wish I could be more helpful to you.

Take care of yourself...Be gentle

@mytwistedsoul

Oh wow I'm sorry to hear that you feel so lousy. The chest pain is concerning. For a week? You really should get that checked if you haven't all ready. I mean, that's not good. The stomach..well that could be a bug, like the flu. Although..Nescafe decafe.. Yuck! That would make anyone feel sick I think.

its ok.

Who can help me "check" on my pains?

Don't forget, none of the doctors (i.e. company, gp, psychia/psycholo, etc.) are not willing to listen to me anymore.

Not very sure what happened... but it seemed slightly better now.

Although i had a very lethargic day for the rest of the day.

I ended my day at like 6.50pm. I also went straight for a dose of the panadol + muscle relaxant. I did not care anymore. Just wanted the break.

Still kinda woozy now.

Well, i wont say Yuck or not. But i hope it helps or as a starting point for me to learn to listen to myself.

when i want coffee, when i dont want it.

dont routinise it, dont abuse it.

make it because you wanted it.

i'll try it again later see if i can make another butter cup.

i might had over made the portion size, hence the weird taste

Don't feel ashamed.. You can say whatever you want or feel. Rant away. I'll always listen, I can't promise you any answers.

Thanks again...

I just felt sometimes it is not very nice only.

Some days it feel like there no end to it anyway. But yes..I do have the same, well I want to say problem, but I can't always say it's a problem because sometimes it's a good thing. But yes you need proper judgement to find a balance.

On point indeed.

This judgement thing, seems to be my problematic area.

But actually, it is deeply hidden in everyone of us. Is just sometimes we accidentally hide it within ourselves that we often forget about it. and placed something in front which covers our visibility.

With finances, well we talked before about how things keep getting more and more expensive. So it's hard to keep to a budget and it makes you insecure because how are you supposed to be able to save if you have to spend more to survive?

which was why i am kinda pissed on how to balance everything

which can never seem to happen

even most if not all, told me one simple thing "why do you want to earn so much for? to bring it along with you through your deathbed?"

what is the point, who will be happy?

The only thing I can think of is that everyone is different in their nutritional needs. Some people don't need as many calories as other's. You exercise daily, she may not. Or her idea of exercise may be a walk. I'm sorry she was harsh with you. It's a shame that people act that way when other's come to them for help. Then they wonder why no one wants to see a doctor. It's ok to tell people stuff like that but there's nothing wrong with a more gentle approach.

nicely said. it is actually dependent on individual. no single forumla, in this case diet, calories, food groups, tolerances, allergies, can be applied for everyone.

Hiaz, i dont know about the doctors, it just really dissapoints me. I don't mind with the fees, if we are doing it correctly. But there is no point I feel if we are spending for the sake of motion, or just performing neligible stuffs.

Not forgetting the waste of time.

When other's agree with us it does give a sense of security. I can see being held accountable, because well ultimately it's our own actions and thoughts that lead us where we are. But no one should laugh at your problems. Or anyone's problems for that matter.

Why i always liked this behaviour is because i do not wish to be held accountable. And it is easy to push blame to others.

This becomes something that I am very lazy of. And hope that it can be picked up by others.

Which actually is not very healthy.

Its like me trying to obtain stuffs, etc.. that I want. (even that simple nescafe decafe, took me ages just to get it)

Someone just did. They screamed at my food being pungent.

I felt so bad and sorry. I almost wanted to quit the job in the office.

Do you normally avoid glutens? maybe it's an allergy to it? It could be that your body just isn't used to it. I heard somewhere that you can develope new allergies at anytime.

No. Why i avoided was due to social media, internet articles.

There are also others de-myth-ing it.

Allergies wise there are many forms, celieac, gluten-intolerant, digestion, etc.

There are even articles saying that gluten-free does not meant it is healthy either.

So i dont even know which direction i should head towards.

Not really about my body being used or not. It used to be my staple every breakfast (store bought bread kind, not like now for the past 2 years where i selfmake)

yea allergies, or anything can be easily somehow encountered.

i was reading about adrenal fatigue. which is just a term. not even medical diagnosis. but it somewhat resonates me.

It still could be depression. I know you must feel frustrated about not being able to find answer's that you're looking for. And with the doctors being so harsh when they tell you things...well I'd feel the same way and that leads to over thinking and as your frustration deepens so does the depression.

hiaz...

sometimes i feel, maybe perhaps me do not have any of those issues at all.

its all in the mind. perhaps just think on the other side and things will improve... etc...

I think everyone feels like that.. I'm the only one. Mainly because it's hard to other people to understand where we're coming from. Or you just don't say anything because well...people judge. or jump to conclusions. We all see things from our own point of view..it doesn't matter how hard we try to see it from someone else's. It's our point of view that matter's to us the most. Like for me.. I always feel like I'm intruding on someone's time and their day if I take a problem to them. They say I'm not but it feels that way to me.

Make it 2, or the both of us.

Jumping to conclusions or assumptions, is always the quickest and deadlyiest problem, because it is the "fight or flight" mechanism of the body whenever it senses "danger" or something foreign.

You're welcome.. I just wish I could be more helpful to you.

Take care of yourself...Be gentle

It is ok...

Actually don't have to be "more" helpful.

I think yourself being here. Replying to me. Has been great already.

I do also understand that this cannot be long term or forever.

The help, the support, the chat, will definitely end one day.

Although i am very fearful of it.

@mikenai22

Sorry..I didn't really think.. all though I did after I got through your post. About the doctors not being helpful. It's just..well..chest pains.. ya know? You sleep then? After you end your day?

Well Nescafe..yeah it has a weird taste that gets worse the stronger you make it.

I feel that same way when I rant. I'll even catch myself thinking it's not very nice, but I still do it sometimes. It's just better to get it off your chest and off your mind. It doesn't have to be pretty. So don't worry about it.

Sometimes we feel our self worth depends on our finances.. to have alot means we've been successful with our lives. But yes usually the more money and things you have, the more you want. And you can't take it with you and you can't buy your way in to the great beyond whatever. It doesn't mean we stop wanting though.

Doctors...guess work in a white coat. Sometimes they have good intentions, more often though I just think of it as padding the bill. I mean I realise they have to narrow things down and to do that there are things that need to be done but still... And time ...for each day that passes..that another day gone, you can't get it back. But it's nice to see that the time was spent constuctively. Something to show at the end of the day.

That's one area that we're different. Because I hold myself responsible and accountable for everything. I'll be the first person to admit I screwed up. I keep telling everyone I am a screw up, because I am.

There again .. there is always a more gentle approach, Ok yeah sometimes food can make things smell. Onions...spices, whatever..but it doesn't have to be handle with yelling. That must have been embarrassing... I'm sorry they put you in that postion.

There are so many things on the internet that contradict each other. Even the simple stuff and it seems they change their thinking on things every so often. So I don't put a whole lot into what I read online, because one page says one thing, the next says something else. Which makes it all the more harder to find answers.

I've never heard of it..I'll have to look into, just to get a better understanding.

The fight or flight issue... man that drives me nuts. Seems like I'm always on what I call red alert. About everything. I even get nervous about sleeping. Mainly because I can't, I guess. I have tried everything I can think of without medicating. But it might be coming to that. Because I can't keep not sleeping. it's exhausting ironically enough.

Thank you...it makes me feel good that our chatting may be of some help. Please don't be fearful that it will end. I know that things change, which is scary, and people do move on. But try to just focus on the moment. The here and now. Everything comes to an end eventually but I'm not planning on going any where in the immediate future. I mean yeah I might stay away for a few days, but i won't just leave you hanging.

Take care... be gentle with yourself

@mikenai22 I spun the wheel... I got bored, seems fitting

@mytwistedsoul

oh well, great to hear that you tried at least.

I spun the wheel out of curiosity.

just did not expect to get that "message".

@mytwistedsoul

Sorry..I didn't really think.. all though I did after I got through your post. About the doctors not being helpful. It's just..well..chest pains.. ya know? You sleep then? After you end your day?

Its ok.. it just like the lost-ness stage i am in now.

Yea. kinda almost, well right almost after dinner. about half-hour plus later.

Well Nescafe..yeah it has a weird taste that gets worse the stronger you make it.

Seems to be kinda true i noticed...

But when slowly appreciated. it is very nice.

problem with me is with my large gulps, (sometimes coffee becomes my quench thirster)

So i actually lost the appreciation for it.

