Depression Community - How do you actually feel today?

Life is unimpressive. Existing is not worth it.

Today was actually a pretty chill day. I still don't feel all that great, but it was better. I laughed a lot today..I gave a hug to one of my friends I don't usually hug. Ever. All my classes today were pretty chill. Nothing too stressful. But I can already feel myself slipping into a bad mood again...and I've literally no one to talk to about it.

the earlier part of my day was very calm but a recent argument has upset me. i really hate how out of control of my emotions I usually am

Well I have 30,days left at work then I'm redundant,I have mixed feelings on that,I did volunteer,as I have a bad back,so I was very quiet today,but feeling like I could explode anytime,also just recently after 2 years to this month,I got in touch with a girl who I met on Ig,we had a mad time on Kik,sending vids,pics ,talking for hours on Kik,only thing I am married,I didn't tell her,trouble is,I really do have feelings for her,and I hurt her Alot,everyday I thought about her,even looking at pics of her,it's not that I don't love my wife,I know sounds stupid,but the connection was very strong,and it's come back,well for me,she started with the pics again also,very explicit,that's confusing,I didn't ask,she just sent them,so my head is in bits,I'm on verge of breaking down AGAIN,or exploding and lashing out,so that's my mood

I feel like my head is stuck on the topic of not existing and i don't really care

I feel like I have chronic depression or something. I'm constantly feeling sad and worthless but then there are the few days where I feel like amazing and can do anything I feel like doing but that usually is followed by sadness and the realization that all of that is not true. I am 19 years old, I went through a traumatic situation when I was younger that has affected me greatly growing up, although I've gotten past the fact that it happened and I can't change what has been done I have been left with insecurities of being able to defend myself and it's something I've never quite been able to do. I don't feel as though I could stand up for myself or be able to stop something from happening. The situation has also left me afraid of not having anyone there. I remember when I was in elementary-high school I would cry whenever I had to call someone to pick me up if I was sick because I would get this bottomless pit feeling in my stomach and this feeling of whoever I was calling would not be there for me and the tears would just come. Recently I have just felt like I'm slowly losing everything. I've been so stressed out and everything seems to bother me and I just want to disappear. I'm not motivated whatsoever to do anything and I've been really lacking in school and it's affecting how I feel. I don't have the urge to succeed as much as I used to. I have no drive anymore. A few days ago I think I just wanted to give up, so I resorted to drugs. To keep a long story short my body did not react well with the drugs I ingested and I went into a paranoid, lost, confused and state of not even being here, I ended up in the hospital twice, no one knew about this, no one knew why I had done what I did, my parents found out at 1am when I was in the hospital, I almost died. The drug stayed in my system for about 4 days after I would say because I still felt as though I wasn't living until recently I know and feel that what's happening is real. I don't remember that day clearly. I remember being afraid, and not wanting to be alone. I remember seeing my boyfriends face at 1am and not being able to speak. I've been with my boyfriend for a little over a year now and I love him, I really do. I will be honest and say that he was part of the reason I decided to do what I did and at the time of doing it I did not think of the consequences or cared for them. He doesn't know he was a reason. I feel like he's too controlling of who I talk to and what I do, and the constant arguing and shaming had just gotten to be too much and I just gave up everything. Now that he knows what I did I feel like he trusts me less than he already did. The arguing continues, me apologizing for nothing continues, and me being sad continues. I don't know what to do anymore. Please, help.

Just all around sad..I don't feel like being pretty today... Tho at the same time I kinda want to. I've two tests today.. Bank ti back.. One of my special shirts was ripped I'm assuming from either the washer or dryer. Now one of the letters is nearly clean off. *sigh* I had a dream with my ex in it. He scares the living sh*t outta me. In the dream I just casually walked past him...which I'm forced to do almost everyday because we attend the same school. This time he spoke to me (in the dream) with his laughing voice thing he does..he called me a f*ck. Then started grabbing me..I screamed for him to let me go..and eventually got myself free. He's never abused me in a physical way..but I'm always afraid of what he could do. Though I'm a lot stronger. I guess its the fact he bullied me before we started dating and I let my emotions get me into something bad..I..I dunno...

I'm sorry..

Scared. That dream I had really freaked me out. and this morning at school my ex talked to me. he was telling me about this photography contest where his mom works...i was kind of interested...and i plan on entering..but i have to actually contact him in order to get all the details. When he speaks to me..i get really tense, my heart races and i just have to get away from him. like i said in a previous post...he's not stronger than me..he just has me so freaking scared of him that i fear every time i have to be in the same room as him. he sat next to me at lunch one day and i immediately got up and left. I don't enjoy this obviously..i just wanted to go about ym time in high school without having to worry about him constantly bothering me. seems to me that I can't escape him. and i most likely wont be able to until after I graduate. I sent him a text asking about the contest...and i really hope he doesn't think im going to talk to him on a daily basis after this...i just..

I just dont understand life sometimes. I am severely depressed right now to the point of wanting to committed to an institution just to be alone. I told my family that 7c helps me with depression and feeling appreciated and wanted. But i guess I have been doing it quite a bit so now I am getting reprimanded for using it. I am made feel ignored, i guess maybe i might be ignoring them but I know I still do things with them . I dont want to disable or leave 7c but what am i to do. I hate to have my family feel like i am ignoring them and for them to totally ignore me. I am so torn right now. I am totallyy depressed and confused. they leave me alone and do their own thing....

right now I do feel ignored, unwanted, unappreciated, alone. 7c gives me my company and the praise and happiness that I am looking for. what do i do when they do their own thing and I am left watching tv???

I hate this position. i will have to deacticate my accounts :(

Like shit . I'm pretending to be okay when I am far from it. Lots of fake laughs and smiles....