Lost

@mikenai22

I'm sorry to hear you're in such a bad place right now.

I don't think you did anything wrong. You did the best you could. It's okay to need help, and I'm glad you're looking here.

Depression can be really hard to work with. I'm sorry you're having to live with it.

Please don't give up. Things can get better.

@BlueBetta

Thanks for replying betta. (you have been great supporter)

Just that (like said on another thread), things never improve/move on.

I know people said, in order for change to happen, you have to make the first move/change.

@mikenai22 Hey you want to talk in here instead? This is your room yeah? I have one too but it's under the self harm recovery thread. I just don't want to, as you said hijack someone elses thread. It's up to you.

@mytwistedsoul

Hey you want to talk in here instead? This is your room yeah? I have one too but it's under the self harm recovery thread. I just don't want to, as you said hijack someone elses thread. It's up to you.

Not "officially" mine. (Cant own the thread. not my property)

But well, i did start this thread though.

But anyways i am ok with either or.

Want to continue at the original post is also ok.

@mikenai22 Hey

Yeah you're right, you can't really own a thread, I just figure it belongs to whoever started it.

I'm going to try to carry over the conversation from the other thread.

It's hard to make jokes and carry on when you're hurting on such a deep level. I make jokes sometimes myself, mainly to defuse a situation or if I'm uncomfortable. I know how hard it can be to continue on with life, when it would be so easy to give up. That just passes the pain onto other's though. Not so much for me, as my family wouldn't care. Sometimes I think I stick around out of spite.

Living in a cold place is alot of work. I heat with a woodstove, so it keeps me warm a number of ways. The work to chop and stack it and then in the stove. But I like it since it doesn't cost me anything except time and effort, since the tree's come from my land.

I think with the group chat's, well it seems like they know each other on a daily basis. Some people are alot more, well, I want to say demanding, but I don't think that's the right word. They just interact with each other alot so to them it's like talking with friends. Which there's nothing wrong with that but it's hard for people who just pop in now and again to be heard.

The other thread was "loneliness support". But as I said I didn't start the thread so, with IvoryWillow not in attendance, I just felt it was wrong to continue there. Sorry, that's weird on my part. I try to tread lightly and gently into the lives of other's. I try to help people when I can, but sometimes it doesn't work as well as I hope.

What's that saying...Man plans, God laugh's. Boy am I a planner, it never goes the way I plan. But I don't like not having a plan. True- our paths aren't always straight and clear cut, they cross and intersect with other people's paths.

It's hard to remember to be gentle with ourselves, we are our own worst critics. And we're always harder on ourselves than we need to be because of our expectations. We want to be perfect, unfortunately nothing is perfect. Even the most beautiful of things is flawed some how. I guess that's where being an indivdual comes in. Always be yourself though.

That yoga is some serious yoga. I had to look it up because I had never heard of it. And if was something you normally don't do, it's understandable that you might not feel well. I hope the nausea has passed by now. If it keeps up you might want to get checked by a doctor.

Take care and be gentle with yourself (just a reminder)

@mytwistedsoul

thanks for copying it over.

yup, I was reading another thread at Reddit, about depression and how it affects ones daily lifestyle. (which is kinda true to me right now.) yea . that feeling. giving up, meaningless, no energy. I tried to stay up abitlast evening and was being questioned tons by my mum. had quite a painful headache (thinking if I am hungry or not ..) and just decided to put her off. and went back to bed.

guess, living in the cold sure a challenge...

about the group chat, yea... I kinda had that feeling.. especially the way each of them greeted each other.

about plans, it is good... but fuel/feed the pain of wanting perfectionist, high expectations of everything must go as planned... too much of a restriction to self...

not sure how "serious" about the Yoga you are referring... but I've been following "boho beautiful" couple for quite some time already... actually I have been doing for multiple session already (looking at the number of check-ins I did, and the numerous times of feedback I gave about good/bad results.

what I don't like/unhappy about.. is the feedback that I get, from doctors, internet, etc... I asked for "A" help or problem, I end up being redirected saying that it is something else.. there is nothing wrong with me or rather it is not of concern.

thanks for reminder.. I already forgot.

@mikenai22

It's amazing how much our state of mind affects everything else in our bodies. When I'm super anxious I have a hard time with my focus and concentration. All my muscles are tense, I can't settle on anything. When I'm depressed my thoughts are super focused and I wouldn't bother to get out of the way of anything headed towards me. Either way I can't sleep.

Headaches are no fun. I get them too. I'm no good when my head hurts. Sometimes even just a piece of toast or fruit can help. and then to have to answer questions. It's hard not to be snappy and irritable.

True it's frustrating and resticting when things aren't the way we want them to go. I have the philosophy that any job worth doing is worth doing right. It makes alot of thing take so much longer than it actually would have to. Even something as simple as stacking wood, the peices have to be set just right, things have to line up.

I must have been looking at higher levels of the yoga then, I what I saw looked advanced, but if you've been following a certain couple for a while, then you're not a beginner. Sorry I misunderstood and thought it was something new you had just started.

Doctor's...well... I have things I could say about doctors, not much of it good. You go for one thing and they talk about something that wasn't a concern or that it's all in your head. I went through the same thing a few years ago and was given a different diagnosis from what I have now. The one I have now makes a little more sense, not much but a little more. Have you tried a nutritionist or a dietitian? Just grasping at straws.

@mytwistedsoul

stressed, anxiety, heart pulsing...

IT Show... (need to worry about decisions again...)

Work... (duno what to do...)

Leave/Break (duno if i should take... even if i take, i also stay at home, hide and wait for time to past)

hiaz...

my poor breakfast. (i must be dreaming... spilled everything on the floor..., i craved for it for so long..., safe kept it for so long)

It's amazing how much our state of mind affects everything else in our bodies. When I'm super anxious I have a hard time with my focus and concentration. All my muscles are tense, I can't settle on anything. When I'm depressed my thoughts are super focused and I wouldn't bother to get out of the way of anything headed towards me. Either way I can't sleep.

Yes exactly...

Like what i am feeling now.

Seemed like you are able to explain it very well.

Headaches are no fun. I get them too. I'm no good when my head hurts. Sometimes even just a piece of toast or fruit can help. and then to have to answer questions. It's hard not to be snappy and irritable.

My colleagues kept saying that i should not paracetomol/panadol to relief them.

My company doctor do not want to see me anymore. Told me to go back to my psychiatrist (i do not want to see him)

Food =.= .... no way... i am not going to use food as relief... (ED triggering)

I hate sugar. Makes my mouth taste weird and soury and reflux feeling. (ED behaviour...)

True it's frustrating and resticting when things aren't the way we want them to go. I have the philosophy that any job worth doing is worth doing right. It makes alot of thing take so much longer than it actually would have to. Even something as simple as stacking wood, the peices have to be set just right, things have to line up.

It appears that somehow... the behaviours of yours... and mine. (perfectionist)

sounds similar?

I must have been looking at higher levels of the yoga then, I what I saw looked advanced, but if you've been following a certain couple for a while, then you're not a beginner. Sorry I misunderstood and thought it was something new you had just started.

This 2 are the ones that i have been looping

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3CPCAjlHU_4

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i2qG4weEbLo

Well i started trying them about 1-2 months?

Previously i was only doing those yoga flows, power yoga, yin yoga, etc.

Doctor's...well... I have things I could say about doctors, not much of it good. You go for one thing and they talk about something that wasn't a concern or that it's all in your head. I went through the same thing a few years ago and was given a different diagnosis from what I have now. The one I have now makes a little more sense, not much but a little more. Have you tried a nutritionist or a dietitian? Just grasping at straws.

The problem with me is

- fear of the stupid weighing machine (the doctors refuse to not weigh me, or hide it from me)

- not listening to my requests, concerns

- money, financial aid, (they kept saying that i am not eligible)

Nutritionist and/or dietitian

- only tried 2 different dietitians (not ED trained)

- they claimed they cant help me (if i continue vegetarian or plant based)

- they are not ED trained and asked me to seek help from psychologist and relevant trained team

- they can only help on the diet portion

oh well... another day to drag...

@mikenai22

I'm sorry you're having so much stress at the moment. Facing so many decisions, it's hard. Unfortunately only you can make these, which only add's to the stress. I'm sorry that's not very helpful.

I didn't think... earlier, I should have. I didn't mean to upset you with talk of anything to trigger your ED. To be honest I don't know a whole lot about it. I either eat or I don't. Usually once a day, although there are times I just forget. I get busy, or side tracked and don't think about it.

