journal entries with miles

@waddmiles

Will said!!

@waddmiles Hello there wadd! Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts with us. I hope writing this post helped you out, and do feel free to keep us updated on how you are doing. Relapse can definitely be unpredictable especially under dire circumstances. Embracing one's mistakes is essential for recovery.

Best wishes, and have a lovely week ahead. :)

Im going to try to write here everyday

baseline-14 hours between using

current streak- 24 hours

quote of the day- "the glass is half full if you just put some in, half empty if you just poured some out, and just a glass if you dont know the answer to the first two." (dont tip your glass)

Neg-

They hired some new guys at work and I dont like them. They follow me around to see how to do my job and talk to me way too much and ask way too personal questions. I get the feeling feeling that my boss is trying to replace me with them but that might just be my paranoia talking. I found out theyre paying the new guys more than me which makes me a little mad. My computer updated today which striggers my schitzophrenia so I had a mild panic attack. Ive had change my class schedule 2 times this semester which is really throwing me off. this whole week was a mess. I had college level agebra and when I went to class they were reviewing quadratics which I've never done and it was suppose to be a review so I totally knew I was in a too difficult class. Im out of schitzophrenia meds which is really messing with my brain. I feel like theres little version of me thats deep down inside of me. And he wants to scream for help but my meds keep him quiet. idk if its ok to use meds to keep it quiet.

Pos-

Im taking two really hard biology classes which I love.

I have some good music to listen to.

I bought a security system for my house which I think will help my paranoia.

I made a too do list on a whiteboard that I hung on my wall.

idk why i do this to myself. 0-0

quote of the day- "dont let me be so vane to think that im the sole author of my success or the victim of my defeats"

i continue to lie to myself about my addiction. i lie about how bad it is. i lie about when i should get sober. i say lies like "one more hit is all" i say things like "lots of people use drugs its ok". i hate myself. i hate the lies that i tell myself. i hate everything.

@waddmiles

I am so sorry to hear that Miles. But I totally understand where you're coming from. Being an attic is a hard thing we hide everything and lied to each other and ourselves. But you coming on here and explaining things and talking is a big step in the right direction. We're here to support you. No judgement here. I am also an addict and I understand that hitting everything in a lying. But I do believe one day it will get better somehow someway. One second at a time one moment at a time one day at a time. That how I get these days but I'm here for you if you ever need anything. We are the hardest on ourselves. I tell people pretend you're telling your story to your best friend would you give them a hug after the story is over. Most likely yes so remember that give yourself a hug you're doing the best you can with what you got ❤️❤️Sending you hugs you're not alone.❤️🙏❤️

Good stuff. Keep up the good work. If nobody said I’m proud of you today then I’m proud of you

Let me warm up a bit its bebebeen a while :P

"Let me " by miles

-let me walk

-let me walk with confidence in my failures

-let my failures guide my future choices but do not let them hinder my ability to progress

-do not let me be fixated on failure, instead let me know that failure is needed for progress

-let me walk forward

-let me walk forward knowing that those around me may need my support.

-let me walk forward knowing that those around me may not be there to support me

-let me see those that support me and thank them

-let me let them know that they are important to me

-let me walk forward knowing that god puts pain on my shoulders that others could not carry

let me see the doors of life slammed in my face as long as a get a peak through them before they do

let me sprint

let me sprint to my destination not because i must but because i can

let me sprint to get ahead of my peers not to hurt them but to guide them

let me sprint forwards not getting stuck on those that have left me

let me not blame them for my loss but thank them for their contrabution to my life

let me see the pain in others and

let me know the things to say to help them through their pain

let me march forward

let me march forward when i need a rest from sprinting for sprinting will wear you out.

do not let me sit when i need rest but let me march steadily

let me cry when needed for all humans must cry

let me see the work others have done for their lives and let me respect them

for they are those that will pull me towards my goals

let me earn the respect i crave by giving the same respect to others

let me crawl forward

let me crawl when those unsupporting people around me have kicked me down

do not let me stop let me crawl.

let me crawl when pain has consumed me for even little progress is better than none

let me dissapoint people when i am crawling and

let me hope that those dissapointed in me wont leave

let me not forget those that have walked in other direction and

dont let me judge them for their choices to do so

let me feel humility when needed, when ive hurt others around me and embaressed myself

let me think of those that are gone and left me and let me respect them for their choices to do so

do not let me dealve into the what ifs, what i could have said to those that are gone

let me step out of the shadows of those that walk in front of me but

do not let me forget what pain they went through to get there

do not let me forget the shoulders of giants that i stand on

for they are those that have pushed me towards my goals and crawl

let me turn around and thank those behind me not forgetting them when i succede

do not let me pack my bags when those need my at home

do not let me quit when the odds are against me

let me lose all my winnings on one bet and not speak one word about my loss

let me take rrisks that could continue my path and

let me regroup when my risks fail me

let me find those that support me and take their support when i need it

let me stand

let me stand before those that hurt me and show them that their actions are not my fault

let me stand before my doctors and let me bow to their work to save my life

let me stand before my family and thank them for letting me be with them

let me stand before my friends and remember them when i need support

let me stand before my enemies and only hope good things for them

let me shake hands

let me shake hands with those that support me

let me shake hands with those i support

let me shake hands with those that have hurt me

and let me shake hands with those that i do not even know

let me have love

let me love those that step into the light of my life

let me love them even when they hurt that light

let me love them when they take my light for themselves

and let me love them when they leave darkness when they leave

let me hate

let me hate not to bring bad onto others but let me hate to avoid future pain

let me hate to avoid those wrong choices that i make

let me hate the actions i take that hurt others

let me hate the choices i make that hurt my family

let me hate the choices i make that hurt the ones i love

let me hate myelf i use

and let me hate when I am the bad guy.

