Ramblings 3

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

It's hard when you're struggling and can't see any progress 💙. It can help to share your worries and struggles with someone just to get a different perspective.  We are here for you. 

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

I agree with @amiablePeace77, it can be sooo frustrating to feel like you keep trying and don't see any progress. 

That doesn't mean there is no progress, however. The fact that you're still here and staying connected with this community is part of the fabric/web of creating an intentional community for yourself. That's huge.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami hugs you tightly ❤❤ 

@Iamwhoiamwhoami Hey you! Hope you don't mind that I popped in here. You've been in my thoughts lately and This was the thread of yours that I saw first

How are you Iam? 

I have not been active here for awhile I suppose. Partly due to forgetfulness, partly due to hopelessness.

Having dealt with many of my issues for decades with no improvement, only gradually getting deeper in my maze of darkness. Some issues have only recently been tossed in. 

Talking/writing/typing may take a slight bit of the edge off the searing pain, it is an extremely minuscule almost pointless process. I am the only person in my life and I am beyond seeing any positive result in “recovery” Whatever that may mean/entail for me. The desire for that pipedream has long since vanished. I can barely stand being around me, much less anyone else being around me.

 I think about those here who have reached out and wonder if they have things like friends, family, hobbies or anything that brings them happiness, and/or satisfaction within themselves. 

Then I realize I only know those things (happiness/satisfaction) as words and only by modified definitions.

 I want to say a lot of things to these people. I want to show them I do wish I could take on their pain and misery so they could “recover “ and try and live life to the best of their ability. Bringing positivity and happiness to themselves and others around them.

Focus is going. Enough for now

@Iamwhoiamwhoami I must admit it's nice to see your words. I'm sorry to hear that things have gotten worse in some ways and that new things have popped up

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

Friend - your words:

 I want to say a lot of things to these people. I want to show them I do wish I could take on their pain and misery so they could “recover “ 

Those are fine words, but you don't have to carry their pain and misery yourself. You can give it all to Jesus Christ and He will carry it. Just watch what He did on the cross: 

Time keeps turbulently blowing on by. Yet I am still trapped beneath baggage mountain. Lost in the darkness after shattering the bulbs on my way down. 

Still struggling with health issues, both mental and physical. I’m buried under my issues. Surrounded by the impenetrable barriers that I have rebuilt with extreme reinforcements. 

It seems like I am living two different lives. My true one consisting of my severe issues, extreme depression, social anxiety topping that list. My public one consisting of way over the top (at least in comparison to how I really am) behaviors that are portraying myself as “normal”, not having a care in the world. Leading the world away from my reality. 

Once I am alone, I just about collapse from exhaustion. The play acting is taking its toll. Pretending I am someone I am not to hide the reality of me, whoever that truly is. Hiding the struggles of overwhelming thoughts. Hiding the reality of who/ or how  I truly feel . 

Brain is still saying good night quite regularly. The strange dreams are regular. I honestly don’t know if the past events I remember are actually real or twisted events concocted in my dreams. 

I still have a lot of guilt, I am sure I deserve to feel the way I do . My failures at life have created the blackness in which I live. I doubt a lot of things these days due to memories getting blurred, forgetting things regularly. The aches and pains are punishment my life choices. I deserve what I have become. 

I have reaped what I have sown. I can’t say that I have proof of this. Or of what happened in my past. What happened in the past, whether bad or good, helped mold me into what I am now , so ipso facto, the end result is ……

@Iamwhoiamwhoami replaces the light bulbs, to lead you back out of darkness ❤❤ gives you a giant tiny hug ❤squeezes you tightly, when all seems lost and hopeless, please reach out for help! Cause you are worthy of love and kindness ❤ the great thing about cups is you don't have to put a mask on here, we love you for who you are. Hugs you tightly ❤

@Tinywhisper11

Very fine written Tiny.

I actually tried a relationship a few years back. I had promised myself prior to meeting them that if I ever had the opportunity to be with someone again, that complete and extreme honesty was how I would enter into that relationship. 