I feel that same way when I rant. I'll even catch myself thinking it's not very nice, but I still do it sometimes. It's just better to get it off your chest and off your mind. It doesn't have to be pretty. So don't worry about it.

thank you. thank you for comprehening and able to understand both of our situation. especially times like this.

Sometimes we feel our self worth depends on our finances.. to have alot means we've been successful with our lives. But yes usually the more money and things you have, the more you want. And you can't take it with you and you can't buy your way in to the great beyond whatever. It doesn't mean we stop wanting though.

I do certainly agree with the portion of the "the more you want" thing.

But for me, my problem with finance is that i kept having the sense of insecurity.

Like something is not planned correctly, and i am likely to suffer in future. Or that in case of emergency i cant fund it.

No matter how much i plan, save, document, etc. It just seemed something is "wrong"

That's why it is kinda painful...

Doctors...guess work in a white coat. Sometimes they have good intentions, more often though I just think of it as padding the bill. I mean I realise they have to narrow things down and to do that there are things that need to be done but still... And time ...for each day that passes..that another day gone, you can't get it back. But it's nice to see that the time was spent constuctively. Something to show at the end of the day.

hiaz. i dont really like this. it's just not right. I mean like its a profession. People depend on "you", hence they sought help from and have to foot the price. Yet the outcome/feedback is as such quality.

Time well... It is painful, and starting to hurt me. But no matter how or what i do think or try to plan or workout my day thoughts. It just never seems satisfactory.

That's one area that we're different. Because I hold myself responsible and accountable for everything. I'll be the first person to admit I screwed up. I keep telling everyone I am a screw up, because I am.

=.=

I used to have this bad behaviour of admiting its my fault. Despite not being mine.

Nowdays, my attitude changed, since all the issues started.

people around me noticed the change in behaviour.

resulting in poor delivery of my life.

There again .. there is always a more gentle approach, Ok yeah sometimes food can make things smell. Onions...spices, whatever..but it doesn't have to be handle with yelling. That must have been embarrassing... I'm sorry they put you in that postion.

Yea it was very embarassing.

Anyways, i started realising some of my symptoms. might be due to the spices (i.e. cinnamon, turmeric) that i have been adding.

Yes, i learnt these tactics through online "fad" diets.

Despite them having medical benefits.

Well maybe it is not really for me.

There are so many things on the internet that contradict each other. Even the simple stuff and it seems they change their thinking on things every so often. So I don't put a whole lot into what I read online, because one page says one thing, the next says something else. Which makes it all the more harder to find answers.

I've never heard of it..I'll have to look into, just to get a better understanding.

You know, I dont even know why i kept placing my faith on the internet.

Hence when ireach this stage, i dont even know who is right, who is wrong.

Until i reached a stage where i am totally... lost.

When I read something about a post about priorities in life. Then when i looked back, i realised the amount of time i lost.

Trying to understand, appreciate, diagnose, self-debate whatever what was right, or what was wrong.

The fight or flight issue... man that drives me nuts. Seems like I'm always on what I call red alert. About everything. I even get nervous about sleeping. Mainly because I can't, I guess. I have tried everything I can think of without medicating. But it might be coming to that. Because I can't keep not sleeping. it's exhausting ironically enough.

i can only say that the feeling of it is very painful and most of times sucky.

my headache is kicking in..

Thank you...it makes me feel good that our chatting may be of some help. Please don't be fearful that it will end. I know that things change, which is scary, and people do move on. But try to just focus on the moment. The here and now. Everything comes to an end eventually but I'm not planning on going any where in the immediate future. I mean yeah I might stay away for a few days, but i won't just leave you hanging.

I appreciate it very much.

Please do go ahead if you need the break.

Nevertheless, the moment the day if i am ready (or yourself) to move on from 7cups. I will remember to put a note here.

Take care... be gentle with yourself

You too, take care.

my head hurts. gona rest again.

@mikenai22 How's you headache? I've been having problems with headaches too, especially this week.

Some days I go through alot of coffee, mostly I drink water through the day.

You're welcome...like I said feel free to rant.

That's an insecurity I think alot of people have. I guess because without money to cover things there is so much that can go wrong. Food, house..life. It's scary to think of what could happen without it.

Yeah I always wonder the same thing. I mean it's their job to take care of sick people but they treat you like an unruley child and lecture you on what you're not doing right. And if you don't agree with them, they seem to want to make you feel worse.

It is possible with the spices. I know tumeric can be alittle weird with things. Like making you thirsty. And it could be affecting how your stomach feels. I know ginger and mints help with upset stomachs. Spearmint and peppermint are good. Dill can help too.

You really have to be careful with what you take from the internet. I'd like to tell you to do what feels right to you, but I also understand how hard it is to figure out what is right. And then the self doubt and questioning yourself.

I'll do the same with leaving a note if I'm planning on taking off for good. But like I said not planning on it, I mean things happen, but I still like talking with you.

I hope your headache feels better. I know how bad they suck. It just makes everything else feel worse...makes it hard to think sometimes.

Take care...Be gentle with yourself.

@mytwistedsoul

How's you headache? I've been having problems with headaches too, especially this week.

Still there woozy.

Worse off, the office air was very weird.

Someone made it worse by wearing a body deodurant or colgeone that is very strong.

My throat hurt even badly (which i am already suffering daily. thanks to father's smoke, basic talking, etc.)

Increased my dosage on sore throat medications.

Woke up a few times again during the night... the throat worsens.

suddenly got flame (and alittle reddish)

hiaz.

i decided to tone down the yoga to basics.

Some days I go through alot of coffee, mostly I drink water through the day.

I find it harder and harder to drink water now. Even fruits also. Its like bloating me easily.

But i cannot let go of coffee, its like some kind of SOP, and alittle of addiction.

You're welcome...like I said feel free to rant.

That's an insecurity I think alot of people have. I guess because without money to cover things there is so much that can go wrong. Food, house..life. It's scary to think of what could happen without it.

Yea...

That's why i am always on the "fear" side.

And the constant thoughts just make things worse only.

Its like me preparing food.

If i dont "prepare" them, i feel worried that i have nothing to eat later or for the week.

Yeah I always wonder the same thing. I mean it's their job to take care of sick people but they treat you like an unruley child and lecture you on what you're not doing right. And if you don't agree with them, they seem to want to make you feel worse.

Precisely.

But they kept saying something on me. - Being stupidly stubborn.

Not accepting advises given by others.

It is possible with the spices. I know tumeric can be alittle weird with things. Like making you thirsty. And it could be affecting how your stomach feels. I know ginger and mints help with upset stomachs. Spearmint and peppermint are good. Dill can help too.

I tried ginger before (sliced and chew) - no different, and kinda not felt good.

mints well, feel guilty for eating them. plus the excessive "sugar" hidden in them

Even cinnamon can be scary sometimes.

You really have to be careful with what you take from the internet. I'd like to tell you to do what feels right to you, but I also understand how hard it is to figure out what is right. And then the self doubt and questioning yourself.

i find myself consumping the content very "quickly", and just trusting whatever i read.

worse off, "getting lost". and dwelling if it is true.

then it just spirals and becomes a cycle.

There are many times, where i start to even feel that i am starting to be wary/scared of computers. - the weird andreline and anxiety when sitting in front.

I'll do the same with leaving a note if I'm planning on taking off for good. But like I said not planning on it, I mean things happen, but I still like talking with you.

No problem. Understand.

I hope your headache feels better. I know how bad they suck. It just makes everything else feel worse...makes it hard to think sometimes.

Take care...Be gentle with yourself.

Yea... kinda sucky.

Will have to try. I need to get my food settled. I wonder how to with my body condition.

@mikenai22 Hey How are you? How's your headache?

It was kind of a rough weekend for me until yesterday. Yesterday was actually a really good day for me. Even got some sleep last night.

I can't handle certain smells myself. Sometimes they cause panic attacks. Sometimes they cause other things.

It's weird how we can accept things from the internet but not from people in real life. I get anxiety sometimes when I want to go online. Not really sure why. It just happens sometimes. I think some of it is because I feel like I'm bothering people.

Ah..sorry I didn't think of the sugars in mint. What about tea's? Chamomile is supposed to be good for sore throats, green tea too I think. Or licorice. Which probably has sugar in it too.. Slippery elm too is good for sore throats. um..not sure how I know that but.. it might be something to look into or think about. I think they're all good for stomach upsets too.