let me forgive myself

let me forgive myself when i have done wrong but do not let me forget them

let me forgive myself and the doors that have clossed due to my actions

let me forgive others

let me forgive those that disapoint me

let me forgive those that have forced me to distance them from my life

let me forgive those that have hurt me

let me forgive those that feed off of my energy and judge me when i succeed

let me know

let me know those that feed off my energy simply need a pick me up

let me know when to compiment people

let me know when i need to help those around me

and let me know when i need to leave people behind when they continue to hurt me. not to be forgotten but to be remembered for they show when to move on

let me know when those around me are in pain and need me to take weight off their shoulders

let me know when others must not be helped but must need tough love

let me know when those around me are lying to me when they tell me they love me

let me know when to forgive them for lying

let me rest

let me rest in the upright position

let me rest and ponder the actions that have brought me to rest

let me rest when needed but not so long that i get use to the rest

let me rest when my world collapses and let me pick up the pieces again.

let me listen

let me listen for the signs that show me when to stop and pray

let me listen to the words of others and not think about what to say next

let me listen to others when they need

let me listen to my music when others speak only words of hate

but let me listen to words of yelling when those words were caused by my failures

let me not listen to words of yelling when those are angry that I am succedding

let me not listen to words of encouragment when those encouraging want me to walk their path and not my own

let me not listen to the demons in my soul tell me where i must walk to see easy pleasure

let me speak

let me speak harsh words to those that have hurt me, not to hurt them but to help them see that they are hurting others

let me speak harsh words to those that judge me, not to judge them, but to let them see that they should judge not.

let me speak harsh words to those that hurt others. not to hurt them. but to show them that they must help others

let me think before i speak harsh words. let me form my harsh words with tough love in mind.

let me speak my peace when others have wronged me. and let me hope they will listen to the pain in my harsh words.

let me speak my thoughts when i love someone. let me let them see inside my head

let me speak my thoughts when i love someone. let me let them know me in ways that others dont

let me speak my thoughts when i love someone let me let them see sides of my that none others know

let me bite my tongue

let me bite my tongue when i know others will always hurt me

let me bite by tongue when someone is hurting me and i know that they only hurt me to help themselves feel better

let me bite my tongue when i know someone wont listen to my pain

let me bite my tongue when someone yells at me for good reason

let me bite my tongue when my bad choices catch up to me

let me bite my tongue when someone does better than me and a demon inside me wants me to hurt them

let me work

let me work when others around me are asleep, not because i think that i am better than them but because i like the silence

let me work the clackity clack of my keyboard as i type to get my thoughts onto paper

let me work when other paths are easier and let me know that hard work may not pay off

let me work harder when easier paths will get me to the same place because let me desire the hard work that calms my soul

let me work to support those that i love not because i must but because i can.

let me play

let me play so that i do not become addicted to the work

let me play so that i do not become addicted to the the feeling of accomplishment

let me play in the mud so that i do not become addicted to cleanliness

let me play with those i love and not waste the moment i have with them

let me play with the idea of failure when failure threatens me

let me play with the idea of giving up not so much that i do but just enough so that i dont

let me play with those that work harder than me so that i may learn from their progress

do not let me be so vain

do not let me be so vain to think that i am better than anyone

do not let me be so vain to think that i achieve on my own

do not let me be so vain to think that others owe me things

do not let me be so vain to think that my actions must be met with actions from others

do no let me be so vain to think that giving up is my choice

let me know that others need me

let me understand

let me think about the gifts that others give me

let me think about how those gifts lift me up

do not let me confused rest with giving up

do not let me let others decide when i work

let me work for myself but support others as my choice

let me work with my hands intell they are rough and raw

let me have peace knowing that those that i support have hands that are soft and calm

let me shake with fear when death takes people i love from me

let me pound my fists with anger when the world steals my happiness from me

let me be angry with the world but not with others

let me be angry for a limited time and see the peace when the anger subsides

let my anger with death bring those that remain together

do not let that loss break us apart

do not let those that are lost be forgottten

let them be remembered even if they were passive in my life

let me charish relationships even if they are one sided

let me support relationships when they are one sided and not judge those that do not love me back

let me wish good things onto those that are better at life than i am

and let me know that they have hidden pain that i cannot see

let me listen to their pain when they accidently speak it

but to not let me repeat their secret pain to anyone else for it is not my business

let me do not offer support to them if they do not ask for

but let me know when the moment is right to offer help when they do ask for it

let me know when those that are hurt are ready to get better

and let me be there for them when they arent ready to get better

let me respect those that do not want my help

let me understand those that i cannot help

and let me undestand that it is not that i cannot help but that i am not the right kind of person to help

let me not blame myself for that

let me change topic of my paragraphs when i want

let me collect things for happiness but do not let me weep when i lose my collections

do not let me be stuck on those things that are lost instead

let me march forward when i have nothing to my name

let me build my life not as a goal to have a life but to to have a foundation to help others

let me live this life with the meaning that i give it

and let me keep that meaning a secret but hint at it when people ask

let me tease them with knowledge of my meaning intell it is almost obvious what that meaning is

but let me be sly knowing that i do not give others the full pleasure of knowing my meaning for life

let me help others find meaning for life when they do not believe in exists

let me help them see the light at the end of the tunnel

and if they do not see it,

let me chip away at that tunnel intell it stands no more

let me do the hard work of destroying that tunnel

so that they do not have to muster the energy to walk out of that tunnel

let me go to those that i have hurt and apologise to them for my actions

and let me correct my actions weither they forgive me or not

let me not rank my failures from biggest to smallest

let me rank them randomly knowing that a failure is a failure is a failure

let me work on the things that hold me back

but do not let me push those problems to the side for others to deal with

let me know that i cannot be perfect

let me know that if i try to be perfect i will only hurt others to get there

let me see the way things change around me

let my path be changed by things when needed

but let me guide my path only enough to end up successful and not neccesarily where i want to end up

