One thing I am feeling sad about today is....

I feel sad that I am not singing in the band anymore.

Today I am feeling sad about....

a guy I used to talk to and the fact that things didnt work out and that he rejected me.

I dont have much friends

i cant find a really nice man thats into me for me

I am sad because my husband of 6 years finally expressed his wishes to leave me. he went out of his way to get an apartment of his own to have a private place to meet the woman he is having an affair with. not that I could not see this coming, but fell for the lie that he just needed a bit of space and would soon return. he tells me that he felt trapped and that his love for me has dwindled.

and now I sit here trying not to break down at work, feeling like a failure of a wife and a burden of a human. despite all of this I miss him, and still want him back. which I know is stupid because everyone tells me this. I feel useless, patheic, and hopeless. I want nothing more than to just ... disappear somehow. I tell myself the feeling will leave, but to be honest I am not really sure of that.

a lot of reasons really, although theyre not valid ones. after all, things only bother me if i let them. the external world can go on and on and id still be fine if i didnt actually think about it.

in the morning, i read comments that were anti-lgbt. now usually, such a thing doesnt affect me, because i think i already resolved the issue that lgbts arent as predatory as many paint them out to be. however, i often forget about how what i think doesnt always match up with how other people think, and there are many opinions about this issue that i may not be aware of. for instance, perhaps some lgbts do use this situation (equal marriage rights) to push for their agenda. perhaps it is true that the minority shouldnt inconvenience the majority. i dont know really. what i picture to be ideal are just like that, leftist ideals. do they actually work out in reality? i dont know. the more conservative comments i read regarding the economy and trump, the more i realize maybe preaching 'equality' may not be as simple as i once thought it out to be. so to put simply, this situation is making me rethink about what i once thought ought to be, because someone like me cannot possibly define what is right or wrong without ignoring the feelings of others.

additionally.... ive been feeling quite isolated again. now and then i keep having 'flashbacks' where people passively hurt me, either through their remarks, comments, or behaviours. of course, i used to be hurt at that time but over time, i forgot about them. but now that i start to actually think about my worth as a human, to the larger community, the fact that i often get ignored, relegated aside, makes me think that its true that ive never been good enough to anyone. obviously this kind of thinking leads to such a slippery, slippery, slope. but its hard not to ignore that once i realized that. the thought of being attractive enough (physically, socially, etc.) that people would be nice to me keeps revisiting every so often, and i realize its not healthy to think about something that i cant control. just like the past.

lastly, the fact that im lagging behind from other students and that i can start to feel it now that i get to hear what other students thought processes are like, is beginning to hit me. i really think i havent really been trying that hard this trimester, for instance i havent put in equal efforts for all subjects and ive been leaving my assignments to the last minute. whereas the procrastinators that i knew are starting early, some even skipping their tutorials and lectures today to complete their assignment. i dont know what im doing....

perhaps the good in today is that im home now after a rough day and i have temporary solace until tomorrow comes. and the fact that i received a phone call from my parents who are abroad atm. it was fun.

My boyfriend and I have been at each other's throats lately. I am not a negative person but he seems to always be half glass empty like everything that interrupts his day is a disaster. His tone really hurts me and I know he doesn't mean it but I have told him before that your tone says so much about how you feel. Maybe I am being too sensitive? But I always try to stop and think before I say anything to make sure it doesn't hurt feelings. I tell him when I think he is rude but it makea him feel like everything he does and says is wrong. I don't have an answer....mayday! Communications are down!!

I have to see my stalker in court.

I have fun things to do today but I have not really slept a full night in about a week and I am so tired but can't sleep ...that I know I will not fully be enjoying anything fun today...just going through the motions waiting to go home.

im in love with someone i shouldnt be in love with..

I can't find my listener

How my pain and unhappiness makes me act out and hurt those around me.