Ramblings 3

It is a strange feeling being in a constant state of uncertainty. Just experiencing what is happening on a minute by minute basis. Constantly questioning every single thought in regards to daily movements. The fears that come into that thought process, which in my case is a near life or death process for any new thought that tries to enter the demolition derby going on with mine.

For example…I have a very scary fear for me , that I am not even sure if it is realistically possible with what is happening with my back and legs right now. That fear is attempting to do one of the things that I have to do, which is basically all I am doing right now anyway. But in the process of doing one of these things that I move the wrong way and become paralyzed. There is nobody checking in on me, well outside of this community. This fear triggers my anxieties, everything seems to be doing that anymore.

What if the surgeon decides to not do surgery just these other options of injections and the like which are only a temporary thing anyway. I don’t think I could handle the continuation of this scenario. I couldn’t put on a brave face for that scenario. I definitely don’t have a brave face for the current scenario.

This minute to minute stuck with me for company. I am a lousy companion , especially for myself. Stuck with my own thoughts for company. That is cruel and unusual punishment.

I don’t think positive thoughts, especially if they contain me. I foresee a lot of changes coming up regarding me. I have said before I don’t do well with change. This year has seen a lot of changes. The last few years actually. Most of them involve my work. They were a small very profitable company that was merged a few times in a few year period then bought by a investment firm that then sold to a global company that is known for buying smaller businesses and basically eliminating them completely. However, ours is not that simple to do that with. But they probably will figure out a way. Anyway we were forced to merge our location with one of theirs. Which happens to be located in a bigger town, which I don’t do well with that either. So a lot of big changes on just the work front.

Then everything happening with me, now not having any idea what anything will be like going forward. I definitely don’t do well with.

Because of what the clock shows, I suppose it is another day. Still in my bed, still in pain, still whining, so I suppose I am still me. What am I doing wrong? By now I would think I would have morphed into someone new. I have laid here for how many weeks now?

I just had a strange pain that I haven’t felt before , or don’t remember ever feeling. Anyway, it is like mini fire crackers popping off in my knee area, or being quickly poked directly into several different needles one at a time. It just lasted a couple of seconds but I figured I should write it down here.

I also was somehow reminded (by it just happening to me) of an older gentleman that was in a psychiatric ward when I was a child. Everytime he walked anywhere, and for the entire time he was walking, he had the walking farts. I thought that was really strange back then. But not so much now.

I have noticed something else recently. I usually use my phone for this app because it’s a lot simpler for me being in bed and using a laptop, I am a lousy at typing and even after all these years I still have to look at the keyboard to see what letters I am typing . Anyway, periodically, well to be completely honest, quite often I have short spells of brain flickers while I am here and when I’m refocusing l actually struggle with the basics of what I’m doing, scrolling by touching/swiping on the screen for example. Actually completely figuring out what I am doing is another. Maybe it’s obvious in some of my writings, maybe not. It happens a lot. I don’t think I have had any bigger episodes for awhile, probably since I have been off work. And maybe the ones that I am experiencing now are the same in length just not noticeable as such because of my lack of movement or activity?.?.

I am extremely lonely today, I am lonely every day but today for some reason it sits like a heavy pit in my stomach, constantly reminding me of how alone I truly am. Of course that means I’m extremely sad as well. That is also something I am everyday, just today means the tear ducts are filled with a little more moisture today.

One would think after a lifetime of being completely alone (even when surrounded by people) , that I would be so used to it that it wouldn’t bother me. But I think that the opposite is true. The more time that passes, the bigger the void, the bigger the yearning.

Times like now, when I am feeling so lonely, the longing for a relationship with someone is something that I miss as well. But I am not sure if that is completely true or not, is it just the loneliness talking?

I am Trans at my core and even though I haven’t had any relationship other than with a woman, I am like a teenager in that regards because I am not sure where if any desires lie. I am completely confused in that area.

So I don’t know if relationships are in my wheelhouse because of that and the fact I am a miserable person to be with. One just has to read any of my writings to figure that out

That is why I try to bury that part of me , I am not proud of my brain for even wanting any details about it written here again. I have to accept that I am never going to truly know who I am. I must accept that I am who I am minus who I truly am. It made sense when I wrote it. But that is the cold hard truth.

Besides in relationships, it seems the other person only wants the truth as it pertains to them and only in a positive way. Plus only if they fully understand and agree to it, or as long as they think they can mold your things that they don’t like into something they can at least control and live with.

I am no bed of roses on my end of relationships either.

In the end, I have been hurt so often, I don’t even try anymore

I am trying to force my way through my thoughts, trying to remember any relationships before my ex wife. And what I am trying to figure out is if a fact that just popped into the forefront of things I was able to grasp. I don’t think I ever actually “dated” or “courted” anyone in the traditional manner.

What thoughts I can scrape together are relationships that involved me at their place and time goes by that we only have been basically talking . Then one day it turns into a relationship with me moving in with them . The few that I can remember, other than my ex, didn’t last that long. As far sd my ex, we got together in a similar fashion.

But dating, going to dinner, a movie or anything else, I don’t remember doing any of that.

Maybe that’s why they all failed.

I know that’s not true but it would be nice (plus easier) to say , rather than it was because it didn’t align with my true hidden self. Or that they weren’t aware of my true hidden self.

Iamwhoiamjustacceptitalready that should be my new name here

It just dawned on me as I waddled to my freezer for an ice cream cone, that I have too many trash cans for one person.

one in the laundry room

one in bathroom

one in kitchen

two in bedroom

one in my desk

one in the garage

If I can still add , that makes seven for only me

Probable reasoning , to save steps, convenience….