Depression Community - How do you actually feel today?

Today I am angry. I'm angry at my brain for not functioning properly. I'm angry at myself for exacerbating my pain with terrible coping mechanisms. I'm angry at this country for making it basically impossible to get help. I'm angry at my family for not checking on me when they know things haven't been good for quite some time now. I'm just angry.

The last week has been emotional hell. I'm not sure if I will be able to get myself up and to work tomorrow. I texted my therapist while I was freaking out the most. I haven't heard from her and kinda don't expect to until I see her Saturday. I don't know what I should do.

@yzzil

maybe you just need to take a personal day tomorrow, rest and gather yourself

@easyWater4109 I probably should.

This whole past week has been a roller coaster.

Okay so let's list off all the mental illnesses I have before I share this story:

-Severe Depression

-Anxiety

-PTSD

-Asperger's Syndrome

-Bipolar Disorder

-ADD

-BPD

---so the story starts here...

I was talking to who I though was my fourth cousin. My mom committed suicide over five years ago and he knew my mom so I ALWAYS talked about her with him. But I noticed every time I talked to him, he would choke up. So I thought...maybe it isn't what he told me...maybe he...loved her. So one night, I asked him...

"Hey Gerard...I keep thinking about this weird question going on in my mind about you actually loving my mother. But you're gay so I don't know why I think this."

He responded by telling me that there's a difference between physical and emotional attraction. Then he admitted some words were exchanged between them...and some other stuff happened. But I knew exactly what he was talking about. I asked if it was before or after my mother married my father. He said "both". Then I laughed. I said, "wouldn't it be crazy if I was actually your biological daughter?" He laughed nervously and got really quiet. Then indirectly...he revealed that he's not my cousin...he's my biological father.

At first I was ELATED because...well being a Way seemed very cool to me. But things quickly turned sour. I came to the realization that he left my mother for his bandmate TWICE, and neglected me shortly after my 7th birthday. And he tricked me to believe that Chris was my biological father, who I should add abused me and is the reason I have PTSD. And all the suffering I had to go through when my mother neglected me too and moved to Virginia from my home state Wisconsin, and also adding her suicide, plus my father never returning for her funeral because he was on tour at the time.

I began to break down. He could have taken me with him after my mother died but he tried to forget about me. I felt like I truly didn't know true family, a thing I craved my whole life. A missing part of me. He shut down and called himself a horrible father and then yelled at me because I was never supposed to know but I "pressured" him into telling me. He told me it has nothing to do with him never coming back but resentment to his fiancé. But it had NOTHING to do with her. Then he stopped talking to me for the rest of the day. The next day, he talked to me again. I was concerned about a situation I was going through at the moment, so I went to vent to him. He got really mad and called me a smart ass. Then he blocked my number and sent this to his fiancé:

"I swear to god I am so done with her! She is the cause of 99% of my stress. Not music, not art. HER. I am about to block her on every social media outlet and change my phone number so she cant contact me anymore. I'm so sick of it! If I die, its either gonna be from stress, an aneurism or however the fuck you spell it, or SUICIDE. Like you said, all she ever talks about it either Amber or me and I have to deal with it because if I tell her, she will flip her god damn shit and make me feel guilty. Then who's the demonized one? I'm beginning to wish I never talked to her again. This is why I left! She was never supposed to know I'm her father! It was only supposed to be good friends at the most. She's so obsessed and overdramatic. You can show her this, copy and paste it to her. But I won't because I don't have the stomach to do so myself."

After reading that paragraph...I cut myself. Relapsed for the first time in over three years. I felt so worthless. Both of my parents wanted nothing to do with me and I felt so alone and crushed. His fiance told him I cut myself and he texted me saying

'You better knock your fucking shit off"

Then my phone died.

Once I turned it back on he said I was ignoring him and that he was going to leave for the night and have me talk to his friend instead.

He gave the phone to her.

At first she tried convincing me to cut contact with him, because of how similar we are we constantly push each other away like magnets. But after all I have done for my father, I couldn't just turn away. Or I would feel ultimate betrayal. So she told me that he only said that stuff because he was angry and he didnt mean it. She said he always loved me and he is leaving $25000 of inheritance money for after his death. But i haven't talked to him since that night. I feel like I am unwanted, all I want is to be with him again and have a relationship we never had, but he lives in California. I miss him so much. I can't get this off of my mind, I can't vent it to him because there will be another emotional outburst. I dont know what to do, I'm scared, confused because there are still SO MANY QUESTIONS left unanswered. Hurt...empty...i am so lost now that I can't even see straight.