Sometimes I do this thing..not sure if I can explain it. Like for a headache.. You close your eyes.. try to relax. Picture an empty balloon in your mind.. breath in and each time you breath out you're blowing up the balloon, but not just with air..with pain..when the balloon is full you let it go. Floats away taking some of the pain with it. Then fill another one the same way. Yeah sounds weird..doesn't always work but it does help sometimes, not always, but sometimes.

Hope you're feeling alittle better. Take care

@mytwistedsoul

Hey How are you? How's your headache?

Hello twisted soul.

Not very sure. I often get confused, when questioned this statement.

I can be honest, I can be "fake". Like to give a generic "I'm doing good" reply.

But if i gona be honest, people or anyone will just want to shy away from the topic. Like why must you be/react this way?

Headache, and the sore throat, ah well. Just put it this way.

I took the panadol with muscle relaxant - I'am down with a handful left... general practitioner refused to prescribe to me. along with sore throat medication i got from the pharamist, cost twice the usual i bought..

Got my "1-hour" numbness to sleep...

After the 3-4 days... today was kinda "better" i feel, exercise and workouts did not went well. or rather de-proving.

Felt painful with the $ spent.

It was kind of a rough weekend for me until yesterday. Yesterday was actually a really good day for me. Even got some sleep last night.

Has been hard on you. - Somemore you had to take time to reply to me.

And wow, happy for you that you managed to find time for rest and recovery. ^.^

I can't handle certain smells myself. Sometimes they cause panic attacks. Sometimes they cause other things.

Indeed. Indeed. However these situations are very difficult to control.

In 1 aspect, I cannot force othres to behave how i want them to be either.

Its like my father who smokes in the lift. Like he seriously gives a damm about the next user who is going to board it.

- Well you may have guessed it. Its me.

It's weird how we can accept things from the internet but not from people in real life. I get anxiety sometimes when I want to go online. Not really sure why. It just happens sometimes. I think some of it is because I feel like I'm bothering people.

Maybe because of the trending and how we, as in the world, perceive things now.

Where social media (even here in 7cups) becomes like a "next thing" where everyone just gets engrossed into.

Ah..sorry I didn't think of the sugars in mint. What about tea's? Chamomile is supposed to be good for sore throats, green tea too I think. Or licorice. Which probably has sugar in it too.. Slippery elm too is good for sore throats. um..not sure how I know that but.. it might be something to look into or think about. I think they're all good for stomach upsets too.

Its ok, Not really a fan of tea.

Chamomile, Green, Matcha, Brown Rice, Ginger, Curcumin/Turmeric, Chrysanthemum, etc.

I douno... i felt kinda lost, its like i am drinking now for the sake of it. Not because of the enjoyment. But rather what the internet says... this good that bad.

Until today, i am still fighting, troubleshooting about my stomach/intestine. Is it really pain? Or is it just me? Or is it because my weak back hence i slough, or eating in a wrong position? Or is it food intolerance? Food poisioning? Eat too much? Hunger? or overthinking? Or some serious stomach/intestine issue that requires intensive testing/checking to find out?

Or should i just put a strong upfront and act like i am not in pain?

Sometimes I do this thing..not sure if I can explain it. Like for a headache.. You close your eyes.. try to relax. Picture an empty balloon in your mind.. breath in and each time you breath out you're blowing up the balloon, but not just with air..with pain..when the balloon is full you let it go. Floats away taking some of the pain with it. Then fill another one the same way. Yeah sounds weird..doesn't always work but it does help sometimes, not always, but sometimes.

This is the problem i am facing. Its like the ability to focus or even breathe properly. its just missing.

Nothing is natural to me anymore.

I noticed it very clear when i am unable to focus during my yoga sessions.

All the breathings are out of place.

I dont give myself the time to really do it right.

All the stuffs are doing for the sake of doing.

Even food preparations, buying for the sake of... food? I duno.

Hope you're feeling alittle better. Take care

I hope so... I cant be spending my $ on medications.

Its not living. Its handicapped.

I wonder why i brought this to myself.

Thank you. You too take care, and hope you get better rest.

@mikenai22 It's hard to give an honest answer when you know that it's not really the answer people are looking for. I guess because,well for me anyway, it's the same thing also. I feel like I'm complaining all the time, ya know? I get tired of hearing myself. Like why can't I have a few good days in a row? Why's it have to be 1 out of a month or two. I get tired of myself.

Sounds like you had a rough weekend too. I'm glad your head and throat feel better, even if your workout's were not. It's never any fun when your head or throat hurt.

Yeah I'm sorry it took so long to get back to you. Thanks though, it was nice to get more than an hour of sleep. I read an article on anxiety and how 7-9 hours of sleep can help reduce it. I had to laugh, 7-9 hours a night? I'm lucky if I get that a week.

yes...It's not as though I can go around telling everyone not to wear certain colgne or perfume. You know..if your dad smokes...you could be allergic to the smoke. I'm allergic to wood smoke. Not that it stops me from burning wood outside or in the stove. But it does give me a sore throat and can and has turned into tonsillitis.

Yeah, I guess tea's not for everyone. I don't think pretending that you're not in pain when you actually are is a good thing. But at the same time looking into it any farther is intimidating because of the money that has to be spent to do it. A damned if you do, damned if you don't thing.

Anxiety could be affecting your breathing. If you're not giving yourself time to do it the way you want and you're getting nervous or anxious about getting it done. I get that sometimes..Go to take a deep breath and it's more of a shudder than an actual deep breath. And focusing..that causes me problems too..my mind isn't always where it need to be or I lose my focus at the drop of a hat. It affects everything.

It get's to the point where you're not living. Just existing, surviving instead of thriving. I'm just putting in my time until my time is done. At least you're admiting that it's not living..but now the hard part is how to figure out what to do so that you are living.

Thanks..I'm trying, somedays that all you can do. Just try.

Take care, be gentle with yourself.

@mytwistedsoul

It's hard to give an honest answer when you know that it's not really the answer people are looking for. I guess because,well for me anyway, it's the same thing also. I feel like I'm complaining all the time, ya know? I get tired of hearing myself. Like why can't I have a few good days in a row? Why's it have to be 1 out of a month or two. I get tired of myself.

But then even if someone "answers" the way you think that you are looking for, I find myself questioning "myself" again. if it is even true also...

Almost like my food coma thing, where i kept questioning what is going on. More carbs? Less carbs? Huge meal, Small Meal? etc. and the journey continues.

Sounds like you had a rough weekend too. I'm glad your head and throat feel better, even if your workout's were not. It's never any fun when your head or throat hurt.

Yea.. kinda sucky, full of medication.

Actually.. it kinda worsen just overnight.

Might go back to my company doctor. And Im sure he/she is going to be pissed to find out that i have not yet seen my psychiatrist/psychologist. I have no intention to for now.

Yeah I'm sorry it took so long to get back to you. Thanks though, it was nice to get more than an hour of sleep. I read an article on anxiety and how 7-9 hours of sleep can help reduce it. I had to laugh, 7-9 hours a night? I'm lucky if I get that a week.

Actually, i realised i been "sleeping" or maybe call on-bed for more than 8 hours i realised. Just that it is not a solid kind of sleep. Oh well, those articles, avoid blue light, no tv, no phone, cold temperature, no bathes, etc. I wonder if it truly helps or just another placebo.

But sleeping really takes up alot of time from us. 1/3 i presume..?

yes...It's not as though I can go around telling everyone not to wear certain colgne or perfume. You know..if your dad smokes...you could be allergic to the smoke. I'm allergic to wood smoke. Not that it stops me from burning wood outside or in the stove. But it does give me a sore throat and can and has turned into tonsillitis.

=.= kinda suck.. when you need to work around the forest area at times?

plus you enjoy walking around the woods. doesnt that makes things more difficult?

well allergy.. i dont know, even if it is true. He will care and stop for good? What do you think about it? I doubt so.

Yeah, I guess tea's not for everyone. I don't think pretending that you're not in pain when you actually are is a good thing. But at the same time looking into it any farther is intimidating because of the money that has to be spent to do it. A damned if you do, damned if you don't thing.

Hiaz. The choice of both which are poision.

Anxiety could be affecting your breathing. If you're not giving yourself time to do it the way you want and you're getting nervous or anxious about getting it done. I get that sometimes..Go to take a deep breath and it's more of a shudder than an actual deep breath. And focusing..that causes me problems too..my mind isn't always where it need to be or I lose my focus at the drop of a hat. It affects everything.