I just kind of figured it's an OCD thing. Things just need to line up and be kept orderly. A little bit of order to my chaotic mind.

Some of the poses still look a little complicated to me. I'm more of a tai chi person and that's rare too for me. I get enough of a work out just from day to day life.

It upsets me a little that people aren't listening to you. And to have your company doctor not want to see you. And the other's just seem unwilling to listen and at least point you in a helpful direction. Are there any in your area that are ED trained? I know how hard it is to find a doctor that you get along with. I'm on my second one in a little over a months time. Which was hard, but I do understand now because the first doesn't deal with trama related issues. It's hard to be open when you feel that you're being judged for things you do or don't do.

I'm sorry this isn't very helpful, today is a little off for me. I got a little over whelmed yesterday, emotionally, not in a bad way, just..I don't know.. I have a hard time understanding why I would matter to strangers and why they would care what I do to myself, when the one's who should care... don't. The comprehension just isn't there for that.

Take care, be gentle with yourself... maybe meditation would help calm you?

@mytwistedsoul

I'm sorry you're having so much stress at the moment. Facing so many decisions, it's hard. Unfortunately only you can make these, which only add's to the stress. I'm sorry that's not very helpful.

nvm, i have been beating myself all along...

it is not like something new...

just bearing the pain only.

but the lost of the breakfast. is truely sad.

I didn't think... earlier, I should have. I didn't mean to upset you with talk of anything to trigger your ED. To be honest I don't know a whole lot about it. I either eat or I don't. Usually once a day, although there are times I just forget. I get busy, or side tracked and don't think about it.

ED is just with me all along, so not actually "triggering".

I am like already "numbed" to it.

Yea, i realised too... when i engulffed myself with the computer. i just keep researching about stuffs, recipies, health articles, recoveries youtube, etc..

All the anxiety just kicks in.

When i get a task at work. i just almost forgot about the rest..

but my relation at work now is very bad. my concentration is way way off.

I just kind of figured it's an OCD thing. Things just need to line up and be kept orderly. A little bit of order to my chaotic mind.

yup, everyone has their own self-belief and desires.

Some of the poses still look a little complicated to me. I'm more of a tai chi person and that's rare too for me. I get enough of a work out just from day to day life.

wow.. tai chi. not bad.

not easy also.

It upsets me a little that people aren't listening to you. And to have your company doctor not want to see you. And the other's just seem unwilling to listen and at least point you in a helpful direction. Are there any in your area that are ED trained? I know how hard it is to find a doctor that you get along with. I'm on my second one in a little over a months time. Which was hard, but I do understand now because the first doesn't deal with trama related issues. It's hard to be open when you feel that you're being judged for things you do or don't do.

yes there is.

But the ED doctors, asked me 1 question.

Only to come back and see them, if I truly want and committed to recover.

Accept whatever they are going to say.

Accept inpaitent if required, etc.

Anyways, i never get what I want... I just hate these scarifies.

I'm sorry this isn't very helpful, today is a little off for me. I got a little over whelmed yesterday, emotionally, not in a bad way, just..I don't know.. I have a hard time understanding why I would matter to strangers and why they would care what I do to myself, when the one's who should care... don't. The comprehension just isn't there for that.

Hey. Hey. twistedsoul. dont blame yourself.

you are free to choose and decide the thoughts and actions you desire.

its like me... i rather help others, than help myself.

i rather spend the effort, help my parents cook good food.

yet eat like baby food myself. (hope to have better digestion without bloating/spasm pains)

Take care, be gentle with yourself... maybe meditation would help calm you?

Thanks again. (for the reminder - i just kept forgetting)

But i learnt something... just a few moments ago. (i only think that i will forget soon enough)

meditation. tried a few good times. did not workout as expected...

most of the times, my mind just floats away.

@mikenai22

It may not be something new but you shouldn't have to bear the pain and definitly shouldn't have to bear it alone. Although we each have our own battles. I'm sorry for your breakfast.

It's easier at times when we become absorbed in a task and can forget everything else that's going on inside and around us. Without those distractions things become too deep, too painful to deal with. It's an escape, to get so focused on other things like that. At least it is for me.

Yeah.. it's hard to put your trust in people you don't know and let them make what they feel are the right choices for you. To sacrafice your freedom and do as they say, is frightening. I only trust myself, I'm the only one I have ever been able to depend on.

oh my friend, sometimes my thoughts and my actions aren't safe for me. I have a self destructive side that works against me. I try to help other's too, I know how I feel at times, so I try to help other's feel better.

So what did you learn, a few moments ago? If you don't mind my asking..

Yeah I'm not supposed to meditate any more, I disconnect all the way. Although I've heard that it's ok for your thoughts to wander. Some say yes , other's no. Not sure which is the right answer.

@mytwistedsoul

I hope you dont mind if i start a new post.

So that it is easier to read on mobile. (it does not shrink to some small sized column.)

(i should learn to stop using "..." and type properly.)

(I should also stop writing my internal thoughts, although it seem to train me to think out loud, than not think properly)

It may not be something new but you shouldn't have to bear the pain and definitly shouldn't have to bear it alone. Although we each have our own battles. I'm sorry for your breakfast.

I have this self-blame, self-negativity behaviour way back. probably learnt/trained/believd since young.

previously therapist was "hoping" that i try to wean out of it... (but you guessed it, i couldnt')

It is ok... I just never expected that to happen. (the "breakfast" container contains extras for spare/redundancy incase... i was hungry later..., but well. the entire container was sent to the floor. so yea. all gone)

It's easier at times when we become absorbed in a task and can forget everything else that's going on inside and around us. Without those distractions things become too deep, too painful to deal with. It's an escape, to get so focused on other things like that. At least it is for me.

I dont really have something to get absorbed to.

Other than making food... (but then i started worrying/stressing about serving sizes, too much "bad" stuffs i.e. flour, etc.)

Anyways yea, too painful to really manage and deal.

Yeah.. it's hard to put your trust in people you don't know and let them make what they feel are the right choices for you. To sacrafice your freedom and do as they say, is frightening. I only trust myself, I'm the only one I have ever been able to depend on.

Honestly, i find it difficult to even trust myself.

Now, i dont even know who i should be listening to...

Is like so messed up now.

I seemed to be living "someoneelse's" life. (yet all along i thought it was mine)

oh my friend, sometimes my thoughts and my actions aren't safe for me. I have a self destructive side that works against me. I try to help other's too, I know how I feel at times, so I try to help other's feel better.

often times, we forget. so yea. try to be aware and be safe.

(like yesterday, i was almost so desperate to pick up the food on the floor, and just eat them, no one saw it - 5 second rule???)

(but my concenisnse, suddenly woke up and told me. Hey... this is common pantry area. How many people walked past. You think the floor is clean? This is not your home.)

So what did you learn, a few moments ago? If you don't mind my asking..

The above.

And in addition, something extra i learnt on the way home yesterday (after doing stupid stuffs. making stupid decisions of life)

All the lessons/thoughts/practises shared by social media, etc.

- possessions does not bring you happiness

- status does not bring you any happiness

- wealth does not define you

- do not allow money to control you

- time is one of "most" valuable thing in life, don't waste it

- there are more important things that you can dwell on, than stupid stuffs (i.e. food, exercise, diet, health, possessions, decisions, etc.)

- many more

And i started realising. I am not truly myself anymore.

Almost like a lost wandering lifeless soul - Living someone's elses defined life.

Yeah I'm not supposed to meditate any more, I disconnect all the way. Although I've heard that it's ok for your thoughts to wander. Some say yes , other's no. Not sure which is the right answer.

it is ok to wander, but dont let that take over all of your life.

is more like to be aware of the present moment. and living through it that is more important.

so meditation is more like a platform/vessel/action/situation/time for you to stop "anything" and take some time to focus/come back to present. not dwell to past/future.

(i find myself saying all this. yet i am not doing it.)

@mikenai22 Hey How are you?

Nope don't mind at all, whatever makes it easier for you. I think it's good to write your internal thoughts. Since they always seem to be the thoughts that get us into trouble.

We learn what we're taught as kid. That's where all my bad behavior has come from. Well most of it anyway. And the therapists are supposed to help overcome the bad stuff, it doesn't go away on it's own.

No hobbies? I do woodworking myself. But that's a hobby that sort of turned into a job. I go for alot of walks in the woods.

I know what you mean about trusting yourself. And about living someone elses life. Because this isn't what I had planned for mine.

The 5 second rule, I would have been tempted too. But it probably is best that you didn't. I would have over thought it afterwards and then it would have made me sick to think of how many people walked past and how clean it may or may not have been.

