Depression Community - How do you actually feel today?

Today I am angry. I'm angry at my brain for not functioning properly. I'm angry at myself for exacerbating my pain with terrible coping mechanisms. I'm angry at this country for making it basically impossible to get help. I'm angry at my family for not checking on me when they know things haven't been good for quite some time now. I'm just angry.

The last week has been emotional hell. I'm not sure if I will be able to get myself up and to work tomorrow. I texted my therapist while I was freaking out the most. I haven't heard from her and kinda don't expect to until I see her Saturday. I don't know what I should do.

This whole past week has been a roller coaster.

Okay so let's list off all the mental illnesses I have before I share this story:

-Severe Depression

-Anxiety

-PTSD

-Asperger's Syndrome

-Bipolar Disorder

-ADD

-BPD

---so the story starts here...

I was talking to who I though was my fourth cousin. My mom committed suicide over five years ago and he knew my mom so I ALWAYS talked about her with him. But I noticed every time I talked to him, he would choke up. So I thought...maybe it isn't what he told me...maybe he...loved her. So one night, I asked him...

"Hey Gerard...I keep thinking about this weird question going on in my mind about you actually loving my mother. But you're gay so I don't know why I think this."

He responded by telling me that there's a difference between physical and emotional attraction. Then he admitted some words were exchanged between them...and some other stuff happened. But I knew exactly what he was talking about. I asked if it was before or after my mother married my father. He said "both". Then I laughed. I said, "wouldn't it be crazy if I was actually your biological daughter?" He laughed nervously and got really quiet. Then indirectly...he revealed that he's not my cousin...he's my biological father.

At first I was ELATED because...well being a Way seemed very cool to me. But things quickly turned sour. I came to the realization that he left my mother for his bandmate TWICE, and neglected me shortly after my 7th birthday. And he tricked me to believe that Chris was my biological father, who I should add abused me and is the reason I have PTSD. And all the suffering I had to go through when my mother neglected me too and moved to Virginia from my home state Wisconsin, and also adding her suicide, plus my father never returning for her funeral because he was on tour at the time.

I began to break down. He could have taken me with him after my mother died but he tried to forget about me. I felt like I truly didn't know true family, a thing I craved my whole life. A missing part of me. He shut down and called himself a horrible father and then yelled at me because I was never supposed to know but I "pressured" him into telling me. He told me it has nothing to do with him never coming back but resentment to his fiancé. But it had NOTHING to do with her. Then he stopped talking to me for the rest of the day. The next day, he talked to me again. I was concerned about a situation I was going through at the moment, so I went to vent to him. He got really mad and called me a smart ass. Then he blocked my number and sent this to his fiancé:

"I swear to god I am so done with her! She is the cause of 99% of my stress. Not music, not art. HER. I am about to block her on every social media outlet and change my phone number so she cant contact me anymore. I'm so sick of it! If I die, its either gonna be from stress, an aneurism or however the fuck you spell it, or SUICIDE. Like you said, all she ever talks about it either Amber or me and I have to deal with it because if I tell her, she will flip her god damn shit and make me feel guilty. Then who's the demonized one? I'm beginning to wish I never talked to her again. This is why I left! She was never supposed to know I'm her father! It was only supposed to be good friends at the most. She's so obsessed and overdramatic. You can show her this, copy and paste it to her. But I won't because I don't have the stomach to do so myself."

After reading that paragraph...I cut myself. Relapsed for the first time in over three years. I felt so worthless. Both of my parents wanted nothing to do with me and I felt so alone and crushed. His fiance told him I cut myself and he texted me saying

'You better knock your fucking shit off"

Then my phone died.

Once I turned it back on he said I was ignoring him and that he was going to leave for the night and have me talk to his friend instead.

He gave the phone to her.

At first she tried convincing me to cut contact with him, because of how similar we are we constantly push each other away like magnets. But after all I have done for my father, I couldn't just turn away. Or I would feel ultimate betrayal. So she told me that he only said that stuff because he was angry and he didnt mean it. She said he always loved me and he is leaving $25000 of inheritance money for after his death. But i haven't talked to him since that night. I feel like I am unwanted, all I want is to be with him again and have a relationship we never had, but he lives in California. I miss him so much. I can't get this off of my mind, I can't vent it to him because there will be another emotional outburst. I dont know what to do, I'm scared, confused because there are still SO MANY QUESTIONS left unanswered. Hurt...empty...i am so lost now that I can't even see straight.

Came across this recently and I believe its moral to be true. However, it doesn't help me to overcome my problems. Perhaps that's because it's much easier to give in to despair than it is to fight for hope. Hopefully you guys can win your battles unlike myself... :P

"The Wolves Within"

An old Cherokee chief was teaching his grandson about life...

"A fight is going on inside me," he said to the boy.
"It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves.

"One is evil - he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, self-doubt, and ego.

"The other is good - he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith.

"This same fight is going on inside you - and inside every other person, too."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather,
"Which wolf will win?"

The old chief simply replied,
"The one you feed."

I just got out of the pys ward. I've been really depressed & out of my head for sometime. I feel better but I can't wait till group & share with the ladies. I love our women's group that I attend.

I had a dream last night.. He was there..I was so happy to finally see him..touch him again..I guess in the dream I walked away for a bit.. I come back and he's gone again.. I also got a text from him around 1 this morning... I just feel so confused and broken..he's all I've been able to think about..most of the time. I just sit and listen to the song he sent me a link to a while back..or read through older text messages..makes me feel like he's that much closer.

I miss my baby so much..😖

I had a bad day coz I spent it bed not able to move much. Got my foot plastered up and no energy for anything plus I had the extra benefit of listening to my mum talk an talk an talk an talk an talk an talk an talk till I jus tuned out an she eventually walked off. Ppl with ice addiction can talk non stop about nothing at all and she jus did my head in with talking today. I can't wait to get out of bed but iyss hard to move a lot. So I've had long tiring day in bed :(

This has been a horrible month for me. I tried to stop taking my anti depressants because I didn't want to have to rely on medication. But now I feel deeply depressed, lonely (even though I live in a sorority with 70 other girls), anxious, irritable, and almost like a zombie. All I ever want to do is sleep and lay and bed, and tonight I had my first full blown panic attack in front of hundreds of strangers... This happened 9 hours ago. It's 6am here and I'm so anxious I haven't even slept. I don't know what to do but I feel like I need to go back on my anti depressants. Will I ever be okay without them? Has anyone had success in treating severe depression without medication?

Like I've had too much happiness within the past day and need to cry. I wanted to talk to someone, but then i feel nervous now and don't want to. I don't want to have to keep explaining my story over and over again to different people.

I had a horrible dream.. I dreamt I couldn't die. I kept shooting myself, but I didn't die. Someone heard after the third shot in the same place, but it didn't kill me. I was bleeding, but I couldn't die. The person who came in took my to a hospital and kept trying to kill myself but I could die.. It was a nightmare.

Of course I have to be the kind of person who knows dreams have a meaning.l