I do read around and learnt that this "breathe" actually takes practise. Same goes for meditation.

Its not really just sit there and wonder off..

It get's to the point where you're not living. Just existing, surviving instead of thriving. I'm just putting in my time until my time is done. At least you're admiting that it's not living..but now the hard part is how to figure out what to do so that you are living.

That is where i am very lost now.

Struggling to find self back.

Wanting to seek my pasttimes back, yet struggling to.

Game, Anime Cartoon, etc.

Thanks..I'm trying, somedays that all you can do. Just try.

Take care, be gentle with yourself.

Hiaz, Guess it is not easy. Although the first small move is always required.

Thanks. You too twisted soul take care.

@mikenai22 Always heard small meals 6 x's a day. Not sure though.

It's weird how things can change so fast.Did good here until about 4am. Now..not sure. Just feel pissed. Head hurts, lungs are tired and sore. Just tired, drained. Haven't been wearing a respirator. Can't breath with it on, can't breath with it off. So we'll take a break from it all the way.

Hey the company doctor needs to try and see it from your point of view. It's your money. Sure, maybe you should see you therapist but, it should be your choice.

Sleep is different for everyone. Some can't sleep with noise, other's can. Real dark, or lights on. yeah 1/3 of everyone's life is spent sleeping. Supposedly. Could argue that point for those who don't sleep much. But Google says 1/3.

It's only a problem when it's burning and smoking. So walking in the woods isn't a problem. All though yesterday and today theres a fire watch. So you need to be careful with anything that could get hot and spark. It's a shame about your dad. He does know that smoking is bad right? Everyone seems to know that. But that's a bad habit too, which as everyone also knows it's hard to break bad habits.

Saw that too, you're supposed to breath from you abdomen. Or diaphragm.

It can be hard reclaiming what was once enjoyable. All the stress and worry takes away from everything. Depression too. Things lose their spark, it doesn't ignite you any more. What kind of games did you play?

No it's not, but then is anything every easy? You do what you can. If that's resting in bed or going for a walk or just sitting outside in the sun. then that's what you do. Little steps.. saw a quote thats said about tip toe if you must, but take that first step. It can be the hardest thing you'll ever do though.

Thanks Take care, be gentle with yourself.

@mytwistedsoul

Always heard small meals 6 x's a day. Not sure though.

Yup, very tired of it.

Its like have to constantly prepare and ensure stuffs are available.

Carry and lug to office...

Then i am very stressful whether if i am hungry or not.

Sometimes when i took a bite... i striaght away full or dizzy or cramp. hiaz.

It's weird how things can change so fast.Did good here until about 4am. Now..not sure. Just feel pissed. Head hurts, lungs are tired and sore. Just tired, drained. Haven't been wearing a respirator. Can't breath with it on, can't breath with it off. So we'll take a break from it all the way.

well... time flies when you least expected.

if you are tired, i guess you should really rest. (whenever possible)

sounds serious if you need to depend on respirator for breathing.

is the air quality bad in your area?

Hey the company doctor needs to try and see it from your point of view. It's your money. Sure, maybe you should see you therapist but, it should be your choice.

Forget it.

i dont really know what to do from now on.

it seems like everything/everyone is always against on me.

Sleep is different for everyone. Some can't sleep with noise, other's can. Real dark, or lights on. yeah 1/3 of everyone's life is spent sleeping. Supposedly. Could argue that point for those who don't sleep much. But Google says 1/3.

Guess you might be right.

I should start telling myself.

Not everything is for everyone.

Same goes for diet.

Same goes for sleep.

Same goes for life.

What satisfies you (I), may not satisfy others.

Why did not i think of that. Hmm. I must been a fool all along.

But does not it suck when you "waste" or lost the time due to sleep?

But another direction to look at is that if you dont rest... how to get energy to do work during the 2/3 day.

I just kept thinking that I could do more with lesser sleep.

But then my sleep is a problem in the first place.

It's only a problem when it's burning and smoking. So walking in the woods isn't a problem. All though yesterday and today theres a fire watch. So you need to be careful with anything that could get hot and spark. It's a shame about your dad. He does know that smoking is bad right? Everyone seems to know that. But that's a bad habit too, which as everyone also knows it's hard to break bad habits.

I did not know got such a thing.

Hot spots and Sparks. Sounds dangerous. Do becareful if there are "irresponsible" smokers. That will be dangerous.

My mum said, it is a bad habit of his since he was 19 years old (61 year old now).

So, she said there is nothing much she can do.

He just smoke, cough, in pain, etc.

I listened i also heart pain. But yet feeling angry that i cant do anything about it.

everything though i hoped he just suffered the pain immensely that he just stop (for his own good)

but if he doesnt. then... i cant do much.

Saw that too, you're supposed to breath from you abdomen. Or diaphragm.

Oh, i did not think that far.

I was inferring about trying to be mentally present.

Not like doing for the sake of doing... kind of.

It can be hard reclaiming what was once enjoyable. All the stress and worry takes away from everything. Depression too. Things lose their spark, it doesn't ignite you any more. What kind of games did you play?

Driving Simulator - Euro Truck Simulator 2, Bus Simulators, Driving/Racing Games (Although i dont really like to race..)

Simulation games (i.e. Cities Skylines, Prison Architect, Harvest Moon, Theme Parks, Hospital, etc)

RPG, MMORPG - JRPGs, Online MMOs, kind of.

FPS - Call of Duty, Battlefield (Starting to loose my feel and touch and speed, probably due to age.)

If free or ahem (on the dark side) i am even happier. save money..

I struggled and managed to obtain a Steering Wheel Controller.

End up, tired, lazy, weak to setup and dismantle everytime.

Used a playstation controller on PC instead.

Then slowly later duno why gave up.

No it's not, but then is anything every easy? You do what you can. If that's resting in bed or going for a walk or just sitting outside in the sun. then that's what you do. Little steps.. saw a quote thats said about tip toe if you must, but take that first step. It can be the hardest thing you'll ever do though.

Question 1 - Never thought about it. I just hoped it is easy. At least can be done faster, lesser stress and worry. Food with 1 ingredient. Isnt it cheaper, better, faster, save more?

Question 2 - Little Steps. Everyone been telling me this. But i am kinda seriously very exhausted from it. I wonder how long was it already ever since i heard it. I know Rome was not built overnight. But also yes... indeed.. the first step is the most difficult. Just like how i overcame my procrastination by "clearing" it first thing in the morning. (even the thought of completing this reply before i start reheating lunch)

Thanks Take care, be gentle with yourself.

Thank you. And you too twistedsoul... Hope you get good rest.

@mikenai22 I would imagine that' it's frustrating to spend all that time preparing things and then if you're not hungry, if it goes to waste. And if you end up having to throw it away.

I try to rest, but I have a hard time sitting still sometimes and I just have to keep moving. On no the air here is clean and pure. I'm in the mountains. The respirator is for the wood work I do. The saw dust is really fine sometimes, the respirator just keeps the dust out of my lungs. Lately it just makes me feel claustrophobic. Confined.

I'm sorry, I wish I knew what to tell you. I'm sure, well, ok I'd like to think that they have your best intentions in mind. But doctors are well, a pain in the ass.

It does suck to waste time sleeping but it sucks more when you're so tired that your performance and abilities don't meet expectations. And sometimes that laying around doing nothing...it's actually concidered self care. I have days when I so tired most of the day, bed time comes and I think I'm looking forward to it, I'm tired, but then you lay down and it's like there a switch that hit and I got my second wind and no longer feel tired. Makes me thing of something else I saw. About the difference between satisfaction and success. That success is worrying about what others think with what you do, but satisfaction is when you do what makes you happy. Not really helpful, now that I think about it. I mean it does sort of put things into perspective, sort of. You have to worry about what makes you happy, not what makes others happy. It's hard either way. Especially when you have self doubts about what you're doing.

Oh the fire watch is just because the weather's finally getting warmer, but the woods and leaves are so dry. Something to do with humidity and dew points.

It must be frustrating for you and your mother to know what's causing your dad problems but you're unable to stop him. It's such a bad habit. My grandfather used to smoke a pipe. Some cherry tobacco blend. Which it always smelled good but I think it contributed to his heartattack.