let me find peace in the steps of my path knowing that the end of my path is death and that death is not something to look forward to

let me understand that the legnth of my path is not my choice and thus my path must be savored like the flavor of good food

let me be thankful when those around me provide for me and

do not let me resort to anger when those around me do not provide for me

let me not resort to anger when sadness is the right emotion to feel

let me cry when needed instead of being angry with those around me

let me disapointed when needed but do not let me show that disppointment to those that i am disapointed in

let me write when i am angry

do not let me write about the things that hurt me but

let me write the thingst that can make me feel better

let me rant to those that i trust and not to those that i cannot

let me forgive those that give up my secrets and

let me realise that those that hurt me do not think of their actions

let me have faith that those that hurt others will one day regret their choices even if it is to late to right their wrongs

let me not let others ruin my day when i try to lift up theirs

let me undestand that everyone is going through pain and that some people can only deal with pain by treating others with pain

let me type for hours about things that matter to me when I cannot gather my thoughts

let me type for seconds when i have seconds to spare

let me hear words of wisdom from those that are bigger than me

and let me know when it comes time for me to speak words of wisdom to those that are bellow me

let me fail over and over again when i cannot add anything else to my plate but

when my plate is full let me get another

let me carry others plates when they cannot

and let me tape back together plates that others have dropped

let me ask if others are ok when they are ok

because if i do not ask them then i do not ask those that are not ok

let me see the signs of abuse of others

and let me give them escape plans when they need them

let me watch the failures of others and be ready to support them if they need

let me watch the failure of my loved one not stepping in intell they cant get up

let me let others suffer when they need to learn from their actions

let me let others give me that tough love as well

let me not hate those that let me feal the pain of my bad choices for giving me tough love

let me not hate those that leave me to pursue their own paths

let me not hate those that hate the shape of my path

let me know that my path is only my responsibility

let me use my comping mechanisms when needed

but to not let me use them after i have exhausted them

let me exhaust all resources to me when i want to give up

and let me give me atleast a day when they are before i do give up

let me understand when others censor my pain

let me understand that some are too weak to help me

and let me understand that there is no shame in that

let me understand that everyone has value

and let me not redicule others when they challenge that fact

let me understand that fortune favors the bold

let me understand that being bold means taking risks

and let me understand that taking risks means risking failure

let me understand that failure means risking disapointing other aound me

and let me understand that disapointing those around me means they may give up on me

let me understand that them giving up on medoes not mean that i must give up on myself

let me collect my winnings when i derserve them

and do not let me feel guilty for doing so

let me not be so vain to hoard my winnings but let me be generous enough to share them with others

do not let me spoil those around me with my winnings

only let me give them enough for them to find their own winnings

do not let me give others my winnings to get them to love me

let me let others love me for who i am not what i have

let me see the end of one path and let me jump to the next

do not let me dwell on paths left behind

but when i am dwelling on paths left behind let me question if they are still open to me

let me find pleasure when my path joins with those that are interesting

let me help those paths as they help mine

let me take the things that i need in life and leave those things that i do not need

let me take the things that i want in life as long as it does not take from others

when i can let me give things from my life to others and lift them up when they have nothing

let me not hope for others to do the same for me because hoping others will help you is only asking for disapointment

do not let me push away help when it is offered because i think i may hurt those that are helping me

let me let other chose to help me and do not argue with their choice to help me when they chose to help me

let me face the pain with a grin of confidence

let me know that i can beat pain to a pulp when needed

if life is a fighter do not let me stand and take the punches

if life is a fighter let me ask them to talk things out

and if life choices to fight anyway let me beat life

if life shows me pain worse than the worst pain ive ever felt before

let me be humbled by the pain and be ready for even worse

let me remember the worst pain ive ever felt and let it fuel my energy to get over the smaller stones in the river that is my life

let me remember the worst day of my life and not hope that it is the worst forever. because if i hope that worse wont come it surely will.

let me be ready for even worse days to come. let me facinated by the random pattern in which they do

do not let me become fixated on the possiblity that those around me cause my worst days

let me understand that pain doesnt come from people but from bad luck

let me understand that pain is not a hinderense but a motivator to become stronger to prepare for even more pain

let me be ready for the same worse day to come and let me be hurt when a even worser day comes

let me bold with my choices even if the doors i want to go through are really really tall up on a cliff to climb

let me recognise the impossible goals to reach and let me try even if failure is almost certain

let me fail at certain things when my plate is full

and let me be happy that i succeded in some and not sad that i didnt succeed in everything

let me be happy and content at the end of the day even if im faking it for those that i love

do not let me take out my pain on others nay dont even let me show it if i know they do not have the energy to help me with it

do not let me hurt others with my burdens if i know my own comping mechanisms are enough

let me know when it is right to ask for help but let me know when it is not

let me know when it is right to take on more onto my plate

but let me know when it is time to pause the actions i go through and take a break

let me know when those around me are seeing my flaws and noticing my struggles even if i did not want them to see

let me work to fix my flaws and struggles without burdening those that are in too much pain to help me

let me be careful with my words when speaking, not to let others know too much and give them the chance to hurt me

let me give others the chance to hurt me when i truely love them and let me hope that they dont choose to hurt me

and let me not blame them if they do hurt me

let me preach my soul when needed but let me stay silent when i know others do not want to listen