Your right, all that stuff doesn't make us who we are. You could have all that stuff and still wouldn't be happy. Time is very valuable as that is the one thing that when it's gone it's gone. I've never been sure who I am, it seems to change all the time. But I'd like to think I'm a good person rather than the bad one I've been told I am my whole life. I try to help others, I try to be patient and a gentle teacher.

I think you're a good person, who trying very hard to do the right thing. You just need to find the right people to help you find you. I hope that makes sense. I know it's not easy. I actually think that trying to find yourself is probably the hardest thing to do. Because there are so many things that factor into it. Outside influence, inner influence. The ever present self doubt and our ever present inner demons.

Yeah my mind doesn't just wander with meditation, it checks out completely and I end up sitting there for hours without any awareness. It's hard not to dwell on the past when it's so present in the here and now.

Take care , and as always...be gentle with yourself.

@mytwistedsoul

Hey How are you?

well... setting up the "regret" of mine.

(yea, i took the plunge and just bought the speakers... - like finally after dwelling so long)

(and yes, i regretted the purchase)

(and yes, this is the lesson that i was talking about)

(all the time lost, money lost, effort, research, etc. what was it for?)

Nope don't mind at all, whatever makes it easier for you. I think it's good to write your internal thoughts. Since they always seem to be the thoughts that get us into trouble.

okie. much appreciated.

(zzz... =.=||)

We learn what we're taught as kid. That's where all my bad behavior has come from. Well most of it anyway. And the therapists are supposed to help overcome the bad stuff, it doesn't go away on it's own.

maybe it is. it could be a starting point. or like earlier said, could be a behaviour learnt mid-way also.

(well in addition, could be learnt from family/close ones, etc. - but not blaming them - unfortuntately my hatred never ends with them)

therapist erm well... depends. some only help to open you up. to let you see things that you perhaps have "intentionally hidden" unknowlingly.

rather than the "overcoming" part. so they kind of stand of the middle/neutral party

No hobbies? I do woodworking myself. But that's a hobby that sort of turned into a job. I go for alot of walks in the woods.

Nope. Totally lost it.

wood working? wow.

well, if you like it.

you will wake up looking forward to it.

ooo woods walking. sounds adventureous. yet spooky at times.

but defintely calming. (just hope... dont meet any wild boars... or dinosaurs.)

I know what you mean about trusting yourself. And about living someone elses life. Because this isn't what I had planned for mine.

thanks. twistedsoul.

The 5 second rule, I would have been tempted too. But it probably is best that you didn't. I would have over thought it afterwards and then it would have made me sick to think of how many people walked past and how clean it may or may not have been.

yea...

luckily somehow I thought through it... and not because of a pinched situation and went for such desperate measures.

Your right, all that stuff doesn't make us who we are. You could have all that stuff and still wouldn't be happy. Time is very valuable as that is the one thing that when it's gone it's gone. I've never been sure who I am, it seems to change all the time. But I'd like to think I'm a good person rather than the bad one I've been told I am my whole life. I try to help others, I try to be patient and a gentle teacher.

but my mind has been clouded with it.

probably because since young, i am "not privileged" to have such advantages. - perhaps its teh way of parent's upbringing and mentality set

now when i have the slight better luxary, but yet clouded with the "control"... hiaz.

well. i read so many times about "time". but yet cant seem to appreciate and accept it. despite seeing it fly away.

and also about yourself, sure... we tend to "overlook" so sometimes perhaps have to really let others "share" their real opinion of you. but then you know.. some over exarates (if i spell it correctly)

I think you're a good person, who trying very hard to do the right thing. You just need to find the right people to help you find you. I hope that makes sense. I know it's not easy. I actually think that trying to find yourself is probably the hardest thing to do. Because there are so many things that factor into it. Outside influence, inner influence. The ever present self doubt and our ever present inner demons.

thank you... i hope so. (but i really changed since the "incident" till now)

i am not sure if i should reach out. (i dont really wanna spend, neither nor... try to accept other's opinion... or whatever... it felt difficult to move over, push over)

about finding self, i actually read somewhere that actually... sometimes people move on. i.e. who knows if things change. the next moment/day/week/month/year/etc...

Yeah my mind doesn't just wander with meditation, it checks out completely and I end up sitting there for hours without any awareness. It's hard not to dwell on the past when it's so present in the here and now.

woa... kudos~ it is not easy. although train-able.

Take care , and as always...be gentle with yourself.

(sorry. kept forgetting no matter the reminders.)

@mikenai22

Why do you regret getting them? I just hate spending money myself. It irritates me that the money I make has to go towards things that are too over-priced.

Hatred towards family. Yeah I hear you on that. Mine like to play head games. They have since I was little

The guy I see now is really helpful, he helps guide some of the things but steps in when I start to lose control. I understand a little more about myself and why I do some of the things I do. I know there's a long way to go but like they say, little steps.

Yeah it's ok, my grandfather used to do it. I liked him, he was pretty cool.

Yeah it does get spooky at times, no dinosaurs lol, or boars. There are bears and coyotes though. And I heard there supposed to be coywolves, a wolf-coyote cross but I've never seen them.

That's why we need to break the cycle so we don't turn out like our parents and our parents - parents.

When I think of the time I spend hiding away from the world wow, There are things I'd like to do and see but I'm not really good around people. They make me so nervous. I'm working on that, trying to any way. People will always have thier own opinion about you. But if you're a good person, the opinion should be good also. Although there are mean people of course and some it doesn't matter what you do they won't like what they see.

You could always try and then if you don't like the person or you don't click, look for someone else. At least you can say you tried.

I think you can change your habits and behaviors but well I guess you can change... sorry my thoughts just scattered. You know grow as a person, for the better. I'll have to give that some more thought.

Believe me, I don't try to sit there that long. My legs are usually asleep and I usually have to pee like a race horse. Sorry for the analogy. Or I find myself sort of waking up in weird places. Like I got lost in a day dream or sleep walked somewhere.

Be gentle with yourself

@mytwistedsoul

Why do you regret getting them? I just hate spending money myself. It irritates me that the money I make has to go towards things that are too over-priced.

Cause it is not what i wanted. (but i cannot tolerate the pain anymore)

(reason because i cannot justify for it, and i cannot find the perfect solution)

anyways, i regret any purchases that i made.

it just feels wrong.

Hatred towards family. Yeah I hear you on that. Mine like to play head games. They have since I was little

that kinda sucks.

Sorry (yea, i know... dont have to be.. but i duno what to say...) to hear that twistedsoul.

Do stay cautious sometimes and hold your ground if need to.

The guy I see now is really helpful, he helps guide some of the things but steps in when I start to lose control. I understand a little more about myself and why I do some of the things I do. I know there's a long way to go but like they say, little steps.

Great, Glad to have a good support that is in sync and knows its place (especially when to step in somemore)

Good. Good.

Keep it up for somemore time, and who knows if it will really assist you. One true day, you might be out of it or maybe i should paraphrase. One true day, you know how to manage it well enough to have better life balance.

Yeah it's ok, my grandfather used to do it. I liked him, he was pretty cool.

^.^

Yeah it does get spooky at times, no dinosaurs lol, or boars. There are bears and coyotes though. And I heard there supposed to be coywolves, a wolf-coyote cross but I've never seen them.

My... Does'nt bears and coyotes sounds way way dangerous?

well to be forest always feels... calm.

but in our place here.

forest only mean 1 thing to me. (unpleasant memories. so I'll stop here)

That's why we need to break the cycle so we don't turn out like our parents and our parents - parents.

hiaz... I don't know how to.

I only have a laundry list (of opposites that sounds logically/moralely/humanly right).

When I think of the time I spend hiding away from the world wow, There are things I'd like to do and see but I'm not really good around people. They make me so nervous. I'm working on that, trying to any way. People will always have thier own opinion about you. But if you're a good person, the opinion should be good also. Although there are mean people of course and some it doesn't matter what you do they won't like what they see.

After "typing" with you, i realised, we kinda have some common behaviours. =.=

I kinda know, that people have their own opinion on me. (but i cant help to think about it)

way worse when they voice it out (and makes me frustrates/furyrates...)

in my surroundings, so far i only see mean people. (maybe its my perception.)