Oh cool, I like driving games too. But not the racing part. It's so intense sometimes. And ends up making me anxious. Prison Tycoon, Zoo tycoon, The Hospital one is fun too. And Harvest Moon. Sims. Warcraft, Majesty. Dynasty Warriors. Free and dark..definitely better. Free is always better. These games are freaking expensive!

It is exhausting. I take a step forward but end up taking 2 or 3 steps backward. I have one good day but pay for it by having 2 bad days. Nothing's easy. And while one ingredient food might be cheaper and faster, you still have to concider enjoyment a little. Which is hard too. Some people eat to live, some people live to eat. Some how you're supposed to find a middle ground. I really do wish I had answer's for you. Something concrete, ya know? Something I could show you to help you that's got undeniable proof. Best I have for you is long distance support and talking with you. Which is cool, just wish I could do more.

Try to have a good day/evening. Try not to be so hard on yourself. Difficult, yes.

Take care of yourself...Be gentle with yourself too. One day at a time my friend, that's all we can do.

@mytwistedsoul

I would imagine that' it's frustrating to spend all that time preparing things and then if you're not hungry, if it goes to waste. And if you end up having to throw it away.

throwing is the most heartache thing. not only that, plus the hard earned $ is just gone to the trash.

Sometimes i kinda hate this clean eating whole plant food diet, because of this reason.

Its like most of the stuffs are fresh produce, and cannot buy in bulk. Or they will spoil just after a few days.

Plus with my limited energy, i hate making many trips to the supermarket/etc. almost daily just to get the handful of stuffs.

I try to rest, but I have a hard time sitting still sometimes and I just have to keep moving. On no the air here is clean and pure. I'm in the mountains. The respirator is for the wood work I do. The saw dust is really fine sometimes, the respirator just keeps the dust out of my lungs. Lately it just makes me feel claustrophobic. Confined.

I see okays.

Yea, that will definitely be necessity. Don't want those saw dust in your system.

Well. it kinda is claustrophobic.

I even learnt recently that noise-reducing/isolation headphones are kinda claustro inducing also.

They give you this weird feeling and effect such that is kinda... makes you uncomfortable.

Just like the test below, where a person can only stay in a noise isolated room for just a limited amount of time.

https://www.theblaze.com/news/2012/04/05/how-long-could-you-last-in-the-worlds-quietest-room-the-record-is-only-45-minutes

I'm sorry, I wish I knew what to tell you. I'm sure, well, ok I'd like to think that they have your best intentions in mind. But doctors are well, a pain in the ass.

It is ok.

I cannot force an answer out of everyone. and more the worse to force an answer out that I "wanted" to hear.

It does suck to waste time sleeping but it sucks more when you're so tired that your performance and abilities don't meet expectations. And sometimes that laying around doing nothing...it's actually concidered self care. I have days when I so tired most of the day, bed time comes and I think I'm looking forward to it, I'm tired, but then you lay down and it's like there a switch that hit and I got my second wind and no longer feel tired. Makes me thing of something else I saw.

Self-Care is totally off the charts for me. I never been able to practise that. Not even giving myself that chance to. Like all my cough, sore throat, blocked nose and stuff... Yet i am still exercising daily, unable to rest properly, etc.

Talking about second wind, it is like something that always hits unknowningly at times.

About the difference between satisfaction and success. That success is worrying about what others think with what you do, but satisfaction is when you do what makes you happy. Not really helpful, now that I think about it. I mean it does sort of put things into perspective, sort of. You have to worry about what makes you happy, not what makes others happy. It's hard either way. Especially when you have self doubts about what you're doing.

yes, i always been on the making others happy. - ever since young. never really thought for myself.

until now when i realised the major missing part of myself. where i now started questioning.

but i do not have the answers. nor can i find them.

Oh the fire watch is just because the weather's finally getting warmer, but the woods and leaves are so dry. Something to do with humidity and dew points.

i see gotta becareful..

It must be frustrating for you and your mother to know what's causing your dad problems but you're unable to stop him. It's such a bad habit. My grandfather used to smoke a pipe. Some cherry tobacco blend. Which it always smelled good but I think it contributed to his heartattack.

It is. Guess what's adding more to the worse.

- adding pain to my concerns and sufferings (2nd hand smoke)

- monetary lost

- excessive burden on rest of family later on, (if or so on medicals) such that it were induced or caused by smoking

Oh cool, I like driving games too. But not the racing part. It's so intense sometimes. And ends up making me anxious. Prison Tycoon, Zoo tycoon, The Hospital one is fun too. And Harvest Moon. Sims. Warcraft, Majesty. Dynasty Warriors. Free and dark..definitely better. Free is always better. These games are freaking expensive!

I hate the expensive part. at least 40-60SGD here. Worse some even goes all the way to 85.

To make things worse, some stuff. I yearned for very long. After making huge decision, i bought it. and yet do not want to play anymore. (i.e. minecraft)

It is exhausting. I take a step forward but end up taking 2 or 3 steps backward. I have one good day but pay for it by having 2 bad days. Nothing's easy. And while one ingredient food might be cheaper and faster, you still have to concider enjoyment a little. Which is hard too. Some people eat to live, some people live to eat. Some how you're supposed to find a middle ground. I really do wish I had answer's for you. Something concrete, ya know? Something I could show you to help you that's got undeniable proof. Best I have for you is long distance support and talking with you. Which is cool, just wish I could do more.

This is the part where i kept repeating of, of the I do not know what is going on anymore, exhausted, and also trying to address on what i really want. Even cravings can just be mental thoughts, but the heart does not really want it.

Thanks for reminding me about the support you been giving me.

It is really something that probably not everyone has and i should really be grateful for your presense and willingness to respond.

Try to have a good day/evening. Try not to be so hard on yourself. Difficult, yes.

I only kept losing my evening nights. and i wonder how many weeks and months of them i lost already.

Time cannot be recovered.

Take care of yourself...Be gentle with yourself too. One day at a time my friend, that's all we can do.

One day a time.

But dragging really hurts.

@mikenai22 I know, I hate when food goes to waste here. It feels almost insulting, the money you work so hard for, to buy food that's way too expensive, the time to prepare and cook it and then to throw it away. It's hard trying to keep produce fresh. I don't like trips, well, pretty much any where. The whole people make me nervous thing.

I try with the self care, but it's not easy. Mainly because some of it's just, idk, I don't watch tv much if at all. I don't really care for sweets. But I do spend alot of time in the woods, and that actually counts as selfcare. Even taking a walk.

I did that too. Because it was expected, it was how I was raised. I wasn't supposed to think of myself. You just did as you were told. I can't find any answer's either. Just more questions.

It must be hard, dealing with that. Aren't cigarrettes expensive? And the second hand smoke, that affects everyone. And if it causes sickness and medical expense, yeah that would add to any worries.

That's about the price here too. And some of them, is DLC so for the price you don't even get a disk with it. Oh yeah Minecraft was the thing to get. I have it too and don't play it either. It just sits and gather's dust.

Hey, no, I don't want you to feel grateful or anything. I'm not really doing anything useful. It's just everyone needs someone to talk to, so I guess we're kind of helping each other.

It's hard not to dwell on how much time has been lost. How much of ourselves we waste on the past. I mean, I know I need to worry about the present, not the past and not the future. But I still do. And I lose even more time because of it. It really sucks, but I don't know how to not do it.

Take care, be gentle with yourself.

@mytwistedsoul

I know, I hate when food goes to waste here. It feels almost insulting, the money you work so hard for, to buy food that's way too expensive, the time to prepare and cook it and then to throw it away. It's hard trying to keep produce fresh. I don't like trips, well, pretty much any where. The whole people make me nervous thing.

it is indeed.

it is all that you mentioned that kept spiralling in my head, almost every second until i knock out.

but sharing what i have learnt or at least comments from people surrounding me

- if i continue to have these thoughts

- these kind of rules

- they are only going to end up hurting 1 person and 1 person only

- me

- the... self-harm, self-restriction, self-restrianing will only end up consuming me until i burn

I try with the self care, but it's not easy. Mainly because some of it's just, idk, I don't watch tv much if at all. I don't really care for sweets. But I do spend alot of time in the woods, and that actually counts as selfcare. Even taking a walk.

that's actually quite a good habit.

TV or not, well it is up to one's choice. your preferred entertainment

can be pleasure or entertainment or education what not.

most important is that you find meaning, usefulness and it is "what" you wanna do at that instant.

