Ramblings 3
Nothing new, same issues . I miss the people here. I have been really struggling the last few months. I have been really trying and it seems like I am going back instead of forward.
Strange thoughts have streamed through my brain lately, such as these ones regarding my past, what makes it stranger is that most of my thoughts are normally jumbled, intermixed and not necessarily in any order. These were kind of blurry but basically straight forward certain points or moments in what seemed like in order of events. .
Heard from doctor, they want to double up on the gabapentin for a few days and maybe change the plan.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami Change the plan? This is hopefully good news and they'll move things faster? It's good that you've been keeping them aware of your pain and that meds aren't helping a whole lot ❤️
Just the plan for meds . They can’t do anything about surgeon. Surgeon is with a different hospital.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami Oh 😞 damn. Sorry Iam. Extra meds will at least hopefully help you feel more comfortable
We can only hope so. Unfortunately,as I am sure you know, they have to start on the lower dosages and work their way up. Especially on the ones on the controlled substances list. And I am now on a couple of those. But hopefully they will work better now, I really want and need a nice hot shower.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami You're right. I know they do it's just frustrating especially when everything just causes pain. Walking or sitting or standing and even laying down. I hope they help enough so that you can get that hot shower
It was recently mentioned about wake up calls. If this latest thing is , hello.. I’m awake… I’m listening.. what is this supposed to be trying to get me to focus on?
Interesting fact … if any of you were here in front of me or beside me, I wouldn’t be able to speak the words I write here directly to you. I would be a completely quiet scared and fearful coward.
I wonder what I would’ve seen and how I would’ve interpreted those things many moons ago, if I could’ve seen the world through Tinys eyes? Would I be in a better place today?
whenever I watch the sun go down or the sun come up I only see another day gone or another day starting. If I see a star filled sky or a full moon I just see the sky. When I look in the mirror I see a broken down miserable, fat , stubborn, cranky, confused and defeated old person. I probably will receive some static from my friends here for saying that. Mind you I said what I see not what you see.
The way I feel is much worse. I at times feel conspired against . I have pushed so many people away, and this digital world, is a scary confusing place. But with my anxieties and other issues, understanding that everyone out there has lives and many responsibilities, my issues don’t take in account, I am always fearful my writings are chasing everyone away. I am always afraid of losing my friends here because of my honesty and pure never ending negativity.
I know that’s not true but my fears and anxieties have a tendency towards anything other than reality.
I omitted a little bit in a segment above.
when I see the sunrise I feel a sense of despair at having to go through another day in the darkness, when I see the sun sets I feel empty having another day gone in the darkness.
Straightened leg out and rolled onto my side and for a few minutes only felt discomfort in my leg, now I’m getting periodic faint shooting pain barely registering back pain is faint .like I said I classify this as a 1. For now some relief from the pain. I am honestly fearful of moving and disrupting that relief from the extreme discomfort and pain . So my descriptive words are thankful, grateful and fearful