You could always try and then if you don't like the person or you don't click, look for someone else. At least you can say you tried.

kinda tired already... felt very exhausted.

its like constant trying and never really addressing it.

i know it is probably some sort of "good experience", but i just dont kinda like the felling

I think you can change your habits and behaviors but well I guess you can change... sorry my thoughts just scattered. You know grow as a person, for the better. I'll have to give that some more thought.

have to move on. (totally aware)

i cant. (sorry. it felt like a totally burnt in behaviour)

Believe me, I don't try to sit there that long. My legs are usually asleep and I usually have to pee like a race horse. Sorry for the analogy. Or I find myself sort of waking up in weird places. Like I got lost in a day dream or sleep walked somewhere.

sounds like you have do practise a good active lifestyle. (i presume its good correct?)

Be gentle with yourself

Thanks twistedsoul

@mikenai22 Hey How are you?

Sorry it's been a few days. I haven't been in too good of a place the past few days. Too much going on in my head. Getting a bit desperate for sleep.

Yeah I'm not too sure on how to break the cycle either. I have been molded (guess that's the word) or conditioned into being who I am now. Which makes me think of our "chat" earlier about growth and change. I came to the conclusion that we had better be able to change because if this is who I'm supposed to be, I quit.

I know what you mean about thinking about what other's think of us. I'd like to be able to now care what everyone thinks but I guess everyone just wants to be accepted, for better or worse. But if no one likes you or has a bad opinion of you then they should be willing to help to change and grow for the better. Give some guidence, show the way. Lead by example. At the same time though...who are they to judge? If they could spend sometime in your head then maybe they would understand better. It's hard to change our thoughts, they are always with us and I am so used to reading people's body language that. I read into everything. You can feel if someone is getting impatient with you, their voice tone, the way they look at you. It makes you wonder what wrong with you that you can't connect with them. Because it has to something with you that makes them feel this way.

Yeah I'm always active. I'm not good with sitting still for too long. I get fidgety.

I hope your weekend wasn't too bad. Take care, be gentle with yourself.

@mytwistedsoul

Hey How are you?

Still exhausted and finding my way out.

(i received comments recently about, me not accepting other's solutions.)

(i am who i am now because of the way i think, etc.)

Still having buyer's remorse (Regretting, not grateful, appreciative, etc.)

I'm having thoughts of quitting my work. But i kept fearing of staying and being a rut at home.

Sorry it's been a few days. I haven't been in too good of a place the past few days. Too much going on in my head. Getting a bit desperate for sleep.

It is ok. Thanks for poping back to check in on me.

Aiyo.. I hope the little time-off break helped you.

Do rest whenever you get the opportunity.

Yeah I'm not too sure on how to break the cycle either. I have been molded (guess that's the word) or conditioned into being who I am now. Which makes me think of our "chat" earlier about growth and change. I came to the conclusion that we had better be able to change because if this is who I'm supposed to be, I quit.

Yes precisely... which i was having a headache about.

Worse off is that sometimes the best (not perfect) "solution" is already right in front of me. Yet i do not want to accept it and move on. The continous dwelling is just going to kill me...

I know what you mean about thinking about what other's think of us. I'd like to be able to now care what everyone thinks but I guess everyone just wants to be accepted, for better or worse. But if no one likes you or has a bad opinion of you then they should be willing to help to change and grow for the better. Give some guidence, show the way. Lead by example. At the same time though...who are they to judge? If they could spend sometime in your head then maybe they would understand better. It's hard to change our thoughts, they are always with us and I am so used to reading people's body language that. I read into everything. You can feel if someone is getting impatient with you, their voice tone, the way they look at you. It makes you wonder what wrong with you that you can't connect with them. Because it has to something with you that makes them feel this way.

The power of anticipation, learning and "I thought".

This is something that I should... un-learn sometimes.

We are taught in some places (i.e. i should not put names or whatever here.) that we should be more "self-aware", well-mannered and "automatic" and do the "right" things than wait for others to make you react.

- But it is certainly not helpful in all situations

You cant foretell the future, based on someone's cover.

Yeah I'm always active. I'm not good with sitting still for too long. I get fidgety.

ooo... ok. good right?

I hope your weekend wasn't too bad. Take care, be gentle with yourself.

Sorry, destroyed.

I'm like comtemplating between leave, quit, continue and struggle or just "die" and drag off. (Sorry being blunt)

@mikenai22

I hear you on the exhaustion. I don't sleep much anymore. There are times I go for days without sleeping.

I was hoping that the speaker's would grow on you and you might start to like them.

I think you're right about not quitting the job. It makes it to easy to isolate at home and if anything you might end up feeling worse.

Headaches...man I hate headaches. I get one everyday lately, some worse than other's.

It's hard to un learn something. I think everyone is self aware. Some people have better manner's than others. No it's not helpful. I get rude sometimes when I'm mad. I hate doing it and just slips out, I'm trying to stop but, it don't always.

I've been having problems with anger...I get so angry sometimes and I don't know what to do with it. I'm afraid it's going to get me in to trouble. I haven't even told the therapist I see about it. He's seen a little of it but I haven't told him how bad it gets. I get a little paranoid with telling him things because, I'm used to having everything I say used against me. And you're supposed to tell them your darkest secrets, ya know?

I felt that way on Saturday. I was done..didn't want to deal with any of this anymore. But...I guess a part of me doesn't want to quit yet. I went to the group therapy thing I have on Saturday's and set up a safety net for myself for if I feel that way again.

You don't have to apologize for being blunt...it was honest. Thank you.

I hope your day goes better or your evening..depending on the time.

Take care, be gentle with yourself. Take a moment...take a deep breath.

@mytwistedsoul

I hear you on the exhaustion. I don't sleep much anymore. There are times I go for days without sleeping.

It must sure suck...if it is total zero sleep.

The next day is defintely hard to concentrate. (kinda experienced in my past before)

I was hoping that the speaker's would grow on you and you might start to like them.

I was still comtemplating to sell them... while it still has value.

But then it will bring me back to ground zero again.

Nah, not really fancying the sound signature. (It did not felt like the previous one that spoiled)

I think you're right about not quitting the job. It makes it to easy to isolate at home and if anything you might end up feeling worse.

I duno what to do. It is difficult to drag work daily.

Not willing to do anything, like not contributing...

Surfing net, reading rubbish health articles, etc.

Headaches...man I hate headaches. I get one everyday lately, some worse than other's.

Yea worse is that it is mostly self generated...

It's hard to un learn something. I think everyone is self aware. Some people have better manner's than others. No it's not helpful. I get rude sometimes when I'm mad. I hate doing it and just slips out, I'm trying to stop but, it don't always.

well, certain habits can be "relearnt" or "unlearnt".

Probably gotta have better control and awareness.

And after a certain amount of time "re-doing" will get the hang of it.

I've been having problems with anger...I get so angry sometimes and I don't know what to do with it. I'm afraid it's going to get me in to trouble. I haven't even told the therapist I see about it. He's seen a little of it but I haven't told him how bad it gets. I get a little paranoid with telling him things because, I'm used to having everything I say used against me. And you're supposed to tell them your darkest secrets, ya know?

Its ok actually.

The Therapist dont have to know everything. Plus i doubt they can either (even if they attempt to lock down)

Only your true self, has the full "manual" of yourself.

What you probably share with the therapist, is probably what you "want" to address.

But yea, usually what we desire, is usually "opposed" by others. (we cannot frame others to accept who you/we are) Everyone's kinda unique in their own ways.

Haha darkest secrets, well I am open sometimes. No point hiding. (everyone knows i am having issues already.)

Or... here comes the problematic guy with physical+mental issues.

I felt that way on Saturday. I was done..didn't want to deal with any of this anymore. But...I guess a part of me doesn't want to quit yet. I went to the group therapy thing I have on Saturday's and set up a safety net for myself for if I feel that way again.

Hmmm glad it helped you. You know there are times where therapy sessions did not help. (I felt kinda exhausted before/after attending... talk and talk only.)

- end up spending money, wasted effort

- but then like the therapist said. (You cannot expect every session to be fruitful, but you have to make it out as much as possible)

You don't have to apologize for being blunt...it was honest. Thank you.

:)

I hope your day goes better or your evening..depending on the time.

Thank you... I hope so. But my stomach has been growling... whole morning.

Been eating like zzz =.=||

Well it is afternoon now as of this reply.

Take care, be gentle with yourself. Take a moment...take a deep breath.

Deep breathe... (Aye)

@mikenai22 It does suck. Make's it very hard to concentrate and focus. I find it hard to settle on anything.

I can understand with the speaker's sound not being the way you want it. How's that saying...stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Would your work let you take a break, like a vacation or leave of absence? Just a few days break?

Over thinking and what do they call it here...rumination? Dwelling on things basically. Stress..anxiety..depression, pretty much anything can cause a headache if it's too much.

True..better self control. I'm trying and I am aware of it..I need to try harder and keep a firmer hand on it.