I did that too. Because it was expected, it was how I was raised. I wasn't supposed to think of myself. You just did as you were told. I can't find any answer's either. Just more questions.

i see... i see.

guess that was all past.

It must be hard, dealing with that. Aren't cigarrettes expensive? And the second hand smoke, that affects everyone. And if it causes sickness and medical expense, yeah that would add to any worries.

they are. plus government is increasing taxes on them.

That's about the price here too. And some of them, is DLC so for the price you don't even get a disk with it. Oh yeah Minecraft was the thing to get. I have it too and don't play it either. It just sits and gather's dust.

about "the disk", is something many worry with. i.e. steam library, online game stores, etc.

Something about you don't really "own" the game per se.

imagine if steam shuts down one day.

but now when i start to think about it... keeping disks, hiaz. keeping stuffs. feels very cluttered and irritated.

somehow i started going the route of lesser stuffs.

but this burns to another problem of indecisiveness of purchase

sad... minecraft was that is 29.99usd i believe? kinda sad. i always thought it was something pleasurable, fun, etc. playing with friends, modded games, ultra huge builds, etc.

i'm always wow'ed with people's showcase of their builds or youtube videos.

all the investments (althought not alot, since i am very restrictive and collected most using the bad way) made me feel the heartache.

although i see others spend way way more than i do.

Hey, no, I don't want you to feel grateful or anything. I'm not really doing anything useful. It's just everyone needs someone to talk to, so I guess we're kind of helping each other.

:) ok

It's hard not to dwell on how much time has been lost. How much of ourselves we waste on the past. I mean, I know I need to worry about the present, not the past and not the future. But I still do. And I lose even more time because of it. It really sucks, but I don't know how to not do it.

it sucks, definitely.

probably like what many have suggested.

not meditation per se.

but rather, the "awareness" of the need to be living or come back to the present.

when you catch yourself dwelling, it is time to come back.

Take care, be gentle with yourself.

thanks twistedsoul. i will.

@mikenai22 The sad thing is...knowing all that, we continue down the same path. We know what we're doing is wrong and isn't helping the situation, but we do nothing to stop it. Why are we so set on self destruction?

I just had a thought...you could grow some of your own stuff. You don't even need alot of space. You could grow things in pots. Then you control what happens to it. All organic. You could grow anything you wanted. Veg or even spices. It helps shopping costs. We grow all sorts of stuff. Green beans, sugar peas, broccoli, cauliflower, cabbage. Green beans, sauted with garlic in a little olive oil...one of my favorites. It's relaxing too. Just a thought.

I usually like to read, but lately that hasn't been easy. I can't concentrate on the words. I can read the same lines 20 times and still couldn't tell you what I just read. So I turn to music.

Of course, the government has it's hands in everything.

The thought of steam going down, that made me laugh. Because so many people would be screwed. We have become so entangled with technology. Don't get me wrong, I like it too but The grandparents taught me how to survive if society were to fail somehow.

I thought the same thing with Minecraft. The things that people built, I was wowed too. Until it came time for me to try it myself. And the price..you can't get it back if you decide to get rid of the game. Yeah there are places that will "buy" it from you but you pay 30 for it and they want to give you 2 bucks in trade. Rip off. And to declutter..it's painful because of the money loss. Like buying books. Books are expensive too and after you read it, then what? You have a 10 dollar book, that you read. Now it just takes up space. You could donate it, which feels good, but you're still out 10 bucks. Frustrating.

Try to have a good weekend, take care, yeah? Be gentle

@mytwistedsoul

The sad thing is...knowing all that, we continue down the same path. We know what we're doing is wrong and isn't helping the situation, but we do nothing to stop it. Why are we so set on self destruction?

therefore, to be strong and ability to overcome this "unknown" obsession of ours.

is what many are hoping for us.

i dont have the "why". But i know something somewhere inside us is holding us back. or at least wanting to keep and maintain this current state of our vision of "happiness" (be it good or bad)

maybe and or perhaps if for once when we encounter the "destruction", then we will be able to get over it for good.

and perhaps thats where we really start "living"

I just had a thought...you could grow some of your own stuff. You don't even need alot of space. You could grow things in pots. Then you control what happens to it. All organic. You could grow anything you wanted. Veg or even spices. It helps shopping costs. We grow all sorts of stuff. Green beans, sugar peas, broccoli, cauliflower, cabbage. Green beans, sauted with garlic in a little olive oil...one of my favorites. It's relaxing too. Just a thought.

i heard from my colleague. seemed to be the one of the latest trends to grow own greens.

well... control yes. however care and concern, along with dedication and effort will be required.

maybe when i am stronger?

i am still having all the lethargic, weakness issues. despite all the "exercises" that i am pushing myself to attend to daily.

my daily energy has been channeled to things like

- going to work

- preparing food

- groceries shopping

- unwillingness rest

the rest of the stuff... is almost not possible.

i even find hard to find energy and motivation to play games I thought I wanted. - perhaps i am trying too hard.

or maybe age has taken a toll on me.

broccoli and cauliflower and cabbage? really can be homegrown?

I usually like to read, but lately that hasn't been easy. I can't concentrate on the words. I can read the same lines 20 times and still couldn't tell you what I just read. So I turn to music.

Its ok. Sometimes, the body just cannot register. You cannot expect it to always function 100% everytime.

Try something else... for a short while before going back.

PS : There are times where I face the same issues when replying to threads.

Of course, the government has it's hands in everything.

Hiaz...

The thought of steam going down, that made me laugh. Because so many people would be screwed. We have become so entangled with technology. Don't get me wrong, I like it too but The grandparents taught me how to survive if society were to fail somehow.

well who know what will truly happen if it really happens one day.

The grandparents, I only heard about the game name. Never explored. Maybe i'll watch a quick review or playthrough one day. Since its how i usually spend my energy

I thought the same thing with Minecraft. The things that people built, I was wowed too. Until it came time for me to try it myself. And the price..you can't get it back if you decide to get rid of the game. Yeah there are places that will "buy" it from you but you pay 30 for it and they want to give you 2 bucks in trade. Rip off. And to declutter..it's painful because of the money loss. Like buying books. Books are expensive too and after you read it, then what? You have a 10 dollar book, that you read. Now it just takes up space. You could donate it, which feels good, but you're still out 10 bucks. Frustrating.

I was thinking of giving the account away. But it was tied to my email.

I dont really know how to sell it though. Felt like it is kinda a waste to keep in my inventory.

Although i kept having concensious that i may return to it one day.

Yea.. the thing about posessions. Another huge topic.

I been looking or mentally locking towards minimalism lately. But it might sipiral me into another disordered thinking.

So simillarly for books... like steam library, you have choices like amazon kindle, etc...

But have to self-remind what konmari mentioned though... - if it gives you joy... don't throw it.

Try to have a good weekend, take care, yeah? Be gentle

The sore throat is not helping.

Along with the weird fatigue that held me back severly.

But I'll try to rest.

You too take care.

@mikenai22 Hey How are you?

I been feeling the same way sort of. Just tired of the way things are. Seems like every day is just a new opportunity to screw up. I hope it get's better for you.

Oh yes, you can grow almost anything in container's. Even sweet potatoes, you just have to get them started. Which isn't hard at all. Brussel sprouts, carrots, you name it.

I have the same problem with the threads. No offense, but I'm glad I'm not the only one with that problem.

Oh I'm sorry.. I meant my Grandparents. They were into sort of like homesteading. Solar power, rain catchment for gardens. Growing our own vegetables and fruits. That sort of thing. Sorry I should have been clearer. But I didn't know there was a game called The Grandparents. I'll have to check it out too.

Kindle is awesome. I got one 2 years ago and you can borrow books on it from the library, which is nice because I don't have to go any where. And it's free. No late fee's.

The rule here was if you didn't see yourself using it in 6 months to get rid of it. But I gotta tell you they didn't follow their own rule. There is so much stuff here.

I hope your sore throat is feeling better and that your lethergy is better.

Thank you

Take care

@mytwistedsoul

Hey How are you?

past 3 days has been daunting.

weak, lethargic, no energy.

all i managed is to prepare food, shop groceries.

i even had to cheat my usual shopping route. By shopping from my supermarket downstairs instead of the distant one. (More choices and Fresher)

in addition, workout detoriated severely.

I called off my morning ashtanga yoga to a bliss morning yoga workout.

run become a "causual" jog.

did not even went for my mum's mother tomb-sweeping on sunday.

stomach was still aching or cramping due to the cough induced pains.

today, well.. morning run was weird. i dont really know how to describe.