let me not focus on loving myself when others need love more than i do

but let me love myself first when others do not need my love more than i do

let me love those that support me but do not let me hate those that choose not to support me

let me enjoy the silence when i can get it but

let me stay calm in the sound of chaos when it comes

let me be the one that supports others in time of chaos

and let me cling onto others when i am not strong enough

let me drown for a second before saving me to teach me when to wear a life jacket

and let me feel the pain of the cold water if it means i get to swim

let me feel the sand between my feet even if i have to feel it alone sometimes

and let me enjoy the breeze in my hair even if the breeze is a sign of the storm to come

let me that give up not as pathetic but as something that i could one day be

and do not let me redicule those that rest if they have supported me in the past

do not let me ever think that i have repaid the support that others have given me

and do not ever let me think that others owe me support for the support i give them

do not let me expect things of overs if they do not expect things from me

and let me not make goals that are met but let me make expectations of myself that are kept

and when i do not meet my own expectations do not let me punish myself but let me realise that my expectations were simply too large

let me not expect too much of others but let me let others know that i need them.

let me hold onto others tightly if they try to leave

but let me find peace when i must face the fact that i must let go of them

let me leave others when i need to and let me feel the pain of guilt for hurting them by leaving

let me leave others that disapoint me before i resort to judgment of them

let me leave those that hurt me before i hurt them back

let me leave those that judge me if their judgments are not valid

but if their judgments are valid let me listen patiently and let me tell them i will do better and let me promise myself that i will do better just the same

let me promise myself that i will get rid of my bad habits even if it may take years

do not let me promise myself that i will do the impossible because that will only lead to self disapointment

let me cry when writing out my struggles and honesty even if it may be the first time ive cried honestly not from pain but from humility

let me cry when i lose those that i love but also let me find peace later and teach others to do the same

let me teach those the pain ive been through not for simpathy but for understanding and sharing of coping mechanism and to let them know that i am an ear if they want to talk

let me teach those the pain ive been through so that they are not afraid to hurt me in the future

let my skin grow tough and hard but let my soul stay soft and kind

let insults wash of my back in the shower but do not hinder me from learning from others anger and rudeness

let my biggest failure be the first thing on my record to show others that i can overcome

do not let my biggest success be the first thing on my record for i dont want other to remember me at my best but at my worst

let my worst be my representation so that i can remember never to do even worse that what i already have

let me remember the worst that has been done to me so that i may avoid worse in the future

let me see the worst in others not to judge them but to protect myself form harm

but do not let me throw away possible love relationships based on the possibility of pain

let me speak words of wisdom to others when i cant speak them to myself

let me lift up other when i need a lift even more than they do

let me hurt myself to help others when it is necessary

but do not let me help those that do not deserve it for helping those that do no reserve help is pointless because they will not accept help

let me realise that it is not my responsability to help stranger and that any amount of help i give to strangers is a posotive even if they do not accept it

let me repeat myself when needed, when others need to respect my words, but do not let me cry if they do not listen for it is their loss

let me whisper to those i love in the dark secrets that only they get to know

do not let me resort to anger if they do not do the same for me

let me let others keep their secrets as long as possible because once secrets are out they cannot be taken back

let me charish the awkward moments between me and my lover because once awkawrd moments become routine they cannot become awkward again

let me hold someone that i love not in a way that is for my pleasure but for theirs

let me focus on those that i love let me focus on making them happy and content but do not let me work to make happiness and contentism come to those that do not love me back

let me undestand that someone loving me can be simple as not hurting me and do not let me assume someone loving me back comes with responsibilities to help me

let me focus on the words that others speak to me but also focus on the intent of the words as they speak if their words intent is negetive and insulting or hurtful let me think of peaceful things as they talk and when they are dont talking let me let them feel heard even if they aim to hurt me but let me forget every word they said

let me laugh in the face of my enemies and let me find their insults funny

let me find the energy that others put to bring me down comical

let me ramble my thoughts when needed in poems about life and lessons

and let me break the fourth wall of my poem when i need a break from thinking

let me continue

let me continue intell my thoughts of negetivity are gone and i realise that my love ones make choices that may hurt me

and let me realise that those choices that hurt me are not choices to hurt me, just choices that happen to hurt me, let me find the diffrence between the two

let me gather up those that i love and take a mental picture

let me charish how the group of people i love change and realise that some day no one will be a original person that i love and when that day comes it will be the worst day of my life

let me fear that day and let me not think about it please

let me not think about the paths in life that have been cut off from me

let me not think about the people that have hurt me the worst and have tried to ruin my path

let me not tempt to hurt those that have hurt my path istead let me cherish those that have paved my path let me share my earnings with them

let me cherish when those i love are around even if i prefered to be alone in that moment

let me cherish my accomplishments even if some may think that they are useless and nothing

let me split my resources to help many istead of using all my resources to help a single person

let me not get to focused one someone who will not help themselves let me realise that if someone will not accept help, then helping then is useless

let me speak fast when i need to but let me calm down when i am done

let me breath slowely to save my breaths when the time comes that i need to panic

let me be in pain so that i can savor the moments when i am not

let me not give out my good secrets to those that do not deserve to know them let me give my good secrets to those that will cherish the feeling of knowing them

let me not give out my bad secrets to those that will judge me for them instead let me give my bad secrets to those that will understand what i was going through when they occured

let me not let others judge me if they do not fully know me. isntead let me say silent as they judge me. let me let them feel heard. and let me let them think i care what they are saying. do not let me argue with them instead let me simply walk away

let me turn around and back track on my path when needed. seeing the mistakes ive made and the accomplishents ive achieved.