At the fee's they charge..they should know almost everything. I think the secrets are what help make us the way we are. I've tried to rationalize some of why I'm the way I am. There are always outside influences that help contribute to our actions and our thinking. If you're already feeling broke though some people like to do what they can to make you feel worse or unbalanced. They usually have secrets of their own, that made them the way they are.

There are times when I feel worse. And yeah exhausted from all the talking with other people. Socializing is draining. Watching body language, thinking before you speak. The closeness of it all. And everyone in it has the same or similar problems so it's supposed to be more comfortable to share.

Early morning here. So it's coffee time. I hope you found something good to stop the stomach growls.

Take care, be gentle with yourself.. evening now ? I hope you have a good evening...

@mytwistedsoul

It does suck. Make's it very hard to concentrate and focus. I find it hard to settle on anything.

it is...

Do what you can for now. (if you are still trying to focus.)

I can understand with the speaker's sound not being the way you want it. How's that saying...stuck between a rock and a hard place.

:(

Would your work let you take a break, like a vacation or leave of absence? Just a few days break?

Yes. (Just that it does not look good.. because i have not been delivering. and I just transited from part-time to full-time recently)

Over thinking and what do they call it here...rumination? Dwelling on things basically. Stress..anxiety..depression, pretty much anything can cause a headache if it's too much.

It is. It has been. It was there all along. (always)

True..better self control. I'm trying and I am aware of it..I need to try harder and keep a firmer hand on it.

Awareness.

At the fee's they charge..they should know almost everything. I think the secrets are what help make us the way we are. I've tried to rationalize some of why I'm the way I am. There are always outside influences that help contribute to our actions and our thinking. If you're already feeling broke though some people like to do what they can to make you feel worse or unbalanced. They usually have secrets of their own, that made them the way they are.

Sometimes, i feel that premium charges $ does not really relate to better services.

Still up to the person who is serving you.

The motive, the drive, the heart and soul.

There are times when I feel worse. And yeah exhausted from all the talking with other people. Socializing is draining. Watching body language, thinking before you speak. The closeness of it all. And everyone in it has the same or similar problems so it's supposed to be more comfortable to share.

That's why i prefer hiding behind the computer and keyboard.

Own pace.

But stucked in my own world.

Early morning here. So it's coffee time. I hope you found something good to stop the stomach growls.

Hope your coffee was great. (It became abusive to me...)

Nope... did not found any. (end up still suffering the pain till evening)

Take care, be gentle with yourself.. evening now ? I hope you have a good evening...

Later night already. (slept for 2 hours... might go back, head dizzying)

@mikenai22

Did you have an easier time with work when you were part time? Do you think your performance was better when you worked part time? Sorry...questions. Maybe they would let you go back to part time if that's the case. Sorry just throwing thoughts out.

Your own world...yep That I absolutely understand. It's safe. But sometimes unbearably lonely. Especially late at night, when it's dark. And you think and over think and you either get so anxious you feel like you are going to jump out of your skin or so depressed that you can't move.

The coffee was goood tbh but now I feel bad that I said anything about it. sorry about that.

Oh I wanted to ask...surfing net? For fishing? So you live close to the ocean? That must be nice. I'm sure it has it's downside though, with storms and such. Sorry I'm full of questions. Seems like I always have questions about things. If I ask too much just tell me to shut up.

Ah...well try to have a pleasant rest. I hope the dizziness goes away for you.

@mytwistedsoul

hiaz, at home... resting.

took the plunge from boss's offer of break. (but my fear came true... wasting time... i wonder if i should take haitus from computer or 7cups... or anything.)

Did you have an easier time with work when you were part time? Do you think your performance was better when you worked part time? Sorry...questions. Maybe they would let you go back to part time if that's the case. Sorry just throwing thoughts out.

Not really, its just abit more "flexible" in terms of food management.

But i have to rush home to "prepare" my food.

(if noticed, alot of stuffs are related to "my food" - yet i refused to change the habit of eating out... and spending real cash - despite it costing more)

I do not know if it is the morale of work that is dragging things down or what. Its like the fire (andreline to work is gone) I remember last time (before i become like this) waking up to "rush" to office to get things done, fixed, troubleshoot, resolve, brew "instant" coffee with colleagues, etc...

hey, dont worry about questions. (it helps me to open up too~) guess what it might even help me remember stuffs/habits of the past. (i think i shared with you a doc before of my past/life/habits? - a blog post of mine)

I dont think it is an issue, but rather, i do not know what to do for the next half of the day.

- exercise?

- play? (what?, pc?, anime/cartoon?, music?, etc...)

- konmari?

- read more health arcitles?

- sleep?

- prepare more food?

(Sorry twistedsoul, not trying to bash... but suddenly letting thoughts out)

Your own world...yep That I absolutely understand. It's safe. But sometimes unbearably lonely. Especially late at night, when it's dark. And you think and over think and you either get so anxious you feel like you are going to jump out of your skin or so depressed that you can't move.

It is lonely. (I like)

but sometimes i feel trapped and helpless.

not willing to listen and/or accept other's advice or recommendation.

Yep, either late at night, or when alone in a room/office whatever the situation is. (worse especially when something gone wrong, i.e. no food prepared, remember the breakfast incident?, etc.)

yea... the heart pulsing, trumatising...

The coffee was goood tbh but now I feel bad that I said anything about it. sorry about that.

Shit...

I did not intend the thoughts to be that way. (I apologise too for causing you think about it this way - how irresponsible of me to selfishly think of myself only)

Message I'm trying to send over is, something happy for me... yet ended up being so painful.

Yet i am still pushing through the pains daily. irregardless.

Actually, perhaps. i should listen or try out. quit cold turkey and see how.

(I did once before, almost good 14 days. quite a lot of placebo effects, i.e. brain fog, headaches, dizzyness, etc.)

Oh I wanted to ask...surfing net? For fishing? So you live close to the ocean? That must be nice. I'm sure it has it's downside though, with storms and such. Sorry I'm full of questions. Seems like I always have questions about things. If I ask too much just tell me to shut up.

er no?

Surfing net - www, internet, social media? (youtube, quora, reddit, blog posts, etc.)

Dont worry about questions.

I am not you, you are not me.

I cant tell what you interpret when i explain, you may interpret another way which you thought i wanted to explain.

The world is a complicated place... =.=

Ah...well try to have a pleasant rest. I hope the dizziness goes away for you.

zzz... not resting.. andreline rushing...

not really. panadol-ing again..

@mikenai22 Hey that's great that the boss offered you a break. Sometimes it is good to disconnect from the internet. You have to try to do what is best for you.

So you had more time to do your food preparations. I did notice and well, I have questions but.. I worry about asking things. That sounds stupid I guess but I always feel I have to watch what I say to everyone. Um..over-stepping boundaries I guess you would call it. I know you had said you don't eat sugar .

It's possible with the morale but if you enjoyed it before...something changed that. Something happened to make it change. I'm sorry that sounds so straight forward. It happened to me. I had a careful built house of cards, I was a little more social and not quite as nut's. It was quiet..er...in my head, And something happened and it set everything into motion again. And once it starts, I can't get it to shut off.

No blog, just a link for the yoga.

Hey throw all the thoughts out you want.

Yeah I know.. trapped inside yourself. and you can't make people understand how it feels to be you because you can't find the right words. Sometimes there is no way to explain, no words for any of it.

You don't need to apologize. It's just everyone is always saying to be careful not to trigger anyone, and I was worried that I upset you with talking about it. The headache's, brain fog and dizziness sound like caffine withdrawl.

You could see if taking a break from it would help.

Surfing net...man I am an idiot! lol sorry! I was picturing someone with a fishing net on a surfboard.. I thought, wow that would be hard!

That's some of why I ask questions all the time. It helps me get a better idea but I also understand that people don't want to talk about some things. But that really makes it hard to really talk with someone if you have to watch what you say.

Do you ever try what they call grounding tools for anxiety? I can't find anything that works for me yet. I've been told it helps, but I haven't had any luck. Although the take a deep breath thing helps a little.

Take care of yourself, be gentle.

@mytwistedsoul

Hey that's great that the boss offered you a break. Sometimes it is good to disconnect from the internet. You have to try to do what is best for you.

I was surprised my boss (another guy) offered. Because I kept telling my previous and current boss

So you had more time to do your food preparations. I did notice and well, I have questions but.. I worry about asking things. That sounds stupid I guess but I always feel I have to watch what I say to everyone. Um..over-stepping boundaries I guess you would call it. I know you had said you don't eat sugar .