I been feeling the same way sort of. Just tired of the way things are. Seems like every day is just a new opportunity to screw up. I hope it get's better for you.

How should i comment.

"Everyday is a new opportunity to screw up." Sounds... interesting.

Its like everyday is a new day, and what can happen is unknown.

Almost like can be a deja vu kind of thing

Oh yes, you can grow almost anything in container's. Even sweet potatoes, you just have to get them started. Which isn't hard at all. Brussel sprouts, carrots, you name it.

Did you say... "sweet potatoes"?

It is so expensive here.

To make things worse, it "spoils" very quickly.

But yet I dont want to rush by stuffing myself with sweet potatoes daily.

I have the same problem with the threads. No offense, but I'm glad I'm not the only one with that problem.

Actually instead, I appreciate your understanding.

Not rather about the "having the same" problem with each other. (No point comparing with each other)

Oh I'm sorry.. I meant my Grandparents. They were into sort of like homesteading. Solar power, rain catchment for gardens. Growing our own vegetables and fruits. That sort of thing. Sorry I should have been clearer. But I didn't know there was a game called The Grandparents. I'll have to check it out too.

Wow... I can only imagine the lifestyle even more challenging than mine. (Wait why am i comparing again)

Anyways i dont think it is easy to maintain the lifestyle. But I presume they must have already been used to it over a long time.

Shit... The Grandparents or GrandFather or GodFather. Sorry now that you mention it.. i kinda forgot. If i recall it is some shooter game.

Kindle is awesome. I got one 2 years ago and you can borrow books on it from the library, which is nice because I don't have to go any where. And it's free. No late fee's.

Haha... if you are a book reader, sure it will help.

I am still "debugging" myself if i am reading for the sake of it or reading because of the ED behaviours.

I don't feel like that was me.

I don't do all these sort of things in the past.

The rule here was if you didn't see yourself using it in 6 months to get rid of it. But I gotta tell you they didn't follow their own rule. There is so much stuff here.

More rules =.= oh well.

But then it is true, no point trying to hoard everything.

Worse off if it does not serve you.

But no matter how hard i explain to my parents, they just refuse to disard.

I hope your sore throat is feeling better and that your lethergy is better.

Thank you

Take care

Well... it is still there, and not off or recovered. Still irritates and painful.

The lethargy is very "wrong" it is the 4th day consequently.

I have been almost on the bed most of the time.

Computer is not even for long.

@mikenai22 I'm sorry to hear that you've been feeling so poorly. I know it sucks not having any energy. The continued cough and sore throat is concerning.

Yep you can grow your own sweet potatoes. With just one, bought from the store even, you can get 6 or more slips off it. Each slip is a new plant. And they can be grown in containers. We grew some in the garden last year. It was a first time thing. We ended up with some really nice ones.

It can be difficult, even daunting at times. But it can also be fun and liberating. There's a sense of freedom.

Lol! Sorry but when I saw mention of the GodFather, I pictured my tiny Grandmother holding a machine gun, saying, say hello to my little friend. My Grandfather...yeah that I could see. He was in the military.

There's rules for everything. What you should or shouldn't do. Say or not. Which yes, some rules are needed but some things are more common sense. I can see maybe keeping somethings for longer. Things that might be useful even a year or two later. But I've seen where some people hoard trash and stuff, which I just don't understand why you would want to keep stuff like that.

4 days of feeling like that, it does seem wrong. Something's off. Could be maybe you need some antibiotics? Resting is probably the best thing for you. Even though it must be frustrating.

Take care, be gentle...I hope you feel better soon

@mytwistedsoul

Apologies for delayed reply.

I couldnt climb and seat at my computer.

The phone mobile app is a poor editor to compose my replies.

I could only sit at the bed, waiting for time to pass.

Plus i could not sleep lying down. Had to sit/slouge instead.

Coughing hurts the stomach, some bad muscle cramps at the side of the adnominals.

But funny thing... I went to take the muscle relaxant medication - I could not help it anymore.

Managed to sit and sleep for about 2-3 hours. - for once?

Although i did not felt rested. But at least it was longer pocket.

I'm sorry to hear that you've been feeling so poorly. I know it sucks not having any energy. The continued cough and sore throat is concerning.

Guess what's more torturing.

Me not having energy, yet wanting to help my mum to cook and prepare food for my mum's mother tomb-sweeping prayers.

I wonder where i ganer'ed the energy from.

And I made no effort to make food for myself.

Why...

I duno.

Yep you can grow your own sweet potatoes. With just one, bought from the store even, you can get 6 or more slips off it. Each slip is a new plant. And they can be grown in containers. We grew some in the garden last year. It was a first time thing. We ended up with some really nice ones.

I googled. It said.. 20 months?

Oh my. It is worth the effort for home-grown.

But not healthy for the mind in the long run.

I think i might have to quit/stop this "potato" meal.

It is very stressing when I have to consume it quickly otherwise it will spoil.

Plus it is so costly. compared to others.

It can be difficult, even daunting at times. But it can also be fun and liberating. There's a sense of freedom.

=.= haha...

Glad you enjoyed. But then yea, just becareful and cautious at times. ok?

Lol! Sorry but when I saw mention of the GodFather, I pictured my tiny Grandmother holding a machine gun, saying, say hello to my little friend. My Grandfather...yeah that I could see. He was in the military.

Er... What? I'm lost...

What poor message and impression I have sent to you... twistedsoul.. zzz so sorry.

There's rules for everything. What you should or shouldn't do. Say or not. Which yes, some rules are needed but some things are more common sense. I can see maybe keeping somethings for longer. Things that might be useful even a year or two later. But I've seen where some people hoard trash and stuff, which I just don't understand why you would want to keep stuff like that.

Common Sense. - I'd probably lost it, after my weird thinking habits/obessions? or ED behaviours or what not that has engulfed me.

However if i think of it another way. It is just a behavioural habit that I may have "placed" on myself.

Well, me for example. Yea.. I am 1 of the offender of hoarding stuffs that may just be trash. - No purpose, yet sentimental. But the sentimental value is so poor that it brings nothing but more burden/stress only.

4 days of feeling like that, it does seem wrong. Something's off. Could be maybe you need some antibiotics? Resting is probably the best thing for you. Even though it must be frustrating.

Today is still on and off.

The very first time, i am unable to do any "workout"

No Push up

No Chaturanga

No Plank

No Upward dog

Even downward dog is slightly challenging

I had to give up and re-accomodate my workout to make it "doable"

- but something else came to mind...

- why i cant just forget it and take a rest day instead...

Take care, be gentle...I hope you feel better soon

Thank you twistedsoul

@mikenai22 Sorry to hear that you're feeling so poorly. You didn't get your cough checked out yet? Especially if it's making your muscles sore. There must be something that has your lungs so irritated. Sleeping poorly sucks. I got 3 hours Sunday night. Someone suggested using lavender, so I tried it. The first night it didn't help, used it again the next night and got those 3 hours. Last night, nothing. So I don't know. Maybe I was just exhausted.

Well it's nice that you wanted to help, especially with not having any energy.

it usually only takes 90 - 170 days for them. We planted them in the spring and they were ready in the fall. There is a curing time, it helps them store better. But that's only 7 - 10 days at 75 - 80 degree's. Or 5 - 7 days at 90 degrees. Yeah I'm not sure why they're so expensive.

I try to be cautious and careful...thanks

nah no need to apologize, I may have just misunderstood or read into something wrong.

Sorry to hear that you were unable to do your workout. I imagine that's very frustrating for you. Although, with the cough and fatigue, it's a shame you can't have a break and take a rest. I do understand the need to push though. If you could take one day to just rest and recover...and not feel guilty and conflicted about it...

Try to be gentle with yourself, take care

@mytwistedsoul

Sorry to hear that you're feeling so poorly. You didn't get your cough checked out yet? Especially if it's making your muscles sore. There must be something that has your lungs so irritated. Sleeping poorly sucks. I got 3 hours Sunday night. Someone suggested using lavender, so I tried it. The first night it didn't help, used it again the next night and got those 3 hours. Last night, nothing. So I don't know. Maybe I was just exhausted.

Its ok.

I got another set of meds again. Hope it clears up soon.

Perhaps its the flame, the weather or something.

Sounds like your sleep is pretty little. Do you feel energised?

Lavender, White Noise, Room Temperature etc... kinda lot of recommendations.

