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yellowPlace7776
5,694 M Moving Along 1
PathStep 29 Compassion hearts71 Forum posts99 Forum upvotes123 Current upvotes123 Age GroupAdult Last activeMay, 2020 Member sinceJuly 17, 2018
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a log of just another random & irrelevant person in the world
Journals & Diaries / by yellowPlace7776
Last post
 March 4th, 2019
...See more somehow i both want attention and resent it. somehow ive tried publishing negative thoughts online at least on tumblr and was afraid someone would actually read it - but when no one actually did, somehow i wanted someone to reach out to me even more. it's so weird. i'm so contradictory on so many facets. so maybe i'll give this diary thing a try - but no guarantees when someone responds because somehow, i feel like i have to try being 'nicer' when responding back to other people? and because of that, i dont want to burden anyone or make them feel like they didnt help. because the issues i have are pretty much the same and i just cant break the cycle. if anything it just feels like its gotten worse. and the relief brought by my imaginary support system seems to be running thin now. it's just not working anymore. my mind's becoming such a huge echo chamber and even if i try to reach out by posting my thoughts online these days, its still just... somehow synonymous with shouting into the void. no one gets me. im just somehow not normal because ive never been brought up that way. and as time passes by, as i grow more aware of my own personal failings, of the gap i have in wavelengths with the average person.. everything just starts falling apart and i start thinking that i want out. and preferably permanently. because i never asked to be born in this world. and yet now i need to carry the burden ('responsibility') of being a proper, functional, contributive human. i feel like maybe if i wasnt born in a city, or if i was born a few decades back... maybe, just maybe, i wouldnt hate the life im living right now. but i might be wrong. afterall we often see the past and see other things through rose-tinted glasses. the grass always seems greener on the other side. just short of 2 years ago i started watching anime. and i found myself gravitating towards slice of life or the comedy genre. and more and more i realize the shows that draw me in highlight the themes of friendship, of connections, of many wonderful things that i feel like i never really experienced before. not in that large amount of dosage anyway. maybe i just seek a proper closure to a largely friendless, rejected chidhood. maybe i just keep holding out on the hope that if things seem possible, no matter how idealistic, they're bound to happen one day. but slowly i feel, the only thing its making me feel is let down. disappointment that its a goal that ill never be able to attain. i wonder how someone with next to 0 social skills, who largely detests social interaction yet also craving connection, would be able to move out of that hermit-like life one day. i'm starting to think that maybe that 'one day' will never come. i guess i should be happy just living in this fantasy lala-land of mine for now.
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