Which is bad... cause it fuels my habits to prepare own meals. (hiaz)

its ok just ask. be open.

I am actually.. kinda open. (other than super sensitive stuffs. like... your address please. your personal details, etc...)

Sugar, well yea. No oil, no salt. (But been excessively on fruits. hiaz. what's the diff. still glucose in the end)

It's possible with the morale but if you enjoyed it before...something changed that. Something happened to make it change. I'm sorry that sounds so straight forward. It happened to me. I had a careful built house of cards, I was a little more social and not quite as nut's. It was quiet..er...in my head, And something happened and it set everything into motion again. And once it starts, I can't get it to shut off.

i do not know what.

something did.

maybe was something to do with food.

or work.

or life.

or army.

(funny, why cant i write properly now)

hmm do take care and "raise" good awareness of your thoughts :)

No blog, just a link for the yoga.

Hey throw all the thoughts out you want.

https://mikenai.wordpress.com/

(if you see the food pictures, dont worry... there has been some - minor - changes compared to the past)

Yeah I know.. trapped inside yourself. and you can't make people understand how it feels to be you because you can't find the right words. Sometimes there is no way to explain, no words for any of it.

precisely.

(honestly sometimes i am lost on how to "type" it out either.)

(it just it is as how it is. like act of nature. and it just had to happen or this way and nothing can describe it)

You don't need to apologize. It's just everyone is always saying to be careful not to trigger anyone, and I was worried that I upset you with talking about it. The headache's, brain fog and dizziness sound like caffine withdrawl.

Don't worry.

I'll probably just hold back if i see anything.

(guess what, sometimes i am even worse off. I actually make a "cold joke out of it")

(i.e. colleague, relatives, family asked - "what are you eating?"

mike (or wc) : "Shit food ok? Baby food? I know, not suitable for human consumption, not nutritious, not balanced.")

<go away - just leave me alone... =.= kind of feeling>

You could see if taking a break from it would help.

someone need to take a sledge hammer

- break my internet, computer, mobile

- and most importantly wack me on my neck or some "ultra" pill so that i can deep sleep for a good break

Surfing net...man I am an idiot! lol sorry! I was picturing someone with a fishing net on a surfboard.. I thought, wow that would be hard!

=.= its ok. sorry if somehow confused you...

That's some of why I ask questions all the time. It helps me get a better idea but I also understand that people don't want to talk about some things. But that really makes it hard to really talk with someone if you have to watch what you say.

if you noticed, I am not good in socialising... (i hardly ask anything)

like above, just ask :)

I'll reply whenever i can. I hope i dont miss any lines (perfectionist coming in again)

Do you ever try what they call grounding tools for anxiety? I can't find anything that works for me yet. I've been told it helps, but I haven't had any luck. Although the take a deep breath thing helps a little.

So far... i noticed, whenever i am away from the computer.

It seems to help.

<shit man... am i supposed to get out.. of the IT world?>

Take care of yourself, be gentle.

ok... sorry. i cant remember

@mikenai22

Sounds like one boss is a little more open minded and sensitive to the needs of his employees.

Don't need the super sensitive things to really talk.

When you first said about fruit...I thought maybe it was a sensitivity to pectin. So you're basically a vegetarian?

It's weird...I type the same way sometimes. Like the words are just spinning around in your head and you're just able to grab one at a time.

Thanks for the link.. Some of the stuff looks really good. Although I did wonder about the eggs..although reading your blog farther along I saw it was the doctor, dietitians that pushed you towards it. For protein?

Agreed..I've often thought it would be easier for me if people could just read my mind or if I could just use pictures maybe they would be able to understand easier what I'm trying to say.

What ever you want to share or don't want to. I won't push or pressure you into anything you're uncomfortable sharing.

(weird- sorry it's just the text on my end here looks different) (probably just me)

If you figure out the ultra pill for sleep please let me know!

I'm not too good with socializing either. I know I can get a little annoying with questions, like a kid asking why the sky is blue or something.

Maybe you do need a break from cyber space. Or maybe limit it. Which would suck. But if you feel better away from it... if you decide to though...would you please just tell me that you are..not just disappear. It would make me worry about you.

I know it's hard to remember. I know I don't all the time either.

(gentle reminder) Be gentle with yourself.

@mytwistedsoul

Sounds like one boss is a little more open minded and sensitive to the needs of his employees.

But i have alot of (past) grudes with him.

and dont really like (appreciate) the "style" of work attitude of his. (kinda pressured/stressful)

and hard to communicate with him also

Don't need the super sensitive things to really talk.

Well... since you highlighted about crossing boundaries.

When you first said about fruit...I thought maybe it was a sensitivity to pectin. So you're basically a vegetarian?

Been on this weird diet.

whole-food, plant based diet.

although i have no choice but to get "budget" yougurt and milo which are "dairy" based.

(which i realised... that oh... so i am not vegetarian nor vegan - also i never inspired to be one. i just want to be clean/healthy/simple)

somehow, unknowlingly, i kinda "disliked" meat, oil, sugar, etc...

but often times i cant avoid them.

worst off, because of my relation with "bread, waffles, nut butter" with my parents, i end up making more "fake" bread/pancakes myself...

but yet i often have guilt when i consume them myself.

(fyi, despite what i am doing, my parents are still "spending" for themselves. hence now become double spending =.= more wasteage of money)

It's weird...I type the same way sometimes. Like the words are just spinning around in your head and you're just able to grab one at a time.

yea... it just comes and flow and it appeared on the screen.

Thanks for the link.. Some of the stuff looks really good. Although I did wonder about the eggs..although reading your blog farther along I saw it was the doctor, dietitians that pushed you towards it. For protein?

Really...? (Thanks for commending.)

If you like to see more of recent stuffs... (more cakey/bready, then i'll dig from my server to post.)

Yea... i hate all these stuffs, carbohydrates, protein, fats. Good and Bad carbs. Processed and Unprocessed. High and Low GI, GL...

Whatever fad, dogma there is.

I know the "lack of nutritents" of a vegetarian/vegan diet... but i cant help stressing over them. (irrirating and costly.)

That's why i cant eat what i (truely) really want.

Agreed..I've often thought it would be easier for me if people could just read my mind or if I could just use pictures maybe they would be able to understand easier what I'm trying to say.

wow... pictures.

not bad of an idea if you can do it.

i doubt it will be easy for other's to interpret. plus if it is those behavioural expression type of drawing... i think it will be difficult for them to understand.

hahas, mind reading. (yes please, download my brain. save my throat. i cant talk much. which is part of the reason i dont want to socialise. my throat hurts just after a short chat. worse off if the other party argues with me.)

What ever you want to share or don't want to. I won't push or pressure you into anything you're uncomfortable sharing.

(weird- sorry it's just the text on my end here looks different) (probably just me)

Thank you. Don't worry.

I think my "safety" mechaism is still functioning. (remember the breakfast thingy. i still have the photo of it in the dustbin.)

(Why this breakfast thing is easier to remember than self-care/being gentle...)

If you figure out the ultra pill for sleep please let me know!

I did met something close enough. Paracetomol + muscle relaxant combination (at least i slept for a good hour - 95% knocked out and the next day you be in zombie mode) although not the best... but at least my dizziness was more numbing...

However it requires doctor's prescription.

Otherwise like my earlier recommendation. sledge hammer. =.=||

I'm not too good with socializing either. I know I can get a little annoying with questions, like a kid asking why the sky is blue or something.

hahas, kids. They are more daring. Along with the questions.

Maybe you do need a break from cyber space. Or maybe limit it. Which would suck. But if you feel better away from it... if you decide to though...would you please just tell me that you are..not just disappear. It would make me worry about you.

Okays. (But i have a problem to disengage)

Just like work.

I know it's hard to remember. I know I don't all the time either.

(gentle reminder) Be gentle with yourself.

(wish... i could. thanks for constant reminder)

(but usually after typing this post... the message flies away...)

@mikenai22 It would be hard to work with people like that. To be under alot of pressure and then to not be able to talk with them.

There are somethings I don't like to eat because of it's texture. Or my I "think" I see something in it that looks like a bug, it actually a spice or parsley. Something stupid and then I can't eat it. Food's expensive. And everything keeps going up and the healthier they claim something is..the more it costs.

I love sweet potatoes. The mixed veg and oatmeal looked great! And the ham/cheese pizza. I eat alot of oatmeal, especially in the winter. I don't cook a whole lot, since it's just me it seems kind of senseless to put a whole lot into preparing a meal. More often that not I just eat supper in the evening. And honestly..it's usually just popcorn. Not real healthy.