let me cherish the things that ive accomplished and do not let me get too focused on the path ahead

let me partake in simple pleasures to increase the capactity to feel calm in my soul but do not let me take part in simple pleasures to fill a hole causded by pain and suffering

do not let me speed run away my days of work instead let me cherish the changes i make to improve myself

do not let me leave behind those that have fallen instead let me wait for them to stab my hands as i try to pick them up

let me wait for others to prove me wrong when i expect good things but do not let me expect them to prove me wrong when i expect good things

let me find disapointment if they stab my hands when i try to pick them up

and do not let me drop them if they do isntead let me calmly set them back down and way onwards without them knowing that i tried

do not ever let me be angry for not doing more i am not resposible for doing too little because any help is enough help

let me see crazy ideas as oppertunities of show others that craziness is a goal to work towards because craziness means bigger earnings

let me not feel shame in losing control of my life isntead let me understand that rock bottom can be comforting and that rock bottom means that you can only improve

let me lose everything at once so that i may build again and find peace in having nothing at one point

let me hit rock bottom again and again and do not let me think that rock bottom erases me past accomplishments

let me find bordem when it comes to me and let me shake it off like a wet dog

let me laugh in the face of those that doubt me and let me not tell them off let me let them have their doubts proving them wrong in the future is enough and if i dont prove them wrong let me respect them for being right but do not let me think that predicted my failure isntead let me realise that they predicted chaos in other words the unpredictable

let me see the best day of my life and let me work to make it the second best day of my life

let me stay in the shadows of those that are better than me when it is needed so that they may also accept praise for their accomplishments

when i live in the shadow of people in front of me let me understand that it is an honor and let me understand that i will one day cast a bigger shadow on those that are behind me and thus it is not the fault of those infront of me for casting their shadows onto me

let me think of the person who has hurt me the most and let me recognise that they also happen to be the person i hate the most. let me break that connection

let me hope good things for those i hate and let my hate disolve with that hope

let me hope that good things come to those i hate and let me hope that those good things are not used to hurt me more

let me respect others belief even if they contradict mine and let me recognise that it is not not job to push my beliefs onto others and let me recognise that it is not my job to change others beliefs

let me educate those taht are negetive respectfully and let me seperate beliefs from personality

do not let me let my beliefs shape my personality intstead let me recognise that my personality is its own entity

let me understand that i can be the personality that i want to be even if it is hard to change into one that i like

let me understand that while change is always possible does not mean that it is always nessasery.

ler me understand that my path still has meaing and if it was time for it to end it already would have

let me see the parts of my path where it becomes thin and almost disapears. when i am weak and come close to losing everything. when i am in pain and struggling and no one care. when i was ready to give up. let me see that in that single moment it was not myself that repaved my path but a group of other. let me be eternally greatful to that group of people

do not let me be so vane to always march foward but remind me to take stops and turn around and shake hands that lifted me up

do not let me be so caught up with those that supported me in the past that i forget about those that support me in the present

do not let me be so vane to think that the people i support are not supporting others

let me be greatful for the web of support that i create by supporting a single person

let me see when it is apropriate to punish those that i have the responsibility over so that they may learn from their mistakes but let me leave punishment as the last means of teaching instead let me teach others how their actions effect people and how their web of negetivity can grow

when i am in pain let me cherish it in a way. when i hit the ground let me taste the dirt. when i get punched let me feel the pain. not to punish me but so that when i see others go through the same pain i can simpathise with them to the full extent

let me hurt myself when i have messed up let me feel the guilt of hurting others so that i can avoid hurting others in the future

never let me think that i am better than others in my life istead let me realise that i just dont know enough about them to apreciate them yet.

let me hurt myself to help others but only when they truely deserve it

let me attempt to balance my support so that those that need it most get it the most

let me help those that need help and never let me reveal to them that i may not like helping them

let me realise that not liking helping someone doesnt make me a bad person

let me realise that my thoughts can be choas that can steer myself from my own path and when that happens, my greatest ally has become my biggest enemy

let me take all my resources and bet them on my path even if it means that my path might dissolve

if my path dissolves let me drift aimlessly for a while and when the time comes if no one is there to help me, let me build another path on my own.

if i do not have the stregnth to build my own path let me ride the path of others intell i can find the ideas that build my own but do not let my riding of others path hurt them stead only let me watch from a distance silently and respectfully

let me respect those that have worked to get where they are even if society doesnt see their work as valid. let me try to make them feel earned and full of riches

let me try to extraordinary in the sense that i will do great things. but do not let me come vain and self loaved. do not let me see myself as better than others instead let me feel respectfully accomplished not for others but for myself.
when i see myself as accomplished do not let it be a marker for the end of my path only a part to remember. let me remember that i can always do more for myself and others

let me do work to help others even if they do not deserve it

do not let me overwork msyelf to the point of failure just let me overwork myself enough that a night of sleep barely gets me ready for the next day

let me sleep peacefull without thoughts of the pain that i have caused others by trying to help those that did not want help

let me forgive myself for not understanding their needs

let me write my thoughts intell my fingers cramp and figurtively bleed so that i can read my own thoughts and rememeber the person i want to be

let me seperate the person i want to be from the person who i am

let me proud of who i am and excited to be the person who i want to be

let me say good things to those that dont need it so that i may say good things to those that do. and let me remember that sometimes you cant tell the diffrence between the two

let me take the risk of trying to help someone over and over again even if they reject my help over and over again

let me work with my hands so that i can respect the days that i work with my brain

let me work as hard as a i can so that i can respect the future days when this hard work pays off

let me not forget my respect for others when the days come where i do not have to work as hard as i do now

let me continuly respect my past self and the sacrafices he has made for me

let me share my secrets with my new loves ones in the hope that they accept me and let me not be sad if they dont