I did go completely overboard on honesty, They accepted all of me. They unfortunately had serious jealousy issues. So much so my depression kicked in harder than ever. They had a couple of children . I ended up ending the relationship after a few months. I didn’t even bring up the jealousy part or anything on their part, only made myself out to be the only one at fault. I basically ended up , is the term “ghosted” them. I blocked them on all points of contact. 

That was the reality check that proved to me that I everyone is better off with me staying right where I have been in my darkness surrounded by baggage mountain. Never opening up to anyone ever again. I’m far from young, have suffered for too many decades, and it has been shown to me that any other lifestyle is not going to be any part of my path. 

That was the moment that the walls that were destroyed started getting rebuilt with reinforcements. 

I did come here and I think I had a brief moment of peace? Of actual emotional feelings? I may be wrong about this, I don’t trust my memories anymore. 

Then it was ripped away from me. 

I am trying to figure out why I have two artificial trees along with ornaments in boxes on my shelves. I am the furthest from liking holidays as they get. I am just not into it. 

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

It would be nice if I could say I live everyday like it’s my last, meaning living to its fullest. 

However the opposite meaning applies to my life. Most of the time I live everyday hoping it’s my last, still staying hidden under baggage mountain. 

The internal struggle with this is the underlying wonder if there is a remote possibility of being able to live in the light instead of the darkness. That one tragically impossible possibility is the only thing that has had any effect on my continued existence. 

The reality I live in is a constant state of struggle. Internally, I feel like I’m being viciously pulled apart, while being crushed at the same time. Physically, the constant pain is excruciating. 

The daily struggle of being two different people, the extreme emotional effort it takes to hold back the anxiety attacks and panic attacks while pretending to be someone I am not, is beyond exhausting. I constantly feel more and more like I am on that fence , like I’m on the verge of another complete breakdown, possibly not one I will ever recover from. 

The mental strength it takes to live this way is something I am permanently running out of. 

It is the only way that I have been able to make it to this point. 

I don’t have the strength or the courage to change anything anymore. To be able to honestly say that the kindness and compassion from this community will make everything hunky dory in my world would be amazing, but the reality is it’s not going to happen for me.

I am grateful and thankful for having been a part of this community and being able to have communicated with several wonderful individuals. 

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

Your words: "The internal struggle with this is the underlying wonder if there is a remote possibility of being able to live in the light instead of the darkness. "

Of course "Iam" there is. Jesus Christ says about Himself that He is the Light of the World: “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.” John 9:5.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

Your writing: "The daily struggle of being two different people, the extreme emotional effort it takes to hold back the anxiety attacks and panic attacks while pretending to be someone I am not, is beyond exhausting." Friend - you cannot go on like this "being two different people". Please talk to someone about it. You can tell your boss that you're not feeling good by yourself in soul and body. And then your doctor should know. Maybe your anxiety attacks and panic attacks will decrease if you start more to be yourself. But to me it seems like you need help to come out of the roles you're playing.   

The brain episodes have become a regular part of my daily dealings. Annoying, frustrating, aggravating, but yet could it be a blessing in disguise? Forgetting everything, gone forever. The problem within that is forgetting the basic essentials of getting by. Forgetting my surroundings that have remained the same for years. Forgetting how modern things work, microwaves,  for example. 

Confusing basic everyday facts. Forgetting how to force myself out of bed to go to work, which I have done this job for a long time and yet forgetting how to do my job. 

Social anxiety and everything that comes with it is quickly becoming a bigger issue than I have ever had to face before. I need to go to town and get groceries but since I have really entrenched myself in this situation of being two people, my time not around people is my only sanctuary of a teeny bit of peace. I build myself up to go then get overwhelmed and don’t go.

I barely get any motivation to do dishes, basically never. I am so close to just buying extra so I can just throw them away. 

But that would involve getting motivated to unpackage them. 

The more time I spend with myself the more depressed I become. 

So much time has passed and it all seems wasted on me. All the future time whether seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months or years seems to be wasted on me also. Unless it truly is punishment. 

I know that I am headed for a final breakdown, My retreating was the building block of major collapse of baggage mountain. With me at the epicenter of the collapse. 

Maybe my brain will completely go blank before then. That may be the only thing that prevents it.

It’s a little scary that I have been able to concentrate enough to write what I have today. Waiting for the other shoe to drop, the next brain episode might be a doozy.