Wouldn't that just make everything so much easier if you could download your thoughts like that?

Alot of times the things for self care are alittle too plushy, too sweet. Oh you're having a bad day..eat a piece of chocolate. Or soak in a bubble bath. Too cutesy. For lack of a better word. And your breakfast was something you were really looking forward to.

Ah a prescription... yeah that's not gonna happen. The sledgehammer does hold some appeal. Just a quick tap to knock me out. I imagine the headache afterwards would be brutal.

Thanks... It is hard to disengage from the cyber world. Well sometimes, other time's I avoid it. Mainly because I'll find things and then I over think it and drive myself nuts.

I understand. I have a hard time remembering it myself. Sometimes it just seems pointless and my self preservation isn't the best. Sometimes I think I'm just trying to die slowly. Pathetic on my part.

Take care...be gentle with yourself.

@mytwistedsoul

It would be hard to work with people like that. To be under alot of pressure and then to not be able to talk with them.

yea... exactly.

which i guess fueled some of my issues. (but i guess they are not to blame - proabably is more on how i manage)

There are somethings I don't like to eat because of it's texture. Or my I "think" I see something in it that looks like a bug, it actually a spice or parsley. Something stupid and then I can't eat it. Food's expensive. And everything keeps going up and the healthier they claim something is..the more it costs.

yea. it is always going up. never down.

i dont really like it. hence the cautious-ness with $. but yet people around me dont understand why i stay "budget" or perhaps i went to extreme...

I love sweet potatoes. The mixed veg and oatmeal looked great! And the ham/cheese pizza. I eat alot of oatmeal, especially in the winter. I don't cook a whole lot, since it's just me it seems kind of senseless to put a whole lot into preparing a meal. More often that not I just eat supper in the evening. And honestly..it's usually just popcorn. Not real healthy.

yup, sweet potatoes. (one of my favourite mono-meals)

somehow oatmeal.... doesnot work for me in the morning anymore.

might try again.

wow serious popcorn? (filling? for me i keep worrying about sore-throat when dealing with popcorn)

Wouldn't that just make everything so much easier if you could download your thoughts like that?

Welcome to the world of Matrix.

Alot of times the things for self care are alittle too plushy, too sweet. Oh you're having a bad day..eat a piece of chocolate. Or soak in a bubble bath. Too cutesy. For lack of a better word. And your breakfast was something you were really looking forward to.

that's why i am abit confused, when dealing with self-care..

it is very puzzling.

yet hard to justify. what is right and wrong for individuals.

Ah a prescription... yeah that's not gonna happen. The sledgehammer does hold some appeal. Just a quick tap to knock me out. I imagine the headache afterwards would be brutal.

... ...

yea, gona suck..

Thanks... It is hard to disengage from the cyber world. Well sometimes, other time's I avoid it. Mainly because I'll find things and then I over think it and drive myself nuts.

unfortunately it is main bulk part of my work. (excluding internet - its the weird habit that i have now that is killing everything)

I understand. I have a hard time remembering it myself. Sometimes it just seems pointless and my self preservation isn't the best. Sometimes I think I'm just trying to die slowly. Pathetic on my part.

=.=

maybe sometimes just gona have to try another method or so.

or the old way of studying.

(repetitions until I remember)

Take care...be gentle with yourself.

Like i guessed. (Thanks)

(When will i ever remember...)

@mikenai22

actually, suddenly I just thought.

why do I have to listen to what "other" say that I should be eating...

I can have what I prefer... at any time. (even if it is adnormal hours)

hmmm.... what made me keep thinking that the internet is correct...

@mikenai22

It does make things worse. Especially if you're all ready feeling bad about things. For all the people that say they aren't judging you, you know they are by the comments they make. And some thing's you shouldn't have to explain.

It's hard to stay on budget, every week it seems like the prices have gone up. You try to save money but it never works. Things come up that you need to pay for.

Not filling for long. But it's 4 minutes in the microwave and I don't have to sit at the kitchen table to eat.

The Matrix... those were good movies. Sort of feels like my life. I'm living it, but it's not really mine. Just waiting for someone to unplug me..

It's confusing for me too. I know alot of people have their go to things when it comes to self care. But my laying in bed all day watching netflix doesn't make me feel better. I'm not into baths..just seems gross, sitting in dirty water.

It sucks that the things that once brought happiness does the opposite. I go through that on here sometimes. Someone will make a comment about letting things go and moving on...like if I could do that don't you think I would have all ready.

Write it down..carry it in your pocket or sticky note it some where you'll see it often. I have sticky notes every where to remind me of things.

@mytwistedsoul

Sorry, not sure why i did not receive any alerts on updates on the thread.

Perhaps i accidentally clicked it away.

It does make things worse. Especially if you're all ready feeling bad about things. For all the people that say they aren't judging you, you know they are by the comments they make. And some thing's you shouldn't have to explain.

well it depends on the situation and the menality state at the point of time

It's hard to stay on budget, every week it seems like the prices have gone up. You try to save money but it never works. Things come up that you need to pay for.

Yea... it seems challenging.

Everytime i just have to keep balancing them until i am very tired and exhausted about it

Not filling for long. But it's 4 minutes in the microwave and I don't have to sit at the kitchen table to eat.

=.= okays...

The Matrix... those were good movies. Sort of feels like my life. I'm living it, but it's not really mine. Just waiting for someone to unplug me..

kinda sucky doesn't it.

It's confusing for me too. I know alot of people have their go to things when it comes to self care. But my laying in bed all day watching netflix doesn't make me feel better. I'm not into baths..just seems gross, sitting in dirty water.

Hmm, if you are "forcing" yourself to do something that you dont like... then why continue?

Unless there is a good reason, benefit behind it that you are pursuing for?

It sucks that the things that once brought happiness does the opposite. I go through that on here sometimes. Someone will make a comment about letting things go and moving on...like if I could do that don't you think I would have all ready.

It is.

Like stuffs that I value (although others dont).

---

Everyone's perspective and reasons for letting go, moving on is different.

(it is not easy to let go at times, even my own stuffs that i once treasured)

Write it down..carry it in your pocket or sticky note it some where you'll see it often. I have sticky notes every where to remind me of things.

Hmm... but sticky notes are just... scrapes of papers which can be easily misplaced.

Somehow i favour digitial data, but then too much data becomes overwhelimg also to manage..

Guess this is it?

My (unofficial) newer superior wanted me to ward myself since i am not putting efforts to help myself.

There is nothing that can help me, if i cant help myself.

Plus it has been so long, and the company may need to intervene if still nothing done.

Hiaz. Troubling.

@mikenai22 Hey How are you?

No worries.. To be honest... I figured I said something I shouldn't have and either made you mad or upset you. I seem to have that talent. If I did I am sorry. I didn't set out on the journey to hurt anyone.

Sorry... I'm stuck in some bad head space. I screwed up big time yesterday and gave into some urges I was having and threw away 44 days of no SH. I feel like an idiot. Like you asked- If you're forcing yourself to do things you don't like, why continue? The only thing I can come up with is- punishment. For not being good enough, for being me, for living.

It's not easy to let go... of anything. Thoughts, emotions, possessions.. As you said everyones perspective is different. And it's hard to explain things from our perspective to other people. Only we understand where we're coming from. And with me, I'm not even sure myself all the time. I have bad influences inside my head.

yeah sticky notes are just scraps of paper...to be thrown away, misplaced. I use them to help me keep track of time and so I remember what does or doesn't need done. Sometimes everything is too much to manage.

I'm not sure I know what you mean with warding yourself. In-patient?

It was nice to hear from you again..

Take care and be gentle with yourself. ( I need to practice that myself)

@mytwistedsoul

Hey How are you?

(i wonder if i should be honest or fake a good response here)

today's run was kinda unsure, how should i rate it. subpar haha.

but i could not garner enough strength for my usual chin-ups

No worries.. To be honest... I figured I said something I shouldn't have and either made you mad or upset you. I seem to have that talent. If I did I am sorry. I didn't set out on the journey to hurt anyone.

No... its not your fault. (Please don't be sorry. Never be.)

(remember i was very glad to have someone to "chat" with... compared to the 1-1, group chat)

I wont say it is upseting or what.

But rather more like how i react to things...

And perhaps i have been harping too much to my management.

Sorry... I'm stuck in some bad head space. I screwed up big time yesterday and gave into some urges I was having and threw away 44 days of no SH. I feel like an idiot. Like you asked- If you're forcing yourself to do things you don't like, why continue? The only thing I can come up with is- punishment. For not being good enough, for being me, for living.

pardon me... i kinda forgot about "SH"

hmm... guess kinda similar in behaviours, for mine is like workouts... even when underperforming.

