Weekly Prompt #19: What are the triggers or situations that tend to worsen your depressive symptoms?

Situations or events that make my depression more upfront are things that cause a negative flashback, or being in situations that reminds me of fears. As previously mentioned, birthdays for me are one of those situations that reminds me of certain fears in life. Other events, when I think of work, because there was a time where some staff ganged up on me as bullies and got me in trouble, whenever I see the same people acting a certain way, I feel that they are up to something against me again. It would make me feel sad, as I try and figure out what I did wrong and why they are acting that way. I know that one of those people hold grudges, the incident happened a couple of years ago, and yet, that person still acts it out on me on a regular basis. I've put it aside and tried to be polite and well-mannered with that person, but they decided to hold that grudge against me to continue to be rude and sound annoyed whenever we chat on the phone. My efforts of putting the incident behind us is not working, and I've started to act the same way she's acting towards me. (which is when having a conversation on the phone, to not say "thank you" and hang up abruptly). But sometimes, I forget to act that way with her, as it's not the norm for me.

You know how people always say that we should treat another person the same way we want to be treated by them? Well, it's not working with her. Even when I'm being kind and polite, saying my "thank you's", she's not accepting my kindness nor reciprocating it towards me. In the current situation, when we aren't from the same department but is required to work closely together, it is already depressing enough for her to treat me this way, let alone, when there may be a chance where she'd join my team in the near future.. As much as I don't want that to happen, just thinking about the possibilities is depressive enough.

One thing I'm already feeling depressed with is, that this person may join my team, sometime next year. Because we have a staff that is retiring by next summer. So, this person will most likely try and apply to the position. Let's just say, I won't be able to stand working with her. Especially when she friends with everyone else on my team, and how she holds the grudge only against me. I can already imagine that I'll be ganged up on, as the outsider. If she really ends up joining the team, I'm going to need to have a serious conversation with my Manager. I probably need to start looking for another job or something, unless my own business starts to get some income and continues to kick off nicely in the near year. Otherwise, I'll either need to end up working somewhere else or force myself to deal with her. But honestly, sometimes seeing her in the hallway, or the short conversations I have with her on the phone, already makes me feel depressed. And I can't vent my concerns with anyone on my team, because my words can travel back to her, and it'll sound like I'm spreading rumours. (but they aren't rumours, they're the truth).

@ASilentObserver

1. Being contacted by my parents

2. Going through a stressful situation or making a mistake by myself and feeling lonely and angry that I don't have more support

3. Being alone on the weekends or over a break

4. Christmas and New year's

@ASilentObserver

Usually it is anything that has to do with administration, financial decisions and the likes. This was so simple when I was young, owned nothing, had no insurance, no car.... and only ONE bank account. There is a fable by Jean de la Fontaine about a shoemaker and a banker living side by side, and just one of the two was happy. 

When someone compares me to my twin sister in a harsh way. Yes, twins are obviously unique and different people, but as a twin, people automatically compare you,whether it’s on purpose or not. (I tend to feel like twin girls and twin boys get compared more than when it’s a boy and a girl, and me and my sister are both girls) Sometimes it’s good, like “hey your sister has straight hair and you have wavy hair, and they’re both really cute. They fit you so well.” That’s okay.

Here’s the thing: my sister is literally a genius. We’re both sophomores, but she’s in all advanced classes, and she has been since the 6th grade. She’s also a very good painter and drawer. She makes people stuff and they adore her. They ask what I’m good at, and I don’t have much other than singing, which I could never do in front of people. When I say nothing much when they ask, they turn right back to her. Most people forget I’m there, and it hurts. I made a cute homemade card that yeah kinda looks sloppy because I’m bad at handwriting and drawing, but it looks good like I put in effort, because I did. But it’s not as good as Sylvia’s gifts or drawings, so without even realizing it, people throw me to the side.

