Ramblings 3

I remember something I heard or read somewhere, it is probably just a portion of it but what I remember holds true.

“Those who have no family tremble in the cold.”

I think that holds true for me because I tremble a little bit less when I’m here.

I would discuss my little bit of paranoia, but I don’t know what to say about it.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami good morning sweetie ❤❤ yeah those charity dream come true foundations are just amazing ❤ I know 'make a wish foundation ' gives critically ill kids their dream come true, they go Disney world and things, it's really sweet. I wouldn't talk you out of it, I think it's a great idea, new scenery, adventure, I think you should go for it ❤❤ I'll be back soon ❤ hugs you tightly ❤

I’m going to whine and cry some more. Now my shoulders, mainly the left side and upper back are hurting as well . Probably from too much activity? Laying in bed is strenuous.

I did do a couple things today but not much of anything. I changed the sheets, which involves the fitted sheet and the mattress protector, plus stretchy strap things for each of them to help keep them from slipping off. The straps are the most difficult part because I have to try and hold the full size mattress up on edge to attach the straps at 6 places with 2 clasps each I do this for both sheets. Then lay the mattress back down and shift into place. Then grab the control for the bed and start raising the head of the bed up as I fall while crying in pain into bed. Whenever the pain subsides and I get some kind of motion moving in the direction of getting up again and then start a load of laundry in the washer. Hobble back to bed. Then someone later, swap that load into the dryer and then put another load in the washer. I think with comforters I did 4 loads plus the comforters take 2 runs in the dryer ( pull it out and unwrap it and rewrap the opposite way and put back in dryer.

A few trips to the microwave and that was the most activity I have done in awhile. Not counting surgeons having to prove to me how much pain they can inflict upon me outside of surgery. In actual reality it wasn’t much activity. Most of my laundry was already in baskets, other than the bedding I removed today and the two bath towels in the bathroom, and a couple of kitchen towels. Like I said before I don’t have a long distance to the laundry room. My bed is in the center of my house.

I wasn’t sore until a little while ago. But, what is another addition of aches and pains to my list.

On another note, I’m still feeling really scared of going through with this surgery. I already was before Friday. But that surgeons psychological treatment of me still has my stomach in knots. He has actually affected my thoughts regarding even going through surgery at all, regardless of who the surgeon is.

I suppose either way I need to try and gather the strength to contact that hospital and figure out what to do now.

That was the benefit of living the way I did throughout most of my life. Hidden deep inside the overly fortified no access room inside my head. Where nothing could truly hurt me .

Now , trying to avoid going completely back there, I am trying to put as much of myself into and on these pages I write here. Unfortunately there are details that I can’t put here for fear of someone recognizing who I am, whether from my work, or where I live, or possibly from my past.

These things I can’t put here are unimportant in the small picture but I think that they could add a little different perspective perhaps. It bothers me to have to hold back those things because it goes against my open book, completely honest philosophy. I am in fact lying by omission, which to me is still lying.

I think the main reason why I can’t risk the chance of exposure is because of that **** side of me that I have resigned to never be. If that information about me came out. The chances of repercussions from anyone and everyone could easily make my life worse if that is even possible.

Maybe part of that is the paranoia but not all of it.

I have been trying to write this segment for too long I am a wee bit past my time for meds, almost time to add in the pain pill.

The “fun” part of laundry is folding/hanging everything up and putting it all away. Then I suppose I should get the dishes done that I have had “soaking” for the entire time I have been off work and bedridden. I have managed to drain the soapy water, every few weeks or so with the intention of washing them. I threw away all the plastics, bowls and lids etc. That I can’t attribute to my recent scenario. My depression is the biggest contributor I believe. That has been happening a lot.

I play dvds for background noise. I recently purchased some tv series sets to put on . The current ones I am trying to play, are supposedly brand new but half of them don’t play.. they are clean, even though I did try cleaning one just to see if it would make a difference but it didn’t. There are a lot of discs and most of them so far I have had to fuss with to try and find a spot they played without freezing up. I have spent more time trying to get them to play than they actually have played. Everything new, tv, player and dvds and it doesn’t work.

Story of my life! Summed up perfectly.

This constant state of feeling trapped in this darkness, getting weaker and by the day. The constant anxieties that seem to be surrounded by a thin skin that every little thing seems to poke them and antagonize them to no end. The constant feeling of being completely and utterly exhausted and overwhelmed. The growing list of phobias and a little paranoia as well it seems. The continuous onslaught of different things physical and mental that are seemingly impossible to ignore. All of this all boiling in amongst the darkness of my depression.

To what end does all this lead? All of the above that I have written plus at this point having friends find me and try and teach me about love .

@Tinywhisper11

I think the message in question starts…..There are countries. ❤️

@Iamwhoiamwhoami I completely agree, doing nothing much is really hard work😂😂  that's strange with your dvds, I know nothing about technology so I can't help there sorry. All that laundry and making your bed, cooking your microwave meals, it might not sound like alot to some people. But I understand how hard doing the little things can be when your in so much pain, and with mental health on top. You may not recognise how well your doing, how strong you are ❤ most people in your situation would have given up a long time ago. But your still here and I thank God for that ❤