let me share my worst moments with those that i love even if i do just to see if they will leave

let me find peace if they dont leave

let me find peace if they do

let me understand that even if i work my hardest i can still fail and thus failure is not my fault

let me see failure not as a setback but just a turn in my path

never ever let me harm my path in a way that makes it harder for those walking behind me to get to stand where i stand now

when i reach the top of my mountain let me throw down ropes to make it easier for other to climb and let me hopet that those that climb those ropes will carve stairs in the mountain for those behind them to walk on

let me have faith that they will

let me recognise those that hurt me and do not let me think that they know that they are

let me accept those that come back into my life after being gone and let me realise that sometimes people have to leave

let me get rid of old habits that use to bring me joy if they do not anymore. do not let me run on autopilot for autopilot is boring

if i one day meet my idols let me not be suprised if they judge me for they are only suprise that i overpased their accomplishments

do not let me see today as mean and horrible let me understand that today is just jealous that it isnt tommorow

do not let me hate myself when i cannot support my family instead let me hope that they will sacrafice to take my self hatred away and let me work harder tommorow to support them later

do not let me feel horrible for not being physically there for the ones i love instead know that i must work elsewhere to support them and do not let me hate that they may not understand that let me wait patiently for the day when they do understand that and let me stay silent if that day never comes

let me not be angry if those i love cannot understand all the pain i go through instead let me focus my pain on helping other

let me happy when the moments for happiness come and let me cry with humility when the sad moments come. let me feel angry but do not let me show it when frustrating moments come. and let me feel lonely when i find that i am alone but also let me feel present in the moment when i find that i am sarounded by my loved ones.

let me find the pain in distance from my loved ones and let it fuel our love for one another when we are back together.

let me take breaks from those that i love when i find that i am angry at them. not to punish them but to collect my thoughts. and i if i return to them and find anger once more, let me realise that it just means i need a longer break

let me apologise when fights arise that are not my fault even if my opinions are valid and the other persons are not. let me keep my self respect while being the bigger person

let me stand up for those that are important to me even if it means that we are both wrong.

let me notice when arguments are silly and pointless and give me the stregnth to walk away

let me manage the space in my head wisely.

let me fight the call of the void when it whispers horrible things to me

let me realise that my thoughts become my actions and my actions become my personality

do not let me compare myself to others who have done worse than me in order to boost my ego, stead let me feed my ego by comparing my accoplishments to those that are accomplished. let me cherish in what ways i am similar to my roll models

let me take care of myself so that my loved ones will want to take care of themselves too.

if i do not have any roll models. let me be a roll model for others

let me not judge my roll models when their bad sides are shown to me instead let me realise that everyone has something to be ashamed of

let me listen to the words that i hate most, and let me have faith that if they had no meaning then they wouldnt be said and that the words i hate most means im probably wrong

let me welcome the light for it shows me the way

but let me welcome the darkness for it shows me the stars

let me welcome happiness for it feeds my heart

but let me welcome sadness for it opens my soul

let me laugh through the tears when faced with the worst

and let me cry through the laughter when faced with best knowing that it will soon be in the past

let me know when to have good times and when to have bad

let me know when to have moments of clarity and moments of chaos

let me know when my life is right and when i need a change

and let me know when others need support or when im the one needing the stregnth

let me hear the pain of the big picture

but let me find peace in the day to day

let me write intell my head is empty

and i can lay my head to pray

but let me hold it all in

when its not the day to say

let me show you my pain for it shows us the way to happier days

do not let me think of the worst possiblities of life because i will always see worse

let me be able to talk in crowdes but not loose my virtues

let me be able to be the one the evil people want to be like and do not let me want to be evil

let me see the evil in evil people without tainting my soul

let me know the diffrence between tough love and hurtful comments

let me have the ability to know when i am in the wrong and give me stregnth to apologise for it as soon as possible and let me remeber my mistakes to avoid future ones

let me see the things in others that i idolize and let me work to be more like them

let me see the things that i despise in others and let me avoid the same faults

let me take responsbilities for my actions even if it means serious consequence

let me work hard in the night and let me wrap my injuries in skin colored bandages so that the fragile people in my life must not see my pain

let me consider help when i cannot take another step but also crawl when no one is there to help me walk

let me not hate myself for my inability to do what others want of me and let me understand that when multiple people want things from the singular person that i am overexpectations are always there

and let me hear the cries of others when i can help and respectfully plug my hears when i cannot take anymore

let me respecfully decline the temptations of life and not judge others for not doing the same

let me find joy is complicated things like hobbies and not fall victim to simple things like addictions

let me work for a year to respect the wage of a day

let me give my earnings to those that i love and pretend that they were never mine to begin with

let me give a million dollars to those that donated me a single dollar for that single dollar felt like a million dollars at the time

let me value gifts by how much they help me and not how much they help others

let me respectfully decline things that i do not need at the time in hopes that they will return when i am in a time of great need

let decline things that i do not need right away in the hopes that that thing will go to someone who needs it more than i do

do not let me resort to anger when oppertunities are given to others and i am overlooked istead let me proud of people for taking those oppertunities even if they fail where i could have succeded

let me have faith that there will come a time where i can prove myself

let me not be so vane to entrust my success into other fully instead taking help and doing work myself equally<