In school, I’m very chatty and talkative, and loud. That’s the way I am, that’s my natural personality. It has its goods and bads. My sister is very quiet. She’s the smart, silent girl who everyone loves. I’m told at school all the time “The other one is better than you” or “I would never mistake you for your sister, because you never shut up” or “this is why no one likes you and everyone likes your sister better” that definitely hurts. It’s been like that since, well, forever actually. School has always been hard for me in that way.

at home, I’m mostly silent. I sit on my phone or find something to do without bothering anyone while my sister and my mom talk about stuff and cook, or my sister and my dad build stuff or make small talk. I am no good at that. In fact, I’m bad at talking. Stuff comes out wrong sometimes, and my parents seem so hurt by me, so I’m mostly quiet, hidden away. No one ever notices me anyways, since my sister is as talkative as I am at school. I’d much rather be hurt by a bunch of stupid high school kids that I won’t be seeing in two years than by my parents who will forever be with me my entire life.

in general, I was born with a lot of mental health problems, and devolved some over time. My sister doesn’t have one mental health issue other than bad anxiety, which she copes well with since my mom listens to her talk. My mom told me she doesn’t want to hear anything about my feelings. She’s done, since I have too many problems. My parents always assume the worst of me, sometimes not even on purpose. It’s not their fault. I have to take a lot of medication for my mental illnesses, and I’ve been to the doctor so many times in the past few years. I feel sad, because I feel like such a disappointment, especially when my parents point out my flaws and repeat over and over again that I need to stop. Yeah, tell me something I don’t know. I’m working on stuff every day. It makes me so depressed and hopeless even more.

now being 16 years old, it’s just going to get worse. And I’ll always be depressed whenever it comes up. It hurts my heart, I literally get physical chest pain. I know I’m not perfect, I’m unique, I’m talented. But comparisons are the worst thing in the world, so whoever is reading this please note that correcting twins can really hurt, even if it wasn’t meant to be mean🥲

-Lucy

This will be a long list 🙈😅🤦‍♀️ Okay.

1. Anyone talking about or mentioning suicide.

2. Summer and July when the suicide of my favorite singer happened 6 years ago. He helped me to get through the worst times, literally saved my life and sanity, he has been with me for almost 24 years and now he's gone.

3. The train track where I planned to do it in the very distant past.

4. Being very stressed and/or extremely tired and alone.

5. Physical pain. I have chronic back pain and often also heart pain. When it gets really strong I might feel on the edge or fall right back into the depression state. Painkillers use to help with it.

6. Having any argument with my husband. That makes me feel like I have lost all support. We do not argue much fortunately so it does not happen so often 🤞🙏

7. Sexual violence and sexual abuse in TV. Netflix is very "good" at that 🙈

8. Watching old memories and listening to emotional music.

9. Thinking about everything in my past.

10. Meds with a risk for people with depressions and/or suicidal thoughts (my heart meds unfortunately, my contraception too 😑). They have an extreme effect on me when taken regularly. Extreme meaning on the edge of suicide even despite things are currently going well in my life. I am not taking them currently and I am waiting for the date of my next consultation at my doctor in February. I think I will be able to talk about it. I hope 🤞

11. Not being able to change how things work at my university, having too much work as opposed to people in other departments. The stress of getting burned out again.

Yes. When any of my conditions flare up badly enough to cancel whatever tasks I had planned for the day--for two+ days in a row.

Whenever I dwell on missed opportunities in my life or "shoulda, coulda, woulda" (I try not to think about that too often).

Whenever I am reminded of my own mortality, which happens a lot. I might just be morbid.

Triggers:

1. Pain kf worsened or uncontrolled pain, I already experience chronic pain.

2. Death,, especially of a loved one like this week when I lost my dear Aunt. Things snowballed to when I lost my Mom and other significant death.

i dont know what else. Kinda stuck after the death one. Dont kmow how I will go on without her.

Having to do a lot of chores at once. It's crazy how a messy enviroment triggers me but I can't keep my enviroment clean BECAUSE I am depressed it's a vicious cycle

@ASilentObserver

Hi, ASO,

My health worsens my depressions.  If I'm feeling poorly, it is a strain on my mind.