Are you suggesting you're related to Gerard Way

Uh...yeah. But I don't expect anyone to believe me because...well no one really knows his life prior to MCR. But I just NEEDED to vent because this has been driving me fucking INSANE. I don't...know how I feel about it. True me, he's a totally different person off stage and he's DEFINITELY not the way he used to be when I was a kid. I just miss the old him...I want him back so bad.

But Gerard's married.. Why'd you say fiancé

Came across this recently and I believe its moral to be true. However, it doesn't help me to overcome my problems. Perhaps that's because it's much easier to give in to despair than it is to fight for hope. Hopefully you guys can win your battles unlike myself... :P

"The Wolves Within"

An old Cherokee chief was teaching his grandson about life...

"A fight is going on inside me," he said to the boy.
"It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves.

"One is evil - he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, self-doubt, and ego.

"The other is good - he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith.

"This same fight is going on inside you - and inside every other person, too."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather,
"Which wolf will win?"

The old chief simply replied,
"The one you feed."

I just got out of the pys ward. I've been really depressed & out of my head for sometime. I feel better but I can't wait till group & share with the ladies. I love our women's group that I attend.

I had a dream last night.. He was there..I was so happy to finally see him..touch him again..I guess in the dream I walked away for a bit.. I come back and he's gone again.. I also got a text from him around 1 this morning... I just feel so confused and broken..he's all I've been able to think about..most of the time. I just sit and listen to the song he sent me a link to a while back..or read through older text messages..makes me feel like he's that much closer.

I miss my baby so much..😖

I had a bad day coz I spent it bed not able to move much. Got my foot plastered up and no energy for anything plus I had the extra benefit of listening to my mum talk an talk an talk an talk an talk an talk an talk till I jus tuned out an she eventually walked off. Ppl with ice addiction can talk non stop about nothing at all and she jus did my head in with talking today. I can't wait to get out of bed but iyss hard to move a lot. So I've had long tiring day in bed :(

This has been a horrible month for me. I tried to stop taking my anti depressants because I didn't want to have to rely on medication. But now I feel deeply depressed, lonely (even though I live in a sorority with 70 other girls), anxious, irritable, and almost like a zombie. All I ever want to do is sleep and lay and bed, and tonight I had my first full blown panic attack in front of hundreds of strangers... This happened 9 hours ago. It's 6am here and I'm so anxious I haven't even slept. I don't know what to do but I feel like I need to go back on my anti depressants. Will I ever be okay without them? Has anyone had success in treating severe depression without medication?

Like I've had too much happiness within the past day and need to cry. I wanted to talk to someone, but then i feel nervous now and don't want to. I don't want to have to keep explaining my story over and over again to different people.

I had a horrible dream.. I dreamt I couldn't die. I kept shooting myself, but I didn't die. Someone heard after the third shot in the same place, but it didn't kill me. I was bleeding, but I couldn't die. The person who came in took my to a hospital and kept trying to kill myself but I could die.. It was a nightmare.

Of course I have to be the kind of person who knows dreams have a meaning.l

Today has been an ok day.. Only minor problems. I actually fed myself today.. feeling a little better but still not where I want to be. Since hardly anyone talks to me outside of school anymore I have a lot of free time to think. And that's never fun..

I have been lying on my bed, locked in my room crying all day on a Saturday

If you need to talk I'm here and you can explain why

Don't let whatever is wrong get to you. Just try and not think about, watch something on Netflix. Just something to keep you occupied. If you need someone to talk to I can help.

my depression is up and down

I haven't been outside all day.. Thankfully my dog is pee pad trained.. And my child was so cranky with teething I felt like I was losing my mind.. Plus verg of crying all day..

I don't know man. Dying sounds pretty good right now. If the earth could just open up and let me jump into the void, that would be cool.

The best way I can describe it is empty. I feel so completely empty. Like I don't have the strength or energy to keep fighting this. Like I want to give up, but I know I can't. I'm so tired, and just completely empty.

I feel scared and numb. I feel as if I can't do much but just lay here and hope that soon I can get up and do something. I feel as if something bad is going to happen but if it did, I couldn't do anything about it.