Sometimes we just forget the laws of nature... unless things strike so badly/critically

It's not easy to let go... of anything. Thoughts, emotions, possessions.. As you said everyones perspective is different. And it's hard to explain things from our perspective to other people. Only we understand where we're coming from. And with me, I'm not even sure myself all the time. I have bad influences inside my head.

It is. Dont worry, i can comprehen the difficulity. I too face troubles speaking out (even typing out can be challenging too). There are thigns that are probably unexplanable?

yeah sticky notes are just scraps of paper...to be thrown away, misplaced. I use them to help me keep track of time and so I remember what does or doesn't need done. Sometimes everything is too much to manage.

guess everyone's have their ways.

well if it works out for you, no ones gona stop.

but yea, i do agree that sometimes too much is overwhelming in management.

I'm not sure I know what you mean with warding yourself. In-patient?

Eating Disorder Unit - Basically if i were to ward.

It will be in a locked down facility.

You'll be monitored/tracked/forced-fed/etc. 24x7 (including movements)

It was nice to hear from you again..

Take care and be gentle with yourself. ( I need to practice that myself)

(Happy to see your response so quickly) Sorry again about the delay... did not realised i missed the alert.

Thanks for hte reminder.

@mikenai22

I hope you'll always try to be honest. But I understand how hard that can be. If we admit to things it makes it real. Real is scary.

I've been told that SH can come in many forms. We all have our own ways. Some may be a little more subtle than others. Even pushing yourself to exercise, when you're tired and weak. We can be our own worse enemies. We take it out on ourselves when our bodies and thoughts don't work the way we feel they should. If I'm to be honest - I often feel I should just give in and go all the way and just be done with it. Man that sounds so pathetic.

Do you catch yourself wanting to type or say things but you don't for fear of other's reactions? I know I do. So you type, delete, type some more, delete it again. And start over.

Lock down - that's scary. I've been there, not for an eating disorder but yeah.. I didn't like it.Handing over all my control to people I don't know or trust. And the whole 24/7. Monitoring and being told what to do and when to do it. Although sometimes we have to do just that and keep in mind that it's probably what's best for us. But it's not an easy decision.

You don't need to apologize. Things happen. I've missed alerts too. Or you get so many and then that's over whelming. Plus I realize that people have outside lives, family, commitments. Life..

The song...a little sappy. It just talks about how things always seem to hit the hardest in the early hours, when we're alone and lost. Depressed and you have no belief or faith in yourself. That I believe in you. I know and understand the struggles you face. We all have our battles and while they may be different in many ways.. we just need someone to believe in us. Someone to believe that we are good people, we just have problems we need help with. Even if we are at our worst...that there is someone that believes in our strength.

Take good care of yourself Mike...do whatever you need to do to make yourself well and whole. I believe in you.

@mytwistedsoul

I hope you'll always try to be honest. But I understand how hard that can be. If we admit to things it makes it real. Real is scary.

My honesty has always given me loads of trouble

1. People get pissed off (i.e. I believe my colleagues are sick of me "emo-ing", "nagging" about my health issues)

2. Opening people's darkest secrets, which should not be revealed (i.e. although i assessed that it should be better voiced out for the betterment of the other person)

3. Too kind, Lack of Self-Care

I've been told that SH can come in many forms. We all have our own ways. Some may be a little more subtle than others. Even pushing yourself to exercise, when you're tired and weak. We can be our own worse enemies. We take it out on ourselves when our bodies and thoughts don't work the way we feel they should. If I'm to be honest - I often feel I should just give in and go all the way and just be done with it. Man that sounds so pathetic.

Okays... SH = Self-Harm... I thought was Self-Help or something

Actually, you know sometimes its about mindset?

Its like my exercise, i might be tired and weak, but still push. (Thinking that it is self-harm)

But if i think it about another way like, after running, imagine the good feelings after the workout.

Why not just push for this short moment and you enjoy the good feelings later?

So like there are alot of pros and cons... to it.

But then, there are times where critical situations needs careful handling.

i.e. body healing due to accident/injury, yet still pushing. I believe/presume that this is getting overboard.

But then yes, also that there are times where you should give yourself a break. I mean... like no point cassesste tape (loop, loop and loop, forever)

Do you catch yourself wanting to type or say things but you don't for fear of other's reactions? I know I do. So you type, delete, type some more, delete it again. And start over.

Yes. I find it easier (way way easier) to type (in clear) honest words.

Ask me to open mouth in front of the person? (probably not, unless is a 1-1 conversation in a private location)

Lock down - that's scary. I've been there, not for an eating disorder but yeah.. I didn't like it.Handing over all my control to people I don't know or trust. And the whole 24/7. Monitoring and being told what to do and when to do it. Although sometimes we have to do just that and keep in mind that it's probably what's best for us. But it's not an easy decision.

In general hospital, to take care of Eating Disorder patients, they are kept together with er, (you know, i dont want to say - kind of persons)

It was very trumatising, and somehow my father budged in and dragged me out immediately.

It is literality like "army" (which was my another problematic area)

You don't need to apologize. Things happen. I've missed alerts too. Or you get so many and then that's over whelming. Plus I realize that people have outside lives, family, commitments. Life..

=.= yea. forgot. my bad. kinda obssessed i guess.

The song...a little sappy. It just talks about how things always seem to hit the hardest in the early hours, when we're alone and lost. Depressed and you have no belief or faith in yourself. That I believe in you. I know and understand the struggles you face. We all have our battles and while they may be different in many ways.. we just need someone to believe in us. Someone to believe that we are good people, we just have problems we need help with. Even if we are at our worst...that there is someone that believes in our strength.

Thank you for explaining.

Take good care of yourself Mike...do whatever you need to do to make yourself well and whole. I believe in you.

Will try, but no promises.

(To/For those who kept harping/gunpoint-ing me to ward myself - Sorry, I know you "care" for me. And maybe "lost" hope/faith for me.)

@mikenai22

I always figured that the people who get pissed off the quickest about it have the darkest secrets. Yeah sometimes you have to say something. People can be so quick to point out others flaws but if you say something about theirs...

Sorry I guess I figure everyone automatically knows what the SH stands for. Sometimes it needs very careful handling. I try not to be a hard harmer (therapist calls it that). Sometimes it can get out of hand though. Like if you know that you're tired and weak, you push through your workout but if you don't do as well as you think you should, you beat yourself up over it. I think technically it's a form of punishment either way.

Oh yeah..I'm am the same way. And even 1-1 talks I just nod my head alot. My social skills suck. I still spend alot of time making sure all my words are right.

With the nuts? I'm absolutely positive that isn't PC (politically correct) but hey I've been in there myself. A tree is a tree. I'm sorry it was traumatizing for you. I can see why it would be. They should have something a little different for eating disorders. Something not so ridged and strict. I guess they only have so many resources for everything though. And private clinics are expensive.

Um... not sure what to do with the last bit.
take care, yeah?

@mytwistedsoul

I always figured that the people who get pissed off the quickest about it have the darkest secrets. Yeah sometimes you have to say something. People can be so quick to point out others flaws but if you say something about theirs...

really..? never noticed that trend though.

well about that... yea. i do have this bad habit also...

Sorry I guess I figure everyone automatically knows what the SH stands for. Sometimes it needs very careful handling. I try not to be a hard harmer (therapist calls it that). Sometimes it can get out of hand though. Like if you know that you're tired and weak, you push through your workout but if you don't do as well as you think you should, you beat yourself up over it. I think technically it's a form of punishment either way.

haha, dont be. its ok. it just slipped my mind.

okays. i think i get what you mean.

yea, it is the mentality on how you perceive the effort or as punishment.

but then it is also true that it can be another form of pain/punishment - which isnt very healthy

Oh yeah..I'm am the same way. And even 1-1 talks I just nod my head alot. My social skills suck. I still spend alot of time making sure all my words are right.

mmm.mmm.

With the nuts? I'm absolutely positive that isn't PC (politically correct) but hey I've been in there myself. A tree is a tree. I'm sorry it was traumatizing for you. I can see why it would be. They should have something a little different for eating disorders. Something not so ridged and strict. I guess they only have so many resources for everything though. And private clinics are expensive.

I'll re-phrase as mentally unstable.

it is ok.

problem the other time was because it was the available ward that the hospital has that the doctors are entitled to offer. (some in-house rules)

Um... not sure what to do with the last bit.
take care, yeah?

its ok... dont have to suggest.

yup... gona rest. you too take care for the day.