But yea, sometimes often we "over" think too much. And those "assistance" aid becomes placebo.

Well it's nice that you wanted to help, especially with not having any energy.

Thanks. Its like a behaviour habit of mine. And sometimes gets me into unnecessary trouble.

it usually only takes 90 - 170 days for them. We planted them in the spring and they were ready in the fall. There is a curing time, it helps them store better. But that's only 7 - 10 days at 75 - 80 degree's. Or 5 - 7 days at 90 degrees. Yeah I'm not sure why they're so expensive.

Looks kinda long. I guess for low consumption probably it is better worth.

The doctor today, suggested that i could freeze the entire uncooked potato. - So as to preserve the lifespan. I never tried before, gona test one piece. if it rots. I'm gona make him pay for my sweet potato.

I try to be cautious and careful...thanks

nah no need to apologize, I may have just misunderstood or read into something wrong.

its ok. sometimes... i remember, sometimes i just accidentally forgot. - which may be a better idea.

but its good to get it cleared and out of the mind.

Sorry to hear that you were unable to do your workout. I imagine that's very frustrating for you. Although, with the cough and fatigue, it's a shame you can't have a break and take a rest. I do understand the need to push though. If you could take one day to just rest and recover...and not feel guilty and conflicted about it...

Don't be sorry. - None of it is your fault.

It's just only myself whom is inflicting all these unnecessary pains. - Which can be taken away if I dont have these kinds of obessions.

To be honest, there is no need, but rather the obessed thoughts that is mentally troubling.

Try to be gentle with yourself, take care

Thanks twistedsoul.

Thanks for the reminder, always.

@mikenai22 Hey...

Maybe it's allergies? Hopefully the med's help.

Yeah I'm not sleeping hardly at all. Doesn't matter what I try any more. No, not energized at all. Honestly, it's making me miserable, I feel like shit. (sorry) It's just nothing that I try helps. I simply can not shut off. It's driving me nuts.

Yeah sometimes my best intentions get me into trouble too.

Well you could just grow one plant. I feel I must warn you, freezing them makes them starchy and lose some of the taste.

Even with it not being my fault, I'm still sorry. I know what it's like to struggle against yourself. It's like your being torn in different directions. What you know, what you think you know and what you want. But how to choose when none of them feels right. What voice do you listen to?

Your welcome, I know it's hard to remember.

@mytwistedsoul

I gave up.

This mornings scheduled run/chin-up - 100% fail.

Did a brisk stride walk + chin-up/hang only. I cant even do proper push-ups.

Very demoralised.

Plus the regular oatmeal breakfast was very indigestable and unappetising. - Unlike all other days

Hey... Maybe it's allergies? Hopefully the med's help.

Not sure. I'm never tested for allergies before.

Yeah I'm not sleeping hardly at all. Doesn't matter what I try any more. No, not energized at all. Honestly, it's making me miserable, I feel like shit. (sorry) It's just nothing that I try helps. I simply can not shut off. It's driving me nuts.

You know, sometimes trying too hard is the wrong way of solving things. - Perhaps tone down abit?

Its ok to voice out yourself, than constricting your thoughts. And protraying in another manner which might just makes things worse.

Yeah sometimes my best intentions get me into trouble too.

Its inevitable at times.

Just stay cautious and be aware.

Well you could just grow one plant. I feel I must warn you, freezing them makes them starchy and lose some of the taste.

Okays. Will take note.

If i dont try i never know.

If i dont freeze, it might just rot/spoil. Which results in discard/throw away.

Much more waste.

My hard earned money.

Even with it not being my fault, I'm still sorry. I know what it's like to struggle against yourself. It's like your being torn in different directions. What you know, what you think you know and what you want. But how to choose when none of them feels right. What voice do you listen to?

Guess each of us had our own versions of pain and struggle.

Precisely, apparantely it is so difficult to even choose the better or. Despite having choices but are none to our advantages.

Your welcome, I know it's hard to remember.

Yet again. Thanks for the frequent reminders, twisted soul.

Otherwise I'm sure to have left it behind.

@mikenai22 Did you maybe change something with the oatmeal?

I know when the pollen counts are high it can cause problems for people. Sinus problems, sneezing and coughing.

I'll have to see if I can look at the sleeping differently. Just thinking about it sometimes make me anxious.

I looked in to what you can do to help keep the sweet potatoes longer. If you cook them, boil or baked, then peel and mash them. They freeze and hold well. Without the starchyness. They keep their flavor and texture. You can freeze them that way according to any recipes you may have. For how ever much you may need in a recipe. Would make it easier, I think. They're supposed to last 12 months in the freezer that way.

Be gentle with yourself, take care ( any better with the new meds?)

@mytwistedsoul

Did you maybe change something with the oatmeal?

I wonder.

I have been using alot of cacao/cocoa powder.

Today, just thought i should kick the habit and switch to matcha powder, which i did use before, just very infrequent.

Or maybe my appetite is off today.

I just dont really understand.

Same portion size.

Sometimes feel not enough.

Sometimes feel too much.

Like coffee.

Sometimes i yearn for more.

Sometimes i just dont want it. But my cravings is there and have to force it down...

I know when the pollen counts are high it can cause problems for people. Sinus problems, sneezing and coughing.

oh... i believe it depends on individual sensitivity levels.

like cooking pungent ingredients or spices or herbs.

I'll have to see if I can look at the sleeping differently. Just thinking about it sometimes make me anxious.

it certainly does.

cause the thoughts are constantly flying through your mind.

I looked in to what you can do to help keep the sweet potatoes longer. If you cook them, boil or baked, then peel and mash them. They freeze and hold well. Without the starchyness. They keep their flavor and texture. You can freeze them that way according to any recipes you may have. For how ever much you may need in a recipe. Would make it easier, I think. They're supposed to last 12 months in the freezer that way.

hmm. dont really want mashed.

but i did tried before chopped and cooked in refridgerator. after 2 days still ok. I havent tried even longer period.

but lately my food intake is getting weaker.

even decision making for what to eat is getting poorer.

Be gentle with yourself, take care ( any better with the new meds?)

not really. new meds.

I only asked for more cough syrup.

But the doctor gave another set of sore throat.

Still taking for now.

Stomach muscle cramp still there. hope it heals up... can run/jog tmr.

@mikenai22 You could try taking a break from certain things, and see where that leads. Maybe the different ingredients are more filling.

You could just cook them, peel them and freeze them whole or cube them. I think they just need to be cooked before they are froze.

The meds just supposed to silence the cough or does it have something else to heal it, if it's like bronchitis or something.

Could you maybe take a brisk walk, instead of a run or jog?

@mytwistedsoul

This morning, the ache/pain is still there. But only when i stretched alot or put pressure on it.

I hope it is much better.

I went down for a run/jog again.

Chin-Up - No go. Arm is totally weak. Nothing new.. i duno why.

Run/Jog - End up become like a slow jog. Somehow i could feel the pressure/pain when i land my foot where the stomach core hurts.

You could try taking a break from certain things, and see where that leads. Maybe the different ingredients are more filling.

Somehow it just felt "difficult" to get out of habits.

Its like you like it. But still dont want it.

=.=? what is going on mike?

Like coffee, i know i dont like the taste. But i still crave and make it and drink it.

End up there are times where i almosted puked, refluxed and zzz.

You could just cook them, peel them and freeze them whole or cube them. I think they just need to be cooked before they are froze.

freeze or refridge better?

As long as i can have a "longer" shelf life, and i can choose the portion size.

I am happy enough.

Problem is potatoes comes in all forms and sizes.

I often stand in front of the supermarket just to pick the "best" "perfect" looking, "dry", "size" potatoes so i can portion properly.

The meds just supposed to silence the cough or does it have something else to heal it, if it's like bronchitis or something.

Not sure.

I only know that the cough syrup, sure "made" me cough such that it forces the phlegm out. (sorry)

Sore throat, i duno, it comes and goes. Never really truly heals.

I have been on lozenges like weeks/months. - It costs very much, plus very... sweetening... I dont wanna damage my teeth, plus not at this age of mine.

Could you maybe take a brisk walk, instead of a run or jog?

That's what i had to do instead yesterday...

It felt sucky in the end.

Like a failed warrior...

Walking of shame.

End up when i go home during the evening (after work), i did another yoga flow - basics gentle moves.

Cannot do any of those "core" moves (i.e. chatarangas)