I feel like my life is nothing that it wouldn't change if I was gone I'm so hurt I've become numb and broken inside

I feel like that too sometimes but you have to think not just how it would affect you. You have to think how it would affect the people that are around in your everyday life.

Well well...its been almost s full year since that glorious girl ripped me apart. I have no clue why but that memory struck me today out of nowhere. Its so great..*forces a laugh* I love how it makes me feel. My boyfriend knows most of what happened.. And I would really like to talk to him about it....but I can't...

I'm so close to shooting myself. I'm done feeling miserable all the time in this judgemental/cruel world. I don't understand why people find joy in hurting others... I don't understand why people have to be so mean...

They've made me feel like I shouldn't be alive so why not grant them that privilege?

@xXBeccaXx

Feelings change, I'm not feeling so great at the moment and can relate to just wanting to give up. I'm gonna keep going because even though there are people that suck, there are people that care as well. Everyone has an opportunity to impact someone else and you could have the chance to make other people's lives better, even if it's by simply sharing your thoughts. I hope you read this and know that there's someone that cares and someone you've helped just by being here to post this. Thank you ♡

Thank you, for this reply. It means a lot to me.

It's just so hard all the time trying to ignore everything and being the bigger person when you have very little support...

I'm sorry that you're going through stuff at the moment. Nobody deserves this. I hope you feel better soon.

Thank you again.

In thay weird state where you don't know who you are, what you're feeling, or understand anything happening around you.

I am confused and feeling alone. I worry about talking about my thoughts to anyone. People always want answers about why I feel the way I do, why I'm upset and I honestly done have any answers. There's several days that are great, or at least okay and then out of no where I feel miserable, lost, alone, and hopeless. I think it would be best to go to sleep, but my heart is racing as I lay in bed. I don't want to wake up this way tomorrow. I want to know how to fix this, what is wrong that i feel this way again?

honestly i feel the same way as you do. im sick of life to be honest. hang in there though. as i am trying too. you're not the only one struggling we'll all get through this phase some day. okay? :) no pain is forever remember that

Yes I understand alot also!! Hang in there & keep yalking, posting, it seems to help. I know you said it was hard to share your feelings but it really helps

I've had a terrible day. My parents are still assholes to me. the person i really wanna talk to still didnt talk to me today. so i guess im done trying to talk to them. I feel so stuck in life right now. like as if things are never gonna change. like as if im still gonna be hurting. i cry everyday and night for reasons i dont really understand. I think I'm depressed bc im always thinking negative and not really about the positive. just feels like theres nothing positive to think about anymore :/

Hope you know this comes from love, but have you really ever tried a gratitude journal. You can download diary apps now & I use one of mine to write down 5 things daily I'm grateful for & they're no wrong answers. Try to do this for 30 days straight. It seems to help me alot. Hope this might be something that might help you. Hugs

I feel like I am in a nightmare I can't wake up from. I don't enjoy much anymore and I am still deeply in love with my ex after being apart for over a year now. I dream about her nightly. I closed my Facebook account today. I feel like I have a bunch of non existent friends. No one asks me to do things with them and I am tired of trying. I don't want to date and I know if I did it wouldn't be fair to the person I'd be seeing because I still love my ex

Hello new to site not to depression Know enough about it that behaviors of mine are telling me my coping is dwindling and i need a hug and a shake Thank you for being available Today i feel like if i don't get a little help ill go over the rdge and never get back So here I am hoping someone can say something to help me kerp my resolve I am pushing mydrlf NOT to let any more chores go but its a struggle even tho my rational self says yhis is key in getying well part of me os tired of the struggle snd part of me says you cant let them eim

Same as always: like the carrot of happiness only exists so that I can be hit with the stick repeatedly.

I don't know why I keep trying.

This whole weekend I have just been sick in a rut but today is the worst. I have not been able to get myself out of bed for almost 3 hours. I lied to a study group and said I wasn't feeling well enough to work in a project with them. I feel really bad about that but I just can't get up. And to make me feel worse my roommates boyfriend is here this weekend as he is every weekend and I miss my bf and my roommate and hers keep hogging every room. I slept on the couch lady night because of them. And last night all of my friends left me so I was just sitting alone and decided to paint but I didn't like it so I thrwe it out and this morning I took it out of the trash but I still don't like it so I broke it and then I've been lying in bed since then