My daily ramblings

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

Thanks, I just don't want to make you uncomfortable at all. I care too much about you my friend.

I have been having trouble with my internet and have not got to post your tree yet but I am still going to give it a shot😊👌

@scarletPear1945

You can’t make me uncomfortable. Only I am capable of that right now. Thank you for your concern

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

You are sweet😊👌

https://www.7cups.com/@juliak1968

@juliak1968

That is a wonderful poem. Thank you for sharing.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

I'm so glad you like it :-)

HAPPY HOLIDAYS

@juliak1968

Happy holidays to you as well.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami hey, no shame in rambling, if it helps you with stress, go for it. I normally just talk to my friend when I'm mad of frustrated, or just simply play some video games to forget about it. We're all here to help, and feel free to speak up, when you need someone to talk to

It all needs to stop, no more of this . This is too much to bear, especially when it is all mine. If I knew it was everyone else’s pain too(and they were rid of theirs), I’d be glad to carry it.

But just mine is not a burden I can handle anymore.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

Brother on this earth.

I ask the blood of the Lamb, Jesus Christ who died on the cross and rose from the grave for you and me to COVER! you and your whole existense.

This confusion, and then figuring out that I am a completely messed up person who has no future. And suffers so much every minute of every day. Why do I have to keep experiencing that too. The messed up visions/memories. Haunting me, taunting me..,,

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

Holy Spirit, Jesus Christ - please help my brother on this earth.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

Brother on this earth.

I'm holding your hand.

From Helga.

I’m now applying for things I don’t remember applying for. This is getting beyond ridiculous. I’m so flipping confused.

That was a big mistake, I need to quit exploring this place. Smothered in positivity, making my negativity boil….panic/anxiety attack.

I would prefer just hiding in the corner, watching the people enjoying themselves. I don’t like being noticed. It’s hard enough watching people feeling emotions, much less being noticed as the one who doesn’t feel.

I’m trying to stay in my place. I don’t want to rain on anyone’s parade. I have no positivity to share.

I hope everyone has a wonderful day and great times. I truly do.

I just want no part of it.

Having visions of holidays as a child. Not cool.

I’m not comfortable with this at all. A few recent traumas thrown in …why…….

Get out of my head!!!! I don’t need to be constantly reminded. Then lose memories then regain them then lose them then regain them. Always the bad never any good.

I am so exhausted, I’m, just exhausted. Why I don’t know. I have done nothing for several days now.

I’m sorry I am not outgoing and positive, I’m don’t experience emotions like everyone else. I’m sorry I can’t see anything but the darkness that’s swallowing me, that has swallowed my soul. If I even ever had one. I’m sorry I can’t enjoy anything anyone says about me. I’m sorry that I take it as someone rubbing it in that I don’t feel anything when they try to show they care.

I’m sorry for being the way I am. I’m sorry for not being able to change. I am who I am who am I. That will have a more prominent meaning when my mind completely stops working.

Too many things in my head. Always negative. Always showing me visions of past that portrays me as the one who is to blame for all of it. Like all the world’s misery is my fault.

I know it’s not my fault at least some of it but it keeps replaying over and over again.

With my brain issues I’m starting to wonder if I am at fault for more if not all.

If my skull is going to explode I wish it would just happen already. The throbbing and I can almost feel the new deformities starting.

If all this stuff would just speed up like the thought in my mind an get to the finish line already.

A few episodes so far, nothing drastic I think. Head still pulsing, thoughts and visions at warp speed. Anxiety on and off. Can’t focus enough to state status of other issues.

Had a complete blackout episode. Came into focus getting out of shower, I don’t remember getting out of bed.

My racing thoughts were/are focused on events involving the ex before and after marriage.

I’m sure I mentioned these things before considering how much I ramble.

I suppose a little background might be helpful.

Trigger warning for violence, suicide

There was someone I thought was my friend for awhile over 30 years ago. I associated with him and his family. Wife and two kids, boy and girl. One in diapers and the other barely walking.

We started falling out when I started witnessing the violence he inflicted on them. They went through drawn out drama filled divorce and I stayed friends with his wife and kids. I had more than a few confrontations with him during this but I didn’t back down on maintaining that friendship.

