Ramblings 3
Nothing new, same issues . I miss the people here. I have been really struggling the last few months. I have been really trying and it seems like I am going back instead of forward.
Some people want to classify everything in other people’s lives. Every thought, movement, decision, etc.
They would probably classify yesterday as a “good” day for me and a “bad” day today. To me they are all the same.
As I lay anticipating the increase of pain levels, my muscles I think have been mostly tense and on edge as well, I think they have a mind of their own. It’s like they are constantly waiting for the pain to come. Knowing it is coming just not 100% sure when.
Somehow coming here is a reflex action. I have zoned out with my brain flickers not remembering coming here. I come into focus either staring at this part opened up waiting for me to write something here within my writings, or at least with the app opened up to the first page, the homepage.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami Maybe despite the brain flicker some part of you recognizes this place as a safe space.
With your stomach all twisted up there's probably a lot of anxiety and with having to wait for an answer and maybe concern of what that answer might be. I know mine gets like that when I'm anxious or nervous about something ❤️ I think it was very brave of you to write that letter about your surgeon. You advocated for yourself Iam. That's a big thing
@mytwistedsoul
I believe you are right as usual. Especially now that I am trapped with my thoughts and this place is my only release and with friends like you here. You try and keep me in check, and help me get through this, whatever this is. .
I think I stirred the pot a little too much with the messages and the brief phone conversation this morning.
The second phone call that I made to them they used the word investigation in their explanation for it possibly taking a few days before I heard anything back from them about this .
I didn’t intend for starting trouble, I just wanted a different surgeon because of how he treated me. That maybe is normal for him and maybe since I am the way I am, I don’t know. I didn’t intend to make it a big issue.
There are several things like that that if it wasn’t for the support from you and the others I wouldn’t have done.
Thank you❤️
@Iamwhoiamwhoami I wish I could be of more help. With them using the word investigation maybe this isn't the first time this was brought to their attention. Maybe in that time they need to look through other complaints or files?
Maybe it is just the way he is that doesn't mean it was acceptable. And you have every right to say you're not comfortable with him as your surgeon. Better you say now then if you would have waited until the day of or a few days before. I think it's better to go into surgery fairly relaxed and confident that your doctor will do a good job than to be afraid and uneasy
@mytwistedsoul
You do more than enough for me. And I will forever be thankful for you.❤️
That was the main reason for saying anything, relaxed, confident and as comfortable as can be.
Hopefully I didn’t prolong things too much . I just realized I will need to let my insurance company (disability insurance ) know about this delay. I already sent them the paperwork from the surgeon I am trying to pass on. That might be an issue.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami you did the right thing ❤ and any trouble caused in the investigation. Is no blame on you, I think that doctor needed a wake up call. So don't worry, you did good ❤
Iam - I'm sorry but I don't read or write so much these days. I think I read some place about you wanting to have another person doing your operation - why worry about that if the doctor is clever/good in his job. I had an operation - the doctor was not as soft in his talking as I wanted him to be, but the nurse told me he was good in doing operation - and that's what matters. I wish you all the best for the upcoming days. From Helga.
@Helgafy
It is very nice to hear from you. I hope you are doing well.
Several years ago I probably wouldn’t have been bothered much by this doctors attitude. But now, it really does bother me.
I apologize for the extremely long response. You’re friendship is very important to me and you may not agree with my decision but I want you to hopefully understand my feelings and the reasons for my decision.
This hospital has several neurosurgeons working there. Prior to this latest appointment I have been through x-rays, MRI, another set of x-rays and the initial consultation with the head surgeon. And during that initial consultation with the head surgeon I was put through the complete range of motion tests and related. Towards the end of my appointment with the head surgeon, It was discussed with the options going forward , we both agreed upon surgery being that option. I will add in here that the head surgeon has been performing surgeries for well over 40 years.
So an appointment for a secondary consultation with the quickest available surgeon was scheduled. This appointment was supposed to be a quick appointment that let the surgeon and I meet and questions could be asked then surgery scheduled.
What actually happened during the second surgeon appointment was a surgeon who showed his own head surgeon complete disrespect from the very beginning of the appointment, then disrespect for me throughout the appointment. I couldn’t even relax enough to go through the entire range of motion tests with him. And his irritation with me visibly showed. He made me feel guilty from the very first moment he opened his mouth.
After leaving the appointment, I tried brushing it off to that being his personality. I waited until either that evening or the next morning, to send a detailed message to the head surgeon explaining what went on and how I felt. I even stated in that message that I was going to wait until Monday to see if I felt any more relaxed with that surgeon performing the procedure ,(the appointment was on Friday morning).
Monday morning came and I had been haunted by this doctor’s behavior since Friday morning. I didn’t want to prolong this procedure but I am not eased at all in the thought of his overall ability to perform the procedure.