Everything I write here is not important. I don’t understand why I think it is. It only seems to remind me how pointless my life is and always has been.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami your definitely not pointless ❤ you are sweet and kind and loving.  It might seem like your life moves in directions you didn't originally want, and illness has changed things even further. But life is a precious gift, and so are you. Even if this life is not want we wanted, we can still make it great ❤ gives you a giant tiny hug ❤

@Tinywhisper11

thank you. I have a deeper meaning behind that post. If I remember, I will add to it later.

@Tinywhisper11

 I am still very aware that there are people like you here that care. 

I have written a lot about myself, stretching across a lot of different topics/titles . I have forgotten most of those writings. I have forgotten most of the things in my past and forget regularly about the present things. I think I was to the point of using this place and my writings as a tool to help me remember myself, quite literally. 

I read my reminder board when I have a major episode of memory loss and figure out how to get here and stumble through finding my writings. Reading them and realizing that they are about me. I am just putting the hint of ramblings as a search point on the board , including my username and 7 cups, with basic instructions to help get myself to this point. 

As I read these things trying to figure out who i am, I realize that my life has been, is currently and always will be the same. Maybe I am better off never remembering. 

What is the point of teaching and reteaching myself, over and over how miserable I truly am? 

I could go on and on my thoughts on this but I don’t think I have said enough on this. 

@Iamwhoiamwhoami awww honey I'm so sorry 😥 is it mental health that's making you loose your memory? Or is it a physical illness?

just try to remember how much people love and care about you here ❤

@Tinywhisper11

 I think from what I gather from my own writings, that I have had a lot of concussions in my life and several years ago I had a pretty severe one. I have a dent in my skull from that one in particular. I am continually bumping my head in that area and the pain is extreme. 

I had done a lot of research into this and came up with something they are researching but as of now can’t diagnose until the body is gone. Then they can slice the brain and see it. It is called CTE, Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy, I had to relook it up, I forgot the name and the 3 letters. 

If you are curious about it , I urge you to look into it. There is getting to be a lot of medical information about it online. 

Unfortunately, I don’t qualify for too many live research studies. My history of concussions comes from everything but high contact sports, which is where the majority of studies are being concentrated on. The few that I have qualified for are too far away and require multiple trips, I don’t have the resources to do that. 

One study involved treatment in a hyperbaric chamber. I’m extremely claustrophobic so even if I had the means, I couldn’t have gone through with it. 

Anyway , this is the only thing that makes any sense concerning some of the things going on with me. I had shown my doctor some of this research I found and going off of that prescribed medication that is used to treat the symptoms, according to my records it helped enough to take the edge off of the symptoms. 

@Iamwhoiamwhoami that's all really hard to hear, it's very sad I'm sorry sweetie 😥 do you have much help at home? I'm a resident here at a old folks nursing home, I'm only 23 but I get looked after really well here, so maybe there's a place kinda like that you can go to, if you don't have any help at home that is. I'm glad you found medication that helps a bit for you. It's amazing what they can do with media research now, but with the brain. I would imagine that's the hardest organ to work with😥 well you've inspired me today, I always try to remember to smile and look on the bright side of life cause there's always someone worse off. Reading what you just wrote, reminded me of that. Here you are courageously writing down your thoughts and journal your days, it's just remarkable the will to keep fighting and the strength you have to go through this and share it with us ❤ you are someone quite special, hugs you tightly ❤ I love you ❤

As I scroll through these pages, I find myself stopping on this short video of two people intertwining fingers, holding hands.

It triggers a longing deep inside for that actual feeling of love/friendship, that closeness with someone. I will never truly know that feeling but I find myself staring and longing.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

"Iam" - you're important, your life is important. Read here what the Bible says about you: "So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them." Genesis 1.27.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

Very good and blessed friend Iam - you gave us the opportunity to use your threads for talking - you have blessed us so much!
Maybe it is your roots that are growing deeper - and you see no growth above the earth/soil. I don't know. You're deeply and for almost 2 years (using your thread) loved by us here.

This is the first thing I've ever read, where I could sense that someone else could possibly understand it. I'm rather speechless, but I want to thank you for making this thread.