After the divorce was finalized, our friendship maintained. It was almost a year after the divorce that feelings started to escalate and eventually led to a relationship. I became attached to them . I didn’t exactly know what I was experiencing but I didn’t want to lose them . Anyway I don’t remember how long it was but it was around a year I think. She showed up at my door with her ex in tow, telling me she was getting back with him for the kids. I was in shock…as they are pulling out of my driveway he was hitting her with a motorcycle helmet.

watching that I started after the truck and then it hit me . She was leaving me and going back to that abuse. That was what she wanted. So I let them go.

fast forward a year or so. I had moved at that point to another town. She shows up at my door apologizing. We spent several months talking back and forth and got back together, I wasn’t the same, but I believed that time would bring us back to where we were.

Anyway I didn’t want to lose them again, so I proposed. Not a storybook proposal considering it took a day or so for an answer.

Fast forward. Married, trying hard to be a good parent, The ex only ever showed up for visitation when he was impressing some new girl that he had children and was the perfect person. Our marriage was going ok until one fateful day when he showed up for visitation and was talking to the kids on the back porch and told them that he would be back in there lives if they got me out.

After that began the downfall of any chance at a family life. Both kids began acting out and I ended up realizing I was no longer a part of this family so I started working as much as possible.

Fast forward. Because I handled things so poorly, because I asked them to be a part of my life forever, when the signs were there that it was a failure if we proceeded, because of that I ruined two beautiful children’s lives. One of them taking their own life.

I didn’t know love then and I still don’t. I became attached to something that I didn’t want to lose and because I don’t experience emotions I took that as love. I can’t change the past but that child , well they were past the 21 mark so adult, did that because of me.

I saw the signs and I ignored them and ruined their lives.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

Very hard to read Iam. Your x's husband were very bad. It's sad you had to go through all this.

@Helgafy

It is what it is. It happened, I can’t change that.

That one is on me, it doesn’t matter that it takes two to tango, in this case four in house with multiple outside influences. Most of the time it felt like it was them against me.

I handled things in the not so great of ways, I am responsible for that loss of life.

If I don’t experience emotions why do I have these visions/flashbacks of all the bad stuff that happened in my life

Is there a purpose to all the suffering.

Call it a dark poem or whatever you may.

Trigger warning for not exactly sure but just in case

As the darkness swallows me , I need to relax .

Let the serenity envelop my senses. No more misery, no more pain,

when the time comes, be patient, be calm.

The memories don’t matter, the body doesn’t matter, when it’s done no one will care.

I won’t be missed, in fact it will be celebrated.

A lifetime of pushing people away , trying to find yourself. In the end it doesn’t matter who you are, or even that you were there.

the best I can hope for is the peaceful closing of my eyes and easy breathing when the darkness finally claims what’s left of me

Had a mild anxiety thinking about going to town tomorrow for groceries. Too many people, still holidays, maybe wait till Tuesday.

I am so confused by my thoughts and dreams. They are ending with different people staring at me telling me how worthless and useless I am. Telling me I am guilty.

Is that what all these flashbacks are about, for me to fully accept that everything that’s happened is my fault, I caused all those things to happen? If that’s what it takes to get them to stop. I accept! It all was my fault. Do whatever you’re going to do to me just stop making me relive it all.

If that’s not it then please tell me what I need to do.

I keep drifting to the groups and it is either rigid or a free for all. Manners seem to be very lacking in them how can someone expect support from people who are just there to chitchat in and around their telling of their woes. I’m old fashioned I guess but I personally think it’s rude and disrespectful.

That’s the modern model for psychiatric treatment….groups everyone talks and who?? listens?

I’m probably wrong but that’s nothing new.

If that’s the society fixes itself now, no wonder I am destined to be this way forever.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami Oh yeah the group chat thing drives me nuts. One one one chat I can handle but only when the listener is decent.

I don’t trust people at all, I try to here, but it is extremely difficult. I go to the rooms and witness those things and my trust battle is lost.

Wishes wishes wishes, that seems to be the question,

The wish I have for myself, the ability to just open the door step thru and disappear completely forever. Just vanish completely. Poof….my body disintegrates into the ground.