Having an affair

@Dossema

IMO there are many reasons all different from person to person...... but so many  seem to think "no it just happens" ...i do not believe that.   

I am not justifying or making excuses. just writing out from experience in witnessing in real life 

People meet someone. maybe a friend or co-worker or anyone .. When they start to talk maybe make a connection........they are filling a need or want not being filling in their relationship . 

Most (IMO) if not all start innocent enough not out "shopping" for someone. A connection can just happen but that was not the plan in talking with someone.  

         If a person makes you feel attractive ...it feels good .. I know I had someone notice outfits, hair changes  and my spouse says nothing....... no compliments .....no "I like your hair that way" type things .       Maybe they feel listened to ......not just a head nod or no response from partner ... 

       spouse buys his favorite things and claims they are my favorite too ....which makes me just an extension of him not a person that has my own preferences or favorites?  OR i am not important enough to care what my favorites are.    or my opinion on anything.

       Different ideas of what they want in life........ if one  partner is OK just sitting in front of a TV and other wants to do things outside of house.   

I think as we get older intimacy can become an issue as some lose any interest and just expect their partner to be OK with that.  no discussion just done. maybe someone let themselves go and are no longer attractive to their partner. 

 I could see how a  simple friendship could become more especially if the other person is missing things in their life too. 

     Finding out the  real reason and really discussing it seems from my perspective the way to get through it.  Pretending and hoping things go back to way it was is unrealistic... some people fall out of love.... so many reasons.    I was cheated on a LONG time ago and I saw at the time. I  was a really horrible person to get along with.  We worked through it .....and I saw  and accepted my part of our relationship failing .... now tables are turned I understand better how it could happen. 

Exactly, it's not about excuses or justification, or pointing fingers or something like that.

I'm more thinking if there is always a deep, underlying reason, which maybe sometimes goes unnoticed, unprocessed, subconscious.. Or sometimes really it does "just happen".. Or if person's cup is full, they never look at another person in an emotional or sexual way..

If there's always a reason... That means that recovery should go much deeper than dealing with betrayal only.

@Dossema

I agree and IMO i think that is why so many are unable to get through a recovery because they want to place blame and be a victim instead of seeing where things went wrong.

I can say when i have asked people they say all was great but slowly admit to problems but i do not think they fully understand how their partner really felt.  it is always a victim and cheater not two people that have issues before anything happened. 

This right here. This set of comments was really insightful and a pleasure to read.

Reasons don't justify anything... it just helps with understanding. Thank you for this entire thread.

unresolved issues.. usually issue that lasted long already, but some unfortunately need a tiny issue and they cheat. still i believe the root cause is that.

Cheating or having an affair, is usually a symptom of a damaged or poorly functioning relationship - not the core cause.

@Dossema There can never be a reason for any affair. If you're unhappy in a relationship - leave it. Dishonesty and unloyalty are disgusting.

That's clear but I believe in that case reason = excuse, which is not the point of the post. I am taking about deep, underlying root causes, which may go unnoticed.

Thank you!

@Dossema

When I had an affair it was because my marriage at that time was already  broken.

I lacked warmness, love, understanding, safety net, partnership, friendship 

The best thing I did was understand the core reasoning for my behavior. 

🐸Kermit

Thank you for sharing ❤️

What happened once you were aware of the core reasoning?

@Dossema

I got divorced worked on myself learned to love myself single. I a long journey of healing and re married last year. 

🐸

Happy for you! Long but not really, from a life perspective - that journey is totally worth it!

Thank you!

[CW: cheating, religion, brief mention of unmusical violins, etc.]

Others have already posted insights into why someone goes stepping out on his/her partner...no point in my repeating them. I will add the following:

From a wider perspective, cheating is an indication that in modern society, marriage as an institution doesn't have the importance it once had. Sure, people have always had affairs...there is no promise or contract ever devised that hasn't been broken somewhere, by someone. But in the last ~180 years or thereabouts modern life itself has been radically altered. Look at all the changes from the "industrial revolution" & the emergence of modern computer/network technology & its spinoff technologies:

• The rise of corporate power. Until the 1830's, corporations were formed for specific purposes & expired once those purposes were fulfilled. Now they last indefinitely, barring a buyout or takeover or total failure. Their all-encompassing influence on governments & on people in general is so obvious & documented as to need no further explanation. Business interests run our lives, not religion nor tradition.
• more mobility. Most people don't stay in their hometowns, marry their high school sweethearts & settle down. They move where they must if their careers require it. You can also relocate & start over much more easily now than in the past; breaking off a relationship & moving to another state/province isn't as difficult as it used to be.
• Women being employed outside the home. That's usually portrayed as progress; perhaps it is overall...less sexism, etc. But it also generated more opportunities for bored or disengaged partners to stray, & not just for women: if the wife spends most of her time in the office, the husband has more chances to find someone as well. I'd also point out that since the late 1970's what's driven it hasn't been women's liberation but economic necessity. Supporting a family on one income is just not practical for most people.
• The lessening of stigma against cheating. Again, this is a good development overall--in the modern West honor k1llings are considered barbaric murder, whereas in some more traditional societies it is seen as proper for a husband &/or his family to expiate their "shame" by doing so. In the US, the UK & Europe, affairs are seen as either a personal failing or a sign of a bad relationship, not as a stain on the husband's honor that has to be erased. But it also means that for modern Western women, affairs don't carry the risks they used to have. We aren't Puritans; we don't compel an unfaithful wife or divorcee wear a blouse with a scarlet letter on the front.

The above may not be a conclusive list...that's just all I can think of right now.

@Dossema

YIkes! There is no reason to have one. If theres an 'excuse' it's just an excuse for not really loving someone. If that person actually loved their partner they shouldn't do that,if they feel some way they should communicate. 

@Dossema Affairs cannot be justified. A person may be with someone else if they have broken off with their current partner and NOT while still being committed to them.  We have issues with our partner, and we try to resolve them best we can. If we can't we either go our separate ways or we find some reason to stick together. Affair is just another word for cheating on someone.

@Dossema,

in my experience, for whatever reason emotional intimacy between partners goes south. And often we don't talk about it. It creates a rift that becomes bigger and bigger. We feel unheard, not understood, not accepted. That's what we tell ourselves anyway. I don't think it's actually feelings, it's emotions kicking in and taking over. And then we meet someone that makes us feel heard, understood,  accepted, loved again. And we respond to that and put all our energy in someone, something else rather than reflecting on how we feel and how we feel about our actual partner. 

I think people often get into a relationship for the wrong reasons.  Or if not, they might have past issues they never really dealt with, life happens, past issues pop up again and they "judge" their current relationship like "here we go again, I don't want this". If you don't truly work on 1p1ast issues, I mean, not fix them but accept them , any relationship you enter will fail. Even if you married the best person ever.