There are other surgeons at this hospital who perform the same procedure. I have had previous experiences with doctors and surgeons who thought they knew better and made my situation much worse. The one that comes to mind is an outpatient procedure that due to his arrogance the procedure turned into a multiple day stay. Quick version, the procedure ripped a hole in my esophagus.
Have you ever come across anyone who you really didn’t know, but you got this horrible feeling, that pit in the stomach feeling about them. You didn’t understand why , but you still felt it? Hopefully you never have. But if you have then you have a basic understanding of how I feel. That is basically how I feel just a lot worse.
Like you said, he may be excellent at the performance of the procedure. But, as long as I have a choice in being comfortable with the surgeon and all the other people that are involved in my care. I should make the choice to be comfortable as well.
Thanks to my friends here who helped give me the strength to follow through with that choice.
With everything that I have experienced, plus how my mind perceives those experiences. I am always feeling like I have no say in what is added to my burdens. But with this one particular step, which is a key step towards an outcome that involves less pain and better mobility, hopefully. This step I have a say in, and even though I normally don’t have confidence in my decisions, this decision involves choosing to not have a person who makes me sick to my stomach perform a spinal procedure that may involve removing a piece of my spine , modifying it and replacing back into my spine. I then can ask for another extremely well qualified surgeon to do that procedure.
Thank you
So much for advocating for myself. Just got contacted by the hospital they are offering me another surgeon, however the first consultation appointment isn’t until November 14th. Much less the date for surgery. I can’t go through this pain for that much longer. Plus I’m not sure my job will be there that much longer.
I really struggled even trying to talk when I found out the earliest date. I stuttered and stammered trying to talk and decide what I should do. I, unfortunately forced myself to continue with the surgery on Monday with the surgeon that I am scared of continuing care with.
I understand the advocating for yourself, but I should have known better than doing it for myself. I’m destined for the pain and suffering journey. I don’t have a say in my comfort or anything resembling positive or secure..
I can’t continue right now, I am literally shaking.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami it's ok, complaints are confidential, the surgeon does not know you complained about him. Hopefully Helga is right and he's a great surgeon, just not great with talking to people. Your gonna be ok ❤ I promise ❤
I’m still shaking, I continually feel like something or someone is conspiring to make me miserable, like being the fly that the child pulls the wings off of. Or being the ant that the child with the magnifying glass tries to focus the light onto.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami children really do that 😮😮😮😮
@Tinywhisper11
Yes they actually do, and there is always that one that takes a piece of thread and try to put a leash on a fly. Kids in the USA. I think that was probably more from the time when I was a kid and farther back. Not today’s kids who spend their entire time focusing on screens of some form or another, phones, computers , tablets, etc.
I feel exactly like them in the fact that all the hugs and outpouring of love and support miss the mark because all of that love and support can’t change the events occurring or the behavior of the child facilitating the actions.
There are no true answers or suggestions that can change anything. I have gone way beyond what capacity of strength I have left due to the wonderful support and strength of my friends only to once again have it pulled out from under me like the rug beneath my feet. I am only able to continue utilizing the strength of my friends. I’m beginning to wonder if that’s enough
@Iamwhoiamwhoami it is enough, it will be enough. We are here, and we are gonna carry you through, cause we love you ❤ I love you ❤
I know. Day after day year after year decade after decade at some point I should have found a way to be a little bit better or more productive, or maybe even a bit more human.
To get knocked down and then brush off and go again is ok for awhile, however there comes a point that there is no strength left to do so and there is not a crane strong enough to help pull me back up.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami I would feel the same way. I have felt the same way when I think I’ve advocated for myself and it all backfires. It feels so defeating and like things will always be that way.
Maybe you can proceed in small steps? Like first ask if your company can work with the new date? (If you don’t want suggestions ((I don’t want them most times myself, so I’d completely understand) just let me know and I’ll leave that part out from now on.) I’m hoping maybe the new date will turn out to be a good thing for you in some way we can’t see yet.
I am always welcome suggestions, anything you think would help is perfectly fine. Thank you for reaching out. I am having a really rough day so I am not focusing that well, so I will try and reread your suggestions when I get myself situated a little bit. Please feel comfortable to write whatever you want here . The only unwritten rule is nothing based in hate. Thank you for your kindness and support.
@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas
I am not sure if you received the above response to your message
@Iamwhoiamwhoami Thank you! ❤️ I logged off for a little while, but I’m glad you added me so I found it sooner. I’m not very good finding things here until I get another notification. 😄
Totally understandable. I can’t focus when my thoughts are racing and I’m overwhelmed with which way to go on things. Then I feel guilty because I think I’m confusing people. I’ve been able to follow your writings very well.
You’re such a sweet person. I’m around pretty regularly lately, and I’m quietly reading and rooting for you. ❤️