brokenflower1902 Member Profile

...See more I’m tired of all the guilt I feel from lashing out when I’m unwell. I don’t know how to make myself feel okay about it, I hurt the people around me and I lose myself even more. I don’t know at what point I can say I’m just unwell and it’s okay, because it’s not and what I do isn’t okay… but it’s not my fault, is it? I’m violent, impulsive, angry and manipulative. I’ve hurt everyone around me, it’s just a ticking time bomb. What makes me sad is that it’s not even me, I’m the kindest person I know. I stop to help someone cross the road, open a door, make people feel heard and seen and not alone. I look after people, I put strangers before myself. I put people before myself. But then something happens and I feel like I can’t trust someone, like they might betray me, or I just didn’t like the tone of their voice and I suddenly don’t know them anymore. I attack them and become an entire different person, the worst type you can imagine. Then I have to deal with the guilt when I’m back to me again and it feels like I just don’t know how much more I can handle and continue to do this. What happens when I lose someone? When they finally give up on me? I feel confused like I’m trapped inside my mind but my soul is far away, like there’s someone else who controls my mind, thoughts and feelings but they’re not giving me enough attention so I’m disoriented and constantly switching. I feel like I’ve abandoned myself because it feels impossible to just be good for myself. I feel so sad for the person I thought I was 😞 if anyone else feels this way, you’re not alone

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