2/2

let me find simple pleasures like singing in the shower and let me let those simple pleasures keep me going

if i find that a coping mechanism like taking hot showers begins to burn the skin on my back let me recognise the pain i am causing myself and let me find new ways to cope

let me understand that sadness brings meaning to the good parts of life and that god surely only put in enough pain for you to be happy

let me understand that those that do not wish to be in my circle of loved ones do not hate me, they simply do not know me

let me have faith that at the end of the day atleast ill get to go to sleep

let me look forward to happiness but not so much that im racing so fast towards it that it flies by instead let me cherish happiness

let me challenge myself to make tommorow better than today but when that loop ends in unacomplishable goals let me take a day off

let me find peace of rest and find a balance of respecting rest by doing work

do not let me get so comfy that i no longer want to stand up again, isntead let me only rest long enough to do more work

let take moments to apreciate the life that i am building and recognise when it is time to shift my focus of work again

do not let me get so focused on something that i go crazy instead only let me work long enough to bring accomplishment and let me rememeber that accomplishment is not perfection because perfection is impossible

let me recognise when others want to much from me and let me politely give then what i can while being prepared for them to be disapointed in me even though i gave them something

let me think about the moments when ive been dissapointed most and remeber how i still loved the person that disapointed me afterwards. let me extends those feelings to myself when i disapoint myself

let me resist the urges to do bad things but if i do do bad things let me not think that i could have done more to stop them instead let me move forward and do more next time, it is impossible to do more in the past you can only do more in the future

let me give as little expectation to those that i love most so that they feel no guilt for doing to little for me

let me see the struggles upahead not with worry and fear but with exicitement and courage

let me sail into the storm head first for that is where you catch the most fish

let me take moments in my day to day where i can remember where i am and what im doing, who i am and what im working for. let me repeat the names of my loved ones who i work hard for so that i can give stregnth to myself so that i can continue my day

when i lay down at night and find that i have had a bad day do not let me dwell on it isntead let me dream of tommorow

do not let me wish bad things apon those that have hurt me instead let me wish good things for them so that they may become better people one day

do not let me be quick to judge at all. there is enough judgment in the world

let me not judge people younger than me for their age intead let me remember that i was once their age.

do not let me judge others for their actions isntead let me have faith that guilt will catch up to them later on

let me find ways to bring happiness to others even when i do not have it myself.

let me find ways to balance my work that improves my loved ones lives with work that impoves my life

let me comfort my loved ones when they need conforting and know that they will comfort me when i need it too

let me make analogies to understand my life and when it is aparent that they do not work anymore let me get rid of them

do not let me assume that my coping skills will help others who are are totally diffrent from me

do not let me take advice as wrong if i have no tried it yet

and do not let me guide a conversation if someone is trying to help instead let me have faith it what helps them

let me hear the songs of birds on sunny days but also let me learn to apreciate the calmness of winters cold

let me garden freely in spring and summer and let me learn to enjoy the cleaning of garden beds of dead plants in winter having faith that they will be back next spring

let me take love when offered but decline love when it is faked

and let me give love to those that deserve it and love silently those that dont deserve it

dont let me let others actions ruin my day instead let me realise that they are having bad days themselves

let me realise that others pain is valid even if their pain is not pain to me

and let me think about those a i love when im alone and those that i miss when im not alone

let me remeber those that have left my world but not too much that i cry at their grave

let me visit those that i had to leave on good terms as often as i can and let me keep safe distance from those that i left on bad terms

dont let me be quick to anger when others harm what i build, for people like to pick the flowers that i grow and there is nothing wrong with that is there

dont let me be angry with those that steal from me, perhaps they needed it more

dont let me be angry with those that insult me, perhaps they are only repeating what they hear

let me be aware of myself and my actions so that i may stay true to my virtues

let me work hard for my happiness and give what i can do others

let me be greatful for the work others do for me even if i cant see it right away

let me not blame those that should support me but dont, for they are only repeating disapointment given to them

and above all. please let me enjoy this

-miles

@waddmiles

🙏🙏❤️❤️🙏🙏💫

@waddmiles

i like this

day 1 of getting back on the horse.

i dont know what to type about so what do you want to hear from me? what do you want to ask miles watts? ask me anything

@waddmiles

How do you make your self to work purposefully, when the mind resists the same through layers of demotivation !

How do you make others feel comfortable when you are just getting to know them?

@Lolowise475

I like to go get sodas with people to get to know them,. eating and drinking is a very social practice and it helps break the ice with people. and figgiting with the soda bottles give your hands something to do. i also try to ask open ended questions to eachother.

@waddmiles

I agree on miles, punishing ourselves is not always the option. You gotta be patient with yourself!

I go to the gym in a couple hours, You know how they say cleaning your room is alot easy when you have homework that needs to be done? when taking care of yourself (going to the gym etc) is alot easier when you have an addiction to deal with

when im on my medicine i never want to stop taking them

when im off my medicine i never want to take them again

just reply to this message for me, i could use some words of encouragement to keep me going right now

@waddmiles

Really appreciated your words at today's Sharing Circle. I was moved enough that it got me to share, which I normally dont do. Take heart in knowing you got me through another night. Thank you

ask me anything

@waddmiles Hey It's Linds from SC, thought I'd stop by and ask you a question as per your request. 2 questions: The first, Whats makes you happy with out fail? Like, no matter how hard life gets at times, is there something that cheers you up a bit? It could be something small or big? Just curious. For me it's coming home to my dog, everytime I walk in the door she's super stoked to see me and no matter what i have going on it always makes me smile. 2nd question, kinda in the same vein, What is your happiest memory?

@LindseyLobotomy

@LindseyLobotomy

thank you for the questions!

1. my daughter.

2. ive been building alot of great memories lately but i think sitting in my garden makes great memories

@waddmiles You're welcome friend. #1 - great answer, that made me smile. and as for #2 I'm stoked for you. Thats what life is about a collection of moments that become memories that we can reflect on and warm our hearts. There are many more great memories to be had. Lets do one more question if you're up for it?