@Tinywhisper11 

  No, I don’t have anyone. No friends or family. I don’t have the means to even consider a nursing home, or old folks home.

It’s not about the strength to keep going, at least for me. I lost that strength a long time ago. Nor is it about my repeated failures on quitting. I don’t know why I keep doing this day after day. Habit? 

I appreciate the kind words and gestures. I truly do, for me they do touch a spot somewhere inside of me , even if it’s just momentary, they just are really temporary moments. Virtual hugs and all the kindness and caring here is wonderful. I just don’t know what that feels like in the off line world. 

To be hugged by someone who actually cares, would that make me actually feel something? 

Sorry, I really drifted off topic. 

@Tinywhisper11

  I just went back and reread your last messages to me and I wanted to also respond to something else you mentioned. 

 I don’t consider myself any worse off than anyone else. Everyone struggles, all those struggles are equally as important as well as equally distressing. No matter how fleeting or how long term those struggles are. 

  Yes, I long for caring people in my life. Yet the older I get the less I handle drama very well and I create enough on my own, much less dealing with others. I have been secluded from people in my personal life for so long, I don’t think I could handle someone else by my side. 

That doesn’t stop me from thinking about it periodically . 

Correction—I don’t handle drama very well 

@Iamwhoiamwhoami no your right it doesn't matter whos rich or who's poor, doesn't matter if you've had it easy or hard, or where you come from we all struggle and suffer the same ways ❤❤ but you are still a inspiration to us all ❤

I'm sorry you don't have people to care for you😥 I wish I could help you more. Gives you a giant tiny hug ❤❤squeezes you tightly

I wonder if it is better to experience these times of lucidity or to remain in the other realm. I stated my reasoning behind this in the writings just prior to this one. 

Currently it is a struggle to care for myself. Granted, if I lost all lucidity, I wouldn’t have any say in anything, but there again, I wouldn’t know anything else. 

The extreme downside is that my care would be pushed onto someone else that doesn’t deserve to be forced to care for someone like me. 

Yes, people want to care for others in need. I just don’t feel someone like that should be burdened with my kind. 

It’s out of my control anyway so it doesn’t really matter anyway. 

Just like anything else I write here, my thoughts and beliefs don’t line up well with most other people’s thoughts on the subject. 

I should stop for now 

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

I find it incredible that you express yourself this way. As it is. I find your words incredible, which you may not believe and I'm fine with that, but I'm serious.

Sometimes positivism doesn't help, sometimes it blinds our eyes. Many times honesty, even if it is uncomfortable, and contains shadows, even if it only comes from our not always objective perception, is much more powerful than all those encouraging phrases people post in the mornings, when the sun greets them from their windows. 

And well, sometimes the sun doesn't even wave. It's the truth. 

About relationships, I relate to what you say, isn't it a little unfair to go towards someone enlightened when we're a complete mess? I don't know if I say that because I've always had a hard time asking for help and letting the other person reach out to me. But it seems a bit selfish to me. For example right now I don't know much about what is right or wrong right now. What is moral or not. It's a nebulous aspect around me. I mean, right now I don't even know what my principles are. People want to connect deeply with someone who has the same principles as them, that's the kind of person they consider their friend or their partner. This idea makes me think that I'm not fit to have a really meaningful relationship with someone. How is it possible to let them love and care for you when you don't know how to care or love yourself?

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

"Iam". I wish you didn't see yourself in such a negative way. See how worthy you are in Gods thoughts! If you were the only person on this earth - still God would save you and send His own son Jesus Christ to die on the cross for you and save you into His kingdom to have relationship with Him.

I don’t see it as seeing myself that way. I see it as I call it as I see it. Facts , facts , facts. 

I have been this way for far too long to not be able to admit the truths about me. 

I don’t fit in the scope of society’s system. What makes me tick obviously isn’t the same as the majority of everyone else. 

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

"Iam"

I take a chance in answering you here and please don't get mad at me (or you can be mad if it helps you lol). What are facts? Einstein said, everything is relative. The trees are green in the summer and brown/black in the winter.
Am I allowed to ask you; When is the first time you can remember that you didn' feel loved? I want that moment to be healed in/for you.