What Is The Scariest Thing You Have Ever Done For Fun?

@LindseyLobotomy

im not much of a risk taker, but ive been on roller coasters

sharing with you about the topic you choose project

@waddmiles

i made that giant post hoping i could help people, but now the rest of my posts get burried by it, i could say anything in this post because no one will ever scroll down far enough to see it

@waddmiles

anything!

@waddmiles
Ah yes the typical forum struggles haha. Though, do recognize that anything you say, may it be that big post or any other post following it, even if it's you saying "hello" is a worthwhile read, and helpful to someone.

P.S. We find our way to the bottom of our friend's lovely journal always :) Also thanks for letting me join in on the forum haha been a while since I've been on your forum, and I have to say I am proud of you :) Keep it up! You got this!

day 1 of not spending money intell im sober for a year
money saved so far- $263
days sober- 0

Dear John,
I know its been too long sense I wrote you last, I hope you aint mad man. I want you to know that I'm still here for you, even if no one else is. I want you to know everything is going to be ok, I know youre scared right now, and maybe even thinking about runnin away from your problems, But remember that when the going gets tough.... well you know the saying. I know you John, I know you better than anyone else. I know that youre the tough and I'm here to tell you that its time to get going. I want to you to know that a days is going to come when your daughter will see the work you do for her, even if she doesnt understand right now. And I want you to know that its possible things could get worse. I wanna be honest with you when it comes to that. I want you to know that I value honesty with you. But I know all the things you've been through, and if you can get through all that, well then life can throw anything else at you and youll survive. I know you dont believe me though. I know that you dont think you can do this. or perhaps that youre just scared of the pain its going to take to get through this. and yeah it might hurt but we both know the victory at the finish line will make it all worth it. I believe in you John, even if no one else does. sometimes people forget the diffrence in believing in someone and depending on someone, but I believe in you, because I love you man.
Yours truely,
John

@ashleyat91

do we know each other?

Dear Thread,

its good to see and hear from you again! lets get into things!

im still kicking it! im still fighting and striving for better days ahead. I recently went through a hiccup with a breakup and a recent illness complication but i kindof saw this speed bump coming so im taking in with stride. im setting goals and working hard to meet them. todays goals are- (do laundry, clean room, write in journal, take meds, host sharing circle). ive been listening to alot of rap music, it keeps me going and fills in for drugs when it comes to keeping my mood up. oh yeah im sober now which is weird. each day is a struggle but im working hard to make each day easier than the one before. today i figured out how to put song on repeat on my ipod touch and i know it sounds dumb but it really made my day.

i strive for greatness. i dont want to just survive i want to thrive. i want to rule the days ahead. i want to accomplish alot and be on top. so im working hard on my self help work. journaling, self care talks, taking showers, clean clothes, etc.

sometimes i feel like im sitting at a table across from this monster, a monster that represents all my fears. and hes grinning at me like hes about to eat me. and then i scream in its face. like to see if i can scare it. because i know deep down it should be afraid of me because i can get rid of its pressence in my life.

@justmiles

Sounds like you're doing great. I'm glad to hear it. I really like the way you're treating it like a monster you need to put in its place because it really is a monster.

Dear Thread

the good-

im sober, and the seedlings of the next basil crop just went into totes. im doing good at work making fat stacks of cash and paying off lots of debts that i owe, i might be going to school again soon too. i have a therapist and talking to them is going ok. ive been journaling alot more which is good, im getting good at filling the pages with my emotions.

the bad-

im tired. on the verge of breaking down constantly. i work too many hours at work and i never do anything productive once i get home. i need to take better care of myself and my enviroment but i struggle with it so bad. typing and writing are so hard when im sober i really didnt know much i depended on drugs intell i stopped taking them. sometimes i feel like im expected to be happy all the time and then abandoned whensever i slip up on that fact. if i struggle even for a moment everyone in my life leaves. its like they just dont want to deal with me. i know i have support on this site but its hard when i dont have any in real life.

@justmiles

I'm glad that you can see the good things in your life. However, I also hear that you're tired and that concerns me.

Have you been able to do anything for self-care lately? I know you mentioned journaling but are you getting enough rest? Are you able to get exercise? Do you spend time with people outside of work? There are so many things that are important in recovery (which I'm sure you know) that I'm hopeful you're not overlooking.

Dear thread,

Its my day off today and im working hard to make the most out of it, cleaning up my room and my garden, hanging out with my mom, visiting family, doing hobbies, etc

I bought some coffee, i think it will help me stay sober.

ive been working hard at work to make extra money to pay off my debts. downloaded some new music today, the music really keeps me going. i met with my a therapist on thursday and it was a mundane experience. i dont meet him again for another four weeks it feels like forever but im hoping to get alot done between appointments mainly paying off debts. i think i might get back into art, i think reigniting a hobby might help me stay positive through these hard times. i know things will get easier i just have to stay strong and buckle down and not trip at the finish line.

recently i had to go to the hospital for a mundane injury but found out my health is suffering as a side note. my doctor says i need to eat better and exercise more. exercise more?! can you believe that. anyway i go to the gym next tuesday and ive been working hard to eat better what a drag no candy now? -_- sigh.

i bought new headphones to listen to music in the shower (my old water proof ones broke) so im going to get into cold showers again as a coping mechanism.

me and my therapist are working on emotion replacement. my meds help alot to keep me from saying things i dont really mean. my mom doesnt like how quiet i am though.

the new basil crop already looks sick i dont know whats going on. i think the nutrients im using are effecting things so i ordered some new stuff and we will see if it helps.

@justmiles

It sounds like you're doing well. I'm glad to see it. Keep up the good work. I'm rooting for you.